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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 9:03:51 AM

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Ummm no, i am saying if you have no respect for the man -- which you don't, and you don't believe he has INTEGRITY based upon your stamping your foot declaring the man won't apologize and is wrong and has turned shit around that you said etc, then your RELATIONSHIP IS OVER ALREADY.

Coming here to bitch about someone you are still maintaining a relationship with only to bitch about their behavior publically HELL LOOK WHO YOU ARE COMPARING THE SITUATION WITH - a drunken abusive dad holding a gun to your mom's head??? then get a clue already!

Don't run to the public with a very onesided concept and your views and leave his out, and now comparing your not announcing it publically with who did you say a drunken father who held a gun to someone's head and whine because he is being mean and believing i am telling tou to REMAIN SILENT -- you have sadly misread but i guess that's easier than seeing the actuality of what is being said?

So pretty much your motive here is to publically announce his behavior -- it's not a question, its an announcement that flays his integrity so you feel better or feel it's okay to leave and shows you have no respect for him, and you believe what i am saying is advocating staying silent as to what is becoming an abusive relationship -SERIOUSLY?

What i am telling you is as you don't have respect for the man you call Dom, you question to all out blast his integrity publically, and you are now comparing the situation to your drunken dad holding a gun to your mom's head - here's your sign

Your relationship in your eyes is long over.

In the end, if you have to question whether or not the relationship is NOT GOOD for you, then its a sign -- it's time to go.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 12/23/2011 9:07:53 AM >

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 9:05:12 AM

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With regard to your OP, I think there are layers to such things that LaTigress touched on; whether or not the matter is recognized as a problem by the people (you and he) involved, whether or not it's acknowledged to each other by those people, and whether or not it's dealt with in mutually agreeable manner. It might be over-simplified to call that the "can't vs won't" situations: Is the issue that he "can't" see your POV, can see it but "won't" admit his error, can see it yet thinks you're wrong, can't see it and won't admit even that, or some combination of all those?

In broader social context, there are all sorts of reasons why people refuse to admit to errors, say they're sorry, etc. It's a complex topic, but in many cases, they expect to lose status, influence, etc. (There are exceptions and inversions to that, with many a crocodile-tearful political mea-culpa 'salvation' as examples.)

Between two (or more) Partners however, unless (and sometimes even if) there's some agreed contract otherwise, it's the "won't" admit errors that violate the good-faith of people putting in an honest effort.

Sometimes (even in general) conflicts about such things should be addressed in private, negotiated to solution by the people directly involved, instead of being argued in public. I think that's often preferable, at least at first, because it can reinforce the partners' relationship with each other. But sometimes, outside perspectives can help to resolve matters, but that can risk turning into a dirty-laundry bringing-up-old-issues mess, so there are up- and down-sides to that too.

Anyway, that's a longer reply than I intended at first, but to sum up, does the problem seem like a "can't" recognize or a "won't" apologize? Or both, or something else?

SB

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 10:36:55 AM

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angel

Motive is based on intent. If my intent was to debase him, my OP would have contained words like asshole, jerk, idiot and fuckwad. And he WILL NOT communicate with me. Everything is always suppose to be light, fun and my job is to entertain him. When i try to communicate with him, i get absolutes like "fear is healthy in a D/s relationship" and then the conversation is over as far as he is concerned and time to get back to playtime. I can tell you from past experience with him that that is going to be the same thing that will happen when this issue with him is "attempted" to be discussed further.

Now, do i want to move forward after this relationship thinking these are the foundations of a healthy D/s relationship? No, i do not. And that was the intent of my post. It hurts enough to realize you're really just a plaything and not a true partner in a D/s relationship. But i cannot and will not move forward into another relationship with thoughts stated in my post that that is the way of the D/s relationship. That is why i asked others opinions.

< Message edited by anniezz338 -- 12/23/2011 10:40:50 AM >

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 11:08:35 AM

Arpig

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What you are dealing with here is neither a Dom nor a man. What you have is a spoiled boy.

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 11:31:13 AM

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Annie, there's a tendency for those of us who come from less than healthy home lives to attempt to recreate that with the partners we pick, hoping that this time it will come out right.

Unfortunately it never does. You are attracted to abusers because they are familiar, meaning like your family. The only way to change this is through therapy. Good luck.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 12:32:47 PM

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The universe kept sending me men with bad boundaries, which forced me to learn to say No.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 12:37:17 PM

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quote:

To advocate staying silent in what could possibly be becoming an abusive relationship, mental or physical, i won't even try to comprehend. This post was started because things are starting to seem unhealthy. If i felt it was healthy, this post would not exist.

