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RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 7:32:41 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
Y'all are going to get pissed at me and I don't care.

Fair enough. You might not like this one, either.

The very reason that I don't buy what 99% of the threads like this one represent is because some of those of us who are poly don't go doing stuff behind our spouse's back for *years* before approaching the subject with the person where it actually matters. Unlike some, I didn't read the OP's profile (I usually don't so I don't carry that over to answering the question) but this is a case where the profile was created in 2004. That seriously leads Me to believe that honesty wasn't this guy's first policy.

Truth be told, more often than not, I'm going to side with the person who entered the relationship with another person they thought was vanilla, and had the expectation of a life with a vanilla. That's what they signed up for and it's not unreasonable to expect. That's coming from somebody who met and married vanilla and wouldn't be involved in any of the kinky stuff unless MP was cool with it. That wasn't an instantaneous acceptance thing, either. We spent a lot of time discussing what it would mean for us and it most certainly wasn't done overnight.

Could I have been a scumbag about it? Absolutely. I'm a military wife. There are literally years at a time that he's not even in the country. I mention this because I am exceptionally familiar with time periods where there is no sex or even physical forms of affection because he's not present. While different people have different levels of sexual drive, I'm in a great position to know that physical sex just isn't the most important thing going. That's akin to saying that if, God forbid, you couldn't perform sexually anymore due to an illness that your wife ought to get up and leave you because you're not performing the duties of a husband.

Hey, I'm even agreeing with you that situations like the one of your past history exist. However, the other side is present, too, where the truth is that the husband (or the wife) just honestly don't put as much into the relationship as they did when they were courting. Once folks are 'secure' that the relationship is solid, some folks do let that slide. They give up on concepts like date night or ensuring the spouse knows that they are special to the other person in their life. Maybe in some of those cases, if they spent the same amount of time as they do chasing tail on the side or surfing porn and put that effort into their marriage, they might find some return on that investment.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 7:38:49 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollenburg
You can't convince a vanilla wife to be kinky any more than you can convince a straight person of being gay (or vice versa).

Really? I'll be sure and tell Carol that. She's going to be shocked. Here's my rule:

You can get anything in the whole world out of your partner if you have the chips to pay for it in whatever the partner's coin of the realm is. Want your monogamous vanilla wife to let strangers paw her? No problem... if you have the chips. It's just a lot of chips is all.



If I had a dollar for everytime Jeff mentions Carol and because it worked for him. IT MUST BE TRUE!

But in this case, I have to agree with him. I've subbed many vanilla women, it was those women who felt there was much more out there. They were submissive but before me, didn't meet the right guy to fully bring it out of them. Make them understand what made them tick and introduce them to the lifestyle.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 7:40:20 PM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		I apologize in advance for not reading all the posts ... I'm only responding to the OP, to tell them that you just can't change someone. Trust me. I know. It's wholly impossible. If they're not kinky, or even (as in my case), they could live their entire life without sex, then there is absolutely nothing short of nuclear energy that could change that.

Luckily, there are hundreds of solutions, as the laws of supply and demand always hold true. Just ask any guy who has ever strayed and you'll find the reason is that the wife didn't do her job properly. But that's a topic for another thread.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 7:44:25 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
Some women are just bitches.


Aye, I have been there myself. I was about to get married and then something changed. I am still not sure what it was to this day, she stopped putting out. Suddenly went from wanting it all the time, to not wanting it. I tried communication, trying to talk to her friends, with her family to see if everything was ok, if she was ok. Was it something at work, was it me. I suggested counseling. Nothing worked, she just put a wall up around her.

In the end I called off the engagement. Which apparently was a big sigh of relief to her. She said she was too young to get married. I was like WTF? She was the one who was hinting we should. She got her parents involved when I was hesitant in the beginning, put pressure on me. But I relented because I loved her. Made a big show of proposing in Paris. She accepted, but then one day just flipped.

Some women, they are just bat shit crazy.

I look back at that time. I'm so happy I never got married. I am actually grateful in part to her. I just wish she could have been honest sooner!

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 7:58:52 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Using FR:

quote:

ORIGINAL: deliriuminabox


My suggestion, once I get past how ego-centric this whole idea is, is this: how about you introduce the notion of bringing in a slave by suggesting a younger, hotter, male slave to serve your wife first? Whether she uses him for sex or even just to wash the dishes, its up to her. (And him.) Maybe she'd enjoy the idea so much, she wouldn't care if you got one of your own. She wouldn't have to be bi either.




