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RE: self-destructive subs - 5/1/2011 9:34:59 PM   
subbykat


Posts: 115
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Willow, if this was destructive to my sense of self, I wouldn't be doing it. I'm better off for being in this relationship. I am lifted up, not put down. He is concerned with the effects on me of what he does.

If I am his possession, then I'm his treasured possession. I'm a classic car costing tens of thousands and not a $500 junker. And neither of us would have it be any other way.



I'm not sure I like the idea of being a possession. That makes me disposable, regardless of my value.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 181
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/10/2011 1:20:33 PM   
faithbunny


Posts: 99
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WillowBayU

Even if we do not desire to be used, humiliated, objectified, offered as meat...isn't the entire premise here self-destruction on some level? 


Not saying I haven't had self-destructive days in my past, but if anything I think my current relationship is exactly the opposite. I have a relationship where I feel so loved and so safe that I can allow him to beat me, to choke me, to blindfold and restrain me, and really know that he will never allow serious harm to come to me. I think that's a pretty enviable situation.

~faith


(in reply to WillowBayU)
Profile   Post #: 182
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/10/2011 3:23:52 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Willow, if this was destructive to my sense of self, I wouldn't be doing it. I'm better off for being in this relationship. I am lifted up, not put down. He is concerned with the effects on me of what he does.

If I am his possession, then I'm his treasured possession. I'm a classic car costing tens of thousands and not a $500 junker. And neither of us would have it be any other way.



I'm not sure I like the idea of being a possession. That makes me disposable, regardless of my value.


everyone and everything is disposable whether we like to believe it or not.


(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 183
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/10/2011 3:42:04 PM   
TiedKat


Posts: 6
Joined: 9/9/2010
Status: offline 		In my own set of rules with my Master, one is that, I am an object, a possession of my Master's for him to do with as he pleases. Of course, should he begin to treat me like the cat litter, we have a problem, but when he treats you as though you're priceless and one-of-a-kind (Which, a dreamer at heart, I believe).



Just saw that post and decided to throw in my two cents.

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 184
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/10/2011 3:59:00 PM   
aromanholiday


Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat
I'm not sure I like the idea of being a possession. That makes me disposable, regardless of my value.


Disposable can be very erotic. I suspect this may be an acquired taste....although, to tell you the truth, I've never been disposed of so how did I acquire.... Hmm!

OK, seriously I like anything that makes me feel more powerless, and the idea, or, preferably, the reality that I am disposable most certainly does that!

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 185
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/10/2011 4:17:50 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Everyone is replaceable. No one lives forever. But an art lover isn't going to toss in the garbage a Degas statuette. And if I stop being a treasure to him, then the relationship will be on its last legs. Whether he views me as a possession or not.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to aromanholiday)
Profile   Post #: 186
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/11/2011 9:25:25 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I punish myself, because I'm not living up to my end of the bargain in the relationship. My Master and I are in a long-distance relationship, in which he wants me to train other subs, for him and I (his primary sub). It sounds great to me, but I'm painfully shy and kind of afraid of making a step to make anything happen

So, he tells me in that case he will train some subs where he is and I can come and visit, but not as his primary girlfriend...


This reads to me as a lazy pecker. "You need to prove you love him" by training a bunch of other girls he doesn't know, hasn't met, trained or approved or he'll replace you. It doesn't sound like he's done anything for you in the way of securing your place in his heart or life, controls you remotely and in a fashion that's detrimental to your own well being. That's not how you treat people of value, let alone a full relationship partner.
If you lay down like garbage you will attract people that will treat you as disposable. The internet is full of wankers, many married, that get off on screwing with the minds of willing women. Chain sisters again a wanker fantasy in most cases. It takes a master of himself to master more than one woman...and Knight of Mists would be a good one to ask as he's one of the few long term success stories I've seen.
Great dark secret of what we do...there is no master without willing submission. This person is using abuse and manipulation to control you...these are the weak minded tools of an abuser, not the skillful mastery of one deserving of submission.

Suggestion for forward progress:
1) seek professional psychiatric assistance from a kink friendly therapist (list on this site) IMMEDIATELY
2) stay open to medical and/or chemical intervention
3) realize that your own value is greater than you currently are accepting
4) realize that one that cries, throws fits and threatens suicide to get what they want is not attractive to anyone for a relationship partner, especially a dominant.
5) with professional support address decisions on your relationship

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 187
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/11/2011 9:30:29 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Disposable can be very erotic. I suspect this may be an acquired taste....although, to tell you the truth, I've never been disposed of so how did I acquire.... Hmm!


Go to your local tattoo parlor and have WELCOME put on your forehead...should remove all doubt.

