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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:54:06 PM

Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Keep asking when you need to clarify things in your head, forget those that tell you it is wrong to air dirty laundry in a public forum. It really irritates me when I see people who say that, AS IF they know you personally, know your town, know your family, and know the other party AND feel badly for them on a personal level. It is a bunch of BS.
If you want to ask, or need to, whether that it to get things right in your head or because you have no one close you can talk to about this, well that is why public forums are here.
You ask and take what you need from the answers. Otherwise these places would be just about politics, whines about trueness, and recipe exchanges.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338
But i cannot and will not move forward into another relationship with thoughts stated in my post that that is the way of the D/s relationship. That is why i asked others opinions.

Thank you!

That is the single best response I have seen to the replies she has gotten to negatively influence her.

I do not think it is at all out of line to seek the advice of peers who have more experience than you do. I do not think it shows any disrespect. She did not name him, she did not name express events, she did not even say what the argument was about.

I think she is simply asking how to untrain herself from seeing this behavior as normal. Nothing in that is wrong. We would all unlearn bad behaviors, or unlearn how to find that unfitting ass hat that somehow finds its way into our bed...

It seems there used to be a sense of community about bdsm that is just not there any more.

_____________________________

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Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement

You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to Missokyst)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 5:54:26 PM

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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Annie,

I was asking questions for the purpose of clarification.

In replies since your answer to me, you have clarified why you are afraid.

If you had been up front about your feeling uncomfortable with his hypotheticals or how you felt about the out of the blue face slaps for unspecified infractions then my answer would have been different.

I do have some suggestions; take or leave them as you wish:

For many people face slapping is a hard limit.

It is okay to have hard limits.

Not everyone has a punishment dynamic and for some of the people who do, punishment is only reserved for the most serious of offences.

It is okay to want a relationship that does not have a punishment dynamic just as it is ok to find one in which spanking is done via "funishment" scenarios.

It is okay to find the type of D/s dynamic you want.

I think you were in an abusive relationship.
I If you find yourself agreeing with that assessment it will likely be very valuable to figure out why you didn't recognise it as such, and/or why you stayed.

Did you somehow feel as though you deserved it?

"Feeling like shit" in a relationship should be a red flag that there is something wrong, or that this relationship is not working for you.
Heeding those feelings is very important as is respecting red flags when you see them.

Especially if this is not your first abusive relationship, in my experience counseling would be useful to help work on the issues that make you vulnerable to being abused and working on your self esteem.

Edit: typo and clarity

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 12/23/2011 6:38:36 PM >

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 6:22:38 PM

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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Using fast reply.

Once again we have a personal problem thread where the OP didn't give complete information, then when they didn't like some of the replies, kept fleshing out the situation, making themself even more of a victim of the evil posters that didn't post warm fuzzies.

OP, it's obvious, based upon the apparent history other posters have become aware that you have a history of chosing bad relationships based upon a lifetime of abuse. I certainly didn't and therefor answered based solely on the first post you made.

In my opinion you shouldn't even be in a relationship right now, especially a BDSM power exchange relationship. You don't have the necessary skills to choose good partners. Forget about a relationship and work on fixing yourself. I am not convinced you ever should be in a BDSM power exchange type relationship.

And anyone that pays any attention to my posting at all, knows that I quite often disagree with both Angel and Michael but I agree 100% with their posts. I think Angel's posts have been misunderstood. She wasn't bashing the OP. She was simply saying that, regardless of what the OP felt her relationship status was, her lack of respect for the man she appeared to be calling master is a clear indication that the relationship is over. I didn't read it as bashing the OP for disrespect, my post was far moreso than Angel's. Angel was explaining, quite well actually, that the lack of respect was a sign and not the problem.

If the OP respected, trusted, was in a good relationship with the guy.........there would be no need or desire to come onto the forums with her relationship drama. She would be able to work through it with her partner.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 12/23/2011 6:26:31 PM >

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(in reply to angelikaJ)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 6:32:20 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

With regard to bringing questions and discussion about D/s relationships to forums such as these ...

There are all sorts of D/s relationships in societies that are more or less accepted, expected, status-quo, etc: Boss/worker, Officer/soldier/ Parent/child, even Husband/wife in some cultures. However, 'kink/sex' D/s isn't mainstream enough that most people would be okay with asking, say, their college chums for opinions about personal stuff, like you might ask them about an employment or childraising concern.

