RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread)

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RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 11:59:38 AM

HeatherMcLeather

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quote:

I also think you're looking at board dynamics as representative of the whole of BDSM in a way that's not quite accurate. The CM boards are definitely skewed to some 'flavours' of relationship over others. I reckon that if you looked on a board that favoured casual players more (like informedconsent, for example) then you'd have a different impression of the differences between male and female domination.

Or if I had more experience. I do realize that the CM boards aren't really definitive, but you guys are the resource I have at the moment, and I think there's a pretty broad group that post here.

Maybe I'll check out informedconsent to see for myself. Thanks

<Still gazing up in lust and adoration>

< Message edited by HeatherMcLeather -- 5/28/2011 12:00:07 PM >

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:02:39 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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quote:

Sub women have told me many many times that I have a female style of domination,

That's really sharp. That is probably how I should have worded it. A "masculine" or "feminine" style of dominance.

< Message edited by HeatherMcLeather -- 5/28/2011 12:03:09 PM >

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:02:43 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

quote:

It seems to me that males tend to focus on particular acts or details, while females tend to focus on their partner and the emotions he/she evokes in them.
That sums up my thinking pretty well lizi. Thanks
I was wondering why this seems to be the case.

I would say that the why goes back to our brains and how they are wired for experiences. There are differences in them at birth according to gender; then there are the differences that our experiences as one gender or the other produce in our brains over the course of our lifetime.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:04:51 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

What I meant to get at was not that men don't dominate mentally...

Again... could not disagree more.

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RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:05:11 PM

ParappaTheDapper

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Very interesting thread. Thanks for posing the question!

Issues of gender/sex/power always strike me as deliciously befuddling and shaded so subtly that something new and strange emerges with each fresh glance. Which is my rather verbose way of saying "Dude, that shit is a mine field I never know how to walk through." But I think you've hit on a crucial distinction, in the sense that I've always felt like there were two extremes to the way people view the act of power exchange. On the one extreme are people who are disdainful of any act of force, people for whom any sort of bondage or aggression is ceremonial and ritualized and who insist on total obeisance fro their submissive(s). At this extreme, the dominant often expresses a belief that any submissive who requires an ounce of coercion or brutality is "not a true submissive."

At the other extreme, are people who absolutely love brute force and physical power. The exhilaration is in being able to take anything, any time, at the slightest tremble of a caprice, by sheer physical exertion.

Obviously most people come to rest at some more or less plausible point between these two extremes. I can honestly say I've never known anyone who absolutely embodies either radical side though I've met people who come pretty close. I've also known men who fall pretty far toward the extreme "Bend to my will simply because I say so" edge, and women who fall pretty close to the extreme edge of sexualizing raw force, but in general I think you may be right.

I wonder how other variables factor in though. Like, I wonder whether being an introvert or an extrovert plays a role in how one sees power and dominance. Similarly, I wonder about voyeurs vs exhibitionists. Socioeconomic background. Birth order. The human libido is just such a goddamn fascinating puzzle box! Thanks again for this fascinating topic!

_____________________________

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RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:08:20 PM

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Heather,

My own thoughts on this are somewhat jumbled up. Conclusions a long way off for me.

The way I'd put it is that men do, in general, seem to be more 'locked-into' specific acts as dominant or submissive. I generally see 'do-me' male submissives as those who conceive of submission as entailing this or that particular act - any other act(s) don't really qualify as involving submission. But, against that: I don't know femsubs very well.

What makes men more likely to lock their submissiveness to specific acts, I don't know. I do think men being more visual is somewhere in the mix. Likewise their size, relative to women. And the picture might also be skewed because of the HNG bias at CM. But another thing that might be crucial is the fact that men just do value action more highly, and feelings
less, than women. In any given context, that is.

But that's about the limit of what I can come up with on the basis of my pop psychology. I've a strong feeling that all this could turn out to be garbage. That's often been the case in the past when people have evolved their theories about the supposed differences between men and women - I wouldn't be at all surprised if that were to turn out to be the case here, too.

