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RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 12/28/2012 10:03:13 PM   
alildifferent


Posts: 38
Joined: 9/30/2012
Status: offline
On the "sexual loser" dominant side I once met a man claiming to be a dominant model. When we met he was cute enough to be a model. The problem is we never got to do much. He told me he wanted to start slow and simple. Told me to kneel and unzip his pants. I'm guessing it was to give him a bj. He promptly came in his pants and couldn't get it back up. He blamed me for being top attractive. Which is sweet but complete B.S. I turned down any further emails from this loser though I was nice enough to give him the "I'm sure it happens to every guy" speech before relegating him to the "never see again" category.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 381
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 12/28/2012 10:08:02 PM   
alildifferent


Posts: 38
Joined: 9/30/2012
Status: offline
I also met a gentleman pretending to be a married top and dominant. He was dominant enough at first but after a few sessions started begging me to fuck HIM. I hate it when someone pretends to be something they are not. This guy was the opposite of the topping from the bottom kind. He was trying to bottom from the top! Some dominant top.

(in reply to alildifferent)
Profile   Post #: 382
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 12/29/2012 1:33:37 PM   
oceanwaterfun


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/29/2012
Status: offline
Yes, OMG. My first Dom , with whom I still cry over ( the break is very recent) was a true player and I was too naive to recognize it.
However, on FetLife I recently read a great article about the 10 red flags about a DOm. It was brilliant. I wish I could attach, but you have to do your own research.
Of course I sent it to my first Dom ( who now has broken my heart) and guess what he “did not have time to read.”

I think one of the worse things is that in the beginning you have an “honest” conversation about your limits, not only kink, but vanilla ( poly or monogamy, many play partners together or alone) and he agrees, yet as time goes on you realize that he is not capable of being honest. Many of the things he agreed with you, now are not true and you find out on FetLife the duplicity.

I am new, but I think it would be better for him to explain how his position has changed. Again how can I have a deep intimate relationship without trust worthiness and honesty. At this time I truly believe it is very important for your Dom to talk to his sub about feelings, and true desires. At this point we can agree, modify or part ways.

As a newbie, I have come to believe, while this limits one’s experience, it is critical to get references, current and true. After the break up, and they ( my BDSM community) saw how much it hurt, they consoled by telling me they had researched him and found him lacking. So if I had gone that route my heart would probably be in tack now.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 383
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 12/29/2012 1:49:43 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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oceanwaterfun - while I don't in any way mean to discourage you from doing whatever you need to feel safe, I'd avoid putting too much stock into references.

Exes are exes for a reason. Would you ask a guy's ex wife what he was like as a husband? Or would you assume that she might be somewhat biased? Doubly so for online, when people can say any crazy shit with little fear of repercussions and on the other side, it's easy enough to invent a persona to give you a positive reference. If you are going into your local community and asking around, people there might at least be able to say if he is known and if they have seen him acting well and playing safely. But a lot of people never play in public and will never have anyone to vouch for them. And because someone plays nice at the dungeon doesn't mean he will be a considerate partner. My point is, references might rule out a lot of great people and give you a false sense of security over some not-so-great people.

My advice would be get to know a person, watch their actions and date the old fashioned way before any submission takes place. I'd try to avoid emotional investment until you've been on some dates. Will it stop you meeting assholes? Of course not. Everyone has a rough relationship in their past, right? But it will limit your vulnerability to assholes somewhat.

On the other hand, if you were just looking for play, I'd say go for references. But for a relationship, I think they're meaningless.

Sorry you had a bad experience. Time to retrieve the black box from the wreckage and see if there's any way to avoid the same problem next time.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to oceanwaterfun)
Profile   Post #: 384
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 12/29/2012 4:29:44 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwaterfun

Yes, OMG. My first Dom , with whom I still cry over ( the break is very recent) was a true player and I was too naive to recognize it.
However, on FetLife I recently read a great article about the 10 red flags about a DOm. It was brilliant. I wish I could attach, but you have to do your own research.
Of course I sent it to my first Dom ( who now has broken my heart) and guess what he “did not have time to read.”

I think one of the worse things is that in the beginning you have an “honest” conversation about your limits, not only kink, but vanilla ( poly or monogamy, many play partners together or alone) and he agrees, yet as time goes on you realize that he is not capable of being honest. Many of the things he agreed with you, now are not true and you find out on FetLife the duplicity.

I am new, but I think it would be better for him to explain how his position has changed. Again how can I have a deep intimate relationship without trust worthiness and honesty. At this time I truly believe it is very important for your Dom to talk to his sub about feelings, and true desires. At this point we can agree, modify or part ways.

