Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (Full Version)

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dew69 -> Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/21/2011 8:06:56 PM)

I *know* I screwed up, but I also feel this Dom was unscrupulous. A little help? Feedback?
Below is what happened. This was an open letter to him on a message board that he will probably never see. I just worry that others may be exposed to his dangerous, inconsiderate ways:

Yesterday, I awoke feeling pretty down, low. (A strange spot for me as I am generally happy, smiley, inquisitive, excited...)

I stepped in somewhere new ... and I trusted *You*. We had had enough interaction beforehand (indeed, perhaps too much interaction beforehand) for you to know and understand that. Yes, you even had acknowledged it.

What I [foolishly] didn't expect: the very fallible, human side.

I don't think your intention was to hurt anyone ... and I suspect I set myself up to get hurt. The little warning flags and questions on the trust front were there beforehand and I even stopped to ponder them. I chose to ignore them. So who is really at fault but me? I own my part for lacking the self-respect and guts to walk away. However, I have to think you are also partially responsible as you made a commitment of safety, protection and honesty (and "gentlemanly" behavior) and you failed to assure my safety ... and ultimately yours and the others you are with by having unsafe sex with me while I was unaware and in a position where I could not see.

Yes, today I am sad for me and for you. I think being more straight-up from the onset (on your behalf), you actually trusting *me* with the truth, could have set us on a different path.

I understand that you were overwhelmed by the deluge of communication, and you told me that. However, you still showed up and stepped in. Then you asked me to start over, let it all go, left with words to the affect of "there will be a next time". Then, you bailed. Cowardly move. You bailed without having the decency to drop me even a quick note to say, "This is not going to work for me. I am moving on."

So, despite our communication issues beforehand, you still chose to step in, took someone else's safety in your hands, and then disappeared. (For future reference, it is decent protocol to "check in" in a day or two to make sure all is well ... even if that was a one-off.)

Sigh, I think perhaps you stepped in over your head and what you really wanted wasn't this role. I think you wanted just some non-identity, impersonal sexuality on your terms. You can have that too. Just be *honest* about who you are and what you are actually asking for.

Will I step in again and seek someone else? No. Not for a long time. The door was opened and then quickly slammed shut again.

Be well. Take care of yourself and those in your close circle. You, and they, deserve that.

/s






Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/21/2011 8:30:13 PM)

So in this long long piece are you saying he basically promised safe sex, then once you were not able to tell what was going on didn't have sex with a condom on??

I'd say yes, you're both at fault here, but he's the one ultimatly who promised something and then waited till you couldn't tell any better, and that is preditorial. Or at the very least unscrupulous.



DarkSteven -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/21/2011 8:37:10 PM)

Sounds like he got a one night stand and you expected more.

Sorry you got hurt.  Next time, listen to those warning flags.



littlewonder -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/21/2011 8:38:54 PM)

Was this the first time you guys had met in real life? If so maybe slow down next time and get to know the person first?

Just because someone says they will or won't do something doesn't mean they will or won't. Trust their actions, not their words.




DesFIP -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/21/2011 8:40:37 PM)

There is no protocol that says the guy you have a one off with will be there a day or two later. If you need that, you need to discuss it beforehand. And as you've learned, some guys lie to have sex and make promises they won't keep. Didn't you learn that in high school?



dew69 -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/21/2011 9:06:55 PM)

We had discussed and agreed ahead of time: Safe sex. There would be check-in afterward. (Among many, many other things. I was supremely clean on my boundaries going in, and he intimated that he was clear on them too.)

Yes, I suppose I *did* learn that in high school but high school was sooooo long ago. :-)

And I spent a good chunk of my 20s and 30s in *one* relationship. Alas, I think I am naive.

Thank you for all the feedback. It really helps!

I notice he has re-posted seeking another person like me. Sigh.



JanahX -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/21/2011 9:28:45 PM)

go to a doctor and make sure he didnt give you a creepy crawlie.



Iamsemisweet -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/21/2011 11:31:07 PM)

I am so sorry. I had a similar experience, it is disapointing



sunshinemiss -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 5:02:23 AM)

Sunny
Quote of the Day
goes to
JanahX

for
go to a doctor and make sure
he didnt give you a
c
r
e
e
p
y
crawlie.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3778059/tm.htm



Buzzzz -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 5:23:52 AM)

Sorry it happened. Take it a s learned lesson. Next time , go slower , check references, and check references.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 5:35:56 AM)

I am very sorry this happened to you, it was a harsh lesson indeed.

Yes, I can see you gave your heart too quickly and trusted when you should not have done so. That is often easy to see in retrospect. Not so easy to see and deal with when it's happening.

And I say this b/c something quite similar happened to me when (from my pov) I was way old enough to know better. But before you start beating yourself up over it, remember: This is what this man does. He manipulates and takes advantage for his own sexual gain. It's what he's good at. Sure in retrospect you can see the signs, but he's so good at what he does you take the chance.

All kinda wonderful reasons to make sure you get checked out for the creepy crawlies.



ChasteDream -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 6:54:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I am very sorry this happened to you, it was a harsh lesson indeed.

Yes, I can see you gave your heart too quickly and trusted when you should not have done so. That is often easy to see in retrospect. Not so easy to see and deal with when it's happening.

And I say this b/c something quite similar happened to me when (from my pov) I was way old enough to know better. But before you start beating yourself up over it, remember: This is what this man does. He manipulates and takes advantage for his own sexual gain. It's what he's good at. Sure in retrospect you can see the signs, but he's so good at what he does you take the chance.

