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finding myself - 10/5/2012 10:33:16 PM

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Joined: 10/1/2012
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Hello my name is phil. I' trying to find a center of gravity between weather I'm a dom or sub. I don't mind being a switch but I want to know which one is more in power. I can be very shy however when I get comfortable with another person I feel the dom starting to arise. And it gets overwhelming and I fall back cause I get carried away. Back to a sub. However if I'm the one getting the punishment I get to a boiling point and I finght back cause my dom is coming out. I would like to see a master train me to see where I sit. If I'm a dom or a sub or I'm just a switch in general.

Can anyone give me advice or teach me?

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 10:39:28 PM

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Just find someone you like as a person. The rest will either flow naturally or not. Don't look for a sub or dom since you seem to have no idea and just look for a human who seems to trip your triggers.

_____________________________

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(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 10:43:11 PM

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Being shy is not the same as being submissive.
Being a bottom is not the same as being submissive.
A switch is usually someone who is Dom in certain situations and sub in others, not one that changes tract half-way through the conversation.

The obvious questions you need to answer for yourself are
What exactly is "Dominant" and "submissive" to you?
What makes you thin you are Dominant when you're in that role, and what makes you think you are submissive when you are in that role?
What exactly do you mean by "overwhelming"?
Why do you think you get angry or resentful when being punished?

(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 10:53:33 PM

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What do you mean by triggers

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 11:00:07 PM

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find someone that you like...you know, you both have lots in common <other than just sexual>, you both see things similarly, you both like each other....ya know...boy meets girl, boy flirts and seduces her, girl smiles, girl likes you, boy makes more conversation, boy drives girl home, gives her a kiss on her doorstep, both walk away with that giddy feeling.

PS: if not a girl then substitute another boy or whatever.

_____________________________

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(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 11:06:07 PM

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to me knowing what either or those terms mean I've been both dom and sub sexually. However never any further. But through that small experience to me a dom has almost all control. And sub has almost none. But then again I'm very unexperienced but this is why I wish to either have a master or a master willing to teach.

Overwhelming to me is when I feel powerful. And I can and will do anything I want. If it means hitting you beyond your limits or to cause large amounts of pain and discomfort I will. And I enjoy it. And it overwhelms me in a sence that I won't want to stop and I won't stop till my partner yells at me getting my full focus.

I don't know if its being resentful. But maybe its the idea of being controled or placed in someones own will. To not have control of myself. That I start to fight back.

(in reply to Alecta)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 11:09:48 PM

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Dude, therapy. Seriously. You just sound like an angry young dude who likes to take his aggressions out on others so then to cool down he wants someone else to push him down but then gets angry when they do that.

Therapy. Seriously.

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(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 11:10:17 PM

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Joined: 10/1/2012
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Thanks for the explanation. But how would I be able to explore if she/he is not into it?

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 11:23:29 PM

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You very well could be right so I won't dispute it. However, most spycologists would say any m and s behavior would be considered up for therapy anytime of the week. But I know my childhood. I know the life I lived. That is why I won't dispute it.

(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 11:38:03 PM

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From: The cold bit of the UK
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I'm a very forthright person, in a management position at work and I don't take crap from anyone.

But I'm also a slave because when I'm with Master that's the way my nature tells me to be.

But a word to the wise - if he started to beat me beyond my limits, he'd first of all have to pick his teeth out of his poop for the next month, and secondly he'd be doing that in a prison cell.

I can also assure you that your view of psychology seems to be quite a bit out of date. S&M is not an 'illness', any half-decent psychologist will be able to view it objectively and separate it from 'abuse', which is what you describe yourself doing.

I would hope that any demons in your past that push you to abuse your partner(s) in this way would be slain before you end up hurting someone really badly, and paying the price for that.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/5/2012 11:46:42 PM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon
Overwhelming to me is when I feel powerful. And I can and will do anything I want. If it means hitting you beyond your
limits or to cause large amounts of pain and discomfort I will. And I enjoy it. And it overwhelms me in a sence that I
won't want to stop and I won't stop till my partner yells at me getting my full focus.

This doesn't sound like domination to me, but more like abuse. A Dominant must first have control over himself,
before he can hope to have control over anyone else.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 12:00:44 AM

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First of all, BDSM is not an excuse for abuse. Always remember that.

You are correct in that the Dom has the control-- but with that control is responsibility and if you cannot shoulder the responsibility, you have no business holding the control. The first person the Dom is obligated and should learn to control is him/herself. It sounds like you have authority issues and you need to talk to someone professional about it This is not a BDSM trait and can be quite serious. There are kink-friendly therapists that you could seek out. Do you get "overwhelmed" in a non-erotic scenario of violence? Like when you get in a fight, do you keep going and lose yourself when you're winning? If so then BDSM has no bearing on this issue and you could skate by by not mentioning it.

Usually when a person calls themselves a submissive, they mean they prefer for someone else (usually a very specific type of someone in a specific setting) to take control and make their decisions for them. I don't think you sound like a submissive. I think it sounds like you've enjoyed some kinky sex on the receiving end but that's never enough to account for it. It also sounds like you enjoy setting people up to push your buttons until you explode on them. Not fair, not healthy.