As a newbie, I have come to believe, while this limits one’s experience, it is critical to get references, current and true. After the break up, and they ( my BDSM community) saw how much it hurt, they consoled by telling me they had researched him and found him lacking. So if I had gone that route my heart would probably be in tack now.


The 10 Red Flags of a Dom that you read apply to vanilla men as well.

Don't ever believe that because you are into BDSM, it makes non acceptable behavior acceptable. I also would not ever do a reference on someone; this is not a job interview and one woman's asshole is another's Prince Charming.

(in reply to oceanwaterfun)
Profile   Post #: 385
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 9:56:25 AM   
LittleMissAndrea


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/26/2012
Status: offline
I read this entire discussion last night and didn’t comment, but after a little more reflection, I decided to brave the waters of the boards.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dea2542

the worst so called "Dom" i ever met was actually my first experience in the lifestyle ever. i met him thru an ad i had placed online. we began emailing & instant messaging for a few weeks. he said all the right things & i soon felt comfortable enough to meet in person. he said out first meeting would be in a public place, to see if there was a mutal attraction & to see if we wanted to continue. if we both agreed to continue, then we would discuss the 'details' as far as rules, protocol, what he expected, what i expected, etc.
so, we met at mcdonalds (very public). i arrived first & was sitting in a booth in the corner, so i saw when he entered. he was very nicely dressed, very professional looking, clean shaven, manicured nails ~ so far so good. he walkes up to the table & says, "let's go for a drive so we can talk privately." i say ok. we walk to his car ~ a nice car. he's very soft spoken, appears to be a successful businessman, very well mannered & polite. so far so good.
so, were driving along, he's asking the standard questions ~ how long have i known of my submissiveness? why do i want to be a slave? do i think i can handle it? etc, etc. he gets on the freeway & we're still talking (i'm getting a little nervous). we drive about 20 minutes, he exits the freeway & says he needs to stop by his office to pick up some papers, it'll just take a minute. (still a little nervous but i'm kool).
we pull up in front of 'his office' ~ it's like 8 or 9 pm, no one is around. from the outside everything looks "normal". there's other business around, although closed. so he parks by the front door & i figure i will wait in the car but he comes around opens my door & says he wants to show me his business. ok, kool. he unlocks the door, motions me in first. it's dark but i can see a little reception area, so i relax a bit. he guides me toward another closed door. as i get closer, i see his name on the door (ok, this must be his office). i figure we'll go in, he'll grab whatever we came for & we'll leave ~
so, he opens the door, i walk in, it's dark, i hear him close & lock the door. he turns on the light ~ i almost shit . . . . he's basically got a dungeon/bedroom/living room in there!!!
suddenly, he is a different person. he grabs me by the back of my head & sits me down on the couch. he is no longer soft spoken, now he is yelling at me. TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES & SOCKS! i do. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES & HURRY UP!! i do. i'm standing there naked, TURN AROUND SLOWLY!! i do. BEND OVER THE BACK OFF THE COUCH!! i do. as i'm doing these things, he's inspecting every inch of me. LAY ON YOUR STOMACHE ON THE COUCH!! i do. he starts hitting my ass, my legs, my back, the bottom of my feet with something hard and leather. COUNT OUT LOUD AFTER EVERY HIT!! he stopped at 20.
he cuffed my hands behind my back, stands me up, pushed me towards the bed. SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BE MY SLAVE? i say yes sir. he hits me across my legs & says FROM NOW ON YOU CALL ME MASTER DO YOU UNDERSTAND?? i say yes master.
he blindfolds me, hogties me & for the next three hours "shows me what it's like to be his slave" . . . .


I think that this Dom deserves the distinction of the worst. I read and considered the opinions expressed, including that which was made by the poster in which she said that the experience was enjoyable.

Enjoyable though it might have been for the woman who experienced it, the Dom in question is bad news. That was the poster’s FIRST experience, and any good Dom would have known better than to move that fast with a newbie. The other posters are right- she never said no. However, any Dominant worth their salt is aware of fear response cycles, especially in someone that new who is put in a position where it is almost impossible for her to say no.

This man took a newbie to an undisclosed location, restrained her, and had his way with her, under the pretext of “Domination.” It is not Domination, it is rape. MOST women (and men) would have reacted in the exact same way as the poster, even if they were 100% non-consenting. When you’re locked in a room with someone who intends to sexually victimize you, survival and cooperation are well-documented responses. We won’t even touch on the power dynamics involved in the event that took place, because that adds a whole new layer onto the poster’s reaction (hint: An inexperienced sub is even more likely to yield to a Dom whom she believes to be experienced and in a position of authority over her).