Disposable as an erotic idea with someone you won't miss is much different than someone you are bonded to and partnered with in a relationship where disposal means game over. investment over, time together over.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 188
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/12/2011 8:59:02 PM   
jewelsthepoet


Posts: 132
Joined: 12/28/2010
Status: offline 		i suffer from chronic depression so i understand the suicidal ideation that some subs go through. It's definitely not something to play around with, because if you get in a bad enough way, you need to see a doctor to try to work out the issues or possibly go on medication if the therapy isn't enough to aid in the bigger issue that causes those thoughts.

i am one who beats myself up if i feel i have done something to displease my Dom/Daddy. Mentally of course, but it's because i try so hard to do as He wishes that when i fail, i feel that i have failed Him and it leaves me feeling doubt as to my worth. That's my issue, it's called low self-esteem. You get told enough times you're worthless, you begin to believe it, and even in a healthy relationship, those feelings and thoughts still linger in the back of our minds and can be triggered by something that we get scolded for or simply felt that we had displeased.

It takes years to get over that kind of thing and the sooner you get help the better because i'm going to say this as one of my previous Doms told me... "You've never displeased me as much as you've felt you have and never deserved to feel as badly about it as you have. I can't punish you half as bad as you punish yourself". He was right. And i still do it and i know i do, and that's just something i have to deal with and work on improving. Unless you've really done something bad like cheating on him or completely disregarding his instructions because you didn't feel like it or something along those lines, you should never feel so drastically horrible that it takes you days to get over.

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 189
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/12/2011 9:08:15 PM   
jewelsthepoet


Posts: 132
Joined: 12/28/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I punish myself, because I'm not living up to my end of the bargain in the relationship. My Master and I are in a long-distance relationship, in which he wants me to train other subs, for him and I (his primary sub). It sounds great to me, but I'm painfully shy and kind of afraid of making a step to make anything happen

So, he tells me in that case he will train some subs where he is and I can come and visit, but not as his primary girlfriend...


This reads to me as a lazy pecker. "You need to prove you love him" by training a bunch of other girls he doesn't know, hasn't met, trained or approved or he'll replace you. It doesn't sound like he's done anything for you in the way of securing your place in his heart or life, controls you remotely and in a fashion that's detrimental to your own well being. That's not how you treat people of value, let alone a full relationship partner.
If you lay down like garbage you will attract people that will treat you as disposable. The internet is full of wankers, many married, that get off on screwing with the minds of willing women. Chain sisters again a wanker fantasy in most cases. It takes a master of himself to master more than one woman...and Knight of Mists would be a good one to ask as he's one of the few long term success stories I've seen.
Great dark secret of what we do...there is no master without willing submission. This person is using abuse and manipulation to control you...these are the weak minded tools of an abuser, not the skillful mastery of one deserving of submission.

Suggestion for forward progress:
1) seek professional psychiatric assistance from a kink friendly therapist (list on this site) IMMEDIATELY
2) stay open to medical and/or chemical intervention
3) realize that your own value is greater than you currently are accepting
4) realize that one that cries, throws fits and threatens suicide to get what they want is not attractive to anyone for a relationship partner, especially a dominant.
5) with professional support address decisions on your relationship


You are dead on there. Since when do subs do the initial training of another sub anyways? And since when do the girls alone chose who the other subs will be? Aren't these common sense questions that people should ask themselves when being asked to do these types of things? i've been asked to choose other male partners i would be willing to have sex with but with His final approval over which ones He would allow, and certain restrictions were applied because we were in a long distance relationship and He was concerned about my sexual needs. But it was all done in a very friendly, comfortable setting where everything was discussed in advance and all parties involved agreed to various conditions, ex. - no sex without condoms.


(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 190
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/13/2011 10:09:32 AM   
uncertainlyizzy


Posts: 42
Joined: 4/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelsthepoet

It takes years to get over that kind of thing and the sooner you get help the better because i'm going to say this as one of my previous Doms told me... "You've never displeased me as much as you've felt you have and never deserved to feel as badly about it as you have. I can't punish you half as bad as you punish yourself". He was right.


This resonated with me so much. That's an amazing quote. D has yet to be truly angry with me despite my thinking he should be a good many times. He tells me I'm not allowed to feel bad about something if he's not even upset about it. That he'll tell me if he's upset with me and until he does I should try to ignore any thoughts that say otherwise.

(in reply to jewelsthepoet)
Profile   Post #: 191
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/13/2011 5:43:36 PM   
jewelsthepoet


Posts: 132
Joined: 12/28/2010
Status: offline 		Well there's a lot of truth to that. We often put far more pressure on ourselves to be "the perfect sub" than our Doms/Daddys/Masters actually desire us to be.

btw... to sk about how making a big deal out of suicidal thoughts, let me leave this little tidbit for you in mind.

