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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 4:10:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I find this interesting. You say that you are poly which is fine for you. You say you would never choose a slave who did not accept that, cool.

But then you go on to say that even if you were not poly (and I am going to assume that means you might be choosing a slave who is not poly), you might still present her with asking for poly.

To me, that sounds disengenous and a test. I don't like being tested on things that are morally and emotionally against my beliefs, such as poly.

If you need to test someone for their trust, especially on something you have no intention of doing (ie. poly, knowing they are against it), that is really a problem.

Oh really? Out of curiosity how long does it take for this problem to show up? I mean sheez... Carol and I have almost 20 years now and I'm suddenly worried about getting blind sided by some massive problem that's been creeping up on us.

More seriously, this was easy for Carol and I. Whether or not I wanted poly or she did was not relevant. What was relevant is that it was my decision with the advent of the collar.

I am talking specifically about the highly charged discussion of poly vs. mono, which is the point of this thread, no?

I am glad it was easy for you and Carol. For me, if I told someone at the start of a relationship that everything was up for boundary-pushing EXCEPT for poly and they said, that is cool and then whether it was one month or 20 years down the road they decided to push that hard limit, then that would be deal breaker for me.

What I want in relationships is as relevant as my partner. I suppose I am not a good slave or submissive in that respect.

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 4:11:03 PM

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I am very poly by nature, but I am no longer looking to be poly, though I am (just barely) open to dating couples, if everything is right. It's just that I love a Dsss.... type household structure so much. I love having sisterwives. I just love everything about it. 3 of my last 4 relationships were with mono guys that I talked into finding me sisters. In all three cases, we searched for and found sisters together. In all three cases I was eventually released so they could persue monogamy with said sister. One was even a mixed poly home with 2 Doms and multiple subs. (2 male Doms, both strait, not sexual with each other). The other of my last 4 relationships was my brief unfortunate 2nd marriage, which was open instead of poly, and which failed for other reasons altogether. (He refused to hold down a job, refused to clean the house while I worked and went to school, both full time, refused to have sex or play, but watched porn all day, sought other women actively, and finally, hit me. But only once, cause that's when I left). I am hopeful that by looking for a spot as a secondary, I might find an established couple that is truly poly. But mostly what I find are women who wish they were mono, but since that's not what Master wants.... in which case, it's also not what I want. so even as a searching unicorn, it can be hard to find.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 4:14:34 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I find this interesting. You say that you are poly which is fine for you. You say you would never choose a slave who did not accept that, cool.

But then you go on to say that even if you were not poly (and I am going to assume that means you might be choosing a slave who is not poly), you might still present her with asking for poly.

To me, that sounds disengenous and a test. I don't like being tested on things that are morally and emotionally against my beliefs, such as poly.

If you need to test someone for their trust, especially on something you have no intention of doing (ie. poly, knowing they are against it), that is really a problem.

Yes, I did say "might" specifically because I haven't thought the idea through enough, but isn't everything we do in a D/s relationship a test of trust?

Not really. If I am engaged with someone in D/s, we have trust already. If he breaks that trust, I can choose to discuss it and forgive him or leave.

However, what I found inauthentic was your comment that I addressed to be discussing testing your partner even though you had no intention of every doing the very thing you were testing about.

It is one thing to have a mindfuck (which is a different thread) and one thing to know someone is not into something so emotionally intense as poly (for some people) and then insist upon it as a condition of D/s.

Since neither monogamy or polyamory is a condition of D/s or vanilla, that is why I questioned why you would conduct what to me, sounded like a negative test.

(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 4:39:30 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I find this interesting. You say that you are poly which is fine for you. You say you would never choose a slave who did not accept that, cool.

But then you go on to say that even if you were not poly (and I am going to assume that means you might be choosing a slave who is not poly), you might still present her with asking for poly.

To me, that sounds disengenous and a test. I don't like being tested on things that are morally and emotionally against my beliefs, such as poly.

If you need to test someone for their trust, especially on something you have no intention of doing (ie. poly, knowing they are against it), that is really a problem.

Yes, I did say "might" specifically because I haven't thought the idea through enough, but isn't everything we do in a D/s relationship a test of trust?

Not really. If I am engaged with someone in D/s, we have trust already. If he breaks that trust, I can choose to discuss it and forgive him or leave.

However, what I found inauthentic was your comment that I addressed to be discussing testing your partner even though you had no intention of every doing the very thing you were testing about.

It is one thing to have a mindfuck (which is a different thread) and one thing to know someone is not into something so emotionally intense as poly (for some people) and then insist upon it as a condition of D/s.

Since neither monogamy or polyamory is a condition of D/s or vanilla, that is why I questioned why you would conduct what to me, sounded like a negative test.

This makes sense. I agree with you.