All kinda wonderful reasons to make sure you get checked out for the creepy crawlies.



I so totally agree. Really sorry to hear of your experience, dew. What can one say? There are predators around the bdsm scene, same as anywhere else. To be a sub/slave, you do have to make yourself vulnerable. Maybe the best I can offer is to say don't let it put you off; just listen to the still, small inner voice next time. and yes, if you can, see if he has people who will vouch for him. But he may not, and actually be ok. Make sure the first meet or two are vanilla next time, and see how the vibes go. And even the first play session, no serious bondage or anything else that takes you totally out of control.
Dare I say, imo this guy is guilty of rape. If that's what it was, you have the right I think to consider if you want to take it further.



leadership527 -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 10:10:55 AM)

OK, let me get this straight. You have a lover's dispute with someone who isn't even your lover... more like some random guy you fucked. Then when it doesn't turn out like the fairy tale you post "open letters" all across the internet? Sheez, I'm used to this level of melodrama from online goreans. What the hell? At 38 this is how you behave? WTH again!

You need to get your head screwed on straight in any number of categories. Do be sure and tell any future partners that if it doesn't go as you hope, you'll be smearing them all across the internet.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 10:39:47 AM)

hold on here. this is all because some fucker spun you a tale to get a little tail? well blow me down, as the canaanites said at jericho.

what's the fucking news here? what the fuck is there to be confused about?
he fucked you bareback? well guess what babycakes, guys will fucking do that. you should pay better attention to what's getting stuffed up your cunt, it's YOUR cunt, nobody else's so you have to look out for it, we sure as fuck aren't going to <we may be quite happy look at it, though>.

he didn't get back in touch? waaaaah waaaah waaah. big fucking deal, guys do that too. either he never intended to call you again, or you sucked donkey balls as a lover. makes no diff one way or the other, deal with it and move the fuck on.

you got fucking played, and well played at that. you want to know who's fault it is? yours. 100% yours and yours alone. you fucked him so it's your responsibility entirely. next time be more careful who you fuck.

i swear, some people. fucking doughnut holes.



kalikshama -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 10:48:25 AM)

He was a scumbag for the unsafe sex part of the scene. You need to get to know men a whole lot better before you let their penis near your vagina. Do pay attention to the warning signs. Every one-off I've had, I predicted it going in.



kalikshama -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 10:49:49 AM)

quote:

I notice he has re-posted seeking another person like me. Sigh.


Did you expect anything else? Hide and block his profile.



dew69 -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 10:53:58 AM)

Hahahaha!
I will take all the harshness with a grain of salt.
We had *negotiated* for a month, chatted, met, planned. We were explicit about safety, sanity, and consent. I *did not* consent to getting it bareback. I consented to *safe play*.
YES, I am responsible for myself, as I said in my letter.
No, I am not smearing him all over the internet. No names were *ever* included.
I am sure his wife would be *psyched* that he is fucking a stranger bareback without consent. What if I gave *him* something, right? (PS dfin't know there was a wife until after because he said there wasn't.)
Anyway, I am confident enough to not accept your arrogant criticism in the least.
Next time you negotiate with someone and agree to have safe sex, fuck them bareback, would ya? If that's your style, more power to you. ;-)
Xoxoxox



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 11:06:30 AM)

Safe sex negotiation is only as safe as the person you are having it with. Talk is cheap. You learned that the hard way.

And yeah, of course there's a wife, he's a dickhead.

Block and move on.





tj444 -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 11:27:03 AM)

well, that is why i dont have sex with anyone from online before i get to know them in person for some time, just as platonic friends and meeting out in public. Most guys like that sleezeball you met wont take the time to do that, they are looking for the... ummm... quick in and out...

I shudder when i read that women are looking for play and sex the first time they meet, you have no way of knowing what the guy is about, how extreme he is and once you are under his control (tied up, drugged, drunk, etc) he can do pretty much anything.

Learn to spot those guys. Watch anyone you talk to online and see what questions they ply you to find your vulnerabilities and dont assume that anyone is telling you the truth about anything, not until you have first hand proof of that. Imo, its better to error on the side of caution.

Do you know why he had unprotected sex with you? Apart from it feeling better, imo, its mostly because lots of married guys get limp when they wear a condom and bareback is the only way they can stay hard.

Can you imagine his wife? How she will feel once she finds out about what he has been doing? Imo, just be glad you arent her, she has to live with that creep. (shudder)



DecadentDesire -> RE: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a/s) (7/22/2011 11:30:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: dew69
No, I am not smearing him all over the internet. No names were *ever* included.


It's not so much that you're smearing him. It's the fact you wrote this long letter that clearly shows you have projected a ton of emotion and expectation into this guy on your first date. That, in and of itself, is a red flag that shows a detachment from reality, also commonly known as "sub frenzy". I am assuming this is your first play date.

Call me crazy, but this is the Internet and there is, amazingly enough, a lot of men on here who want to use it's anonymous veil to just get laid, quite possibly, *gasp*, behind the backs of their spouses.

Does this excuse this particular man's behavior? Absolutely not. However, to let it bother you this much and to respond to it with so much emotion, demonstrates a clear lack of solid boundaries, particularly in the area of emotional attachment.

Being submissive does not mean you stop playing your cards a bit close to your chest like you do in the beginnings of every other adult relationship.



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