^^^This. I suggest letting her pick out the youngest, biggest schlonged, best looking, most obedient guy she can find for "simple dominance, a sex / domestic slave who obeys" and let her run with that for a while before you ask to get one for yourself.

How'd that idea feel to you? It better have felt pretty effin' righteous and just like the natural order of things to you, because that's how you'd want HER to feel, right? Her feelings ARE important to you, right?

(in reply to deliriuminabox)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 8:20:38 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I had one of those hubbys undergoing religious conversion myself. Only it only served to make me more of a chattel than I was prior. And instead of just doing me, he was exploring his options in religion with another women who was more devout. So I do get it.
That said... when it was obvious this was a change he was locked into, I packed up all his shit, told myself its just me and the kids and moved him out of my family house.

It wasn't bitchy. I gave notice that religion was my line and I was not going to cross it.

Point is, I ended it. I didn't cheat, or ask him to be cool with my taking on another lover while he continued to judge me.
It was done. No lingering.
That is something all too many willingly agree to do, for YEARS. Frankly I just don't get it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
That's right kids, YEARS as a fucking celibate sleeping beside the person I loved and wanted more than anything in the world but I was 'Disgusting'. "Till death do we part" sounded better all the time. I know what a shotgun barrel tastes like OK. I finally decided that I could just pack my shit and leave or be a miserable SOB for the next half century or so.

Counseling? I suggested it and was told "Just because I'm not a pervert like you doesn't mean I'm crazy".





_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 9:05:58 PM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

Y'all are going to get pissed at me and I don't care.



I'm not pissed at ya. In fact, I agree with you.

I do not have any negative opinions toward the question asked in the OP. If there's something he wants, or has been wanting, to explore WITH his wife (or with her consent) that's great. I don't care how long they've been together or how the relationship started. Things change, people grow.

As for his profile, I'm not going to judge or make my assertions here. I'm not in the marriage, I don't know the details.

And this opinion comes from someone who was the victim of a cheating spouse.
Was I a cold bitch? Yes. Was it due to me not having my needs met, receiving nothing in return? Yes, that's how I felt.
I don't condone the cheating and find it as a cowardly way out. But, we were both to blame for a marriage that had already failed at that point.

Relationships are different and it's not for me to say what is or isn't right in theirs.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 9:45:30 PM   
Extravagasm


Posts: 230
Joined: 9/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

descrite: And thanks for the compliment, Extravagasm [about post 39]. I don't know why so many on this board are so quick to judge and exorciate

You're deservedly welcome, descrite. Glad the compliment got through, with Mods removing one, and other whiners claiming they'd already seen too much LOL

quote:

Rochsub post54 to Extravagasm: And you've made the same [compliment]. Now what? Do you think your comment gains potency if you repeat it ? See, I didn't even call you a name.

I'd considered it was the OP they'd denigrated, but whatever.



< Message edited by Extravagasm -- 8/12/2013 10:26:47 PM >

_____________________________

BDSM operates on submission. Not on love, fairness, or convention.

The way to a Dom . . is to follow his karma, wallow in his grime, Swim in his heart.©

Yeah, fantasy is not reality. That's how it gives direction to the truly gifted.

(in reply to descrite)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 9:49:17 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow
If I had a dollar for everytime Jeff mentions Carol and because it worked for him. IT MUST BE TRUE!

Not so. Because it worked for me it must be possible. Truth has nothing to do with it.

Besides, what would you have me do? Shall I pontificate my "theory of BDSM"? All I have is my own experience to recount. Others have to make of it what they will and apply that knowledge to their own lives as appropriate. There's a reason I post from the first person way more often than not.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/12/2013 9:51:05 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to getoutnow)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/12/2013 9:55:15 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3315
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

Y'all are going to get pissed at me and I don't care.

Judge not lest ye be judged because in a significant number of the problem marriages, it just MIGHT not be the "all males are assholes" syndrome that is in effect.

Not pissed at you either Hill. The reasons for marital disintegration are as numerous as there are marriages and none of it is as black and white as some people here make it out to be. It's just the PC aspect of the site, like the support of fin dommes. Something those of us who don't see things the accepted way have to put up with to hang out on the site. Hide and block

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 2:14:39 AM   
Toysinbabeland


Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline 		I said nothing about him cheating,( for the record)
I simply explained how he may gain her interest in changing her point of view.

