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Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 10:01:01 AM

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On the Fet M/s group, there's an interesting topic about who owns the stuff in an M/s relationship. I thought I'd pose the question over here, just to see what people who aren't on FL and haven't seen the topic there might think of it. :p

So, who owns the stuff? Does it matter if the M moved to live with the s, or visa versa? What if you don't live together? Does the M still own stuff by extension of owning the person who lives there? Can you take something from your s-person's place and move it to your own?

Do you feel the need to declare ownership over all the stuff in order to control the /s and his/her use of said stuff? :p Or do you just not really care at all?

I'm trying to condense some of the most interesting posts from that thread without just posting a giant copypasta.

One poster there mentioned a pet with specialized needs that the M was unfamiliar with -- she asked to remain in full control over that animal. So what about pets?

Another poster mentioned that he felt that people talk about this concept a lot, but if an M actually did attempt to sell something an s-person didn't want sold, most s-folk would take off. Thoughts?

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 10:42:26 AM

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We don't live together but before I buy big purchases I ask him first and if he says no then I don't buy it. He allows me small purchases because he trusts me with my finances. If he felt it was wrong though then he would tell me and he would take care of the issue.

There are things I have that he has taken. I'm ok with that. It's his right. He doesn't have to though since he's at my place at least every other day if not every day. The way I see it, he has two homes lol....mine and his but I see everything I have as "ours" or his. Everything I own he allows me to own. If he said they were his then so be it. That's why I'm his slave. We're not equals. What I do or have it's because he allows it.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 12/6/2011 10:43:17 AM >

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 11:17:43 AM

LordNMasterGrey

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LOL.. Interesting topic to say the least! I can not wait to see the results!

As for myself, no live in at this time, but in any case, I do not take possession of my S's belongings.. I have a miserable time keeping track of my own keys, why worry about another's?

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 11:30:37 AM

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I think this is probably the biggest concern next to the kink in relationships. How often to we read about so called masters who want the slave to sign over all their possession, the slave does, the relationship ends and the slave has nothing. Not a good thing.

When the people don't live together, while it is understandable to take the position that the master can tell the slave how he/she can or can not spend money, I think it is highly inappropriate for the master to think that they can just take whatever is in the slave's house to his own. He likes your couch better than his, so he takes it? I don't think so. He decides that he doesn't like you owning a home so he orders you to sell it and move into a small apartment? Not likely. Now when it comes to toys and such, who cares. But for major items? Yea, any slave with half a brain is going to allow there major possession to be taken leaving them with nothing. Personally, I'm not going to allow someone to take my cookware out of the house and claim it as their own. Borrow it? Sure. Take it and never return it? No way.

Now when the people live together, that is a whole different ball of wax. I don't think there is a single experienced person here who doesn't advice "newbies" to make sure that arrangements have been made for their financial future. Many M/s and D/s couples are married, and there are laws which prevent things like houses (bought during the marriage) that are a primary residence being solely owned by one partner only, and in the case of a divorce, the M/s or D/s aspect of their marriage and whose name things are in mean absolutely nothing.

For many, finances are, for the most part kept separate. Regardless, smart people are going to take smart precautions regarding their possessions, money and future. Or at least they should, because even if the partnership lasts until the master or dominant dies, if no arrangements have been made for the slave/sub they can find themselves out on the street with nothing. Not a good place to be.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 12:01:06 PM

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I don't really have much of an opinion, just hoping more M-sorts will chime in. :p

In my last relationship, the stuff wasn't terribly important. It was "ours" even though we didn't live together and it was just stuff that could help either of us do something. We bought stuff for each other and gave each other stuff. I don't think he cared much about my stuff, other than to tell me what he thought I should or shouldn't do with it. :p

He was really great with animals, so I had no issue with him having a hand in pet stuff. He knew a lot and changed a lot of my dog's bad behaviors, but again, he wasn't terribly interested in telling me what to do with the pets.

It's interesting to me because I just never really thought about it before.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 12:04:44 PM

BoxwineForBrunch

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buy a high quality label maker. label everything you want to claim. pets included. that's just good advice for any relationship!

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 2:22:32 PM

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Kind of a moot point for us. We're married and California is a community property state.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 3:02:23 PM

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The law gives you standing, but do you have it as a concept in your relationship? Can your M sell stuff or give it away without asking you? Do you have things that are yours and things that are his, or do you think of it all as being "ours" or his?

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 4:19:19 PM

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Ive seen lots of women thrown out on their ass without a dime to their name. Guy kept everything.

this goes in nilla relationships Im sure as much as D/s.

In a court of law its hard to sort out unless they are married. Thats the thing about marriage, that certificate makes sure that you dont leave with nothing.
When you are not married, some judges wont give you back a thing.

They like to say "prove it".

When your married, you dont have to ... what you earned or got in the relationship---> by law, is usually split down the middle.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 4:22:54 PM

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We live together and have many possessions, mostly having to do with our varied needs to collect.

This is a complete non issue to us. I don't predict we will ever decide not to live together, but should that occur, we will both be excruciatingly fair about all items. I know what is his, he knows what is mine, and we would work out the other things for some fairmess in a monetary sense.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 4:51:40 PM

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With the ex, I kept all receipts. With the man, I dont worry about it. Different characters. But even saying that, the ex didnt keep anything I didnt give him, and I didnt take anything he didnt give me.

Guess I have been lucky.

