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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 7:24:10 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't care about how much money someone makes, I make my own money.

I only care about how much the man loves me, cares for me, is he a good person, etc.
If you are going to get hung up on stereotypical gender roles then you should not have started with him.

bingo

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 7:30:30 AM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Choline

I just know myself and if I spend 3 years having faith that he will change his situation and he doesn't? I'm a firey red-head and I will destroy the relationship... its kinda my MO. Except I'm not 22 any more, I don't have 3 years to waste.

You should show your guy this quote. Problem solved.

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Post #: 22

RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 7:41:23 AM

Baroana

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And one more thing...

I believe you indicated that you drive three hours to see him, but he does not go to you. He has no car, and I presume he cannot afford to take a taxi, bus, plane, or train.

He lives in a shared studio apartment, which means that the two of you go to... where? A hotel that you pay for?

Ergo, you are bearing the full financial weight of this relationship. It seems to me that unless he is a bum, he has plenty of current motivation to get off his butt and get some kind of higher paying job.

It is possible that a situation can happen where fast food is truly the best someone can do. I have worked in fast food before, and I would do it again if I had to. However, I haven't had to since I was 17. What's his excuse for not signing up with a temp agency and getting an office job that pays at least twice as much? Can he not work full time? Does he not read good?

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 7:51:46 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Choline

I didn't get to all the posts but I did want to answer a few of the questions posed:

He is in his late 20s and he does have ambition to go back to school to better his life.

He did not lose his licence due to DUI or anything wrong. He lives in a meto area and never renewed it when it expired. The problem with this is that I live about 3 hours away so I always have to drive to see him. He will be getting a larger apartment with his current roommates. I still don't like this idea. For the life style we live, privacy is important.

I guess what I'm thinking at this point is, that I'm willing to invest time into him since hes willing to improve his situation. I do like his style in the bedroom. We have similar beliefes and I enjoy spending time with him when we are in our roles and when we are vanilla.

I just know myself and if I spend 3 years having faith that he will change his situation and he doesn't? I'm a firey red-head and I will destroy the relationship... its kinda my MO. Except I'm not 22 any more, I don't have 3 years to waste.

The two bit I bolded......they jumped out at me. First you are saying you are willing to give him a chance but then you are already setting the relationship up to fail.

In all seriousness...you need to either be all in, prove you have faith in this fellow and MEAN IT down to your core....or fucking walk away.

If this guy really is determined to make himself a better life, having your doubt hanging over him will only cause trouble. He will know. It will undermine the relationship and sure as hell won't do him any favours in the long run.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 8:05:37 AM

aSilentNight

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't care about how much money someone makes, I make my own money.

I only care about how much the man loves me, cares for me, is he a good person, etc.

If you are going to get hung up on stereotypical gender roles then you should not have started with him.

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Post #: 25

RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 8:22:02 AM

sheisreeds

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I'm not in a D/s relationship, but this is extremely important. We have more of a switchy dynamic, and I am the breadwinner. My income is more, more consistent, and carries all of our benefits.

When I was dating I'd run into these guys working menial jobs, and I just couldn't fathom life with them because they didn't follow a dream. To me they just seemed stunted. There is a certain level of responsibility and growth involved even if it's not going to make you a lot of money.

My partner does not work in fast food, he has a fine arts degree, and follow his dream to become a body modification artist. He spent years working his shitty day job, while he apprenticed and worked up his customer base. He was responsibly following a dream, so it was worth me supporting him some. And really we're fairly close in what we bring in, however, I'm on salary, so I know what's coming in.

I question the compatibility here, if it works for you awesome, but his situation alone sounds immature. Versus you who is clearly on her own feet.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 8:42:48 AM

sheisreeds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Choline
He is in his late 20s and he does have ambition to go back to school to better his life.

Though why hasn't he done this yet?

There is difference between having desire and having ambition. If ambition were at play here this would be happening.

You have ambition, I am not certain he does.

quote:

He did not lose his licence due to DUI or anything wrong. He lives in a meto area and never renewed it when it expired.

So why isn't he working to get it back right now? Why wasn't it worth the $60 or so to renew it in the first place?

quote:

The problem with this is that I live about 3 hours away so I always have to drive to see him.

Um Greyhound? Seriously, I didn't have a car for years, I found ways to make it work. I could never let one person bear the burden for transport.

quote:

He will be getting a larger apartment with his current roommates. I still don't like this idea. For the life style we live, privacy is important.

