quote:

assuming that findom(me)s are whores.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AllisonWilder

If you have this much trouble understanding Daddy Doms, then a Daddy Dom is not what you need. In your eyes, there's some link between Daddy Doms and pedophilia and you will never get over that, the past 12 pages have proven it.

Well, this is no great mystery. In R/L, I just lived with a "Daddy Dom" who is a pedophile. And, again... my questions involved only the ones who engage in incest/molestation play. I didn't lump those people under the same title of "Daddy Dom," the community does that. At no point did I say, or think, that Daddy Doms are pedophiles. I asked... not said, if beyond the things I saw in common, were there other things in common or were there differences. Telling me that there is no shared psychology echoes the views of SOME posters here, but not all.

Furthermore, saying that I will never... anything, is above your pay grade, as they say. To anyone reading, this poster and I have never talked, met, Cmailed, nothing. Consider the source.

Do yourself a favor and focus entirely on finding a person that you are compatible with rather than worrying about the title of a particular group of people that you may or may not want to be in.

If you'd read the thread, you would have seen that I said I am taking 6 months, at least, to be more active in my local BDSM community, and making more lifestyle friends. I just had a traumatic end to a disturbing relationship. Why would I search for a partner now? Time out. I'm trying to sort out what I did wrong, why I didn't know sooner, and how I can avoid repeating that mistake. No, I can't agree that your idea of getting into another relationship before I sort it out is a good idea for anyone!

As far as what to call the specific group of people you're talking about, you'll never please everyone. Basically what you're asking is how do I define someone who calls himself a Daddy Dom but is also a pedophile. That particular person is not an edge-player and that person is not a Daddy Dom. That person is a pedophile, plain and simple. Please stop associating Daddy Dom in any way, shape or form to pedophiles. It's very, very offensive, even after you've 'changed' your questions.

What would happen if... you considered the idea that I am not saying anything is wrong with Daddy Doms? You might not feel so offended then.

One last time. Daddy Doms, as a whole, are NOT pedophiles. Could there be a few lurking in the midst? Yes, just the same as with any other fetish, any other kink, any other organization anywhere in the world.

You're "preaching to the choir."

An example: There's a registered sex offender working at the local supermarket down the street as a cashier. This fellow is a pedophile. The leap you are making in your DD to pedophile analogies is like me now saying that because said person working at the local supermarket down the street as a cashier is a pedophile, then ALL supermarket cashiers are pedophiles.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

I’m feeling paralyzed by fear. I don’t even know where to turn for answers. I am hoping that TOS guidelines won’t interfere with a rational and informative discussion of this topic. I simply seek clarity.

My questions pertain to sexual age play between the edge players in DD/lg relationships - NOT about non-sexual age play in the more commonly practiced version of DD/lg relationships. This is soooo taboo, I fear any vanilla searches may come up with some path towards kiddie porn results - not something I want on my computer's history. (nor do I want to see it)

Another concern is that having this conversation in person, one on one, leaves me open to some potentially creepy responses. Plus, even posting this here, I know that there are some who will never forget that I am the one who asked. I don't like the association, but if that's what it takes...

These are my questions:

Question 1

Is a Daddy Dom a pedophile psychologically, but he behaves physically/sexually only with adults?

As is true in the BDSM community and its rainbow of fetishes, there are some fetishes which are considered, "edge play." In terms of DD/lg relationships, there are some who are edge players - which means they act out incest or pedophilia scenarios. These people are not pedophiles or molesters (although as is true of any group, some may be criminals - but that's not the kink). Even within the DD/lg, edge player group, many consider those who actually have fantasies about real minors as sick.

So, even after specifying that the question pertains to sexual age-playing Daddy Doms only, the answer is still, "No, they are not psychologically the same as pedophiles."

I believe people are sexually unique for three reasons:
1) Born that way
2) An early event linked sexuality and (fill in the blank/fetish)
3) Choice.

Question 2

So, if a guy is sexually aroused and attracted to all things youthful and he acts on it, it’s a crime and a horror. But, if that same guy channels those feelings into mutually consensual behavior with another adult, or adults, then I think we’d all want to support that “use” of those feelings, right?

"All things youthful" was my way of saying, "underage." I didn't think we could say that directly here (TOS). So, that was unclear.

