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ORIGINAL: descrite
Is it really so hard, therefore, to be honest in relationships, and let your partner seek sexual release externally when you are unable to fulfill that aspect?

Ten years of picking up groceries. Twenty years of wiping kids' sniffling noses. Thirty years of getting the oil changed on the the minivan every 3,000 miles.

You're telling me that having a piece on the side so dramatically outweighs these things that it tips the apple cart straight into divorce court?

You think the dishonesty is a bid deal? Gosh. You sure don't seem to put much value in those other things, then.

Would that I had the pulpit, I would teach all American men to reduce the performance level for relationships-- if those things don't buy credit, then we ought cease doing them. If the sole measure of "good SO" is monogamy/honesty, we should just concentrate on that, and stop wasting energy on that other crap.


[Pro tip: women, you don't want honesty. You think you do. But you don't. Because, really: yes, you look fat in that dress, okay? Stop bugging us about it. But it's cute that you lie about honesty.]

Dude, you are so barking up the wrong tree. (Did you happen to forget that we are poly? Might change things if you're response was to Me personally, rather than in general.)

Piece on the side doesn't tip the apple cart. Lying about piece on the side does. (This is just My view, so please don't be misled to thinking that I'm speaking for anyone else.) In My personal case, dishonesty does buy a person a one way ticket out of My life. I'm pretty up front about that.

And, let's throw a dose of reality in there. Those years of groceries and oil changes and runny noses....... Guess what? You'd be doing that whether the wife was there or not. They are your groceries, vehicles, and kids, too. It's not like you're doing something out of the goodness of your heart that isn't a part of your own household. You sound like those guys who call it "babysitting" when they are watching their own kid for the afternoon.

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Why should she be required to be a fucking mind-reader?

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You'd be doing that whether the wife was there or not.

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ORIGINAL: descrite
You have a bizarre notion of how single men live.

Seriously, though, point = missed. Again.

I will try to restate: regular posters on this site have talked about how sex should not be integral to the relationship, if it becomes inconvenient (?!) for one party, and the other party (parties?) should "wait it out," because sex just isn't that important (?!???!).

Supposedly, then, the things that make up the "relationship," from the perspective of these posters, are those nonphysical, asexual elements, the sharing of chores, finances, hardship, etc.; the companionate aspects. Sex is -somehow- just a disposable element.

But when sex is experienced outside the "relationship," not it's paramount, and (somehow) a mark of being "dishonest."

If sex is not so important that it must be delivered throughout the course of a relationship, then getting it on the side cannot be "dishonest."

I think we can agree that there are plenty of bodily functions we don't try to control in our partner. If our partner sneezed in the car on the way to work and didn't tell us, we wouldn't feel cheated. That wouldn't be dishonest.

We feel that way about sex, because sex is paramount in a relationship (to most normal people, contrary to what some posters here seem to feel). So if sex is found elsewhere, we see it as betrayal.

It can't be both ways. Either it is paramount in relationships (and I think it is; fucking is what distinguishes my relationships from my friendships-- I have lots of friends I don't fuck; they're called "men"), and therefore both partners should constantly be responsible for the sexual fulfillment of their partner(s), or it isn't, and there's no betrayal in doing it with others-- it can't be both.

You might be correct that I don't know how single men live. Any that I've actually lived with, I didn't consider single.

How about, rather than either/or, we go for option three. Walk your ass up to the person that you live with and say the following:

"Our sex life is not frequent enough to be satisfying. My drive is higher than yours. There are options for us to resolve this. Which of those options would be your preference?"

That's called "open your mouth" and deal with the other person in your life in an honest way. It completely boggles My mind that people who consider themselves "dominant" can't manage taking charge of the situation and doing that. To be honest, I consider you to be outspoken and I'd have a hard time believing that you couldn't do that. (For the record, yes, I've done it.)

We're on page seventeen on this thread and so far, I haven't seen one person put up a reason why honesty isn't an option.

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ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf
Now a question I have is: How do you bring a vanilla SO into a more kinky and/or BDSM activities, which may include a younger third as a S type?

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

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ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf
Now a question I have is: How do you bring a vanilla SO into a more kinky and/or BDSM activities, which may include a younger third as a S type?

I don't know if this will fit your question but I wrote an essay on that three or four years ago on the poly board. I called it "How we went from monogamy to poly" and it should be able to be found through the search feature. It's one of the classes that I've given on the national circuit and got a really nice review on Leatheratti.

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Jesus, 'talk about a victimless crime. If the guy was being taken care of at home, he wouldn't be there. Or here.

Aint nobody at the go-go bar who has a hottie like Little Wonder in the wings. And for most of 'em, fearless life changing and searing self-examination aint gonna offer one up -ever.

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How about, rather than either/or, we go for option three. Walk your ass up to the person that you live with and say the following:

"Our sex life is not frequent enough to be satisfying. My drive is higher than yours. There are options for us to resolve this. Which of those options would be your preference?"

That's called "open your mouth" and deal with the other person in your life in an honest way. It completely boggles My mind that people who consider themselves "dominant" can't manage taking charge of the situation and doing that. To be honest, I consider you to be outspoken and I'd have a hard time believing that you couldn't do that. (For the record, yes, I've done it.)

We're on page seventeen on this thread and so far, I haven't seen one person put up a reason why honesty isn't an option.

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ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

Well I hope those that are interested will search and read it. I primarily asked the question because that is what I saw as the "meat" of the OP.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

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ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf
Now a question I have is: How do you bring a vanilla SO into a more kinky and/or BDSM activities, which may include a younger third as a S type?

I don't know if this will fit your question but I wrote an essay on that three or four years ago on the poly board. I called it "How we went from monogamy to poly" and it should be able to be found through the search feature. It's one of the classes that I've given on the national circuit and got a really nice review on Leatheratti.

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I have to add another observation.

Well, here's the flipside, in this thread: many regular posters state that they would ditch a partner, even a partner of over a decade, a partner who (contrary otherwise unstated) has presumably been there for them, through financial hardship and family problems and bringing up children and living life and building a home and all the other things partners do for each other, if they determined that the partner had had "just sex" with someone else.

So-- it's just sex.

Except when it isn't.

Spiffy.

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ORIGINAL: kalikshama
Here it is: How We Transitioned From Monogamy To Poly

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"Our sex life is not frequent enough to be satisfying. My drive is higher than yours. There are options for us to resolve this. Which of those options would be your preference?"

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The only way a woman stops having sex with you is if you stop pleasing her, sorry guys.

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The point, one more time, is that members of CollarMe have said that sex is not important in a relationship and have also said that extra-relation sex is cause for termination...both.

That is...inherently inconsistent.

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The only way a woman stops having sex with you is if you stop pleasing her, sorry guys.



Okay. Then she should do the honest and honorable thing and tell her man this. And, if she continues to be displeased, to the degree she decides not to put out, she ought allow him another sexual outlet, or leave.

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1

When these threads take on a life of their own it is always telling to read the replies.

I for one, am thrilled to be reading what men really think about cheating, etc.

A few things stand out for me:

- Men seem to have an overwhelming experience of their women "not putting out" or stopping having sex, for reasons other than illness or stress.
Interesting since I know a lot of women and none of them, including me, ever used sex as a weapon and stopped "putting out". In fact, I would venture to say that every woman I know, including myself have a super high sex drive and the only way we would stop having sex is if were really ill, or we were being lied and cheating on. The only way a woman stops having sex with you is if you stop pleasing her, sorry guys.

In fact, women that I know don't care about cheating from a sexual point of view, it is always about being lied to and trust broken. Especially when the sex at home is awesome.

- Which brings me to point two: men seem to be saying that men cheat if they are not getting what they want at home. That is not true in most cases. I know men who have gorgeous wives/girlfriends who cheat with ugly women and they say its not because their wife/girlfriend is not giving them what they want, they just like some new "strange" (their words, not mine). Honestly you could have porn style monkey sex and some guys still need to stick it somewhere else, because.....they are guys. Women who are pleased do not usually need to have more than one guy.

- There seems to be a huge contingent of men here who are really up in arms about not judging or condemning a cheater because we are in a kinky lifestyle. As LadyP keeps saying, ad nauseum, it is never about where you ram your dick, it is all about lying. If you have an issue, tell the woman.

- Another thing, some men are the ones who stop having sex with women. Is it ok for her to go out to a club and pick up guys too?

- Finally, the whole discussion of who does what from a financial/homemaking/parenting perspective is ridiculous. Both partnerr should be equal contributors to whatever is going on while in a relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia




I've known many women over the years who have shut down sexually within their marriage, and each time the same reasons came up. It wasn't health, nor boredom; it was...feeling a lack of emotional intimacy and a lack of...trust.