I know this kinda person, and he will live w/ room mates for a long long time. One, he can't afford to live on his own. Two, he doesn't have the AMBITION to get a better paying job. Realistically he could take some free courses in Excel and Word and be able to get office work within months making more money. He's not doing this why? He's not uncomfortable with where he is at.

quote:

I guess what I'm thinking at this point is, that I'm willing to invest time into him since hes willing to improve his situation. I do like his style in the bedroom. We have similar beliefes and I enjoy spending time with him when we are in our roles and when we are vanilla.

Though you don't share similar levels of responsibility towards your futures. When I was dating there were lots of great lays, not a lot of people I could really share a life with. Took me a minute to realize how important that was. The fun isn't enough to build a life.

quote:

I just know myself and if I spend 3 years having faith that he will change his situation and he doesn't? I'm a firey red-head and I will destroy the relationship... its kinda my MO. Except I'm not 22 any more, I don't have 3 years to waste.

Has he made any movement towards this? Applied to Community College? Technical school?

Chances are this just isn't worth it. Based on what you're saying he has the idea of a dream, he isn't realizing it.

When it's right it's right. I was dating a few people when I met my partner, and he was set on his path and what he was doing, and so was I. It was magic. We also both had similar levels of relationship experience (also important), and along with similar interests and quite compatibly violent bedroom styles.

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You need a spankin' baby!

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Post #: 27

RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 8:53:33 AM

GreedyTop

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all I can say at this point is that I agree with every post on this page.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 9:00:09 AM

SpaceSpank

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Does he have a reason for being in his late 20's and not starting anything else yet?

By they time I was that age I'd finished school and already been through 2 jobs that could have been "career" positions already and was working on finding a more stable 3rd.

I was done with the whole minimum wage or barely above it food service industry by the time I was 21. I had to take a retail job when the economy soured and I needed money and I loathed every minute of it. That should be all the motivation he needs to get off his ass.

It sounds to me more like he's comfortable where he is, and his kinky piece of ass (no offense to you) is so far more than willing to make house calls and save him any effort at all.

This could be wrong, but there's nothing I see about your description of him that shows otherwise... moving into a bigger place... with the same group? No change there.

Change would be:
Applying actively for better paying jobs that could actually be a career.
Baring the above, working his ass off for a management position at his current location, or getting a job elsewhere where he can.
Going back to school.
Getting a car and renewing his license to ease your travel burden.
Looking for his own place where you two can have actual privacy.

Those are changes... real motivated people tend not to drift in college frat house mode till their late 20's... and from late 20's to 30's comes up REALLY fast.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 9:03:43 AM

Choline

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Thank you everyone for posting.

It has given me a lot to think about.

Obviously I will be bringing this up to him and your replies have helped me understand a bit more about what I want to say and how I want to say it.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 9:11:31 AM

GreedyTop

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpaceSpank

Does he have a reason for being in his late 20's and not starting anything else yet?

By they time I was that age I'd finished school and already been through 2 jobs that could have been "career" positions already and was working on finding a more stable 3rd.

I was done with the whole minimum wage or barely above it food service industry by the time I was 21. I had to take a retail job when the economy soured and I needed money and I loathed every minute of it. That should be all the motivation he needs to get off his ass.

It sounds to me more like he's comfortable where he is, and his kinky piece of ass (no offense to you) is so far more than willing to make house calls and save him any effort at all.

This could be wrong, but there's nothing I see about your description of him that shows otherwise... moving into a bigger place... with the same group? No change there.

Change would be:
Applying actively for better paying jobs that could actually be a career.
Baring the above, working his ass off for a management position at his current location, or getting a job elsewhere where he can.
Going back to school.
Getting a car and renewing his license to ease your travel burden.
Looking for his own place where you two can have actual privacy.

Those are changes... real motivated people tend not to drift in college frat house mode till their late 20's... and from late 20's to 30's comes up REALLY fast.

excellent post. although, to be fair, in this economy 20somethings (and even 30somethings) are fighting to keep on their feet much harder than the motivated peers even 10 yrs ago were...

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 9:20:56 AM

SpaceSpank

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It is tough to be sure. But I saw no mention of anything being done to further his situation. It appears he's just coasting through with his buds and living it up easy style.

Which is fine for some people, but for the OP's case... she's looking for someone that can match or exceed her career wise.... working in a fast food joint and sharing apartments with a bunch of buddies while you do nothing of merit doesn't line up with that.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 9:28:45 AM

GreedyTop

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granted. I agree. But something I have found on forums (regardless of where the forums are located) is that it is better to cover as many options/possibilities etc as you can before someone comes in roaring about "ZOMG!! (insert - kneejerk/haven't read the entire thread/only got keywords- types of responses here).