I do not think you are Dom. I think you have control and authority issues that makes you want to be the toughest guy on the block, but that's not what a Dom is, in my books. I also think your inherent problems prevent you from engaging in the lifestyle in a healthy manner.

So seriously, deal with those demons before you get someone seriously hurt.

(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 12:13:28 AM

Posts: 3648
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Every time I feel like giving Dom advice I
keep having to remind myself on how little
BDSM scene experience I really have.
(none)
I am like a Dom in a bottle, but as such, I
do have a unique perspective, I had to
work out the lessons of this type of thing by
pure trial and error and until I'd come here
I didn't really know how I stacked up.

And that's the only thing I feel comfortable
in giving in way of advice.
The basis of everything I consider Dominant
in me is,
Self-reliance
Self-realisation
Self-actualisation
Self-control

The thing I'm trying to say is, you need to do
it by yourself, for yourself.

Good luck,
-Aries

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to poise)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 5:39:54 AM

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Joined: 10/1/2012
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Thank you all for your concern. However youj seem to have failed the grasp why I'm here. I wish to control. I wish to learn so that in the future I can. I both undertand the knowledge you are providing me and it is all excellent.and maybe I should have remarked that this isn't an everytime occurance. It doesn't even happen half the time. But it does happen. Though like I said I won't dispute any of your opinions cause overall you are right but that's the whole point of being here.

Is there a dom who knows what I'm going through? How did you master it?

I am willing to do anything to beat this thing. If it means a master punishing me this way so that I learn the lesson or just to practice. I just want to be a better partner for my partner. So please try to understand why I'm here while. And what I'm trying to do.

(in reply to ARIES83)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 5:57:38 AM

Kana

Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Hello my name is phil. I' trying to find a center of gravity between weather I'm a dom or sub. I don't mind being a switch but I want to know which one is more in power. I can be very shy however when I get comfortable with another person I feel the dom starting to arise. And it gets overwhelming and I fall back cause I get carried away. Back to a sub. However if I'm the one getting the punishment I get to a boiling point and I finght back cause my dom is coming out. I would like to see a master train me to see where I sit. If I'm a dom or a sub or I'm just a switch in general.

Can anyone give me advice or teach me?

Think less. Do more
And get out and meet a girl, fuck her, beat her, get beaten, let things evolve holistically, organically.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 5:59:31 AM

Posts: 59
Joined: 10/1/2012
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Here are my objectives for this thread. I thought I might add.

To find out if I'm a sub or dom.
If dom how to control that overwhelming desire.
To gain new insight about alifestyle I am interested in
If a sub or dom to gain knowledge to be better at it

(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 6:00:21 AM

Posts: 15659
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you were given excellent advice. It's just not what you want to hear.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Kana)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 6:17:03 AM

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Do you know anyone in your local area who is into any of this stuff? Your thread is probably not going to accomplish the goals you've set out for it - some of that might have to do with less-than-understandable typing - maybe you sound worse than you mean.

I think it would be better for you to talk to someone in person. One thing to note about the CM forums is sometimes you say the wrong thing and no one will let it go. And that's pretty easy to do in text when no one can see your facial expressions, body language, or hear your tone of voice.

I think a lot of people have actually felt that "overwhelming urge" and their journeys to self-control are all different. If you're looking for people to share their "how I got here" stories with you, that's totally cool. People here are generally pretty gracious and forthcoming with those. Several people have volleyed the "i want to do X but X may not be safe" ball back and forth, and sometimes it's just a matter of having the real life experience and growing up some, to learn how to control yourself.

If you can, go out into your local community, talk to people in person, and learn from others. Make some friends. Meet people you can relate to, listen to other people talk about their lives -- and take all of that home and spend some time figuring out how it applies to your life.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 8:11:11 AM

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BDSM is not a substitute for therapy.

As a Dom if you are unable to guarantee your ability to be in control every time and respond quickly and fitfully to the safeword every single time, you are a danger to yourself and your partners. As a sub, if you are unable to follow the rules and initiate safewords as necessary, you are a danger to yourself and your partners. This cannot be stated enough. The goal of therapy in this instance is to help you control your impulses.

PLEASE be up front to everyone you meet about your issues, we really don't need to read about you in the news.

Now, you can try other areas of BDSM that steer away from your known triggers (circumstances like you described that make you lose control or feel defiant). Start as a sub every time until you get comfortable with the activity, then try as a Dom UNDER SUPERVISION.

You can certainly continue to probe at the edges of your comfortability, under supervision. But don't sweep this under the carpet. You have problems like these, they need to be dealt with. It's a safety and courtesy thing.

(in reply to LtDrygon)

RE: finding myself - 10/6/2012 8:14:03 AM

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You're not there yet. You're thinking that D/s is an irresistible force meeting an immovable object, and seeing which one wins out. That'd be exhausting, to have to recalibrate the relationship hourly.

There's a lot more than punishment. There's respect, and setting rules, and enforcing them. Begin there.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

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