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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 10:09:21 AM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

quote:

ORIGINAL: Now, personally, I am polyamorous, and I would not accept a slave who did not accept that. But supposing I were not polyamorous or that I was okay with monogamy with a particular slave, I might still ask for the power of polyamory even though I had no intention of ever using it. And if my slave rejected giving me that power, I would know that my slave's trust in me was insufficient for them to be my slave.

Yes, it is a very sad truth that there are a lot of people out there that are completely and totally abusing the power they are given by submissives in this lifestyle. And it is very important for submissives to be a lot more sure about trusting someone than a lot of them tend to be. But a good and loving Dominant can ask their slave for power with no intention of abusing that power in a way that would hurt them. And the harder it is to give that power to your Dominant, the deeper the trust and intimacy of your relationship. I will always be pushing my slave to place more and more trust in me and give more and more power to me. I have no intention of ever abusing it. That's kind of the point. Just because there are so many bad Doms out there doesn't mean that everyone who asks for X power is a bad Dom.


I find this interesting. You say that you are poly which is fine for you. You say you would never choose a slave who did not accept that, cool.

But then you go on to say that even if you were not poly (and I am going to assume that means you might be choosing a slave who is not poly), you might still present her with asking for poly.

To me, that sounds disengenous and a test. I don't like being tested on things that are morally and emotionally against my beliefs, such as poly.

If you need to test someone for their trust, especially on something you have no intention of doing (ie. poly, knowing they are against it), that is really a problem.


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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 10:55:17 AM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
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From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I find this interesting. You say that you are poly which is fine for you. You say you would never choose a slave who did not accept that, cool.

But then you go on to say that even if you were not poly (and I am going to assume that means you might be choosing a slave who is not poly), you might still present her with asking for poly.

To me, that sounds disengenous and a test. I don't like being tested on things that are morally and emotionally against my beliefs, such as poly.

If you need to test someone for their trust, especially on something you have no intention of doing (ie. poly, knowing they are against it), that is really a problem.




Yes, I did say "might" specifically because I haven't thought the idea through enough, but isn't everything we do in a D/s relationship a test of trust?

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 12:17:13 PM   
VideoAdminChi


Posts: 3086
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		FR,

I would like to take this opportunity to remind people to express themselves without violating the Collarme.com Forum Guidelines

...The primary intention of this board is to provide a forum for discussion and the exchange of ideas. Considering the natural diversity of opinion and expression, it is expected that disagreements will often occur. While debate is fine, postings of the sort generally known as "flames" is not. Participants are not expected to coddle one another, but they are expected to keep things within the realm of maturity.

This isn't a place to insult the kinks, preferences, lifestyles, etc. of others. If you don't like what another person enjoys, rest assured that there are plenty of others out there that probably don't like your activities either. Furthermore, baiting, harassment and personal attacks will not be tolerated.


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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 12:36:02 PM   
NuevaVida


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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

Yes, I did say "might" specifically because I haven't thought the idea through enough, but isn't everything we do in a D/s relationship a test of trust?

Based on trust, yes. A "test" of trust? No, not with the Mister and I. I don't see what we do as tests. We either have trust or we don't, and in the areas that lack, we work together to get there.


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Profile   Post #: 124
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 12:50:13 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
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From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida


quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

Yes, I did say "might" specifically because I haven't thought the idea through enough, but isn't everything we do in a D/s relationship a test of trust?

Based on trust, yes. A "test" of trust? No, not with the Mister and I. I don't see what we do as tests. We either have trust or we don't, and in the areas that lack, we work together to get there.



Well, I think this might just be semantics and the negative association people have with the word "test". All of life is a "test" and everything we do is a "test". In order to be able to push the boundaries of a slave, I must "test" her to find out where those boundaries are.

I will try to more carefully consider my usage of the word "test" in the future though, recognizing that it is a subjective word with a lot of negative associations.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 12:53:01 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline 		When people start a post here with "FR" are they saying "for the record"? Common Internet usage of "FR" is "for real".

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Profile   Post #: 126
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 12:54:06 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline 		Oh, nevermind, it's "fast reply". Got it.

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Profile   Post #: 127
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 12:55:49 PM   
mnottertail


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Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Word. For real!!!!

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Profile   Post #: 128
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:03:41 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Yeah, I guess there are negative connotations with it. For me there's probably a philosophical difference, too, as I don't see life as a test. But that's an entirely different discussion ;)

Edited to add, about boundary pushing. He has the opposite approach as you. He does not set out to find boundaries so he can push them. He decided what he wanted from me and if it was a boundary, worked with me to achieve it (and did push in some cases). But only for that which he wanted. He didn't look for boundaries just for the sake of pushing them. Not his thing, and I think it would be exhausting for both of us.

< Message edited by NuevaVida -- 8/27/2013 1:07:49 PM >

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)
Profile   Post #: 129
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:14:46 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt


I'll have to decline a reading of the Gor books, sci fi fantasy makes for poor relationship philosophy.




