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Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 5:08:19 AM

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From: Henhouse in Trolltopia, Harleyville USA
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During some recent threads this question has come up a lot, so after much thinking about how to present this without this topic becoming a "this role is better than that role" war, with the help of some friends I figured out how to pose these questions.

Yes, I know, all of that thinking for those couple of lines ?

Let's just say I was not wearing my "I am so smart" pjs this week, lol.

I'd like to hear from all types here please and thank you.

What are a Top’s responsibilities? Before, during and after play?

Does any of this carry over into the day to day relationship?

How does this differ from what one would expect from a dominant? Both in a relationship and during casual play?

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 5:48:59 AM

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It depends on whether they have any relationship outside of a one time negotiated scene. If you meet someone in a dungeon and ask him to top you, he has no responsibility except doing as you two agreed to and doing it competently and safely. IE, he shouldn't be doing needles on someone if he's never learned how.

If you're in a power equal relationship where one tops, then he has the same responsibility any partner should have, to see if you're okay the next day and be helpful if you aren't. But I'd expect that if you had gone hiking the previous day and done a harder hike than ever before, he'd be helpful in getting you some cream for your muscles, a couple of Advil and even giving you a massage. Because people who care about each other do that sort of thing.

Aftercare should be negotiated as should play. Unexpressed expectations are killers. If you need someone to get you water and cuddle you after a scene, you need to ask for it before because not all tops will do so to people they are in a relationship with. If you're not compatible on this, then you shouldn't be playing.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 5:54:39 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It depends on whether they have any relationship outside of a one time negotiated scene.

Aftercare should be negotiated as should play. Unexpressed expectations are killers. If you need someone to get you water and cuddle you after a scene, you need to ask for it before because not all tops will do so to people they are in a relationship with.

Thank you , great info. While being involved with bdsm for years, I just never got into play for plays sake, so this bit about negotiating aftercare was good to see posted for everybody. Thank you again.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 6:09:00 AM

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We don't "play". It's who we are and isn't turned on and off at different times.
His responsibilities are to make good decisions and to not kill me.
After care consists of me doing whatever he wants whether he wants a drink or to wrap himself around me.
My responsibility to him is to be obedient at all times.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 6:12:41 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

We don't "play". It's who we are and isn't turned on and off at different times.

Thank You. This is what my past dynamic was and more what I am used to.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 6:52:58 AM

SpiritedRadiance

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I play a lot casually these days in a non sexual way, and A top to me is someone who ive negotiated a scene with.

Their only responsibility to me in my opinion is to keep me safe during the arranged scene. Its their job to make sure that the play space remains clear, that the strike hits in safe areas, that no one touches me besides those that are allowed and have been negotiated on...

I do not require or think that its necessary for anything else unless weve spoken about it. I do not think any top is responsible for aftercare as they are not my Owners.

However All of my Tops however have made sure that any play Ive done the relevant aftercare is given, If its fire Im given juice and a blanket or coat. If its a beating Im given water and scritches. None of the partners Ive played with have left me before they were sure I could walk on my own and checked on me before the end of the event and made sure I had their number If i needed anything more from them.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 7:54:22 AM

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It's early for Me, but I'm going to give this a go.

Before - That all toys have been cleaned and/or sterilized properly before being used on the person that you are about to play with. Negotiating the upcoming scene, including what is going to happen during after care. Enuring the area is safe for you to play in to include any equipment that you might be using. Have a basic knowledge of human anatomy, such as where the kidneys are located.

During - Ensuring that no harm comes to the person that you are playing with. This includes things like being watchful that they have proper circulation when being bound, checking their physical/mental status during play, and adhering to any slow or safe words that they might use. Don't play above your abilities. If you're not ready to play with a human target with that whip you bought last week, leave it in the bag.

After - Fulfill any after care that was negotiated prior to the scene. Keep an eye on them if they are the type to be in heavy sub space to the point where they lose motor skills. Get them to drink at least some water because they may not even know that they are thirsty, but most play will dehydrate folks. When possible, check in with them the next day in some fashion and let them know that you're available if they experience any drop at a later point.

Aside from the above, in My opinion, a top doesn't have a responsibility in the bottom's day to day life. There isn't necessarily a relationship implied between a top and a bottom. Those role labels are scene/play terms for activities that folks chose to engage in with each other. Some top/bottom scenarios are little more than meet and beat. I am not the Dominant of My play partners and there is no dynamic established. That's a whole different ball game. I do consider Myself a friend of the folks that I play with regularly, so I'll default to the responsibilities of what I consider being a good friend.

I probably missed some stuff that will come to Me after I have more caffeine this morning.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 8:28:01 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: 0ldhen

During some recent threads this question has come up a lot, so after much thinking about how to present this without this topic becoming a "this role is better than that role" war, with the help of some friends I figured out how to pose these questions.

Yes, I know, all of that thinking for those couple of lines ?

Let's just say I was not wearing my "I am so smart" pjs this week, lol.

I'd like to hear from all types here please and thank you.

What are a Top’s responsibilities? Before, during and after play?

Does any of this carry over into the day to day relationship?

How does this differ from what one would expect from a dominant? Both in a relationship and during casual play?

When I top Master, I am responsible for exactly what he instructs. This can be anything from choosing the instruments to aftercare, depending on the situation.

