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RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/25/2006 2:37:45 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Lila, if the guy's wife doesn't know about you and  him fucking, and isn't okay with it, then yeah, it's fucked up.

(in reply to BittersweetLila)
Profile   Post #: 401
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/25/2006 5:46:23 AM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline 		Hello all,I feel I need to put my own thoughts in here,as this is something that has been bugging me for a while.I too was in a marriage of ten years,which was fairly sexless,she wanted it,I felt pressured to have it and was continualy compared to her ex boyfriends which is something I really did not need to know.I married her an older woman of twelve years,and took on her derranged family,sorted them out and provided a secure home.Before I really knew anything about BDSM,I was i suppose acting in a submissive manner,being the provder and fixer of everything,I was always there for everyone.But ignored my own needs to the point where when I did bring them up,I was labelled 'sick' by my wife,she having a real hatred for 'perverts',she equated a previous violent marriage partner with BDSM.I believing I was sick sought a counsellor,only to be told BDSM is not sick,a form of creative expression,I being a creative person.The problem I think is I much prefer the creative expression,prolonged foreplay,that is my thing,the end result,relief but not as good as getting there.A further kick was when I wanted to start my own family,finding out I was infertile and so with my lack of interest in sex,I felt worthless and on many occaisions contemplated suicide.I loved my wife,and would do anything for her,but I had a lack of interest in the sex that she wanted and she mine.I think she had an affair,and strangely I am ok with that,as all I wanted was for her to be happy,something I felt I could not provide fully.I have considered the asexual problem,but that only depresses.I think there is a problem in society,where we,us males are expected to be studs in the bedroom,and be interested in sex all the time,for me this is not so and sometimes I feel useless because of this stereotype.The OPs original post,I can possibly understand he might be uncomfortable with sex,much as I have been


(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 402
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/25/2006 6:05:28 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin
The OPs original post,I can possibly understand he might be uncomfortable with sex,much as I have been


The new information that has come out on the "other" thread is that he's cheating on her and she's cheating on him....so they are all really having sex....just not with each other. I'm sure that someone may benefit from your post though.....just not the OP.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 403
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/25/2006 6:07:27 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Lila, if the guy's wife doesn't know about you and  him fucking, and isn't okay with it, then yeah, it's fucked up.


Her partner doesn't know about it either, and probably would not be ok with it, I'm gathering from her post.

So, yeah...it is fucked up.  Been there, done that.  I can say without a doubt that it is NOT a solution to anything.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 404
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/25/2006 6:23:58 AM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline 		So I can see,unfortunately I thought about and wrote this long before that came out.This thread was moving fast.In which case they agree or part as I see it.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 405
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/25/2006 10:55:52 PM   
BittersweetLila


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/30/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah, you're right.  It's really not a solution.  But it's worked okay for four years and I've been extremely happy.  Don't know what the future will bring.  Any way I look at it, change will be painful, and, selfish as I am, I'm not ready to rock my world into the painful zone at the moment.  I can only imagine how much disapproval will be mine if/when my family, friends, children, and others find out the double life I lead.  Most likely I'll end up poor and alone.  But, for now, I have too many other things in life to worry about so I keep on living a double life, keeping partner at home happy, kids well, and my own self happy and sane.

On the subject of people who have an aversion to physical sex, has anyone tried or known people who seriously study meditation and yoga as their spiritual path?  I have some experience in this, and for many months actually stopped fucking my man, to deepen the spiritual/erotic experiences I was starting to have during meditation. 
My meditation Teacher taught that by not having sex (being celeibate) one could take that energy and re-purpose it to a higher sort of ecstasy.  I would have thought this was craziness, but actually was experiencing orgasmic experiences in meditation with him for a time.  I think our souls/bodies are built to have orgasmic climatic experiences in more ways than just physical rubbing/fucking/sucking/moaning/phyiscal hurting-pleasure types of ways.  I think it has something to do with joining the energy of your soul to another. Masterbation is a nice relaxing thing, but it doesn't give you the Big O that you can get in ecstactic union with an Other, as in sex with a person you love, or mediation/union with the Divine.  My experiences with my meditation Teacher opened a whole new doorway for me, but in the end the pull of the actual man-woman physical sex thing was too great. As soon as I stopped being celeibate, the non-touching orgasmic reponse during meditation stopped happening for me.  So, I think the Teacher was right and I guess that's way nuns and monks have a long tradition of celeibacy.   Which is just to say, asexual people may prefer using this gift of energy in another arena, not the physical body (some think of it as animal) relationship of sex, plain or perverted.

As for my life-partner, I am not sure why she is asexual, as she has no interest in union with the Divine or anyone else.  But she is a real sweetheart, and I'm now feeling guilty, so I'm logging up this computer and going to go to bed.  I'll give her a backrub.  She might not be interested in sex, but she has no problem with me giving her back rubs at night.

Lila

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 406
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/26/2006 4:09:57 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		My father wasted much of my mother's life through his infidelity while compromising his own because he couldn't fully embrace the relationship he had and still has with the other woman. He used the excuse of not rocking the boat, however, all the children knew about it but said nothing because we didn't want our home to fall apart. He was a moral coward and there is no other way to put it, which hurts because in many other ways he is a decent man but I would respect him more if he had been honest with my mother instead of using hurting her and not wanting to break up the home as an excuse. The really painful thing is that my mother really loved him and still does, she won't hear a word against him although they have now been separated for some time now.

The only good thing that came out of his dishonesty was the ability of his children to look people in eye and be honest, no matter how uncomfortable it might be at the time. Not a ver edifying legacy.

(in reply to BittersweetLila)
Profile   Post #: 407
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/26/2006 4:29:38 AM   
incognitobynight


Posts: 61
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

Call me a fool, but I still (even after the hundreds of misrepresented threads, ulterior motives, and witch hunts), tend to take an OP at face value. Maybe the OP of this thread didn't really have a "friend" in the situation stated. Someone out there might still have a scenario that fits the "friend's" predicament, and possibly benefit from information given.

It's all about responding to the post instead of the poster.


I agree with you Proprietrix that we should focus on and respond to the post.  None of us have any real knowledge of most of the posters on here, their motivations for posting what they post, or all the details of the posts that are here, even though many of the respondents routinely state that the ulterior motive of the poster is to get sympathy, to be coddled, to get the blessings of the Gods of collarme, to "out" someone they are having a problem with, etc.  How can any of us really know what the motivations are behind any post.  We may be suspicious, but if you truly want to remain unbiased, then those suspicions are just that SUSPICIONS, not fact, no matter how it looks.  Therefore, IMHO, I think to spare us all the sensation that we have been used or imposed upon, responding only to the words stated in the post does not place unncessary responsibility on the poster nor unnecessary emotional  investment on the part of the respondents. 


(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 408
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/26/2006 4:38:12 AM   
incognitobynight


Posts: 61
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		Wow, I gotta tell ya. I know this thread was started by IrishbyNature, but I have gotten so much out of this thread!  The most valuable things to me have been from the people who are in the same situation as  I am (wanting intimacy but not getting it from their partners) and from the asexual people.  This has been very, very interesting and educational for me.  I am tempted to print this entire thread out and keep it. 

< Message edited by incognitobynight -- 6/26/2006 4:39:08 AM >

(in reply to incognitobynight)
Profile   Post #: 409
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/26/2006 5:11:44 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

My father wasted much of my mother's life through his infidelity while compromising his own because he couldn't fully embrace the relationship he had and still has with the other woman. He used the excuse of not rocking the boat, however, all the children knew about it but said nothing because we didn't want our home to fall apart. He was a moral coward and there is no other way to put it, which hurts because in many other ways he is a decent man but I would respect him more if he had been honest with my mother instead of using hurting her and not wanting to break up the home as an excuse. The really painful thing is that my mother really loved him and still does, she won't hear a word against him although they have now been separated for some time now.

The only good thing that came out of his dishonesty was the ability of his children to look people in eye and be honest, no matter how uncomfortable it might be at the time. Not a ver edifying legacy.


My father disappears every weekend,  and has done for many years, my parents have been together for 50 yrs.........no-one knows where he goes, for SURE.

Sometimes we laughingly discuss whether he has a *fancy woman* somewhere.....and in all honestly it doesn't matter to Mum. She is happy as long as her needs are met, she has a full life of her own AND one with him.. They share what suits them to share and don't have to share every moment, every aspect with each other. There's no doubt that they love each other in a way that has facilitated them to be together for so many years.

Mum has time to herself every weekend, Dad does *his thing* ......it hasn't had a negative effect on anyone because it suits them this way.

agirl









(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 410
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/26/2006 6:01:38 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
The new information that has come out on the "other" thread is that he's cheating on her and she's cheating on him....so they are all really having sex....just not with each other. I'm sure that someone may benefit from your post though.....just not the OP.

The cool thing for me is that, at page 21, after post #400 and all this revelation, I think my original reply #1 on page #1 remains perfectly valid and I wouldn't change a word of it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 411
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/26/2006 8:34:59 PM   
reticence


Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline 		I just wanted to pop into this thread and thank you all.  The truths spoken here about taking personal responsibility for your own happiness, the truth that when two people are in a relationship, both have a part in making it a sound, working relationship, are all important truths. 

I have read this whole thread and many things have hit home for me.  My situation is not anything like that of the women in this thread, but much of the advice resonated for me and I so needed to hear it.  

I think I have learned something else during this thread.  Even if it appears that the OP is not listening to you, someone out there might need to hear the things you are saying, it is not for naught.  If you feel you have something to say, even if it appears to be falling upon deaf ears, there might be eager ears listening, albeit silently.  Thank you again.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 412
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/27/2006 4:34:44 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

If someone comes into your life and they want to share those things with you, and you agree, then by all means, go at it together.
SEX is not a human need. It is a desire. A very, very strong desire. A desire that can hamper judgment or cause us to be edgy and cranky at times, but still, nothing more than a desire. No one has ever died from lack of intercourse. Coroners don’t write "Cause of Death: Sex Deprivation."

If the burning desire is so strong that it is being to affect other aspects of life, go masturbate.
But to shirk off responsibility of your own horniness to the extent that you are labeling people as bad spouses, lying to people, calling yourself a victim, etc.. all that shows is a lack in maturity and a lack of responsibility over one’s own body urges. When you make your orgasms the responsibility of other people, be it a spouse or not, who have not explicitly agreed to take the responsibilities of your orgasms, you are being very presumptuous.
When you say "I can’t have a relationship without sex." you mean more than that. What do you really mean?
.


Respectfully disagree, human beings often will risk their very life to get phucked. They risked stoning in bible times, they risked the scarlet letter, they risk AIDS today... for what? To get phucked. People with good sex lives live longer, are happier, experience less stress, and have less depression... why? Because sex is a human need for many people... Just like getting a hug, cuddling, or getting a kiss on the cheek are needs for you. People need other people, without human contact most of us would go nuts. Babies die in nursies if not given affection... they literally DIE. Now not all people need sex, but many of us do... How else does the species reproduce itself?

We can live without good food or water and in pollution for a period of time. We will not be living at our optimum without having our needs met for these things, but we will live for a long time if we do not eat quite enough or drink quite enough. Same goes with sex, we can live without it for a period of time but for many of us we do not live at our peak of health without it. Sex is good for us, the more they find out about how good sex affects human beings  the more the medical community encourages us to have good sex. Being asexual may work for you, but that does not mean many of us (most of us) need to get phucked sometimes by someone that loves us preferably, or that someone that expects their mate to go without their needs met is somehow not harming that mate on a brain chemistry level... in my opinion they are.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 413
RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 7/19/2006 7:44:37 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Brosco

Great replies - Its his fault, her fault ... sheezzzz  .. ya have to wonder about the age and maturity behind some of these responses.

It is very simple.  Relationships work when both put in an effort.  It is never the fairy tale of "they lived happily ever after" unless both work on it.  Sex life is the first to suffer when the effort is no longer being made.

Of course, one partner sees this before the other, its rarely a simultaneous insight.  The one that does see it needs to go back and find the communication skills they had when it was working.  The alternative is to go to a counsellor and then feel 'happy' that they did everything possible and it still didn't work.  Its a great way to give justification for giving up.

Brosco


(Partially) well said.

There's an old saying; "There's always three sides to every story...his, hers and the truth".

(And every divorce attorney knows it)


(in reply to Brosco)
Profile   Post #: 414
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