The question of whether an edge player (again, as it pertains to DD/lg, sexual play and not to DD's in general), who uses the kink as an outlet for fantasies about real kids, is a good way to deal with the feelings/urges, has been met with a resounding, "NO!" The littles here have said they would run like hell at any hint of this.

I'm still not so sure about that. Is this a matter of my kink may not be your kink? If two people's needs and desires match, and they are consenting adults... where is the harm?

Well, and this is why I am not sure... perhaps the people who match in this very specific and limited respect, only match because one, or both of them, are unhealthy people with unresolved issues?

Question 3

This one has been answered. Again, with a, "No." (and that's allowing for the specifying which type of DD - a sexual age-player, edge player, only and not DD's in general.)
Daddy Doms and pedophiles “groom” the focus of their attention, using praise, gifts and a sense of dependence. But do they share these other qualities as well:

This is a list of known pedophile traits/ red flags...

-a self-image as being younger than they really are?

-inability to maintain peer relationships?

-a need for isolation, control and secrecy?

-shame, self-loathing, but with a charming façade?

- (fill in the blank with your own observations)?

Question 4

To anyone who has seen the film, “The Woodsman,” which shows how a woman accepts a pedophile’s need to express his sexuality in specific ways with her, do you agree that the Daddy Dom relationship is much like this?

Again, the general, DD label has to be revised to specify, "sexual age-player/edge player, type of Daddy Dom." No one seems to have seen the film, so this question can just die its natural death! It would likely be another, "No" response, I suspect.

Question 5

As a submissive who is also a parent, how do you handle both your own emotions, and your responsibility to protect, knowing the Daddy Dom’s preference for youth?

I think enough people said that all Daddy Doms do not have a preference for youth, so that makes the question invalid.

Question 6

As an aging human, how does it feel to be with a guy who is attracted to a look – an illusion – that will become more difficult to create with each passing day? I’m assuming that this feels good, or at least okay, but I wonder how that is achieved.

Again, this question is based on a misconception that all Daddy Doms are attracted to a youthful appearance. Enough posters have been clear that it's not about the looks to make this another irrelevant question.

Question 7

To Daddy Doms & those they partner with & with everyone in our community…

What is being done already to protect innocents from harm? (This is at the core of what frightens me… is there a difference, if so, how can we tell?)

Someone posted that EDUCATION is the way to protection. That answer makes complete sense to me.

I sincerely hope we can skip the defense of the kink… THAT is not the issue, and there is an abundance of that point of view already. Could we focus on this other concern, please?

And that ^^ is where my vocabulary failed me. I called a DD/lg relationship a kink... although that seems to vary in terms of being considered accurate, or not. I also was unable to clarify that I was referring to the DD/lg edge players - those who engage in sexual age play, only, and not asking anyone to define the more mainstream understanding of what DD/lg relationships are. In other words, no need to defend it... that's not what I am talking about.

Thank you, Everyone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne


Well, this is no great mystery. In R/L, I just lived with a "Daddy Dom" who is a pedophile. And, again... my questions involved only the ones who engage in incest/molestation play.I didn't lump those people under the same title of "Daddy Dom," the community does that. At no point did I say, or think, that Daddy Doms are pedophiles.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AllisonWilder

Open your eyes, lady. I didn't say 'go get in a relationship', I said focus on finding someone compatible rather than finding answers about a group of people that you don't belong in.


I see that no matter what anyone posts, you're just going to pick it apart and 'consider the source' so I'll bow out of this thread. It's gone on far too long already.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

All of them. You need to throw out all these ideas and walk away from this idea that somehow an attraction to a child-like persona somehow equates to the same mentality of a pedophile. I would ask you this, does a person who loves the color orange, automatically likes to eat, oranges?

I don't think so. I'd have to ask more... as I am doing here with this topic.

Does a person who likes to act like a cat, automatically like any and all felines?

I don't think so. I'd have to ask more... as I am doing here with this topic.

You see, you cannot make these correlations without more information

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

If anyone wants to know if they belong in a group, Allison Wilder deems herself competent to judge that for you. Don't worry if she doesn't know you... that's no impediment for her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AllisonWilder

Open your eyes, lady. I didn't say 'go get in a relationship', I said focus on finding someone compatible rather than finding answers about a group of people that you don't belong in.