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 12/6/2011 4:52:36 PM >

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 6:26:07 PM

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Not a slave here and never wanted another master but.. my stuff is my stuff. And it would be even if I allowed another master sort into my life. His stuff is his stuff in that same way. And while we are together it does not matter if it is his or mine, we would use things jointly because it is "just stuff". It has no value or identity other than what we choose to put upon it. If he suddenly decided my computer was of no use to us and opted to sell it then I would take issue with it because I placed a value on the time and energy and cash I put into my computer. It is my stuff, with a value to me. I would question why he couldnt sell his computer instead. Selling things which are not yours without consent feels like theft to me. I don't like thieves.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 6:51:44 PM

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Personally, I wouldn't sweat the small stuff -- "Yeah, yeah, that's your CD collection, and you're mine, so by extension....." And, if we go separate ways, it's like any other breakup - you try to sort out what's what. If they had some clothing I really didn't like on them I might say something like "I hate that shirt - get rid of it". And they can sell it, give it away, or keep it stuffed in the back of a drawer - as long as they don't wear it around me any longer. Couldn't imagine going "I gave half your clothes to goodwill today, you will wear these that are left".

But, I believe one of the duties of a Master is to take care of their slave. (No - don't read this to mean slaves are weak and need someone to take care of them)

And that includes taking care of what happens to them if/when they leave your service. Do they go to school? Do you expect them to finish their degree? Does the slave have a job? A career? Will they get to keep it? If you guys break up after 3-5 years - is there an obvious black-hole in their resume that can't be explained to an employer? If they are working, how is their paycheck handled? Have they been putting money away into savings in case it's needed?

Those are the big questions that should be considered when taking on a live-in slave.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 7:34:55 PM

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He would scorn stealing from me. And that's what it would be if he decided to demand I transfer my house into his name, or my kids' college funds into his name.

But we both have children of our own so we take the view most second marriages do, things you buy jointly are inherited by the new spouse but anything else goes to your own heirs.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 7:51:58 PM

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Everything I own, he owns transitively, because he owns me. Here's how we see it in our relationship: there are my things, there are his things, but they're both just essentially "our things" and we share everything as if it's communal property with no problem--we live together and he doesn't ask to use my stuff and I don't ask to use his, we just do; however, technically, as far as we are concerned, all of it is his, because I am his. However, if he took and sold something of "mine" that I valued, without telling me, I would consider that a problem. It's his right to take whatever he wants and do whatever he wants with it, but it is his responsibility to at the very least let me know before he does it, to allow me to express my opinion on the matter. The final decision is still up to him, but it is always my duty and right to speak up and his responsibility to hear me out first. That applies to pretty much everything. Thankfully, this has never been a problem for us because he values my thoughts immensely and he wants to hear my opinions--in fact, he requires it of me.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 8:12:39 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

The law gives you standing, but do you have it as a concept in your relationship? Can your M sell stuff or give it away without asking you? Do you have things that are yours and things that are his, or do you think of it all as being "ours" or his?

We see here all the time comments from those who question the financial aspect, and of course, your question brings us back to the age old, "he/she can, but never would" area of M/s, just like the no limits thing.

However, when it comes to things financial (and ownership of major assets is financial), in my opinion it is pure ignorance to just take the attitude of "he/she owns me, so it is their decision what is mine." We all hope that our relationships last forever, but the reality is that many don't.

It is naive to believe that someone will never leave you destitute at the end of a relationship without taking the proper, mature steps to see that such a thing can't happen.

For me, should I find myself in a committed relationship, if we don't live together, don't mess with my shit. Period. If we live together, then I consider everything "ours" during that time, and when the relationship ends, expect things to be divided equitably. Which does mean, I get my stuff back, he gets his stuff back, and anything we aquired together is divided in an equitable manner. M/s or D/s has nothing to do with that.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 8:15:37 PM

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In all seriousness, all I really care about is the cat. The cat and I are a package deal. But then we also decided whomever owns the cat owns the litter box, so he's perfectly fine with me owning the cat.

Things are just things. I have lost every "thing" before so I'm not that attached to things anymore. He's pretty sensitive to me retaining my things, though, given my history.

Right now he is shopping for new furniture, and wants to be sure I like it before he buys it, since the plan is to move in together when his daughter graduates. He also has a say in what I buy for my apartment, given we'll be combining homes and furniture at some point.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 8:27:22 PM

SuzeQ

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I own my stuff, Cheri owns her stuff (a lot of stuff!!!), and the rest is Hanners'. Heather "owns" nothing.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 8:54:08 PM

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There is also situations where someone could request money because of loss of a job realizing you have money stashed away for whatever reason and it is large sums of money they need. They may have already been with said person for a long time and the other person trusts them immensely. They may never have wanted the other to work or maybe is home sick for a long period of time themselves or home for the first few years to raise a child etc.. etc... Now with trust and a long relationship and the other person that said money requested from is established not currently working as they are temporarily unable to or requested not to. It being a believed committed relationship requested person gives up the large sums of money thinking whatever it is going to us, to both of us. Now if the relationship fails in the near future said person is up the creek without their initial security blanket and no longer having that the other now has more control of said persons life. This is just one scenario of how a person could come to give up things in a relationship as the other would not want to be considered uncaring if needed.

In other cases say if the relationship did not end and one gives up all saved money that they entered the relationship with and the caring were the same and say the giver of money did still work, but it was a big nest egg some people are just generous like that and would say OK i can earn it all back, forgive them and not expect nothing to be replaced. Some just do not think of it being over as they feel they are committed.

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RE: Stuff about stuff - 12/6/2011 10:34:58 PM

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quote:

But, I believe one of the duties of a Master is to take care of their slave. (No - don't read this to mean slaves are weak and need someone to take care of them)

Wait wait... whoa... hold on

Is he offering a house and an black american express card? If so, Im as weak as he wants me to be.

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
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If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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