RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s)

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s)

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s)

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 3:48:28 PM

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
Someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes in the United States and you think caution = broken. Sigh.

No, I think paranoia is broken. Then again, I think people can actually take time to get to know each other, rather than do a quick background check and turn up at a hotel wearing an overcoat with a suspender belt, stockings and heels underneath.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 4:12:46 PM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

So, on the one hand, the OP was told more than once that she was a fucking idiot for being taken in by someone she didn't check out more carefully, and now you come along and say she would be a fucking nut if she had? No wonder the poor girl ran screaming from the room.
Ah the joys of asking for advice from anonymous people on the Internet.

Yes, because all of the fucking nutbags here had really practical advice on how to determine if a guy would fuck you without a condom. Yeah, that shit definitely shows up in public records.

I hate to break it to you oh-so-clever people, but integrity doesn't show up in someone's readily available public records. Your advice in this instance is about as useful as an origami self-defense course and you toss around your ludicrous ideas as though you're the font of all wisdom. In reality you're a pack of self-righteous assholes who enjoy the odd bit of schadenfreude.

Integrity is determined by watching the degree to which a person's words match their actions. Last I heard, Ted Bundy didn't have a criminal record, so anyone bringing him up is making my point for me. Namely, trust your instincts. Women have incredibly finely-honed instincts when it comes to men - the problem occurs when they ignore them. If you run around digging into someone's past, find nothing and then presume all is copacetic, then you're setting yourself up to be a victim. The most reliable indicator of someone's personality is to watch their behaviour and trust your instincts. If you find yourself making excuses for someone's odd behaviour then you're not trusting your instincts.

Security and safety are ongoing philosophical ideas - not procedures you run at the entry point to any relationship and then just presume all is well once they run the gauntlet of your background-checking.

of course checking further isnt going to tell a girl if a guy is gonna use a condom or not (duh) but it might have told her if he was married and all that, which she said she did find out after. A check isnt always going to show you to run from the guy but its just one tool, along with a good instinct and various other things (like taking things very slow, meeting in public, etc) that you can use to see if the guy lies about things and well, if he lies about one thing, chances are pretty good he is lying about other things too. And if you find him lying then a rethink of anything further with him might be a good idea. And (gasp) some people even ask to see recent std test results before having sex even if they agree to condoms... gee, hope thats not too paranoid for ya.

For myself, when i was looking for someone before it was always coffee meetings so I never did anything as far as research on him. Until a guy makes it thru that and you both decide to see each other again, then that is when i want to know more about him cuz that is actually might turn into something.

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to Awareness)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 4:19:17 PM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

it bugs me too, but that's because if we are getting close, and you ask, i'll tell exactly how many times and what the fuck for of all my legal run ins. i'm not ashamed of them, its just fucking part of life.

you know, a sleazoid might do something similar, tell the girl about some minor trouble & claim he is reformed and yet not tell her about the serious shit he has done/been in jail for. A guy confessing some minor stuff might fool the unwary into thinking that was all it was when reality might be something else...

ETA- but oh, thats just paranoid thinking on my part

< Message edited by tj444 -- 7/23/2011 4:20:16 PM >

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 4:25:12 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

you know, a sleazoid might do something similar, tell the girl about some minor trouble & claim he is reformed and yet not tell her about the serious shit he has done/been in jail for. A guy confessing some minor stuff might fool the unwary into thinking that was all it was when reality might be something else...

True, and that sleazoid might have a fake ID in a stolen name, so that a background check will confirm their devious story . I guess you'd best require DNA tests going back 3 generations eh?

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to tj444)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 4:28:42 PM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

you know, a sleazoid might do something similar, tell the girl about some minor trouble & claim he is reformed and yet not tell her about the serious shit he has done/been in jail for. A guy confessing some minor stuff might fool the unwary into thinking that was all it was when reality might be something else...

True, and that sleazoid might have a fake ID in a stolen name, so that a background check will confirm their devious story . I guess you'd best require DNA tests going back 3 generations eh?

okaaaayyyy add DNA testing to the list!!!... the cops do keep dna tests now on rapists, murderers and such, so a very good idea Arpig!

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to Arpig)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 4:51:59 PM

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

For Fuck Sakes. According to the paranoia tabloids, the advice goes as is: Wrap yourself in bubble wrap in at LEAST 5 layers. Don't ever leave the house, but in case you do, and decide to ever meet anyone again, make sure you are carrying a M16 Rifle and have a swat team ready and available just in case you meet up with the next Ted Bundy ( the one is going to have a mile long police record for murder, rape, assult, burglary, espionage, grand larceny, illegal whale hunting) ... oh and dont forget to go and see that doctor ...

you know,

to see about the ...

