FemmeDominion
Posts: 146
Joined: 1/22/2012
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OP, in response to this post :
quote:
Ok, well......lesson learned.
Never get on a message board first thing in the morning when you are NOT a morning person! LOL
I understand my OP was mean spirited in tone, and I have apologized for that already. ...
...Apologies to anyone who was DIRECTLY offended at what I had to say, because there really wasn't any intent on attacking any PERSON individually, but rather a mindset that I am finding to be more prevalent than I had anticipated.
Take care,
Derek
A long time ago when there were still walled cities and gatekeepers.....
One particular gatekeeper, who loved his city, had one simple question for those seeking a new home in his town: "What were the residence like in your previous town?"
Some would say, "Oh! Generally they were slobs! They didn't take "pride" in their appearance. They felt themselves entitled [my word not yours]. "What I AM frustrated with, is not being able to find people near me who share the same kind of mindset. And by the same kind of mindset, I mean people who make an effort to take care of themselves. THAT'S IT!!!"
Others would say, "They were generally kind. They tended to look out for each other. They were brave enough to be themselves despite adversity. We were blessed to be a mixed community where diversity made our home a place where compassion and all types of beauty could thrive." (Okay, I shoveled it a little deep there but this has been my general experience of the BDSM community- YMMV)
Guess who got to stay and live in the town?
This is a variation on a story that I heard a long time ago about seeing what you want to see. I'm not suggesting you get "kicked off the island" I'm just trying to make a point.
Do you stick around or talk to people to find out if a Dom/me in your community is capable? How will you know if you're busy judging him from a distance? You'll never know that he studied for years under another Master. That he sometimes still feels himself unequal to the task. That his heart broke the last time he took his anger about someone else out on his sub and then realized what he had done.
How long did the sub in your community research the dynamics of power exchange before truly committing herself to the lifestyle? How many nights did she sit up learning terms, positions, what could be asked of her and how she would handle it if it were? How long did she study herself to know what power she had, what it looked like, how she wanted to manifest it, and how and to whom she wanted to give it? Did you ask?
You _cannot_ see these things in a pressed shirt nor in coiffed hair.
"What I AM frustrated with, is not being able to find people near me who share the same kind of mindset. And by the same kind of mindset, I mean people who make an effort to take care of themselves. THAT'S IT!!!"
It seems to me, and YMMV, that the general mindset of the folks in the BDSM community (again this is MY little tiny experience in it) is to stand up for sexual freedom (some more than others) and to get their kink on. If it were a beauty pageant community then our focus would be on our looks and presentation. Perhaps it would be in your best interest to look for the kinky people in a community that has a different focus?
"In fact, the [first] post was MORE about people around MY AREA ONLY who appear to not care about themselves or their appearance.
Now....if that's how they want to be, then GREAT!! That doesn't make them worse than me, and it sure doesn't make me better than them. What it DOES do, is makes us different."
Viva la difference (Fr sp?)? Too bad you cannot just take that, see that, and take care of your self by moving on to get your needs met instead of standing around and judging and telling everyone else how there is something wrong with your old and new communities for not meeting your standards.
"ALSO falls in line with the same people (dominant and submissive) who email you and get incredulous when you don't respond to them. It's almost as if the very fact that they are submissive or dominant, means that you are automatically interested in them, no matter what they look like, how old they are, what kinks they are into, etc. And THAT is where looks and appearance DO have a little bit of importance. "
I'm thinking a little common courtesy is what some may be looking for. You talk about messaging you and contacting you in your intro so you invite folks to do so. You could also put in our profile that you do not answer all messages/replies that you feel are not a match so that others are not expecting them. Sending a message is like standing across the room and waving. They know you can see them. Perhaps they would just like to know why you are ignoring them. I don't answer messages that directly oppose my profile. I say - I don't want someone from out of town. If you're going to waste your time to write to me when you live in X and I live in Y then you're going to waste just your time and not mine too. But I've digressed. Write up a little, "Thank you but no thank you," cut and paste and you're done. Or don't do either and don't take tiny steps to stop feeling frustrated about what everyone else is doing TO you as as opposed to what you can be doing for yourself.