So, what alternatives are there? If you can find and afford a kink-friendly counselor, that's one way. If you're involved with a local kink group, then you could ask other subs, mentors, etc for their viewpoint. (That can get people you both know entangled if things get messy, but that can also be some backstop/backup.) And then there's the quasi-anonymity of asking on forums like this one, where you both might or might not be identified. I do feel obliged to add, though, that the quality of the advice you get via those sources might have some relationship to what you invested in it, so take anything here with grain of salt.

That said, I think you did well at framing what are very personal matters in reasonably objective terms. Based on what you've posted, what he wants to supply in the relationship isn't compatible with what you want to receive. That alone, if it can't be adjusted, is enough reason to review whether to continue or not. And yeah, maybe too, something you don't supply is something he wants, but either thing by itself is enough reason to re-evaluate.

If it's not working for you, or for both, and can't or won't get fixed, then deciding to split up is entirely reasonable. Yeah, being unpartnered again can have its own sucky points, but you're the only person who can decide the pros and cons of all that.

SB

< Message edited by SilverBoat -- 12/23/2011 6:45:54 PM >

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 7:00:51 PM

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Joined: 8/17/2010
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FR

Just FYI, i haven't been in an abusive relationship in over 25 years. I've had counseling. This was my first bdsm relationship and it was good, for a while. Things got weird in the last month or two.

What draws me to this lifestyle is the vulnerability and trust. I have not allowed myself to be really vulnerable in my past relationships and it is so freeing to trust someone with that level of vulnerability. When i trusted him and allowed that vulnerability, it was beyond awesome. I want that again.

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(in reply to SilverBoat)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 7:11:35 PM

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Joined: 7/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

<snip>

First of all.......Just so that the OP is aware....I would have a fit if someone I was in a relationship brought our personal stuff here. They should be discussing it with me until it is resolved. Not pissing and whining about it and me, on a public forum. So if he reads this, be prepared.

That's just me and my thing.

As anyone who has attended one of my workshops knows, I firmly believe that "There is No One True Way." So what I am writing here is strictly the way I do things. I don't claim that it will work for anyone else, but I have been doing WIITWD for close to 18 years now and I like to think I've figured out some of the answers.

I didn't read the OP's post as pissing, whining or, for that matter, anything other than asking about some issues that truly were bothering her. Apparently discussions with her partner have reached an impasse; who do you think she should be asking?

D/s relationships need to be based on trust. When my Dom puts the cuffs on me and I know he can do utterly anything he wants to, I have to know that he is not going to harm me. Notice I didn't say he wouldn't hurt me. :)

There are many styles of D/s; ours is much like the Captain of a boat and his XO. He has the final word; but he values my mind and asks for my opinion on many things. There is mutual respect. We work together to get our "boat" to its destination.
It wouldn't work at all, if I though he was lying to me, or for that matter just being an arrogant bastard.

I suspect that there are a good many things that are less than ideal in the OP's opinion and I would counsel her to look very carefully to see if her needs are being met. If you aren't happy and it doesn't look as if you can be happy, then it's likely to be time to move on.

LadyGold

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/23/2011 7:26:14 PM

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

FR

Just FYI, i haven't been in an abusive relationship in over 25 years. I've had counseling. This was my first bdsm relationship and it was good, for a while. Things got weird in the last month or two.

What draws me to this lifestyle is the vulnerability and trust. I have not allowed myself to be really vulnerable in my past relationships and it is so freeing to trust someone with that level of vulnerability. When i trusted him and allowed that vulnerability, it was beyond awesome. I want that again.

I understand that.
And I do understand the need for clarity and how when one is IN something they can't necessarily see the whole picture.

But you were afraid.
And you stayed even when things went south.

You did know deep in your heart that this wasn't working and you stayed, likely in hopes that it would go back to the way it was before.

As a result, you put yourself in the position to be hurt.

If what happened the other day didn't happen, you would still be there, you would still be afraid of him and he would still slap you out of the blue for unknown infractions.
And you would still feel like shit when he treated you badly.

And all of that (if you aren't consenting to it) is not okay.

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 2:35:39 PM

bdsmsubmissive93

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/26/2011
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ok so last night i was a Dom he pushed me on the bed and i hit my head on the wall and the Dom said "are you ok i didnt mean to harm u well not in the bad way i am sorry" should i be thankful he appolgized or should i blow it off like it was nothing?

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 2:40:57 PM

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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Uhm...I don't get the question. You're both human, he reacted as a normal human would. So...I guess be glad his mama raised him right? ::IDK::

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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(in reply to bdsmsubmissive93)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 2:45:25 PM

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bdsmsubmissive93

ok so last night i was a Dom he pushed me on the bed and i hit my head on the wall and the Dom said "are you ok i didnt mean to harm u well not in the bad way i am sorry" should i be thankful he appolgized or should i blow it off like it was nothing?