Going on 5 years ago a friend of mine kept talking about how he just wanted to die. We took him seriously and encouraged him to get help. He did. However, he didn't REALLY get help.

He went on the meds, but while on the meds he was taking painkillers and drinking alcohol. One night, he od'ed on the combination, caused a severe seizure that lasted more than 10 minutes which caused fluid to build up around his brain and put pressure on the brain that lead to brain death. His death was ruled an accidental overdose but we all know what happened. We buried him 2 weeks before my birthday.

2 years before that, another friend of the group i hang with had been off and on depressed but rarely talked about suicide. One night, he got up and said he was going for a walk. He went downtown and jumped head first off a 3 story building and crushed his skull open, died instantly. He had left a note for his mother and brother to read explaining that he wasn't going to be coming home, which wasn't found until the police showed up with the death notification.

When i was 14, my best friend made some "jokes" about killing herself and i just took them in stride, not thinking much about it. That night, she slit her wrists was taken to the hospital but died from extinguination. If you don't know what that means, it means that she died because she lost more blood than her body could handle losing, which caused her heart to stop and so on.


So if you think we're making a big deal because someone said they think about committing suicide, then think again. ANY threat of suicide is to be taken seriously. In fact, it's now a law that if someone says they're going to kill themselves to you and you don't do anything about it, you can be held liable and face criminal charges for manslaughter because you did NOT do anything about it.

(in reply to uncertainlyizzy)
Profile   Post #: 192
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/14/2011 8:41:09 AM   
subbykat


Posts: 115
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aromanholiday


quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat
I'm not sure I like the idea of being a possession. That makes me disposable, regardless of my value.


Disposable can be very erotic. I suspect this may be an acquired taste....although, to tell you the truth, I've never been disposed of so how did I acquire.... Hmm!

OK, seriously I like anything that makes me feel more powerless, and the idea, or, preferably, the reality that I am disposable most certainly does that!


I too like the feeling of being powerless. It tames my inner "control freak". Maybe that's why on some level I find being emotionally manipulated and "forced" to do things that I say I don't want to do arousing. But my Master knows how to push my buttons in ways that get me wildly excited. And the less say I have about "what I want" the more aroused I become. Is that weird?

(in reply to aromanholiday)
Profile   Post #: 193
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/14/2011 10:33:19 AM   
aromanholiday


Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat
I too like the feeling of being powerless. It tames my inner "control freak". Maybe that's why on some level I find being emotionally manipulated and "forced" to do things that I say I don't want to do arousing. But my Master knows how to push my buttons in ways that get me wildly excited. And the less say I have about "what I want" the more aroused I become. Is that weird?


Indeed, but you are in good company.

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 194
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/17/2011 6:03:08 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I was wondering if there is anyone else out there like me, who engages in self-destructive behaviors, such as crying fits, suicidal thoughts or mental flagellation, whenever your Master is angry with you, ignores you or tells you he will break up with you?

I find it very difficult when my Master doesn't approve of me in some way. I get very hateful towards myself and it sometimes takes me days to recover from it.

I dunno about the rest of it, but there's nothing self destructive about a good cry - the rest is not really self destructive either, other than dwelling on these subject for too long will crowd out thinking on other, more practical ways of dealing with the situation.

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 195
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/22/2011 10:17:57 PM   
kadriya


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I have yet to read through other's reply's however I do understand how you feel, with me one simple phrase can very easily rip me apart to shreds for me the words "i'm disappointed in you" or simply a look that i percieve as him being disappointed or not approving will stop me in my tracks, and until Master talks to me I'll tear my self up about it. what i couldve done better, what i shouldve done.. etc.. I no longer indulge in self mutilation but I still do it mentally, will have nights where I'll cry for hours without being unable to stop, and once got to the point I thought about really really hurting myself. I found that the situation was just the tip of the iceburg and that it was because I was bottling how i felt up, i wasn;t writing, i wasn't talking.. i just kept it in until the dam bursts.. I recommend writing if your not able to talk to someone about it.

There was also a point in the past when I was with someone besides my current Master that the very mention of things ending threw me into physical shock.. I couldn't breath and just kind of laid there utterly numb.. it really scared me so much that after maybe 20-40 minutes later a seriously forced myself up off my bed and outside to get sme air and walk around.

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 196
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/22/2011 11:03:55 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2298
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		subbykat,

I'm going to be blunt with you. I don't give mindless threats of breaking up with somebody, over petty bullshit. It's only over a major issue that is damaging to the relationship. I try to humanly do everything I can to address and confront the issue(s).

