DumbassSub
Posts: 89
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline
|
Find myself with mixed emotions, frustration, disappointment and guilt.
In short i responded to a profile seeking slave labour, a skilled handyman, with tools and necessity to obtain tools required if such not already owned. In addition to capability and tools hard manual labour also required. Shall receive OWK experience in exchange, including fully equipped dungeon and opportunity to sleep overnight shackled in dungeon. In making application i was accepted by Mistress and made the two hour drive to Her home.
Indeed it was much hard labour as that weekend required removing basement floor ruined by flooding, cleaning out crawl space below, laying vapour barrier and carrying 7,400lbs of bagged stone to be spread in crawl space. That night i was permitted to give Mistress a foot massage and then retired to the dungeon to sleep on floor. Heavy iron shackles chained to floor were attached to wrists and a metal spreader bar was attached to my ankles. So far so good. At end of workday Sunday Mistress obviously listened to my interests and i was rewarded with Her golden nectar which was awesome. Also experienced a 10 minute flogging session that was lacking and in truth a disappointment. It seemed as short half hearted effort with no sense of energy, magic nor power exchange. That lackluster episode created so I gave thought to the equally lacking OWK promise which had me with expectations such as eating bread and water from a bowl on the floor or perchance scraps off plate of Mistress or dominant, authoritative moments during work. The hard labour aspect was good, golden nectar was special and interaction between myself and Mistress was very good. That was balanced by mediocre, disappointing dungeon session and lacking expectations pertaining to promised OWK experience. Although i said nothing perhaps my disappointment was obvious as Mistress made comment promising a more robust session and OWK experience next work visit.
Another two hour drive to residence of Mistress and another work weekend. Again a overnight sleep in dungeon and to work next day. Unexpectedly early Sunday afternoon Goddess informed me She must shop for appliances that are on sale and as such there be no time for session. Promise was made for yet another extended session with future work visit. Her words hit me hard and found myself flooded by feeling of being used, deceived and conned. It was not a good feeling and two hour return trip home made much quiet time for thinking. It created so my frustration, disappointment and sense of being used grew stronger.Why the last minute slight of hand and denial! I had always found a Mistress to be with integrity and with good character values and deserving of trust, honesty and respect.
Third visit was a repeat. Arrive to work as slave labour, sleep in dungeon, work Sunday morning and early afternoon to be informed session required to be postponed yet again as Mistress be tired and not in mood. It was explained mood and mindset are important to Mistress. I was pissed, deeply disappointed and obvious it showed with my body language and facial expression. I made comment about lack of OWK aspect and lack of sessions, to which i received response "arrive next weekend to install 3-car tempo garage and all day Sunday be perfect extended session. Verbally i conveyed acknowledgment, but inside i was very much disappointed and thinking the situation be yet another deceivement.A extended session!!!! Heck, there had not yet been sessions except for a mediocre flogging session and sleeping on the floor shackled. Where was the OWK experience that was promised!!! The drive home allowed two hours of thinking... two hours of negative energy, frustration and disappointment that intensified and created so i felt as being used... had created so i lost trust and respect for Mistress.
The result of such had so i rebelled. I refused to make next visit and chastised Mistress for not honoring Her word and for lacking integrity. I conveyed She was not truthful, nor sincere... simply exploited instead of dominating and exercising power of control. It was harsh words and such words i had never spoken before. It was uncomfortable and awkward to utter them, but also i sincerely believed it had to be said. I expressed i had done my part and expected that She do same. Mistress stated She was tired, depressed, frustrated and not in the mood. I realize with all She has been through there is much energy draining stress, regardless i responded we had a mutual commitment, a agreement. In honouring my end i fully expected She honour Her side of it. Mistress asked why i was going to war with Her. I explained recent history of events, also expressed how lost trust and lost respect created so i did not believe there would be OWK experience nor a a future session... simply stringing me along with broken promise upon broken promise, where i bring tools, work hard and when finished get sent home with promised expectations unfulfilled. Would a cash paying customer be treated in such manner! Of course not! To function as slave labour... why is that not of value.If it saves expense and progresses project forward, if it brings feeling of happiness and satisfaction... is that any less of a value? In heat of the moment i made comment i have shown myself to be a sincere slave, trustworthy, truthful and with integrity... why can Mistress not do similar and to demonstrate being a true Mistress with values and integrity of a Mistress.