I see that no matter what anyone posts, you're just going to pick it apart and 'consider the source' so I'll bow out of this thread. It's gone on far too long already.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

If you are just coming to the thread now, the OP questions were revised, and answered. What follows is my own set of answers based on the overall feedback offered in the thread.

Thank you again, Everyone.
ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

With the addition of the perspectives described in the article in my last post, plus the perspectives of the posters here, I'm going to attempt to "fix" my OP to better reflect my questions here. Having said that, it really would help if the article was read first.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

I’m feeling paralyzed by fear. I don’t even know where to turn for answers. I am hoping that TOS guidelines won’t interfere with a rational and informative discussion of this topic. I simply seek clarity.

My questions pertain to sexual age play between the edge players in DD/lg relationships - NOT about non-sexual age play in the more commonly practiced version of DD/lg relationships. This is soooo taboo, I fear any vanilla searches may come up with some path towards kiddie porn results - not something I want on my computer's history. (nor do I want to see it)

Another concern is that having this conversation in person, one on one, leaves me open to some potentially creepy responses. Plus, even posting this here, I know that there are some who will never forget that I am the one who asked. I don't like the association, but if that's what it takes...

These are my questions:

Question 1

Is a Daddy Dom a pedophile psychologically, but he behaves physically/sexually only with adults?

As is true in the BDSM community and its rainbow of fetishes, there are some fetishes which are considered, "edge play." In terms of DD/lg relationships, there are some who are edge players - which means they act out incest or pedophilia scenarios. These people are not pedophiles or molesters (although as is true of any group, some may be criminals - but that's not the kink). Even within the DD/lg, edge player group, many consider those who actually have fantasies about real minors as sick.

So, even after specifying that the question pertains to sexual age-playing Daddy Doms only, the answer is still, "No, they are not psychologically the same as pedophiles."

I believe people are sexually unique for three reasons:
1) Born that way
2) An early event linked sexuality and (fill in the blank/fetish)
3) Choice.

Question 2

So, if a guy is sexually aroused and attracted to all things youthful and he acts on it, it’s a crime and a horror. But, if that same guy channels those feelings into mutually consensual behavior with another adult, or adults, then I think we’d all want to support that “use” of those feelings, right?

"All things youthful" was my way of saying, "underage." I didn't think we could say that directly here (TOS). So, that was unclear.

The question of whether an edge player (again, as it pertains to DD/lg, sexual play and not to DD's in general), who uses the kink as an outlet for fantasies about real kids, is a good way to deal with the feelings/urges, has been met with a resounding, "NO!" The littles here have said they would run like hell at any hint of this.

I'm still not so sure about that. Is this a matter of my kink may not be your kink? If two people's needs and desires match, and they are consenting adults... where is the harm?

Well, and this is why I am not sure... perhaps the people who match in this very specific and limited respect, only match because one, or both of them, are unhealthy people with unresolved issues?

Question 3

This one has been answered. Again, with a, "No." (and that's allowing for the specifying which type of DD - a sexual age-player, edge player, only and not DD's in general.)
Daddy Doms and pedophiles “groom” the focus of their attention, using praise, gifts and a sense of dependence. But do they share these other qualities as well:

This is a list of known pedophile traits/ red flags...

-a self-image as being younger than they really are?

-inability to maintain peer relationships?

-a need for isolation, control and secrecy?

-shame, self-loathing, but with a charming façade?

- (fill in the blank with your own observations)?

Question 4

To anyone who has seen the film, “The Woodsman,” which shows how a woman accepts a pedophile’s need to express his sexuality in specific ways with her, do you agree that the Daddy Dom relationship is much like this?

Again, the general, DD label has to be revised to specify, "sexual age-player/edge player, type of Daddy Dom." No one seems to have seen the film, so this question can just die its natural death! It would likely be another, "No" response, I suspect.

Question 5

As a submissive who is also a parent, how do you handle both your own emotions, and your responsibility to protect, knowing the Daddy Dom’s preference for youth?

I think enough people said that all Daddy Doms do not have a preference for youth, so that makes the question invalid.

Question 6

As an aging human, how does it feel to be with a guy who is attracted to a look – an illusion – that will become more difficult to create with each passing day? I’m assuming that this feels good, or at least okay, but I wonder how that is achieved.