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(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:08:32 PM

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I'm probably not going to do very well with this answer, so I'm just going to ramble for a bit and see if it turns out ok.

The only time it ever even occurs to Me to evaluate if a particular sex act is Dominant or submissive is when somebody asks the question here on these boards. The reason for this is that I'm more focused on the undercurrent of authority. I'm not concerned about who's body is positioned where or who's mouth is doing what. I don't see penetration as an 'invasion of My vagina' or any of the other silly stuff. Anybody who has time for that during a good fuck is doing it wrong.

I think a part of this is all about perspective. Some people would say that if clip's on top, he's positioned 'over' Me. Screw that! I'm in the more comfortable position and he's doing the majority of the work. Depending on My mood, I tend to relax better. Kind of a fun position if I'm penetrating him, too. It's kind of fun for Me to lay back and watch him ride the strap on for himself. It doesn't even occur to Me that he's in the "Dominant" position because he's higher up.

We had a really good thread some time back about Dominant women and blow jobs. Yes, some people see oral sex as 'serving' someone else. I don't see it that way. Have you ever thought about the position of power someone is in when they have the power to make another person lose all control through orgasm? Better yet, torturing them by taking them to the brink and they still have to ask permission to cum? I don't see that as submissive at all. Take any man to to the edge of orgasm and you'll see just how much control you've got.

I get why some males feel the way that they do. Being on top is My favorite position for face slapping and such. Real power trip. I'd probably say the same about telling the boy to get on his knees because I want him to give Me an orgasm and he doesn't get anything but the gratification of Me cumming on his face. Poor boy. Don't you feel sorry for him?

If one believes that the greatest sexual organ is the brain, it really is this simple. Maybe even more simple than that. It's just primal. Instinctive. In this, it's really not all that different.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to Contentment)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:08:58 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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quote:

Again... could not disagree more.

Yes, I didn't word that very well did I?

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:11:23 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

That's why the captain of the football team has a harem of girls wanting to date him. The geeky scientist, head of the chess club, does not have that harem of girls. I am greatly generalizing but you get the point.

Thank heavens for that, I always found the jocks full of themselves, in general (with few exceptions) really really boring because all they want is to be admired and think women are their "due", the geeky guys tend to be the ones who you can have great conversations with, a fun time and they do their best to please a girl, because they don't think girls are their dues... I always preferred brains over brans...

I know right? Yes, I've never gone for the 'obvious' choice in a man or the men that were popular with other women. An aquaintence told one of my sons "No offense, but your Dad is a weird looking dude." He is, but he appealed to me because he was a reader and we'd talk about books. My guy now is not a knock-out but holy cow he is smart, hilarious, and fun to be with. Plus there is the added fun of getting the geeky guys out of their clothes and going woo hoo....nice! We almost have more fun being goofy than anything else, give me a guy who is secure enough to be goofy and I tend to melt.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:13:23 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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Thanks for your reply Parappa, I was hoping you'd chime in. As usual I walk away from your post with some fresh ideas. This time you've left me with a lot more questions than I started with. Which was sort of the point of what you were getting at, that's its a real Baskin Robbins sort of thing.

(in reply to ParappaTheDapper)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:14:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

quote:

Again... could not disagree more.
Yes, I didn't word that very well did I?

There are obvious differences between the genders... and vive la différence -- I simply don't see them in the areas you've referenced... at least not with the non-HNG Doms/Masters.

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(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:19:07 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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Thanks for contributing, your hunkiness, I always look forward to your ideas on any topic.

quote:

But another thing that might be crucial is the fact that men just do value action more highly, and feelings
less, than women. In any given context, that is.

I'm not so sure its a question of valuing one over the other so much as emphasizing. This would tie into Sylvere's idea that social conditioning might have a role to play.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:19:34 PM

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Oh, ps: I love giving rimjobs. Interpret that however you wish.

