AAkasha
Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004 Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pinniped As for developing the relationship first...yes, that would be the ideal. But, I don't want to put a great deal of investment into developing a relationship with someone if the kink aspect is never going to be there, because ultimately it's going to be frustrating. Which is why I'm looking on a kink site in the first place. Sure, I look at vanilla sites occasionally, too, but there's always that barrier of knowing that eventually I'm going to have to sound her out on kink (and crossdressing, which isn't always hooked in with my kink side), and that tends to discourage me from getting anywhere. Women are going to continue to shut you down when you have the position that you don't want to invest the time unless you know your kinks (specifically) are going to be ok with her. I can't tell you how and why specifically, and I can't speak for all femdoms, but that just has ick written all over it. It's OK to make it clear that you are kinky, you are into fetish activities, and that you like a woman who is similarly open minded sensually and/or sexually. But once you start getting into specifics beyond that, I think it starts to make women feel like they are just being pursued in hopes that they will indulge this fantasy, and if not, they are not worth the effort. I can't tell you how many men I dated who, if they presented up front that would want me to do x, y and z acts, I would have NEVER gotten to know them. Yet later, I was gleefully doing x, y and z acts, even though they aren't in my standard 'bag of tricks.' When attraction develops, so does a desire to engage in mutually beneficial intimacy. You need someone who is open to KINK, yes, that's obvious, and it's fair to have that on the table. But to start getting more specific, a woman then has an opportunity to lose interest to you because she feels you're just looking for your kinks. Every vanilla man has an idea of what he wants his perfect sex life to be. Maybe he wants a blow job every morning. Maybe he wants to know, at the minimum, a woman is going to have sex with him 5 times a week, or engage in sex in the shower. Rather than courting vanilla women with this agenda right up front, he is more tactful and will have more success by courting a woman who he can get to agree that sex is important and her appetite is strong. But even then, beware. If the kink, and the specific kinks are so important, for those relationship-minded women, it's still a bit objectifying. I mean if you are not taking time to develop intimacy, you have no idea where YOU may be willing to compromise and adjust, after all. And, in a real relationship, a woman has to know that you will stick by her at all costs, not just if she's playing your kink games your way. I am fiercely kinky, have a strong appetite, and my kinky strain isn't going anywhere. But I push away men almost instantly if I feel they are pursuing me from a place of self indulgence, and/or not willing to invest the time in me as a person. I could care less about a man's wallet; but similar to the other poster before me, my most recent addition to my inner circle "courted me" (from a friendship POV) for a year before we met in person. I'm talking daily emails and 90% of it wasn't even about kink. And while he has a host of fetishes, honestly, it took me a year to figure them out. Akasha
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