Touching even more on the fact that this occurred when the poster was brand new- those of you who so easily made the jump to victim-blaming and rape apologism really turned my stomach. Yes, she made bad decisions, but WE ALL HAVE. It’s highly unlikely that one can be counted among us who has never once been a little cavalier with our safety, especially right at the beginning. Besides, her poor-decision making has no bearing on the fact that no Dom should have treated a newbie in the way that this man did. He is either completely oblivious (which makes him a bad Dom for not caring enough to be informed on the nature of D/s dynamics) or he purposefully preyed on her ignorance in order to have a completely passive and terrified toy.

The comment that asked if he had a knife or gun to her was particularly unenlightened- even if people can only be raped under threat of deadly force, I think being locked in an unfamiliar dungeon qualifies. Protip: No such threat of force must exist for an encounter to be non-consensual.

Anyway, there’s my two cents on what will likely be my first and last trip to the boards.

(in reply to dea2542)
Profile   Post #: 386
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 11:29:00 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
aahh....another white knighter


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LittleMissAndrea)
Profile   Post #: 387
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 11:41:29 AM   
PetiteOralSub


Posts: 81
Joined: 5/21/2010
Status: offline
definitly not the worse.
the worst is the totally vanilla clueless dude just hoping to get laid who wastes all your time.
any person who wastes another person precious time is "the worst"

she got treated rough, she was not permanently damaged, personally, I would have enjoyed it so I cant empathize or see the harm, my view is clouded that way.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 388
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 4:41:34 PM   
magicmarionette


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/10/2013
Status: offline
"she got treated rough, she was not permanently damaged, personally, I would have enjoyed it so I cant empathize or see the harm, my view is clouded that way."

This guy took advantage of a newbie and broke all of their rules of engagement at their first meeting. The fact that she enjoyed herself was purely luck.

Any Dom who would ignore all boundaries as laid out to engage in a first meeting or play time is BAD NEWS. BAD NEWS.

White Knighting? No. I'm seriously creeped out by anyone on this board who blames a sub for getting treated like that. YOU ARE THE PEOPLE WHO GIVE KINK A BAD NAME. YOU ARE THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO REPORT SEXUAL ASSAULT IN THE BDSM COMMUNITY.


Seriously, wtf?

(in reply to PetiteOralSub)
Profile   Post #: 389
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 4:53:39 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: magicmarionette
The fact that she enjoyed herself was purely luck.

May I ask how you know this? Were you there? Did you hear both sides of the story?

It's easy to be omniscient when reading a message board, but I'll let you in on a secret. Sometimes, when people are telling stories about their past in which they made decisions they aren't proud of, they minimize their own responsibility when describing how things happened. I have no idea whether that is what is going on here. But, symmetrically enough, neither do you.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to magicmarionette)
Profile   Post #: 390
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 5:06:37 PM   
magicmarionette


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/10/2013
Status: offline
I can only base my reaction on the information presented: The OP CLEARLY stated that they had arranged to meet in public and that the Dom OVERRODE the outlined boundaries without further discussion.

What I mean when I say her enjoying it was luck, was that if he did that to someone who is not currently using it as a mastubatory aid, it would have been fully and completely a case of rape. End of story. They had an arrangement and boundaries, he ignored them. That is A BAD THING TO DO.

I'm not sure why this is so difficult to understand. I can't speculate about what happened outside of the story as told and I'm not sure why anyone wants to. This isn't a court case, we don't know who the other person was in the situation. Why can't people just say "Setting rules and then breaking them on a first meeting with a newbie with no discussion is a BAD THING and Dom(mes) who do that are bad people"

I'm not sure what anyone gains by speculating about the OP being a liar, or that she was just diminishing her culpability in what happened. Why can't we see a story like this and say "Whatever bad decisions the sub did or did not make, the onus of NOT RAPING PEOPLE falls on a rapist", which is what this encounter, as told, would have been if not for LUCK THAT OP ENJOYED HERSELF. How do I know that? Because the Dom in question, did not ASK. DID NOT CLARIFY.

Quit trying to give some unknown person a pass on their shitty behavior over a real live human being who you're interacting with.





(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 391
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 5:55:40 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: magicmarionette
Quit trying to give some unknown person a pass on their shitty behavior over a real live human being who you're interacting with.

The only person I'm interacting with in this thread is you. I haven't posted on this thread before, because it seemed like such a clusterfuck. But I took a look an hour or so ago, and I saw your post, and another post on the same page accusing some posters of contributing to a rape culture. That sounded off base to me, so I decided to post too.

Please look at it this way. Your post to me just now, and the one before it, were written in a particular style. Imperious. You gave me orders, and gave orders to all posters. Does that style of conversation work well for you in real life? Do you enter into new places and tell people what to do? Or, perhaps, is it possible that your internet persona and your real life persona are not the same thing?