"And again, TO ME, just because you affix a label to you, doesn't just grant you access to everything. Anything worth doing takes EFFORT. It takes WORK. And I'm not finding people with the same motivation. I think if everyone were honest with themselves, you can understand how that MIGHT be a touch frustrating."
And what does the effort look like to be entitled to be called by an honorary? A man can dress in all leather but if he can't judge properly when a sub has hit sub space, understand the effects and boundaries of the tools/toys he uses, nor care about aftercare is he a good Dom? If she can put on a collar and waist cincher but only thinks that to be a sub is to spread your legs and get fucked (unless those are the boundaries of the D/s relationship that she negotiated) is she really exchanging power/submitting? Appearance does not make the man/woman/Master/sub. And you're right, I do find it frustrating that you'd never respect this one guy I knew for his amazing psychological understanding of the D/s relationship because of the way he dressed. His years of thought and care about something so important to him made him incredibly sexy and desirable in my eyes.
"The saving grace to me, is that I didn't call anyone out specifically. I only referred to the people who I have met in my previous local community, and I've only started to see signs of the same type of mentality in the local community where I am now. If you are locally in my community, and I've met you and you have met me? Then I can understand you taking issue with my comments, and I will be happy to have further discussions with you. But if you are in my local community and I haven't met you, then I am OBVIOUSLY not talking about you!!!"
So why not go to the people in your community and ask/talk to them about this? Why did you come here to the boards? It's similar to you coming here to bitch about your fiance. If you're in a relationship should you not do what you need to within the relationship to work it out? People here get strung up for doing this same thing about personal relationships - why not for your relationship to your community? Sponsor/set up a fashion show. Put on a ball. Host a fetish dress up night. You host a play party and set the dress code. You want to see these folks in a certain light? Then turn on a spotlight for them and let them shine.
"But at the time I wrote my original post, I was starting to feel like there aren't any people out there close to us who we can talk to, meet, share ideas, stories, etc."
I'm sorry you're not getting what you need near by. So, think outside the box. How can you get your needs met another way? You may have to look outside your community. You say you two and your sub met here - you may have to stick to the internet to find what you need. You say you have a web cam in your profile - Skype/Yahoo and the other folks are right in the room with you. Get a pen pal. Set up national conferences. Go to national conferences. Take care of yourself and get your needs met. (I see a theme...)
"So, we are HAPPY and don't NEED to "find" people for any reason other than to socialize and to rub elbows with people of like mind. "
Be picky! Be damned picky! I am. I don't let just anyone in my personal emotional/mental space but I don't expect the world to stand up and make itself something for me either which is what it seems to me that you're asking. You say you're not finding what you need where you are nor where you were. Keep looking. You say you're not pointing fingers at individuals here but you used the word "community" and I've found, this is just my experience YMMV, that the BDSM community, in general, sticks up for its own. So if you want to go on bitching about "U/us" you're going to have to go bitch to a group of people who are not "U/us" to get your big batch of sympathy.
OP, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Do whatever you have to do to get your needs met. Stop pointing fingers unless you welcome the while-you're-pointing-one-finger-at-"me"-you're-pointing -three-at-yourself comments and/or the whole judge not lest...
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General reader - again, I have not read this entire thread. All quotes in italics are from the post referenced at the beginning of this post. And, I don't think all the quotes are in the order they were originally posted. My grammar rules are not your grammar rules. Please forgive me for talking about only male Doms and female subs -I know there's more to the community than that.
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Wow... for me this thread is like sticking your tongue against a loose tooth. I just can't help but to keep going back.
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RE: BDSM out of necessity? - 
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And yes, I think that by and large (paraphilias aside) the BDSM population mirrors the world at large. It's just another hobby group, like a bowling league or canasta circle.
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