Somehow, I think you know what I mean ;) I'm sure you've seen it umpteen times as well...

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 10:31:05 AM

MercTech

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I would like to toss one question out for you Choline,

Is part of his appeal that he has such few demands on his time he can devote so much attention to you?

Not saying you are in the situation but I've seen relationships where the flattering attention that a person who is not functioning in mainstream society caused a very competent person to get saddled with a boat anchor of a partner that held them back for years.
If you want a potential partner to change, look for them working to change themselves and do not expect to be able to change them.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 10:37:18 AM

CeriseNin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't care about how much money someone makes, I make my own money.

I only care about how much the man loves me, cares for me, is he a good person, etc.

If you are going to get hung up on stereotypical gender roles then you should not have started with him.

This.

I would only care if he were sitting on his ass all day doing absolutely nothing to contribute.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 10:38:02 AM

Baroana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

I would like to toss one question out for you Choline,

Is part of his appeal that he has such few demands on his time he can devote so much attention to you?

Not saying you are in the situation but I've seen relationships where the flattering attention that a person who is not functioning in mainstream society caused a very competent person to get saddled with a boat anchor of a partner that held them back for years.
If you want a potential partner to change, look for them working to change themselves and do not expect to be able to change them.

Good point.

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Post #: 36

RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 1:01:33 PM

graceadieu

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Choline

I didn't get to all the posts but I did want to answer a few of the questions posed:

He is in his late 20s and he does have ambition to go back to school to better his life.

He did not lose his licence due to DUI or anything wrong. He lives in a meto area and never renewed it when it expired. The problem with this is that I live about 3 hours away so I always have to drive to see him. He will be getting a larger apartment with his current roommates. I still don't like this idea. For the life style we live, privacy is important.

I guess what I'm thinking at this point is, that I'm willing to invest time into him since hes willing to improve his situation. I do like his style in the bedroom. We have similar beliefes and I enjoy spending time with him when we are in our roles and when we are vanilla.

I just know myself and if I spend 3 years having faith that he will change his situation and he doesn't? I'm a firey red-head and I will destroy the relationship... its kinda my MO. Except I'm not 22 any more, I don't have 3 years to waste.

The money stuff wouldn't be so much of a concern for me, because things happen. I guess it would depend on the person.

But it definitely would be tough to be with someone who lives 3 hours away and can't come visit you or provide privacy when you go visit him. That seems like a pretty valid concern to me. Long distance relationships are hard, and that situation would only make it harder.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 1:08:51 PM

graceadieu

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

It is possible that a situation can happen where fast food is truly the best someone can do. I have worked in fast food before, and I would do it again if I had to. However, I haven't had to since I was 17. What's his excuse for not signing up with a temp agency and getting an office job that pays at least twice as much? Can he not work full time? Does he not read good?

Depends on where he lives, I guess. Where I live temp office jobs don't pay much more than minimum wage (from what I've heard, anyway), and also with the economy being what it is, if you don't have a college degree or a skilled trade you pretty much have to take what you can get. I've heard about people sending out 50 job applications and only getting 1 offer, and employers getting 200 resumes for one opening.

But he could still be taking some classes to learn how to, I dunno, be a pharmacy technician or a plumber or something so at least he has a better shot. Not sure where they're from, but in the US he'd be eligable for some need-based aid. Taking 1-2 classes a semester at community college while working full-time makes it take a long time, but not as long as doing nothing.

< Message edited by graceadieu -- 8/12/2012 1:09:53 PM >

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 4:35:04 PM

sheisreeds

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I just wanted to explain my venom.

I am from the same generation as the OP, and came across the same guys when I was dating. My generation is really sick.

So many people my age still live with their parents, or in situations like the OPs BF. My generation is the definition of Arrested Development. Were talking 40% of my generation still living with mom and dad: http://bit.ly/PPmHy9

It's really awful, I feel her pain.

My recommendation? Put signs of being a grownup first when screening potential partners, like by the middle of the first date. It's easier to cut the kiddies loose before there is any emotional attachment.

I also found dating a bit older helped some, I also found I ended up being about as mature, since I'm more independent than more than half of my generation.

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RE: how does one handle a situation: - 8/12/2012 4:39:18 PM

ARIES83

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

granted. I agree. But something I have found on forums (regardless of where the forums are located) is that it is better to cover as many options/possibilities etc as you can before someone comes in roaring about "ZOMG!! (insert - kneejerk/haven't read the entire thread/only got keywords- types of responses here).

Somehow, I think you know what I mean ;) I'm sure you've seen it umpteen times as well...

HAaaaaaaaaaaa!