The result of this confrontation had so that Mistress said She needed my services and to show up and work She will demonstrate She is true Mistress and with truth and good character. I was a tad nervous and wondering if i was being careless or foolish in arriving at home of Mistress after such exchange. Obviously i had stirred a hornets nest and upset Her much. Would She seek retribution, would She be vengeful or vindictive? Would She decide to teach me a lesson i would not soon forget? It mattered not as i detested the feeling of being used and to feel conned and lied to. I wanted promised expectations fulfilled and that is where my mindset was. Not smart nor logical perhaps, but it was as it was. I put in my head whatever happens, happens! In arriving, Mistress was wearing a black and red PVC outfit that perfectly highlighted Her equally perfect silhouette. She instructed me to kneel down, kiss Her boots, strip naked and follow Her to the dungeon on all fours. Session began, was excellent and pushed limits only slightly. My fear and nervousness of retribution were unfounded as Mistress was totally professional and did not allow for earlier confrontation to interfere with session. End of session i was chained to portable toilette and again rewarded with Her golden nectar. It was a perfect session that from start to finish encompassed two hours. The OWK aspect remain unfulfilled but at the time i cared not. I was impressed with session and thankful that many things that were askew seemed back in proper place. That weekend i worked and drove home a happy, contented slave with positive thoughts, positive energy, positive karma :-)
Last weekend i arrived to assist with 3-car tenpo garage, reconstruct centre kitchen console and screw many screws into a huge patio deck. A productive weekend and good vibes all around. Mistress canceled patio deck project mid-stream and conveyed She had to visit a friend. As such there would be no session but it could be banked for next visit. From previous promises i did not put much faith in the words of Mistress. It was dejavu! The two hour drive home as familiar negative thoughts that surfaced again. The sense of deceit and being used were once more front and centre. This was second time i canceled personal plans at last minute for Mistress in expectation of having submissive cravings fulfilled only to find myself arriving home disappointed, frustrated and feeling used. For a slave to feel used can be good and positive and even special, but this feeling of being used was not with those positive contexts.
Ironic. This weekend i received much advance notice Mistress wants my services to finish screwing boards on new patio deck, to create a access door and to build a ramp. I say ironic because of family get together out of town i can not spend two day weekend. Thus to spend only one day makes so it will be work only and no session and no OWK experience. To be denied previous week makes so i am also euchred and denied this week. Only difference is this time it is by my own hand, my own doing because of family commitment. This i believe is final work project as required tasks shall be complete. In truth i feel i have been used and expectations to fall short of what was alluded to with collarme profile. It has me with frustration and resentment. That is not proper feelings to exhibit but it the emotion i feel. It gives me sense of guilt. It also pulls me in two directions. I do truly enjoy to assist and to be useful. I know my services are required, save Mistress much expense and make Her happy. Other side of the coin Mistress is not fulfilling Her promises. I have always placed a Mistress on a pedestal to crave to worship and always to view as having good character and integrity, honest and truthful. Much of that has become unraveled here and it bothers me much. Part of me wants to assist with final work project and to fulfill the wants and desires of Mistress. A part of me is with resentment at broken promises and to feel conned and taken advantage of. That part of me has me giving thought to six hour drive Saturday, then four hour drive Sunday and to know denied sessions will never be made up for, OWK will remain only empty words and any promised future session is hollow words. It creates so i am with temptation to convey i can not make it this weekend and seek to reschedule for following weekend. OWK experience likely would not happen, but at least it create opportunity of a final session and a promise fulfilled. To me a promise made is a debt unpaid. With sufficient time to allow for session, it would be good to have final visit end with positive feeling, positive energy. I feel a guilt in thinking such, but also to arrive with feeling of deceit and being conned is not a derserving experience. To convey lack of session as being my fault i thought would make feelings more positive but in truth it does not. I have sent Mistress email requesting if i can possibly arrive Friday night. That would allow so i can complete the anticipated remaining two hours of screwing boards for patio deck. Access door is perhaps one hour labour and ramp i have no idea as i do not yet know Her expectations with such. I am not religious but i pray She says yes to Friday option and perchance session takes place Saturday afternoon.
I remain divided and confused with my feelings. It is Thursday and i remain not sure what i will do, although it seems i will arrive Sunday as promised. Regardless of my personal feelings of frustration, disappointment and of being used, i also feel compelled to maintain my own character and integrity. Regardless, i am curious as to comments. Is my guilt justified? Is my frustration justified or does label of slave signify i should suck it up and with no right to feel frustration. Is deceit and to be used, exploited in such way a valid form of power exchange? Is it wrong to be giving thought of postponing simply to increase odds of having promised sessions fulfilled? Not looking for factious nor sarcastic comments that seem ever popular online. I would however appreciate honest, sincere comments. I am with a confused feeling and realize it will not go away of its own accord. Somehow one way or another i require to come to terms with the situation. I think clear-headed, outside opinion to be helpful.
Apologies for my long verbose rant. It's a venting as much as a seeking of input and advice.
< Message edited by DumbassSub -- 11/3/2011 5:52:22 PM >
|
Confussion/Resentment - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread