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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 9:28:17 AM   
FelineFae


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quote:

the act of altruism is very rare indeed


This.

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 9:45:12 AM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, how good your intentions, you still end up with a child, a human being, that isn't a very likable person.


I just want to say.. sometimes kids end up with a parent (or two) that are not very likeable also.. Think of an adult you dont like and imagine what it would be like to be that person's kid..

No one is perfect,.. while there are things I admired about my mother and liked, there were also aspects about her that I did not like at all..

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 10:07:10 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


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Motherhood is hard. If you are doing it alone or without much support, it's even harder. Although I didn't have a great deal of emotional or physical support when raising my two, I was very fortunate to have financial support. Which means I got to stay home and be a full time mom the way I wanted.

There were ups and downs to that. On the one hand, I seriously got in touch with my feminine side and became a far better person for it. My kids taught me how to stop and smell the flowers in so many ways.

But there were times when I did feel seriously isolated; when I just wanted/needed an adult to talk to.

You know, there are great rewards to being a parent, from seeing them take their first baby steps to seeing them as an adult capable of taking care of themselves. It (to me) offsets the rough times (whenever your kid is sick with anything) and the challenges (my son is LD, my daughter somewhat bi-polar).

So no, I don't consider child rearing an act of masochism. Now childbirth?

That be a whole other story.



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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 11:27:25 AM   
MariaB


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Status: offline 		Childbirth is an interesting one to be sure!
I remember those little butterflies of my first signs of labor and thinking 'wow this is exciting'. What came after that was pain like I have never felt before and when it comes to pushing, well guys, imagine pushing a rugby ball out of your ass and you would be somewhere near to what us women endure during child birth!
The thing is though, as that tiny new being comes into the world and as that huge surge of love overwhelms us, we instantly forget about the pain. In fact a lot of us are more than happy to do it all over again.
Its not masochistic though. We don't get pregnant because the labor is pleasant. We continue with a pregnancy and endure labor because there is life at the end of it.

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 11:33:18 AM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, how good your intentions, you still end up with a child, a human being, that isn't a very likable person.


I just want to say.. sometimes kids end up with a parent (or two) that are not very likeable also.. Think of an adult you dont like and imagine what it would be like to be that person's kid..

No one is perfect,.. while there are things I admired about my mother and liked, there were also aspects about her that I did not like at all..


True, but there are also a large number of people I do not like, that seem to be quite good parents. Whether or not I like them has very little to do with their parenting.

My son's ex is a prime example.

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 11:51:48 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


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Status: offline 		This thread has stirred up a lot of feelings for me.

I wouldn't say it's masochistic. I'm relatively new to parenthood but I would say the crap parts are crap, and if I could have my baby without the sleepless nights, the feeding problems, the worrying about growth, the teething, the whinging.... well, that would be great. I find it hard to believe anyone who enjoys those parts. But the good parts are so so good. This week my ten-month-old started walking. She's so proud of herself! It's amazing watching her figure things out. It's amazing seeing this personality emerge from this tiny person. She's fearless. She's noisy and busy and always in a rush - so different from her bookish parents. She has developed her own taste in food and toys and characters. It's just breathtaking to watch her brain make new connections - it sounds so cheesy but it really makes you think what miraculous creatures we human beings are. Yesterday she spent half an hour taking a lid off a bucket of blocks and putting it back on. She had never tried to reassemble something before, and she spent ages trying to line it up just right. Such a small thing but so incredible as a parent to watch her make that mental leap and realise she can create as well as destroy.

But it's hard. I knew in theory that having a baby was hard. But I always assumed I would be good at it. I knew I would be tired and there would be worries along the way. But I always thought I had the right temperament, and it's been a harsh lesson for me. It didn't come naturally at all. It took me time to bond with her and I was filled with guilt for that. We had feeding and sleeping problems and up until two months ago I was living on three broken hours of sleep a night. It sucked. No masochistic pleasure. Just that overall, on balance, the great stuff outweighs the crap. When you go sledging and have to trudge up the hill with snow in your boots and sore hands from the cold, it's worth it for the rush of sledging back down. But it's not masochism, because the pain is just something you have to accept to get the good bits.

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 11:54:38 AM   
LaTigresse


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Status: offline 		That is a rocking post Athena.

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 11:56:45 AM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, how good your intentions, you still end up with a child, a human being, that isn't a very likable person.


I just want to say.. sometimes kids end up with a parent (or two) that are not very likeable also.. Think of an adult you dont like and imagine what it would be like to be that person's kid..

No one is perfect,.. while there are things I admired about my mother and liked, there were also aspects about her that I did not like at all..


True, but there are also a large number of people I do not like, that seem to be quite good parents. Whether or not I like them has very little to do with their parenting.

My son's ex is a prime example.

Yes, I know.. but it can be harder on the kids cuz their morals, feeling of self-worth, goals, habits, life view, etc are under development when young.. my mother is dead but I am being forced to deal with the unlikeable aspects of her and quite frankly,.. that is not how I wanted to remember her.. Of course there are much worse things for a parent to be, alcoholic, abusive, addicted, (do I include Republican here? ), etc.. and while some kids from those situations turn out well, getting there imo would have left the kids with deep scars..

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 12:03:34 PM   
LaTigresse


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Status: offline 		TJ, both of my parents are deeply faulty human beings. I've watched each and every one of my siblings go through that 'realization'. Some after being angry with me for years, because of my lack of close relationship and empathy, for one or both parents suffering. Each of us 6 siblings had to discover our parents faults in our own time and our own way. For some it was a lot more painful, more damaging, than others. After seeing what my parents' actions have done to some of my siblings, the scars and even still, open wounds, left........I feel that sadly, I was the lucky one. I got them when they were both still making an effort, my early childhood was pretty decent..........then it all fell apart. I saw the reality very early on, in my late teens, and got rid of any expectations I might have had for either parent. Some were not as lucky. Some were badly damaged by things that should have never happened.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 12/13/2012 12:04:25 PM >

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 12:20:55 PM   
tj444


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Status: offline 		Then I would say you turned out well (& became a better parent yourself) despite your parents, and not because of them.. The child of an alcoholic will (imo) either become an alcoholic also or become a teetotaler.. the one that becomes a teetotaler doesnt reject alcohol cuz of good parenting, they see the damage done and want a better life & decide to follow a different path.. jmo..

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 12:26:17 PM   
wittynamehere


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Status: offline 		Wow, this thread hasn't been pulled? Children being sexualized, not cool. (If you don't consider S&M sexual, please read any definition of the term.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis
Is child rearing an act of masochism?

Sadly, for too many people, it's an act of sadism.

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 12:26:52 PM   
LaTigresse


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Status: offline 		I don't think.......well.........just because I see myself as a work in progress with a lot of work left to do.

As the daughter of an alcoholic, only one of the six siblings is a teetotaler, because of her religious beliefs. One sibling is an alcoholic. The rest of us are somewhere on a sliding scale in the middle.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 12:41:42 PM   
calamitysandra


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Status: offline 		While parenthood has come with some deeply painful experiences, no it is not an act of masochism to me.

It was not a role that was trust upon me, I consciously choose to be a parent, my pregnancies where planned, my kids awaited with much more giddy anticipation than trepidation. And even if life never turns out like it does in hopeful fantasies, I enjoy being a mother, raising my boys, seeing them slowly grow into the men they are going to be.

Of course there are days (or weeks, and sometimes months) when I feel the demands, the noise, the catastrophes, and the general chaos, and yes, the pain and the heartbreak are going to eat me alive.
Then there are those moments of unimaginable joy, of pleasure, and triumph. I know nothing that comes even close.
But mostly there is the day to day reality of a life with three boys. Two under 10 and one just about to officially reach teenagehood.
And I do enjoy that life. I enjoy the role I play in it. I enjoy the little ups and downs, the quiet moments and the raucous ones.
I might not enjoy all the challenges, but I certainly grow with them.

And in the end? It is more than worth it, and there is nothing I would rather do.

< Message edited by calamitysandra -- 12/13/2012 12:43:30 PM >

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 12:46:49 PM   
tj444


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Status: offline 		We are all a work in progress, I think..

My ex was a weekend bing drinker, his father was an alcoholic but he denied being one himself.. I would say he is even tho he didnt drink during the week, just on the weekends.. Imo, people that are kids of alcoholics or addicts have inherited that (thru no fault of their own) in their genes.. just as I have my mothers fine hair.. I think its not good to try to be in the middle when it comes to alcohol, stradling that line.. the possibility of hitting a bad emotional patch and starting to drink too much and becoming an alcoholic would be too great for me (if I was the child of an alcoholic).. my ex tried to do that, it was one of the reasons I finally left him.. I could not watch him sinking into that..

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 1:15:13 PM   
tj444


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Status: offline 		there are 2 definitions... one is sexual and one isnt.. I did not take the thread as children being sexualized , I took it as the act of being a parent is an act of suffering, just like a nun that vows herself to a life of suffering thru poverty, celebacy and kneeling on hard surfaces in her dedication to God..

1: a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation especially by a love object — compare sadism
2: pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/masochism
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

Wow, this thread hasn't been pulled? Children being sexualized, not cool. (If you don't consider S&M sexual, please read any definition of the term.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis
Is child rearing an act of masochism?

Sadly, for too many people, it's an act of sadism.



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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 2:38:43 PM   
cordeliasub


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Status: offline 		Mine are both teenagers right now....so while I wouldn't say I'm a masochist there are days I would like to have Calgon take me far away lol.

In all honesty I was one of those sugary irritating women who could not WAIT to be pregnant and have kids. Maybe it is because I am adopted and so carrying a child was kind of "elevated" in my mind, but I loved being pregnant, loved feeling them move around in there...even loved having them, despite the pain. Yeah - go ahead and throw an anvil at my head. :)

That being said, there were things I did not enjoy that I am soooooo glad are over, like waking up 3 or 4 times a night with 2 kids under 2, like cleaning my daughter's protest poop art off the wall, thee toys, and her when she felt little brother was getting too much attention.....and then of course puberty. Regarding the person's comment about people saying "enjoy it because they grow up so fast," I remember hearing people say that and wanting to respond "they really DO grow out of this??? Thank GOD!!" But now when I see a toddler reaching for that candy Mom already said three times he cannot have....I feel a bit of nostalgia......

< Message edited by cordeliasub -- 12/13/2012 2:39:56 PM >

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 2:54:54 PM   
wayward0sub


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Status: offline 		While I do not think that child-rearing is masochism, I would argue that discussing it is not sexualizing children...dictionaries may vary somewhat in their definitions, but they usually include a definition that does not reference eroticism or sexuality.

Everyday people make jokes like 'I must be a masochist' when acknowledging some sort of suffering that they have taken upon themselves, such as extra hours at work, additional projects, especially grueling tasks, etc. It is commonly accepted that the word can be used outside of a sexual context.

Wayward

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 3:56:26 PM   
Inghammar


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Status: offline 		I think it seems more 'Fin Dom' than masochism.

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 7:14:03 PM   
DesFIP


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Status: offline 		The pleasure comes sometimes in the moment but very often it comes when you see after a week of strife that the child has finally grasped it due to your patience.

It's not like eating ice cream. It's like anything else that takes work and yields something good at the end.

The stepson rebuilds cars. He doesn't enjoy swapping engines or changing drive shafts, but after finishing it all and having an awesome vehicle, he has a great sense of pleasure and happiness and accomplishment.

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RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? - 12/13/2012 7:40:44 PM   
littlewonder


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Status: offline 		Last year I took a 9 day foreign vacation with my daughter. After I got back I told Master that it is something I would never ever do again! LOL. After about the fourth day we were ready to kill each other. UGH.

Childbirth was awful. a day of false labor, in labor for 12 hours and the worst pain ever! Oh and 3 months of morning sickness.

But there are moments when she makes me smile such as when she became independent because I wasn't so sure she would be able to and times when she calls and asks if I need help with something or does something for me. Yeah, I know she does it out of obligation and her way of saying she loves me since she will never speak those words, but at least she's not angry at me or still holding a grudge against me for stuff she used to in the past. It tells me she's finally maturing.



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