Oh forget it, not worth it.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 12/28/2011 2:46:05 PM >

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 3:05:53 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bdsmsubmissive93

ok so last night i was a Dom he pushed me on the bed and i hit my head on the wall and the Dom said "are you ok i didnt mean to harm u well not in the bad way i am sorry" should i be thankful he appolgized or should i blow it off like it was nothing?

Seriously? You're asking if you should accept the apology for something that was accidental?

Are you somehow under the impression that D types don't make mistakes or have accidents happen?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to bdsmsubmissive93)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 5:40:23 PM

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

ok so last night i was a Dom he pushed me on the bed and i hit my head on the wall and the Dom said "are you ok i didnt mean to harm u well not in the bad way i am sorry" should i be thankful he appolgized or should i blow it off like it was nothing?

Sincere apologies should be accepted gracefully - it's not a D/s thing.

(in reply to bdsmsubmissive93)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 6:30:17 PM

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bdsmsubmissive93

ok so last night i was a Dom he pushed me on the bed and i hit my head on the wall and the Dom said "are you ok i didnt mean to harm u well not in the bad way i am sorry" should i be thankful he appolgized or should i blow it off like it was nothing?

sub Abby,

Yes, if my Master hurts me by accident he will say he is sorry.
It has nothing to do with him being dominant (except that as my Owner he doesn't want to damage His property; if he breaks me he can't play with me); it has to do with Him being a decent human being.

I am grateful I am in this relationship to Him, and I am appreciative of his kindness.... but being grateful because He does the right thing?
That is something I expect from him; if he wasn't then he wouldn't be good enough to Own me.
And He owns me because He proved to me what kind of man he is.
Being dominant is only part of that equation.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to bdsmsubmissive93)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 7:18:49 PM

DarthVaderOfLove

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/17/2011
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Screw him. You're a submissive woman on a kinky website. Take your pick. They'd line up down the fucking street for the opportunity to treat you the way you wanted/deserved to be treated.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 7:37:55 PM

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Wha?!!

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/28/2011 11:13:29 PM

DarthVaderOfLove

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Joined: 7/17/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Wha?!!

There's probably a dozen dom guys in this site to every sub chick. Find another one. Screw that jackass. There are a lot of doms who aren't assholes. That's what I'd do. I'd go through shitloads of men, until I find the one I want. Have higher standards, you're in a seller's market. THEY need you, not the other way around. Even if you are a sub. I'm sure there are plenty more jackasses, but they all can't be.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/29/2011 1:10:33 AM

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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Exactly *how* was this guy that she described a jackass? Oh...wait...we're responding to different posters. I was responding to the girl who hi-jacked this thread and you were responding to the OP.
Gotcha.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to DarthVaderOfLove)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/29/2011 5:30:37 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

angel

Motive is based on intent. If my intent was to debase him, my OP would have contained words like asshole, jerk, idiot and fuckwad. And he WILL NOT communicate with me. Everything is always suppose to be light, fun and my job is to entertain him. When i try to communicate with him, i get absolutes like "fear is healthy in a D/s relationship" and then the conversation is over as far as he is concerned and time to get back to playtime. I can tell you from past experience with him that that is going to be the same thing that will happen when this issue with him is "attempted" to be discussed further.

Now, do i want to move forward after this relationship thinking these are the foundations of a healthy D/s relationship? No, i do not. And that was the intent of my post. It hurts enough to realize you're really just a plaything and not a true partner in a D/s relationship. But i cannot and will not move forward into another relationship with thoughts stated in my post that that is the way of the D/s relationship. That is why i asked others opinions.

You may not have called him those things, but when you talk about him, you keep describing an asshole, so what else are we supposed to think?

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/29/2011 6:33:26 AM

Posts: 3225
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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

The universe kept sending me men with bad boundaries, which forced me to learn to say No.

I too always blame the universe for all my troubles...It's far easier than accepting personal responsibility. Now if I could just get my time machine working.

BadOne

_____________________________

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(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/29/2011 7:29:00 AM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarthVaderOfLove

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Wha?!!

There's probably a dozen dom guys in this site to every sub chick. Find another one. Screw that jackass. There are a lot of doms who aren't assholes. That's what I'd do. I'd go through shitloads of men, until I find the one I want. Have higher standards, you're in a seller's market. THEY need you, not the other way around. Even if you are a sub. I'm sure there are plenty more jackasses, but they all can't be.

Actually, it's a buyers market. Part 2: I don't understand how going through shitloads of men means you have higher standards.....it just means you're willing to be with everyone along the way.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarthVaderOfLove)

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