(in reply to descrite)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 2:18:27 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

You are wanting to get your wife to agree to you getting someone else while in your marriage? If she isn't wired to think that way, odds are pretty slim she is just going to pop off with the suggestion of you getting someone else. It might just boil down to a heart to heart talk with her about what you feel or think.

(in reply to descrite)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 2:53:32 AM   
metamorfosis


Posts: 1132
Status: offline 		at descrite: We did. I did.

He didn't provide many facts and so I looked at his profile to fill in the gaps. When it said he was married and looking for someone discreet to live elsewhere I assumed he was cheating, or planning to cheat. My answer was based on that assumption.

Is it possible he had his wife's consent and she just didn't want to know the details? Yes. Is that as likely as him cheating? I doubt it, simply because if that were the situation it would be very much in his own interest to say so on his profile, and he does not. In my experience, avoidance is often significant. People don't volunteer information that makes them look bad, and they quickly volunteer information that makes them look good, so the fact that he says nothing is noteworthy. Obviously it is not proof. But it's noteworthy.

It's also noteworthy that the OP didn't correct forum members who made that assumption. Now he didn't have to, it's none of our business, but again it's a kind of avoidance. He didn't even point out that it was an assumption instead of a fact.

Were we justified in jumping to that conclusion? Should we have given him the benefit of the doubt, or just asked? I don't know. I'll have to think about that one.

< Message edited by metamorfosis -- 8/13/2013 3:18:43 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to descrite)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 3:23:03 AM   
trustandesire


Posts: 4
Status: offline 		Again, thanks for the replies. Lots of good info. Been here reading and passing time. First seeing if it is what I seek, then contemplating the implications of revealing it. Have tried mild interjection on the topic and it was met with negative feelings. Just because I have been here for years doesn't mean I an here daily. It's a pass time. Web surfing. And no, not much porno or masturbating going on here. Fantasizing of different scenarios?, sure, but that's about it. I don't rush or jump into anything. Yes, I am dominant. I like being in control of all aspects of my life and of my female partner both in and out of the bedroom. I like things done my way, by my decisions. No, not into the pain side of it, rather fancy pleasing a woman instead. Yes, been married, yes still happily. no cheating. Yes looking to because lack of sex has made me a bit nuts. Shoot me. Would rather have wife on board hence my posting this way out of control post. Asthma prevents oral sex and some regular sex. meds make her spazz and no sleep. It's all connected and it all affects back to the sex life which suffers. Not rich, not looking to spend gobs of money on a hooker or any woman. Was looking for another who had the same empty place as me. RE-thinking my options.

(in reply to metamorfosis)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 3:33:58 AM   
OvrThRainbow


Posts: 56
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline 		Have you come right out and asked her if she would be OK if you had a lover on the side? Mild interjection isn't being direct and without directness you will never really know how she feels about it.

(in reply to trustandesire)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 3:42:27 AM   
metamorfosis


Posts: 1132
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trustandesire
Yes, been married, yes still happily. no cheating. Yes looking to because lack of sex has made me a bit nuts. Shoot me. Would rather have wife on board hence my posting this way out of control post.


If your wife says no, are you going to cheat anyway? If your wife says you can go outside the marriage for sex, is there any reason not to follow your original plan and have your sub (or non-BDSM mistress) live elsewhere? That may be more feasible than having a live in slave. If you've been "looking to cheat" for years, but have not cheated, what has prevented you? Is her health so poor she can't support herself if you divorce? If you can't have this, will you want a divorce?

_____________________________

Pam (aka gungadin09)

Forum Freak

(in reply to trustandesire)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 4:04:52 AM   
metamorfosis


Posts: 1132
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trustandesire
Been here reading and passing time. First seeing if it is what I seek, then contemplating the implications of revealing it.


Then you're doing it backwards. You won't discover if this is what you seek by contemplation. You will have to try it to know. You may even have to experiment for a while to know. And you shouldn't try it unless you talk to your wife. So talking to your wife must be your first step.

quote:

Have tried mild interjection on the topic and it was met with negative feelings.

You mean on this thread, or to her? You're being awfully vague.

quote:

Just because I have been here for years doesn't mean I an here daily. It's a pass time. Web surfing...I don't rush or jump into anything.


Obviously not.

quote:

Yes, I am dominant. I like being in control of all aspects of my life and of my female partner both in and out of the bedroom. I like things done my way, by my decisions.