Good for you for seeking a reality check. Best wishes.

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 12:45:28 PM

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Keep asking when you need to clarify things in your head, forget those that tell you it is wrong to air dirty laundry in a public forum. It really irritates me when I see people who say that, AS IF they know you personally, know your town, know your family, and know the other party AND feel badly for them on a personal level. It is a bunch of BS.
If you want to ask, or need to, whether that it to get things right in your head or because you have no one close you can talk to about this, well that is why public forums are here.
You ask and take what you need from the answers. Otherwise these places would be just about politics, whines about trueness, and recipe exchanges.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338
But i cannot and will not move forward into another relationship with thoughts stated in my post that that is the way of the D/s relationship. That is why i asked others opinions.

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 1:23:58 PM

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quote:

"fear is healthy in a D/s relationship" and then the conversation is over?

I know of some couples for whom causing and feeling "fear" is part of their relationship. They've discussed it at munches, etc, and some of their play at parties I'd rate as quite edgy in emotional/psychological aspects. It gives the 'causer' a sense of power, control, etc and the 'feeler' a sense of uncontrol, excitement, etc, that sometimes does or doesn't extend beyond sceneplay.

Much of the opinions about that say it can be an arguably healthy stress-reliever for some people; roleplaying, reenactment, escapism, or whatever. If it works for both of them and doesn't induce social, mental or physical harm, fine for them. If it's only wanted and/or healthy for one of the people, then there's a problem.

Personally, when a bound sub gets her thrill of suddenly realizing she's stuck, or that her next big-O ain't waiting for her to be ready, or maybe a communal kidnap scene, that's about a far into 'fear' as I'd choose to push. For other folks, I can see where that could be a lot different, but having 'fear' as a continuing major element in an overall relationship? I dunno. And I don't want to be judgemental if it 'works' healthily for other people.

If the 'fear' aspect doesn't feel healthy to you, then something needs to be changed. If can't be negotiated to adjust, then you may have to sustain a hard decision.

SB

Ps: ... And I know of lots of D/s relationships where 'fear' isn't a foundation element. You don't have to accept that as inevitable.

< Message edited by SilverBoat -- 12/23/2011 1:27:44 PM >

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 1:40:02 PM

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As to all the comments about airing dirty laundry, please ignore them. I replied based on you having no underlying agenda to your post. This was based on your previous posting history, you seem fairly straight up to me.

I am glad my advice helped, while saddened anyone has to go through what I did.

Kudos to you for figuring it out, and getting out.

My best emotional vibes are headed your way,
Chatte

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 3:02:06 PM

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Being a dominant is not a license to be a narcissist.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 3:05:38 PM

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Thank you kali, Des, Miss and Chatte and all for understanding and your kind words.....it has been a long and tiring road.

SB - the out of the blue slaps across the face for whatever unknown infraction, and other things such as that....i fear HIM.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 3:42:15 PM

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To me, if you come to a public venue to talk negatively ABOUT the person you are in a relationship with -- whether it be they smell bad to they abuse you -- you have no respect for them. A relationship is NOT HEALTHY when one or both people have no respect for the other. IF you find yourself doing this -- take a SIGN -- YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER, or at the very least unhealthy and you are contributing to it.

To me, coming online to announce to a bunch of people you don't know how lacking in integrity your dom is, is just like you walking into public square and announcing it asking for people to tell you how it is.

As you won't do the latter, why do the former. To me, this question 1) has been asked in the past, have you gone back and found the achived thread, 2) could have been asked without you making it personal at all, but simply be a question asked as to a topic.

Instead you made it personal, you lamblasted his integrity, you have shown him absolutely no respect, and you are questioning your relationship? Go figure.

While it may irritate people that others question the integrity of a person bringing their dirty laundry public USUALLY to blast their partner because you rarely see these same people bringing what they do to the public eye, so be it -- i question a person's integrity and why they maintain a relationship wherein by doing this they show they have no respect for the person they call partner much less Dom.

As many have said annie, you know your answers, you didn't have to compound the issues you are having with a Man you call Dom by blasting his integrity publically. And we all know if HE would have come here in his defense or lambasting YOUR behavior, he would have had his balls put on a stick and roasted because that's how things roll here usually.

What i am saying is i see a BIG PART OF THE PROBLEM being you and your lack of respect for the Man you call dom. But i guess you and others don't want to see that because that means you are PART of the issue in the relationship. It's easier to blame it all on the guy.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:14:15 PM

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The op has two choices...