If you've done something to upset your Master and he's punished you. You need to get the fuck over it. Learn from it and move forward.

If you get caught up in a state of mind. Of feeling like a helpless fuck-up failure you will always be just that.

If you don't believe in yourself, you will never be accepting of anybody else's belief in you. (That's the Bottom Line).

You are obsessing in thought. You need to distract your mind and refocus it on other more constructive things. The human mind can only focus upon one thing at a time.

Sounds like you are spending hours thinking about shit, that you can spend 5-10 minutes thinking about and be done with it.

Obsessing over negative things, does nothing but make you feel more like shit about yourself. Adds un-needed negative energy to the relationship and to the things you should be doing.

You are being you're own worse enemy right now. All you are doing is reinforcing your own negative image of yourself (self concept of yourself).

Sound like you beat yourself up for days, when beating yourself up for 10 minutes was more than enough.

Let me ask you this. Beating yourself up for so long and so hard...Makes everything better how?

You need to learn how to refocus your mind on other things, other thoughts for it to process. Letting go does not mean you are not taking responsibility. Some people refuse to refocus their mind on other things, because to them it means they are letting themselves off the hook.

Trust me, you beating yourself up does not make you any more or less responsible for a screw up. If anything you beating yourself up, is in fact not a very responsible thing to do at all.

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 197
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/27/2011 11:21:32 AM   
a1111


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/1/2009
Status: offline 		By being spthat submissive your repressing your natural self, that's why you self destruct, only way out of it is to live a healthier life

(in reply to subbykat)
Profile   Post #: 198
RE: self-destructive subs - 5/31/2011 10:30:02 AM   
jacXjackXattack


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/31/2011
Status: offline 		I know how you feel-- if my Master is in any way cold to me when I'm feeling subby (especially if he ignores me) I get frustrated and hurt and I just cry. When we're not in our roles, we joke and make fun of each other all the time, but nothing gets to me except being ignored.

I have been having problems with depression and suicidal thoughts for over three years, and I often self-mutilate. However, my Master is a force in preventing that. In addition to being the first person who can make me happy, if I know I'm going to do something self-destructive, I'll call him up and have him order me not to do it. I'm glad to have someone who is so wise, supportive, and understanding to do what no one else has ever been able to do.

Punishment is one thing, but emotional abuse is another. If your Master punishes you occasionally, then you should learn to handle that because this type of relationship was your decision. However, if he knows that the way he treats you makes you suicidal, and does it regularly anyways, that is not BDSM-- that is emotional abuse.

Advice: TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.

-Jaclyn

(in reply to a1111)
Profile   Post #: 199
RE: self-destructive subs - 6/1/2011 6:33:01 PM   
BeautyDebased


Posts: 96
Joined: 3/20/2009
From: My Masters Feet
Status: offline 		I don't believe for one moment it's a "pity party" some respond better to different replies, other replies offering advice though maybe not responded to don't really mean she hasn't taken this one board, I think it's wrong to label someone who even in her own thread is seeking out or reaching out toward those that may offer the sympathy she doesn't seem to be getting.

I have struggled with this, self hatred, even pulled my hair once and accidently pulled a little bit out but after my Master explained that by doing so I'm not only doing nothing to fix the problem, I'm damaging His property and my hair is His, like lots of things, He spends thousands getting it just the way He wants it, that includes a lot of hair care products and simply told me, I do it again He shaves it...that stopped.

It's not uncommon to feel guilt, self hatred and even feel the urge to self harm, it's part of a struggle though thoughts of suicide are not good and if that continues then I would seek some help, it may have passed now, but it can return, maybe he said something or someone said something here which made you feel better about the situation but the truth is, it's a toxic relationship.

I know what it's like to be alone, very alone, I had a husband of four years leave me, and my friends left too, my family isn't close and most nights I'd sit in the same dark room on CM hoping and wishing I'd find my soul mate, my Master and I met some real morons along the way too, thought it would never happen and sometimes tried to make these bad relationships work simply so I wouldn't be alone...but, it's not worth it and I can't stress that enough, I can't change your mind.

That is for you to do, so sure you will be a little lonely for a while but what's better? a small wait or sticking with an idiot who has no appreciation whatsoever for you or your feelings.

It hurt me to bail on some but it paid off too because I found an amazing Master and though I struggle too at times still, He is understanding, loving and gently helps me through when I need it, that is what a Dom should do.

I wish you luck and feel free to private message me, I have been through much the same as you have in the past.


B.


_____________________________

-Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you-

MAT 7:6.

(in reply to coookie)
Profile   Post #: 200
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