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to tj444)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 4:58:06 PM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

For Fuck Sakes. According to the paranoia tabloids, the advice goes as is: Wrap yourself in bubble wrap in at LEAST 5 layers. Don't ever leave the house, but in case you do, and decide to ever meet anyone again, make sure you are carrying a M16 Rifle and have a swat team ready and available just in case you meet up with the next Ted Bundy ( the one is going to have a mile long police record for murder, rape, assult, burglary, espionage, grand larceny, illegal whale hunting) ... oh and dont forget to go and see that doctor ...

you know,

to see about the ...

naw, I will just get a lie detector software program, its about $100.

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to JanahX)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 5:12:12 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Tonight in Stalker Theatre, we'll be showing you how to evaluate the sexual history and net worth of any man you meet. Plus, in our regular series on evidence gathering, we'll demonstrate the five telltale signs that reveal the state of a man's relationship with his mother.

You people are fucking nuts. And I emphasise the 'fucking nuts' bit. Arrest records? Divorce papers? Property deeds? Why don't you go the whole hog and hire a private detective just to be sure?

I would not waste my time with a woman who was that paranoid, had such low self-worth and whose instincts were so poor she couldn't work me out just by getting to know me. Shit like this screams "issues" in bright red neon.

See, to me this screams "something to hide". The men I've chatted with and ended up hooking up with didn't mind my checking them up first. They had nothing to hide and welcomed my doing a check since it would make me more comfortable meeting them.

Zeph

This is utterly alien to me. I'm unlikely to want to spend much time on someone that's decided that some background check on me was required. I'd rather they just held off and took their time getting to know me. I wouldn't be thrilled about it at all. I'd rather they had nothing else to do with me.

It has nothing at all to do with having anything to hide and far more to do with the fact that they were looking at me with doubt and not willing to spend the time to have *all and anything* disclosed.

I took M at his word many years ago and he took me at mine..... We spent years getting to know each other and if he wasn't quite what he portrayed then I'd probably never know. I've never delved.

I got to know my husbands by time spent and I've never had a bad egg in any man I've had a relationship with. They were very decent men......and not a check in sight.

I'm pretty much in agreement with Awareness.............because that's how I view getting to know people. The moment I felt the need to check up on someone to the extent of *Arrest records, Divorce papers, Property deeds,* woyuld be the moment I owe the chap the decency of turning him down.

Anything else would be rude.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to zephyroftheNorth)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 5:33:53 PM

Posts: 395
Status: offline

quote:

No, I think paranoia is broken. Then again, I think people can actually take time to get to know each other, rather than do a quick background check and turn up at a hotel wearing an overcoat with a suspender belt, stockings and heels underneath.

No one has said, NOT ONCE, that a background check is the be all end all, or that a clean background check guarantees a good lay. A background check, as tj444 said, is just one of many tools---including your gut instincts---for determining if its safe to meet up with someone. This doesn't demonstrate paranoia; it demonstrate's an intense respect for your own safety. When it comes to the risks associated with meeting an internet date (rape, murder, a debilitating std) you can never be too careful. No one's looking through public records to see if its safe to sell girl scout cookies to some guy, but to see if its okay to go ahead and meet up with him. You know what? Maybe it is paranoia. But in this case, I'd say paranoia is a good thing.

This, I think, is especially true if you're meeting someone online for the first time. Its extremely easy to fool someone on line---you can send fake pics, fake documentation, portray a fake personality, pretend to adhere to fake morals. When you meet someone in person, its much harder to fake that stuff, especially since we, as human beings, can pick up on the dishonesty in each others non-verbal cues and actions. Not so online.

To the OP, I think a lot of people here are being way too harsh. As semisweet said, if writing an ANONYMOUS letter on an obscure forum online (not exactly "smearing" in my humble opinion) makes you feel better, go for it. This man did a horrible, evil thing, to both you and his wife. He treated you like an object, had unsafe sex without your consent, and will probably continue to do this to other women. But there are plenty of evil, self-centered assholes out there and one way or another we have to keep ourselves prepared for that. We all make stupid mistakes sometimes, but it is important that we learn from them. Do whatever you need to to recover from this (go get checked for std's, see a therapist perhaps, take some time away from CM) and move forward. Next time, do a background check before you meet up with someone, go on several vanilla dates, wait several months before agreeing to have sex, and TRUST YOUR GUT. If you accidentally turn down a good guy, no biggie. He may feel bad, you may miss out, but you won't die. Can't say the same for meeting with someone you don't trust who just happens to be a serial rapist. This isn't 100% your fault. Technically, he did the abusing. But since your the one who has to deal with the negative consequences, perhaps it is best to think of it as your 100% responsibility to make sure a guy is safe.

< Message edited by HisPet21 -- 7/23/2011 5:35:09 PM >

(in reply to agirl)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 5:41:10 PM

zephyroftheNorth

Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline

~shrugs~ okay you feel differently. To me it screams something to hide. Maybe it's the way he wrote it but that's how I see it. I'm really glad that things worked out for you and M, I've learned the hard way that there can be absolutely no red flags at first so I'd rather take it further and do a check on guys I meet online.

