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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 10:55:10 AM   
Dyfrynt


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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC


The day I start worrying about what I am "supposed" to do and/or what "looks weak" is the day I stop saying I am "dominant".




This 100%
I think if someone is worried how they look as far as weak, or how they are "supposed" to do anything, that's fake. A lion doesn't have to prove it is a lion, it either is or isn't.


All well and good. There are people who have natural dominance as part of their personalities. For a lot of others dominance is a learned trait. And yes it can be learned. To suggest that one is either the former or a fake is not realistic.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 11:05:15 AM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dyfrynt
All well and good. There are people who have natural dominance as part of their personalities. For a lot of others dominance is a learned trait. And yes it can be learned. To suggest that one is either the former or a fake is not realistic.

Uh... did I say that anywhere? I have a long-standing posting record of agreeing with your point. I'll make it really simple for you.

I think the mythical dominance gene is hysterical bullshit.

I don't really see where TNDommeK said that either. But whether through nature or nurture the point remains. If you're looking to other people to tell you what to do you are submissive. If you're concerned with appearance rather than substance you are shallow. Is that clear enough?


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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 11:23:09 AM   
TNDommeK


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(Jeff, you can call Me K)

Dy, I was more so referring to someone who is dominant, "worrying" about appearance of domliness. (<--made up word)

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 11:28:09 AM   
Indio19


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This seems kind of like a bad trick question. Vanilla answerers would say its the dom, and I have heard several times that its the sub. My mistress, who's also a submissive, says the submissive has the power because I can walk away at any time, but that only gives me one single power I don't want to use. I could attempt to blackmail her into making the changes to our relationship that I want, but that's dumb and petty and wrong. Also, in my case, and I'm sure in many others, it wouldn't work. Shed just tell me to fuck off.
Other than that, I attempt to express feelings that conflict with hers, she gets offended, and no discussion occurs. She's just mad at me.
Anyway, this "power" that I've been told I have is a power everyone in every relationship has, and its not very helpful. In a normal (I didn't say vanilla), healthy, monogamous relationship, I would say each partner has equal power.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 11:34:09 AM   
CelticSubM


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In one sense, I hate to say this. I can't think of any way of saying it that doesn't sound cynical, and I certainly don't feel cynical about love and sex, bdsm or "vanilla." D/s relationships are basically no different than non-D/s ones. The person who values and desires the relationship less always has more power.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 6:45:57 PM   
littlewonder


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I HAVE THE POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!






Attachment (1)

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 6:58:27 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


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MEEEEE....when I'm holding these BOOSTER CABLES...

zzzzt zzzt zzzzzzzzzzzzZAP!

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 7:00:36 PM   
breagha


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I HAVE THE POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!







the way you typed that ... all i could think of was He-Man and his sword and castle Greyskull

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/15/2013 7:16:05 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

(Jeff, you can call Me K)

Dy, I was more so referring to someone who is dominant, "worrying" about appearance of domliness. (<--made up word)


Do these tan Carhartt overalls look "Domly"? (<---another made up word)
I could brush off the hay and horse hair...would that help?

Darn, I KNEW I should have opted for black leather chaps and spurs...

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/16/2013 3:34:16 AM   
TNDommeK


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Anything Carhartt is domly!

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/17/2013 4:57:34 PM   
MasterDavidNH


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Other than the very few hard limits set by my sub, and agreed by me, I have near absolute power over him. "Near" absolute, because he has both safe and slow words, but has never used either one.

I think you will find the answer to the question varies from relationship to relationship. In some cases it will be near-equal, in others not. Mine is one of the latter.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/17/2013 5:15:09 PM   
chatterbox24


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Doms are terribly good looking, and fit. The body has to fit the mind. Sharp, sexy, well oiled machine.
The subs following them are also terribly good looking and fit, usually improving in time because they are lead by example.

They both hold equal power when it comes to ending the relationship but thru out the relationship the dom holds all power in decisions.
THe sub may hold some power to sway.

Im terribly biased though, and superficial.



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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/18/2013 6:26:26 AM   
Dyfrynt


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticSubM

In one sense, I hate to say this. I can't think of any way of saying it that doesn't sound cynical, and I certainly don't feel cynical about love and sex, bdsm or "vanilla." D/s relationships are basically no different than non-D/s ones. The person who values and desires the relationship less always has more power.


Quite true. Nothing cynical about it. It is the way it is. In this thread, I think, the assumption is that both parties desire the relationship more or less equally.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/18/2013 6:47:08 AM   
MariaB


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Thats a very cynical view which may well have some truths in it but I really don't believe thats what this discussion is about.

I've seen this topic come up again and again and to me, what its actually saying is, is dominance real? Surely those that keep needing to re-iterate this question are having a problem understanding life choices. This is a lifestyle and all of this is choice. The dominant has more power within a D/s relationship (at least one that is working) because both parties have chosen it to be that way.

Most dominants are not stupid enough to believe that the submissive has eternally given up her rights for the rest of her life. Shit happens, times change people and people sometimes move on. When that happens the D/s relationship is no more and so the question of who holds the power becomes irrelevant.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/18/2013 7:05:02 AM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
I've seen this topic come up again and again and to me, what its actually saying is, is dominance real?

This is pretty much how I see it when all the angels on pinheads is done. The bottom line is that if you believe in dominance and submission -- if you think of them as real, independent, objective things not some sort of roleplay based upon agreements and contracts and fantasies -- then the obvious answer is "the more dominant one has more power". The fact that that answer never comes up intrigues the crap out of me.

This thread and ones like is one of the reasons I say, "The one thing not allowed in BDSM is dominance and submission". I think it scares people to think it may not be all pretty choices and fluffy rainbows. In point of fact we have a word for someone who is ACTUALLY in the power of another... we call them a "doormat" not a sub. go figure.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/18/2013 5:43:28 PM   
Level


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Take away the checks and balaces, what's left to make sure someone doesn't go too far? Safe, sane, and consensual have taken the last bus out of town; what's left?

Just pondering out loud...

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/18/2013 7:11:55 PM   
LookieNoNookie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: zpenguin

Food for thought

Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship?


I do.

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Profile   Post #: 137
RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/18/2013 8:15:05 PM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
Take away the checks and balances, what's left to make sure someone doesn't go too far?

Much as I understand the myriad fallacies in this analogy, you're asking me what keeps the sheep safe from the wolf. The only answer to that is "don't be around a wolf if safety is what you are looking for."

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/18/2013 8:57:03 PM   
LanceHughes


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THAT IS ALL ! !

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/18/2013 9:17:34 PM   
JeffBC


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when it works out well I agree Lance. I think the question is, "What stops it from working out more like this?"


(image from Jonestown)

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 140
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