Interesting fact: I agree 100%. I actually largely agree with what you've said in this thread, despite how it might seem to you. It's still valuable reading if you want to interact with people in this lifestyle, especially if you want to judge and criticize them. Currently, I am painfully slogging my way through the second 50 Shades audiobook when I'm on road trips. It's terrible. It's horribly written. The characters are awful. There is actually nothing redeeming about these books in my eyes. I've seen some people say "anything that gets vanilla people into kink has some good to it," but I don't really think that's true here, since the series so horribly misrepresents us in all the worst ways possible. I spend a good portion of the time while I'm listening yelling at the characters for how stupid they are. But I continue listening, because it's educational both for me as a Dom and as a member of the community in general to better understand the people I interact with. Even if the understanding I achieve largely consists of "wow, people who like this aren't really my cup of tea," I will still be interacting with these people on the Internet and at munches and other social events, and I'd rather understand them better and be friendly and helpful to them than bash them and make them feel bad about the fact that they want to be a slave, which is exactly what they're afraid of happening when they can't reveal their desire to be a slave to anyone in the first place.

Interestingly, the girl I was talking about above who wanted to be a slave also used to verbally bash the very thing she wanted as part of hiding the fact that that was what she wanted from the world.

I could certainly see someone having as hard a time stomaching Gor as I do stomaching 50 Shades. To most, Gor will look like an absurd male fantasy. But the fact that that's what it looks like and that there are women who are into it and looking for that is exactly what makes it educational for people in this lifestyle.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:17:04 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I find this interesting. You say that you are poly which is fine for you. You say you would never choose a slave who did not accept that, cool.

But then you go on to say that even if you were not poly (and I am going to assume that means you might be choosing a slave who is not poly), you might still present her with asking for poly.

To me, that sounds disengenous and a test. I don't like being tested on things that are morally and emotionally against my beliefs, such as poly.

If you need to test someone for their trust, especially on something you have no intention of doing (ie. poly, knowing they are against it), that is really a problem.

Oh really? Out of curiosity how long does it take for this problem to show up? I mean sheez... Carol and I have almost 20 years now and I'm suddenly worried about getting blind sided by some massive problem that's been creeping up on us.

More seriously, this was easy for Carol and I. Whether or not I wanted poly or she did was not relevant. What was relevant is that it was my decision with the advent of the collar.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:20:07 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Yeah, I guess there are negative connotations with it. For me there's probably a philosophical difference, too, as I don't see life as a test. But that's an entirely different discussion ;)

Edited to add, about boundary pushing. He has the opposite approach as you. He does not set out to find boundaries so he can push them. He decided what he wanted from me and if it was a boundary, worked with me to achieve it (and did push in some cases). But only for that which he wanted. He didn't look for boundaries just for the sake of pushing them. Not his thing, and I think it would be exhausting for both of us.



Oh dear, no, that's not what I meant at all. Of course I'm not trying to push boundaries for the sake of pushing them. I meant the same thing as what you said. Pushing boundaries is entirely about improvement, not just randomly doing it.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:21:36 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Word. For real!!!!


I'm not going to give you a blowjob.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:24:11 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I'm not gonna bother to lie to ya, I am fine with that.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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Profile   Post #: 134
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:25:58 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for clarifying, I get what you're saying now.

He pushes/prompts/nudges (or whatever he thinks is best called for) for the things he wants or thinks will be better for us. Then again, he pushes himself to improve, too.

I've experienced the pushing for the sake of pushing before. In all honesty it exhausted the hell out of me in the long run.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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Profile   Post #: 135
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:30:49 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Of course I recognize that some want to be slaves, just as I recognize that some are in fact what I consider masters.

Which is why I said this in post # 84

quote:

The use of the term 'slave' seems to indicate someone who will agree to poly or to the bait and switch. Please note there is a huge exception to this in the leather world, of which I am not a part.


In other words, I find the leather world to have more people who manage to remain true to what I personally consider the correct meaning of the terms slave and master.

I never at any time implied slaves and masters didn't exist, that I didn't approve of them, or any other silly thing that's been implied.

I have stated categorically that many in the online world (and let's face it, most meet online these days), 'style' themselves as a master in the hopes of manipulating someone into a poly situation in what *I* consider an unethical manner.


If there is anything about the above that is unclear, I'm happy to discuss it. I will not, however, get into a pissing match over who's ego is bigger. You will lose.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:49:01 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I will not, however, get into a pissing match over who's ego is bigger. You will lose.



Oooohhh errrrr Missus!

Naw, I think you would lose with me.

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Profile   Post #: 137
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 1:54:59 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I will not, however, get into a pissing match over who's ego is bigger. You will lose.



Why do you feel it necessary to end all of your posts with an insult?

Do you simply not realize that the above is a direct insult?

Everything in your post prior to this was a reasonable response, and then you ended it with this insult.

I have not tried to get into a pissing match with you about whose ego is bigger. Why do you keep claiming that I am? I'm not trying to win any sort of pissing match. You say you don't want to get into a pissing match, but by making this claim, you are actually trying to start one. And then by saying "you will lose," you are very clearly launching the second blow in this pissing match that you are trying to start.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 138
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 2:14:11 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		It was an insult, and one directed at my own self, since I am well aware of the size of my own ego, and the pride that goes with it.

But you know, I'm done here. We are not talking to one another, we are talking at one another.

That you could perceive my comment as an insult to YOU shows that to me quite clearly.

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Profile   Post #: 139
RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 2:19:52 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
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(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 140
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