Again, this question is based on a misconception that all Daddy Doms are attracted to a youthful appearance. Enough posters have been clear that it's not about the looks to make this another irrelevant question.

Question 7

To Daddy Doms & those they partner with & with everyone in our community…

What is being done already to protect innocents from harm? (This is at the core of what frightens me… is there a difference, if so, how can we tell?)

Someone posted that EDUCATION is the way to protection. That answer makes complete sense to me.

I sincerely hope we can skip the defense of the kink… THAT is not the issue, and there is an abundance of that point of view already. Could we focus on this other concern, please?

And that ^^ is where my vocabulary failed me. I called a DD/lg relationship a kink... although that seems to vary in terms of being considered accurate, or not. I also was unable to clarify that I was referring to the DD/lg edge players - those who engage in sexual age play, only, and not asking anyone to define the more mainstream understanding of what DD/lg relationships are. In other words, no need to defend it... that's not what I am talking about.

Thank you, Everyone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

I know you are frustrated that people are still responding to the OP, but I doubt reposting your updates will make much difference. This is an emotive subject, people are going to read the OP and jump right into replying. It's inevitable on any lengthy thread but especially one on a controversial topic.

And I have to add to what others have mentioned re your use of 'edge play' - edge play is generally used to refer to any sort of play which is risky in terms of the possibility to cause serious physical or mental harm. The first thing that comes to my mind when people say edge play is breath play. Anyone who hasn't read that article might be confused as to where that comes from.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

Are these the questions you mean? I thought they were rhetorical.

Also, you began to play with the "beating a dead horse" thing, so I thought you were done.

But, okay...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

All of them. You need to throw out all these ideas and walk away from this idea that somehow an attraction to a child-like persona somehow equates to the same mentality of a pedophile. I would ask you this, does a person who loves the color orange, automatically likes to eat, oranges?

I don't think so. I'd have to ask more... as I am doing here with this topic.

Does a person who likes to act like a cat, automatically like any and all felines?

I don't think so. I'd have to ask more... as I am doing here with this topic.

You see, you cannot make these correlations without more information

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

13 pages of people trying to get it into your head that behaving as the head of the family does not make a man or woman automatically a child molester and you willfully closing your eyes and ears to this gives anyone the right to become disgusted and tired of you and your determined ignorance.

The fact that many of the guys who enjoy being a loving paternalistic dominant have healthy children of their own has made no difference to you. The fact that many of the woman who enjoy being treated as a protected and loved daughter have healthy children of their own has made no difference to you. You still insist on maintaining your disgusting belief.

What you ought to be doing instead of blaming every one else is simple. You ought to be getting therapy to deal with your issues so you won't be attracted to criminals in the future. You picked him, he didn't kidnap you and force you to be in a relationship with him. You need to own the fact that you picked him, that you found him attractive and that you didn't think about the qualities he exhibited. But that's hard work and it's a lot easier for you to blame tens of thousands of innocent people instead.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

Are these the questions you mean? I thought they were rhetorical.

Also, you began to play with the "beating a dead horse" thing, so I thought you were done.

But, okay...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

All of them. You need to throw out all these ideas and walk away from this idea that somehow an attraction to a child-like persona somehow equates to the same mentality of a pedophile. I would ask you this, does a person who loves the color orange, automatically likes to eat, oranges?

I don't think so. I'd have to ask more... as I am doing here with this topic.

Does a person who likes to act like a cat, automatically like any and all felines?

I don't think so. I'd have to ask more... as I am doing here with this topic.

You see, you cannot make these correlations without more information

And that is why the dead horse... You are not asking questions here, you have made conclusions and are trying to substantiate them. There is a BIG difference. What if I had said all people who eat Mandarin Oranges are pedophiles. Gave out my suppositions for coming to this conclusion, then asked everyone here if they agreed or disagreed, had any insights, etc. Now of course, the next post would call me insane correct? What could eating a particular orange have to do with being a pedophile, no matter what reasoning I had put into the thought process. But do you see the similarities between "oranges" and Daddy Doms? Where is your information, where is your research on the subject? You simply cannot present an idea to a group of people, and expect them to debate it, unless it has some basis of fact. Why, because others, who know the facts will question what you say if it differs.

This is why you need to just drop the whole idea because you are not simply asking questions on the subject, you are defending your concept. And while that is not a bad thing, you just don't have the facts to support it.