You seem anything but decisive to me. Dude, you're not dominant. You're a guy who fantasizes about kinky sex. You and your wife don't seem to know each other at all. You're not committed to your relationship. You should end it if she's healthy enough to support herself alone.

< Message edited by metamorfosis -- 8/13/2013 4:18:42 AM >

_____________________________

Pam (aka gungadin09)

Forum Freak

(in reply to trustandesire)
Profile   Post #: 97
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 4:11:47 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trustandesire

Again, thanks for the replies. Lots of good info. Been here reading and passing time. First seeing if it is what I seek, then contemplating the implications of revealing it. Have tried mild interjection on the topic and it was met with negative feelings. Just because I have been here for years doesn't mean I an here daily. It's a pass time. Web surfing. And no, not much porno or masturbating going on here. Fantasizing of different scenarios?, sure, but that's about it. I don't rush or jump into anything. Yes, I am dominant. I like being in control of all aspects of my life and of my female partner both in and out of the bedroom. I like things done my way, by my decisions. No, not into the pain side of it, rather fancy pleasing a woman instead. Yes, been married, yes still happily. no cheating. Yes looking to because lack of sex has made me a bit nuts. Shoot me. Would rather have wife on board hence my posting this way out of control post. Asthma prevents oral sex and some regular sex. meds make her spazz and no sleep. It's all connected and it all affects back to the sex life which suffers. Not rich, not looking to spend gobs of money on a hooker or any woman. Was looking for another who had the same empty place as me. RE-thinking my options.


If she had a pulmonologist, she could just ask him/her how to deal with asthma and sex.
So can you convince her to make an appointment with one and you go along?

There are newer inhalers that carry less of the spaz effect, and for sex she wouldn't need to use them all the time; she would use it before sex (the way people with exercise induced asthma use it).

As for giving oral sex, there is a lot more than the sucking part of a bj.

So, your actual problem is that you like to be a dominant partner and you are married to a woman who is dominant herself.
Would you feel better if there was an area of your marriage in which you got to have final say?

Is there an area of your marriage in which you could happily give her final say?

Is there any way you could engage her in a compromise like that?

You could get her a copy of the book When Someone You Love is Kinky and then explain it is being able to have control that you crave.

Or you could learn to communicate better: http://www.cnvc.org/about/what-is-nvc.html

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(in reply to trustandesire)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 7:09:07 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: descrite
You have no idea what their arrangement/rules/parameters are. You do know his question.

Doesn't the title of the thread asking how he gets his wife to agree, imply that they don't have an agreement in place?



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to descrite)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 8:45:20 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		From your posting we know this.
You want a younger sexual slave to live with you and your wife.
You present that your wife is dominant YET she knows nothing about this stuff.
You present that your wife is .01% bi.
You present your wife cannot have sex for health reasons.

What most of us here know:
You are wanting what a lot of men want. A younger woman and that you want your wife on board with your desires.
How the heck do you know she is any percentage of bi? How do you know she is dominant if she knows nothing about this stuff? Believe it or not, just because a person is vocal about what they want and expect things done it does not make them kink inclined.
Finally upon the clarification below, we know that the first way you think of sex is orally, as in you being serviced but can't because she has asma. On yeah, it also prevents a lot of regular sex.


quote:

ORIGINAL: trustandesire

Again, thanks for the replies. Lots of good info. Been here reading and passing time. First seeing if it is what I seek, then contemplating the implications of revealing it. Have tried mild interjection on the topic and it was met with negative feelings. Just because I have been here for years doesn't mean I an here daily. It's a pass time. Web surfing. And no, not much porno or masturbating going on here. Fantasizing of different scenarios?, sure, but that's about it. I don't rush or jump into anything. Yes, I am dominant. I like being in control of all aspects of my life and of my female partner both in and out of the bedroom. I like things done my way, by my decisions. No, not into the pain side of it, rather fancy pleasing a woman instead. Yes, been married, yes still happily. no cheating. Yes looking to because lack of sex has made me a bit nuts. Shoot me. Would rather have wife on board hence my posting this way out of control post. Asthma prevents oral sex and some regular sex. meds make her spazz and no sleep. It's all connected and it all affects back to the sex life which suffers. Not rich, not looking to spend gobs of money on a hooker or any woman. Was looking for another who had the same empty place as me. RE-thinking my options.



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to trustandesire)
Profile   Post #: 100
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