_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
Member: Subbie Mafia
Member: Hibbie's Hotties

(in reply to agirl)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 6:51:53 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Tonight in Stalker Theatre, we'll be showing you how to evaluate the sexual history and net worth of any man you meet. Plus, in our regular series on evidence gathering, we'll demonstrate the five telltale signs that reveal the state of a man's relationship with his mother.

You people are fucking nuts. And I emphasise the 'fucking nuts' bit. Arrest records? Divorce papers? Property deeds? Why don't you go the whole hog and hire a private detective just to be sure?

I would not waste my time with a woman who was that paranoid, had such low self-worth and whose instincts were so poor she couldn't work me out just by getting to know me. Shit like this screams "issues" in bright red neon.

See, to me this screams "something to hide". The men I've chatted with and ended up hooking up with didn't mind my checking them up first. They had nothing to hide and welcomed my doing a check since it would make me more comfortable meeting them.

Zeph

What, exactly, about this post says * something to hide*?

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to zephyroftheNorth)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/23/2011 7:00:56 PM

Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Oh someone could check up on me all they like. I doubt they'd find anything remotely interesting. However the fact that a woman approaches every man as a potential abuser tells me that she has serious issues. I'm not remotely interested in broken chicks.

Someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes in the United States and you think caution = broken. Sigh.

And according to the US Population Census of 2009 and my trusty calculator, at that rate, it would take 1168 years and some change for everyone to be sexually assaulted.

Now, if we had a population of let's say 40 people isolated on a small island or large manison and someone was being sexually assaulted every 2 minutes, then I would be FREAKING THE FUCK OUT (and demanding background checks for all parties involved)!

< Message edited by DecadentDesire -- 7/23/2011 7:05:28 PM >

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/24/2011 1:56:38 AM

Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline

If you want to get to know someone's real character, then take him or her on a wilderness trip preferably in the rain or snow. There is nothing like adversity to bring out one's true nature.

(in reply to DecadentDesire)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/24/2011 2:53:46 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

This doesn't demonstrate paranoia

Sorry HisPet, speaking as quite possibly the only person on these boards with actual firsthand experience with it......it does demonstrate just that.

oh and tj, regarding the DNA crack....

it was supposed to be a put down!! Try to pay attention!

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to HisPet21)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/24/2011 3:27:14 AM

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Okay I have to chime in here.

I go by gut instinct. I have met real time people I first met online and: one man I invited to my house before driving about 50 miles to a play party together (we knew some peeps in common); another I met at a hotel in Indy, we had a great dinner, did some great dancing, then spent the night together sleeping in the same bed (no play, he's married and I don't play with married men), it was a platonic date with someone I had great rapport with and had the chance to meet. Another man (who became my sub), met at my house, took me out to dinner, came back and gave me a fantastic massage before I sent him back to his hotel room.

I have met numerous people (both sexes, all orientations.) at my house and then went out to dinner, or driven to meet them. Oldhen and I have some tentative plans to hook up once she gets back, as she's a couple hours away from me. (That should be a gas !!)

I don't understand what the big deal is here, even in a romantic hookup. You meet as platonic friends (not lovers), and go have a blast while you see if there is chemistry. If you get hinky vibes, you extricate yourself ASAP.

If there is wonderful chemistry, you take it from there.

In any encounter, romantic or not, I would be paying close attention to see if their words match their deeds. If they don't, I don't want you as a friend, either.

Integrity is determined by watching the degree to which a person's words match their actions. ~Awareness

A background check is about as worthwhile to me as that STD/HIV test. You have only their word they have not had unprotected sex with someone since they got the test results. You don't know, they could have had a quick one with the nurse.

If I don't trust them enough to be truthful about their sexual history, as sure as hell don't have sex with them.

_____________________________

(in reply to Arpig)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/24/2011 3:35:33 AM

DarthVaderOfLove

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/17/2011
Status: offline

I'm willing to bet if you removed the word "alpha" from your "what I am looking for" section, you'd hear from considerably fewer assholes. It has been my experience that guys who refer to themselves as such are typically douchebags.

(in reply to Awareness)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/24/2011 3:38:33 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

Oh the heady recklessness of today's youth!

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/24/2011 7:20:03 AM

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

And according to the US Population Census of 2009 and my trusty calculator, at that rate, it would take 1168 years and some change for everyone to be sexually assaulted.

Clearly, the entire population is not assaulted:

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).1 17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.1 9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.2
Look, I operate out of basic trust, rather than basic fear. However, I am a big believer in "Trust in God and tie the camel."

Like I said earlier, having found public records validating my gut instincts on several occasions, I am now comfortable relying on my gut alone.

(in reply to DecadentDesire)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/24/2011 7:25:27 AM

zephyroftheNorth

Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline

considering that those stats are only the REPORTED sexual assaults, they are alarming. Consider that they are apparently very low and that there are may women who don't report having been sexually assaulted and they are positively horrifying.

_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
Member: Subbie Mafia
Member: Hibbie's Hotties

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) - 7/24/2011 7:43:33 AM

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police
15 of 16 rapists will never spend a day in jail

(in reply to zephyroftheNorth)

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s)

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.176