When I top another, I am responsible for anything that is negotiated pre session. If I am topping someone's property, that is usually not very much at all as their dominant is still in authority... and I've never had a situation where I have held any sort of aftercare responsibility.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 2:41:47 PM

AcademyForSlaves

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Being a Top or Dominant does carry alot of responsibility because you have someone else's life in your hands. This includes physical safety and also mental or emotional well being since the submissive might harbour some psychological issues (that could possibly be addressed better by a therapist). So being a Top requires being caring, considerate, understanding and compassionate (not being selfish and demanding).

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(in reply to 0ldhen)

RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 3:27:07 PM

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Dom's carry a lot of responsibility. They need to be careful during play, the goal isnt to hurt the sub permanently, and after care is a MUST. Subs can react quite differently after a scene. Some may not want to talk, just curl under a blanket and be alone. Others may be hungry, or want to talk. I've known a few that get depressed after a scene. After care doesn't end when they leave. It is a 24 hour thing. I always make sure to call the next morning to see how they are doing.

Another good way to look at it is through the Dom's Creed, which, conveniently, is on my profile. There is also a link in my signature. I strongly suggest reading it.

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http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/creed2.html

I personally read it almost daily, as a reminder of my obligations to my sub.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 4:15:48 PM

SpiritedRadiance

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Rick I think it depends on the person

I do not belong to any of the people who top me, So aftercare is MY responsibility, not any of the Tops I play with. All of my friends who see me day to day are kinky, so they know when im crashing but for the most part, I am aware enough of the rollercoaster to be my own aftercare.

As I mentioned all of the Tops check in but Id be just as fine if they didnt. Im the one asking for the play in most cases, there for Im responsible for myself.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 4:44:41 PM

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If you reread my post, I did say it depends on the sub. Not all of them require actual care afterward, but it is STILL the Dom's responsibility to check every time. You never know, things can change.

_____________________________

The Dom's Creed is a strong influence, one that should be respected and followed. I doubt anyone here hasn't read it.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/creed2.html

I personally read it almost daily, as a reminder of my obligations to my sub.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 4:46:28 PM

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don't know about any other Doms' responsibilities but Master's is to just simply be the man I fell in love with. Other than that they're whatever he wants them to be.

(in reply to rick1283)

RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 4:47:14 PM

SpiritedRadiance

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And Im not talking about someone who owns me Im talking about usually a Switch who chooses at an event to Top me, which is different then a Dom because they are someone I also have a relationship with.

And Its not their responsibility to make sure Im okay after they arent my Dom they are my Top, Someone who is only Topping me during that scene.

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 4:55:51 PM

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You aren't quite getting it. Its anyone who is in control during the scene. And that isn't too accurate either. Sometimes the bottom/sub has to care for the top/Dom a bit.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 5:00:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rick1283

If you reread my post, I did say it depends on the sub. Not all of them require actual care afterward, but it is STILL the Dom's responsibility to check every time. You never know, things can change.

I reread your post, but you misunderstood the OP. She asked about tops, not dominants.

My reply to the OP- For me, the difference between a top and a dominant: I won't be sleeping in the arms of the top. He or she just paddles, or flogs me (or whatever implement du jour), then hands me my water and we bid farewell.

In a relationship with a dominant, that's a whole 'nother ballgame...

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 5:02:45 PM

SpiritedRadiance

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In your opinion. In my opinion someone who;s topping me is not someone whos domming me, and the responsibilities are very different.

Someone whos Just my top is Just my top for that scene nothing more nothing less. If we enjoy the scene we might play again, if we do not we most likely wont, but the fact is for me in my opinion topping is something thats a singular one off thing.

Someone whos domming me is my Dom at all times, he will still have scenes with me and he still has the responsibilities of a top does. But hes responsible for the aftercare and the cuddles and everything else. A top is someone who doesnt own me who ive negotiated a one time scene with. a Dom is someone who does own me whos responsible for a lot more.

I think your confusing what a top is to some people and what a dom is to some people.

For me a top isnt responsible for me after. Everyone Ive played with has taken it upon themselves to make sure im okay but that isnt their job. I am an adult woman who knows how her body reacts to most play. Its my job to negotiate whats okay and whats not, and its my job to make sure ill be okay after. Not anyone I play with.

This is again all MY OPINION... YMMV

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 8:21:12 PM

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No. I'm not really confusing it at all, but in my opinion, it is the duty of the top and dom to at least make a call. But it isn't necessarily the obligation of a top to help. What I usually do, is get in contact with one of the bottom's friends that they trust, and let them know what is going on, without actually saying what caused it, privacy and all that.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 8:22:23 PM

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I don't top per se, but am am an honorary "big brother" to several subs and slaves who stay with us when in transit. they may be with us for a few days, a few weeks or a few months. The first thing I am told id if they have any restrictions or of they are free of collars. In any case they will usually want to play at times and normally tell me what they need. I'm pretty clued in on their limits and the sort of play they like so there is no formal negotiations unless I want to try something new or test new equipment and wish to use their bodies for that reason. I all cases I accept responsibility to take care of them as they need. For me it is a matter of Duty of Care. No more and no less. If they need to cuddle until going to sleep I cuddle them on their bed and move in to my bed with Neets after they have gone to sleep. If they move in with us in bed that is a bonus. Perhaps this is topping but I do see it as me being a surrogate Master whilst they are with us.

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RE: Responsibilities of a Top? - 3/3/2011 10:04:49 PM

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aside from the things my Mistress said the Top has to remain there during the play and maintain during the play while the sub can fully let go so much more control must be maintained by them to remember all this and still give the sub the desired experience

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