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(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:27:43 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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Thank you LadyPact. You were one of the posters I had in mind when thinking of the Dommes point of view. You are obviously just as physically oriented in what you do as any male dominant, but its the reasoning behind it. You have summed up very well what I was trying to get at as the "feminine" style of dominance.

quote:

Anybody who has time for that during a good fuck is doing it wrong.

I agree, when its done right, its hard to think period.

quote:

Poor boy. Don't you feel sorry for him?

More like envious.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:31:05 PM

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Heather

Its been my experience that what a man may own up too in public isnt always how its gonna be in private. But, thats just they are.. some of them anyways.

Maybe its just me but I have this ability to find that little boy inside and end up with a man who enjoys that boy as well. Sex, for me, is playful and exciting... its also passionate and rewarding... its also all consuming (in that moment) and respectful.

quote:

male dominance is physically based and female dominance is mentally based. Now I’m sure this isn’t the case always or for all people, but there is enough evidence on these boards to make this a valid starting point for a discussion.

Yes, I have read the whole thread so I realize you didnt express this as you wished. On the surface, I can see your point. Dominant men love to physically control, at least the one's I know. But they love to feel... they love to know... they love to react... they love to be challenged.

In that effort, the one's I know take time to get into a submissive's head, wanting... almost hungry... to know what makes them tick. A man can order a submissive into a certain position and have at it. Takes no effort. Getting to know a submissive so well that a simple look, phrase or a gesture can reduce her to a begging puddle of slut flesh before his eyes... takes more than just brute strength.

These are the men I know.

quote:

Take for example rimjobs. I'm pretty sure most would consider this a very submissive act, and few would consider it dominant in any way (if they'd even consider doing it), and I agree, when I do it, I am put into a very submissive headspace. To her it is a very dominant thing to do, to have me do it to her. But it works the other way around too, when I am flipped over and tongued just because she wants to, well I feel very submissive, and quite dirty for "allowing" it. So, from this, its clear that the same act can be both dominant and submissive, it depends on the reason for the act and how it is done.

To me, no act is purely submissive or Dominant... and every act is submissive AND Dominant. If it makes him feel good, why shouldnt I flip over and let him do as he wishes? If it makes him feel good, why shouldnt I flip him over and do as he wishes?

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RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:33:50 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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I agree Pam, about the mental stuff being really hot. And the talking as well. have you noticed any difference in how men and women scene?

quote:

Too bad i'm not a lesbian.

I agree with this as well

(in reply to gungadin09)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:34:14 PM

ranja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

its clear that the same act can be both dominant and submissive, it depends on the reason for the act and how it is done.

indeed

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:39:44 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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quote:

Its been my experience that what a man may own up too in public isnt always how its gonna be in private.

Now that's a really, really good point!! it ties in with the social conditioning idea from way back at the beginning of the thread.

I find it interesting that the subs who have responded tend to agree that there is no inherent dominance or submissiveness in any given position or act.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:43:27 PM

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Take for example blowjobs. I adore giving head... I dont think there is any better sexual act... but Im insane ... lol.

It can be seen as a Dominant act... the pleasure he is getting.

It can be seen, from my perspective, as a submissive act... because I love giving them and I love making him feel good.

In truth, its neither Dominant, nor submissive, because both are enjoying the act for different reasons.

And, yet its both Dominant and submissive because both are enjoying the act.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

RE: Male vs. Female Dominance (My 1st thread) - 5/28/2011 12:43:59 PM

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lizi, exactly, plus I much rather like a face with character than a pretty boy who'll hog the bathroom mirror for hours, not that I don't like a well groomed guy, but essentially I'm not into a guy who's a bit like a strutting peacock.

A couple of years ago I was friends with a lovely female submissive, we had so much fun talking, hanging out and she was hilarious (unfortunately straight as an arrow) but she cracked me up with stories about some male doms, her verdict was while submission turned her on sexually, she found most dommes were pretty awful in bed and just considered being selfish "wam bam, thank you mam" fucks as "dominant", she said she found the odd gem now and then but the majority, she'd rather be caned or whipped by them than fucked... Made me laugh.

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