RE: Fibro, school, house of 6

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 10:46:39 AM

poise

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Oh.

Pardon!

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 10:54:03 AM

GreedyTop

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sorry, Poise, I didnt mean that as a comment against your post... but that is what the history of the postings, between them would imply...

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 10:59:03 AM

LadyPact

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I don't want to cross a line here, but exactly how old are these kids? Part of being a parent is the job of teaching kids how to survive in the world when they are grown. That includes their responsibilities within the house of cleaning up after themselves, if that is age appropriate.

My rule of thumb was always that the house had better be in at least the same condition when I got home as the way it was when I left it. If it wasn't, I'd be right over them while they did whatever they should have done before I got home. This got done before dinner was started or any other plans that they had with friends or whatever were allowed to be conducted.

It sounds like you are lacking either the authority, the structure, or the follow through on how the house is to be taken care of in your absence. That needs to be established and you have to be willing to back it up.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:02:25 AM

tammystarm

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Totally failing as a parental figure. Truly my fault, its hard to be laying in bed in tears, tens unit etc etc and get up every five minutes to check on them. Greedy, ok so you havent like our post, so why respond so rudely. I mean we once was CM friends, and i get it... but if i dont like the person than i dont say a word. Constructive yes, bashing no please.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:04:31 AM

GreedyTop

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constructive: WHY THE FUCK IS HE NOT STANDING UP AS A FATHER?

ETA: seriously, he needs to make a distinction between you being his "slave" and him being a responsible parent.

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 6/27/2011 11:05:58 AM >

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:07:43 AM

tammystarm

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He isnt the father of my kids, i am in charge...that was the agreement. His daughter and her boyfriend live here, but they are always in their room. she does mow the lawn and cook about three times a week. my kids are 13 and 10, and somewhere down the line after the fibro hit i let them get away from murder since i felt so guilty not being able to be the mom i wanted to be, hell they just lost their father too. Now its time to lay down the law, but i dont have it in me. Its quit school so far as a solution, but how freaking sad is that!

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:11:08 AM

thishereboi

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You have said that the kids won't help with the house and he won't help either. Yet he still expects the house to be clean when he gets home. So you have a couple choices. You can quit school or be in constant pain. It is obvious from your answers that you don't expect him to change so if you are going to stay there and let things be, I guess you will just have to suck it up.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:14:14 AM

tammystarm

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agrees to most, however i didnt say he doesnt help, he has chores he has choosen for hiself as well, they are about the only ones that get done. It was an agreement between the two of us, that after a long marriage and raising her children he would never go down that seriously rocky past with anyone elses kids, i understand.....long story. Besides i never realized that i do need help with the kids. O well just curious as to solutions, have fun and be good to yourselves!
tam

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:14:29 AM

thishereboi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

He isnt the father of my kids, i am in charge...that was the agreement. His daughter and her boyfriend live here, but they are always in their room. she does mow the lawn and cook about three times a week. my kids are 13 and 10, and somewhere down the line after the fibro hit i let them get away from murder since i felt so guilty not being able to be the mom i wanted to be, hell they just lost their father too. Now its time to lay down the law, but i dont have it in me. Its quit school so far as a solution, but how freaking sad is that!

What's sad is he is allowing this to happen. It's his daughter and if she is old enough to be living with her boyfriend, she is old enough to help out a lot more than she is doing now. And the boyfriend who is also living there also should be helping. Your kids are younger, but can also have chores.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:17:46 AM

BitaTruble

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Tammy, you are not their friend. They have friends. You are their mother. Quit being so gutless with these kids. They don't want to put their video games away.. THROW them away. They leave their shit all over the living room? THROW it away! They will either learn to put their shit away or they won't have any shit *to* put away. Unless and until you start acting like their parent instead of their friend, all the advice in the world will be for naught. They will have a lot more respect for you in the long run.

Oh, and kick the boyfriend out. Seriously.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:18:27 AM

GreedyTop

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quote:

2 of them are my children and two are His.... none at this point are leaving. ~bangs head on desk~

what? is he abdicating responsibility for his own kids as well? because that is sure as hell what it sounds like from your postson this thread.. Taking you on as a "slave", IMO, means he should have been taking on the mutual rssponsibility for YOUR responsibilities.../ i.e. YOUR kids, especially if he wanted you to take on HIS kids.

Tammy.. as oon as yuo attached yourself top this wanker, I lost all respect.

at this point, I will attempt to leave this thread. no promises..because I LIKE you and want what is BEST for you.. and that twat is not, obviously.

I hpe you have a wonderful life (although I suspect it is going to be NOT wonderful, and filled with lots of physical pain.. your bed, you made it...)

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:21:04 AM

GreedyTop

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excuse my crpy tpyng.. has kitth on my tyopng armn

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:29:46 AM

LadyPact

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Ten and thirteen are definitely old enough to understand that it is *not* acceptable to make a mess that they don't clean up. What kind of chores were they responsible for prior to you going back to school? Start with that and build on it. (Please don't say none, because that's not a good idea even if someone is a housewife. It doesn't teach them responsibility.)

Even if you're starting from the very beginning, get at least three rules in place.