Whine and bitch about how shitty most dominants are

OR

Deal with why she makes poor choices in partners.

For added points work on improving yourself

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:14:25 PM

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angel

These issues have been addressed with him again and again and i have been blown off again and again. But when a man looks across a table at me in a restaurant and asks me what would i do if he told me to go slam my hand in the car door for him (EXACT WORDS TWO DAYS AGO), survival kicks in. Survival TRUMPS respect. Getting out of abuse TRUMPS respect.

If i ever saw anyone come to this forum and say "help, i'm in this situation with a person and this is happening and i am scared and i don't know what to do" and all i saw was them getting blasted for having the nerve to "disrespect their Dom", i would go off on them so bad, i would be banned from this forum for life.

I feel some things just flat TRUMP respect.

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I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:24:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

The op has two choices...

Whine and bitch about how shitty most dominants are

OR

Deal with why she makes poor choices in partners.

For added points work on improving yourself

Thank you for your input Michael. Congratulations on your perfection.

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I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:28:11 PM

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Have you left him? Have you actually left and ended the relationship or are you here asking if this should be something you need to be concerned about??

Again, if you are IN the relationship with him, and you have no respect for him then get the fuck out. The fact you are posting this crap on a public message board that he can come look at at any time, tells me you aren't as afraid of him as you make out.

To me, someone afraid of a guy, wouldn't talk negatively about him where he can see, thereby perhaps inciting his anger towards her etc.

If you are still with him, and claim to be afraid of him and are speaking about him like you are -- tells me you aren't afraid of him, you are pissed off at him. You are trying to get one up on him by saying see everyone thinks you are a dick. To me, if you are that afraid of him you would get the fuck out instead of coming online to bitch, whine and moan about how not a dom he is -- not so much because it may be true but because you would be terrified he would see it and his reaction to it.

You've gone from claiming he has no ingrity to now claiming you are sooo afraid of him so you HAVE to come online, talk negatively about him even though he has access to this board and knows you are posting and say hey what should i do?

Doesn't add up in my book.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:33:57 PM

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angel, the relationship is over.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:41:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Yesterday was not a good day.....which has left me pondering a few questions (and about getting the fuck out of it). Such as does being a Dom mean you don't have to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"? Does it also mean that he can twist something around to the point of it being an outright lie ok because he is the Dom? And because he is a Dom, the sub cannot call him on it because that would be crossing a boundary or showing disrespect? Is making a sub feel like shit one of the Dom's prerogatives? Does the Dom make the man or does the man make the Dom?

And above all, is a certain low level of fear of the Dom keep the respect where it needs to be?

I was told once that the first thing you have to learn about being a dominant is that you have to be in control of yourself before you can be in control of any one else.

Being dominant does not mean that you can't be wrong. You are still human. You will still make stupid mistakes and still say stupid things at the wrong times.

As the sub, you have to be able to trust yourself and him enough to call him out if he is in the wrong and is damaging the trust (by lying even if he is twisting the truth to do so) of the relationship. If you can not trust that you can call him on it, be heard objectively and have the changes made that need to be made, then not only is he not fit for a D/s relationship, he is not fit for a vanilla relationship either.

You can either be feared or respected. If you fear him, then there is a problem. The whole idea behind bdsm is safe. This isn't like when De Sade first came up with the concept; we have a clear understanding of how this lifestyle affects the minds and bodies of it's participants. There are volumes written on the subject. You should not fear him in anyway. You should always be able to trust that your happiness, safety and well being are the central core of what his teaching and training methods are.

Your dominant should, in an ideal world, be able to take the limits you have, and work with them, push them a little, but he should always make you feel good about who you are, where you are, and what you are. If he isnt doing those things? I think you should reassess the situation.

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:44:18 PM

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I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you, but good for you for having the sense to end it before things got worse.

Respect has absolutely nothing to do with fear. If you fear someone, you can't have respect for them. If you obey someone out of fear, it isn't submission, it is fear of the repurcussions of not obeying.

We live and we learn. You already learned to get out when you sense something is wrong, so you are a step ahead of the rest.

As for "airing dirty laundry" bullshit. It's just that, bullshit. You asked questions. Yes, it was obvious that any respect you may have had was faltering and that's ok. But the reality is that if people didn't come to these boards with questions, "airing their dirty laundry," this board would be filled with a bunch of jerks looking for wank fodder.

(in reply to anniezz338)

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