People aren't always the same online as they are in real life. In fact, I think it takes considerable self-discipline not to embellish stories about oneself online.

If you're concerned about this because you, or someone you love, had a nonconsensual sex/kink experience, and your concerns about it weren't taken seriously, I'm sorry for that, and I wish you the best.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to magicmarionette)
Profile   Post #: 392
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 6:23:46 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
Like RedMagic1, I hadn't posted on this thread (I don't think, it's been going a while), but your little rant gave me the need to.

It was not, let me repeat that just so we are clear, it was NOT rape. And yes, she certainly has responsibility for her own damn actions. This nonsense about a poor newbie is ridiculous. The person who wrote that is 50 years old now, who knows how old when this supposedly happened, but we know she was an adult, so this "newbie" shit doesn't fly.

As soon as he said, let's take a drive so we can have some privacy, the answer should have been no. When he told her to strip, the answer should have been no. And don't give me this bullshit that maybe she was paralyzed by fear so just did what he said either.

Honestly, what gives BDSM a bad name is people like you who see rape in every encounter, and the "victim" is never responsible. Well, guess what? Victims can, at times, bear some responsibility for what happened, and I for one am tired of hearing women say they were drunk, and didn't "know" what was happening, or they didn't know D/s didn't work that way. It's bullshit. If you are so drunk that you don't know what is happening to you, and no one force fed you the booze at gunpoint, well you have a drinking problem and the poor guy was probably as drunk as you. Your morning after regrets don't make it rape. And if you are so naive that you are unable to say no when your gut tells you something feels wrong, then you don't need a good dominant, you need a good therapist to discover why you are such a doormat.

So perhaps you should grow up and stop giving a pass to every foolish woman out there claiming to be a victim who didn't do anything wrong.

(in reply to magicmarionette)
Profile   Post #: 393
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 6:44:56 PM   
breagha


Posts: 380
Joined: 7/29/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Like RedMagic1, I hadn't posted on this thread (I don't think, it's been going a while), but your little rant gave me the need to.

It was not, let me repeat that just so we are clear, it was NOT rape. And yes, she certainly has responsibility for her own damn actions. This nonsense about a poor newbie is ridiculous. The person who wrote that is 50 years old now, who knows how old when this supposedly happened, but we know she was an adult, so this "newbie" shit doesn't fly.

As soon as he said, let's take a drive so we can have some privacy, the answer should have been no. When he told her to strip, the answer should have been no. And don't give me this bullshit that maybe she was paralyzed by fear so just did what he said either.

Honestly, what gives BDSM a bad name is people like you who see rape in every encounter, and the "victim" is never responsible. Well, guess what? Victims can, at times, bear some responsibility for what happened, and I for one am tired of hearing women say they were drunk, and didn't "know" what was happening, or they didn't know D/s didn't work that way. It's bullshit. If you are so drunk that you don't know what is happening to you, and no one force fed you the booze at gunpoint, well you have a drinking problem and the poor guy was probably as drunk as you. Your morning after regrets don't make it rape. And if you are so naive that you are unable to say no when your gut tells you something feels wrong, then you don't need a good dominant, you need a good therapist to discover why you are such a doormat.

So perhaps you should grow up and stop giving a pass to every foolish woman out there claiming to be a victim who didn't do anything wrong.



this. exactly. i just had this conversation with a friend

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 394
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 7:06:46 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
Newbies are not poor, little, innocent creatures. Most times they just decide to throw their brains out the window. That's their own fault, not mine. If you are 50 years old and you still don't know how to say no then yeah, you have issues that have nothing at all to do with bdsm or dating or "rape" or anything else except needing some therapy that will teach them boundaries and speaking up for themselves.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to breagha)
Profile   Post #: 395
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 7:23:26 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
If you are 50 years old and you still don't know how to say no

I don't think that's what happens. Rather, these women know how to say no in vanilla. Then they discover kink and they think it is sexy as hell to be unable to say no. The thought gets them soaking wet, and, of course, a lot of men do find that attractive. Eventually, though, fantasy collides with harsh reality, and the middle-aged kink virgin pays the price for her oh-so-arousing responsibility-avoidance.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 396
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 8:17:31 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
Like I said, they throw their brains out the window.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 397
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 9:14:34 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
Oh please, that is like saying, "but I thought he liked me, and since he said this is how it works, I thought I had to do what he said..." It's bullshit.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 398
RE: The worst Dom you've ever met - 2/10/2013 9:35:17 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Oh please, that is like saying, "but I thought he liked me, and since he said this is how it works, I thought I had to do what he said..." It's bullshit.

This is the same logic that gets 9 year olds pregnant...but he said he REALLY liked me!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 399
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