1. If you want to eat, you are also responsible for cleaning any mess that accompanies that.

2. If it's on the floor because of you, it's your responsibility to get it up off of the floor.

3. Your friends coming to the house are an extension of your responsibility.

It does you absolutely no good to have rules in place if they are not enforced. If you're starting from scratch, it may not be as easy to say that you are in charge of the house and Art has delegated all of that to you. He may have to help getting this change off of the ground. The daughter and the boyfriend may also have to be enlisted to help. You're supposed to be a family, so act like one. That means pulling together as a team for the effort.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:37:36 AM

kalikshama

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</tangent>

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:40:45 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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A huge part of the 50s household structure was: "Just wait until your Father gets home, young man!"

I am one of those throwbacks who thinks kids should have both male and female role models, and that Fathers can do more than make money and take the kids to the zoo on occasion. Kids want to do right, and unless they have been subjected to lots of emotional BS will go along with the program unless they realize they don't have to. Think of your family as a pack. There has to be an alpha, and if no one steps up to be the alpha, one of the kids will do it. And then, you will have complete and utter chaos.

If you want to solve this problem, someone has to be alpha. This does not mean being mean or cruel or even raising your voice. It means taking control. It means setting down rules and chores. It means assigning someone (like Art) to do follow through. It means making sure you are all 6 on the same page daily. In a few months, once it becomes a routine, you will not have to be so careful about follow through. But you have let these kids learns your no doesn't mean jack shit.

All kids need consequences. This is how they learn to make good judgements. If you can't take it upon yourself to handle this, then all 6 of you need to be in family counseling.

JMO

BTW, if Art won't go to family counseling, this should tell you a great deal.

Editing to add: Please listen to everything LadyP has said. She is so spot on I could have said the exact same words.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 6/27/2011 11:45:25 AM >

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:45:49 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

His daughter and her boyfriend live here, but they are always in their room. she does mow the lawn and cook about three times a week. my kids are 13 and 10

Have the boyfriend pay rent, which can be used to pay for a cleaning service.

At age 11, I was taking care of my younger brother and sister, and babysitting for neighbors. My 4 yo nephew picks up after himself.

You adults need to step up to the parenting plate. Decide who's role enforcing discipline is going to be and stick to it.

When my husband and I were both working full time and going to school, I bought a dishwasher and hired a maid, because there simply wasn't enough time in the day and I too function best in an organized home. You have 8 extra hands - put them to work.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:48:44 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:55:07 AM

tazzygirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

agrees to most, however i didnt say he doesnt help, he has chores he has choosen for hiself as well, they are about the only ones that get done. It was an agreement between the two of us, that after a long marriage and raising her children he would never go down that seriously rocky past with anyone elses kids, i understand.....long story. Besides i never realized that i do need help with the kids. O well just curious as to solutions, have fun and be good to yourselves!
tam

The one daughter and the boyfriend are playing house in your house? They either kick in on the chores... and the rent... or out they go. Takes care of two problems right there.

The two that are yours? Pick a day when you feel like you may be alive - I have fibro too and I know what a bitch that is - and you clear out their rooms. I mean everything.

Chore lists are a must. As they keep up with their chores, items are returned, privileges are returned. No one gets a free ride.

And, finally....

YOUR health is HIS concern. If he doesnt give a damn about your health enough to make those kids do any work to help you, screw them all and do nothing. Being slave/kajira sounds great. He does exactly what he wants and nothing more.... and the kids are seeing this and following in his footsteps. If you want to continue to be a doormat, then do so. Even my ex... the gorean asshole that he is... manned up and made his kids do chores.

Its easy to toss this off on you, but its supposed to be his home. He is just as responsible for imparting unto all the kids the life lessons for being self-sufficient. He is failing in tha regard.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 11:57:30 AM

LillyBoPeep

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here's an A+ to tazzy =)

several people have tried to offer the rewards system as a way to get the kids to see to their responsibilities. but at the end of the day, tammy, if there's no parent to follow through, the best laid plans will fail anyway.
there's a dad who doesn't care about being a dad, and a mom with an illness that prevents her from doing much.

i can't imagine being with a man who just totally didn't care about my health.

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 6/27/2011 11:58:28 AM >

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/27/2011 12:13:13 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

here's an A+ to tazzy =)

several people have tried to offer the rewards system as a way to get the kids to see to their responsibilities. but at the end of the day, tammy, if there's no parent to follow through, the best laid plans will fail anyway.
there's a dad who doesn't care about being a dad, and a mom with an illness that prevents her from doing much.

i can't imagine being with a man who just totally didn't care about my health.

I so agree. And I have pain issues at times as well. The man works a hard job, and I am responsible for housework and cooking. Not a problem in the least if my back is up for it. When it's not, he comes home from work and takes care of *me.*

Palming off responsibility to your sub b/c you don't feel like coping with reality is BS. He won't clean but wants things clean? Poor baby doll. That is not how life works. Shit happens.

And if he is suggesting you are a bad slave (and I suspect he is) please don't buy into that BS. He is putting you in a situation where you will have to quit school. Why is that?

Please think long and hard as to why that is.

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