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 7:24:15 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

I am very poly by nature, but I am no longer looking to be poly, though I am (just barely) open to dating couples, if everything is right. It's just that I love a Dsss.... type household structure so much. I love having sisterwives. I just love everything about it. 3 of my last 4 relationships were with mono guys that I talked into finding me sisters. In all three cases, we searched for and found sisters together. . One was even a mixed poly home with 2 Doms and multiple subs. (2 male Doms, both strait, not sexual with each other). The other of my last 4 relationships was my brief unfortunate 2nd marriage, which was open instead of poly, and which failed for other reasons altogether. (He refused to hold down a job, refused to clean the house while I worked and went to school, both full time, refused to have sex or play, but watched porn all day, sought other women actively, and finally, hit me. But only once, cause that's when I left). I am hopeful that by looking for a spot as a secondary, I might find an established couple that is truly poly. But mostly what I find are women who wish they were mono, but since that's not what Master wants.... in which case, it's also not what I want. so even as a searching unicorn, it can be hard to find.

To me...that seems to be a very common result of poly dynamics. It may well be because you only hear the bad stories, but they all seem to end when 2 of the 3 decide they don't need the 3rd wheel..and often it seems to be the Dom running off with the "newer" of the two. I am competitive by nature...being put into a household where I would constantly be making sure I was not "losing" would be like work... (I am in a competitive, aggressive...sometimes ugly industry). There are many things I know about myself and I am ok with...I know I would always want to be edging out the competition, angling, manipulating because I would want to make sure I was the indispensable of the two people...

(in reply to tsatske)

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 7:56:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
To me...that seems to be a very common result of poly dynamics. It may well be because you only hear the bad stories, but they all seem to end when 2 of the 3 decide they don't need the 3rd wheel..and often it seems to be the Dom running off with the "newer" of the two. I am competitive by nature...being put into a household where I would constantly be making sure I was not "losing" would be like work... (I am in a competitive, aggressive...sometimes ugly industry). There are many things I know about myself and I am ok with...I know I would always want to be edging out the competition, angling, manipulating because I would want to make sure I was the indispensable of the two people...

Imagine that all the abusive wife beaters in the world started calling what they do BDSM and exploited BDSM to justify their behavior. How would you feel if that was all that vanilla people talked about when they talked about when they talked about BDSM?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 7:58:36 PM

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What if both the abusive wife beater and the person being abused both actually believed that they were participating in BDSM?

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 8:03:57 PM

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Not sure what that had to do with her post.

She did say that was about the negative aspects of poly, while there are positive aspects for other people.

She talked about how she felt, only.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 8:14:49 PM

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I do plainly state "...it may well be because you only ever here the bad stories"... Otherwise..yes, most of the problem I have with poly has to do with my own character flaws...I am sure there are many longstanding and happy poly families but I know me..I would be miserable and very likely make the other 2 miserable.

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 8:16:43 PM

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And if someone made a post about the negative aspects of homosexuality in explaining why they aren't homosexual?

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 8:20:04 PM

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Then that's their right as long as they are saying it's their experience or thoughts and not facts unless they can give real hard evidence for those facts.

Personally my experiences of poly have been the exact same thing as what TMK mentioned.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 8:59:08 PM

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So... people cheating on their partners and then dumping them when they find one they like better.

How is this different from monogamy?

These aren't even the negative aspects of polyamory. They're the negative aspects of people in general that you are, for some reason, attaching to polyamory. The only difference with polyamory is that it's a little more obvious what's happening and a little bit easier to pull off. But if someone is the type of person to use polyamory in that fashion, they're going to do the exact same thing in a monogamous relationship.

Your personally experiences of poly have been the exact same thing? Sure, I see it all the time. But I see it just as much in monogamy. So... what does any of this even have to do with polyamory?

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 9:05:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
I am competitive by nature...being put into a household where I would constantly be making sure I was not "losing" would be like work...

That, of course, is totally understandable. But I gotta tell you that in my vague notions of what a third might look like in our marriage not one of them looked like what you're describing and. Honestly, that'd be pretty horrific from my side as the dom also. I guess if I ever do stumble across a suitable unicorn I'll find out if my vague notions are right but folks like Knight & his family give me hope that it needn't be the image you have in your head.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 9:06:07 PM

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I realize that most guys are drawn to polyamory because they just want to fuck around and cheat see it as an excuse to do so. It's the same with women, although they're less transparent about it.

Personally, I became polyamorous because I was completely and totally disgusted with what I saw in monogamy and rejected it, and part of that was the exact same things you guys are saying about polyamory. I didn't even have a desire to have multiple relationships at the time, I just couldn't see why I'd want to stop someone I loved from having multiple relationships if they wanted to. My first polyamorous relationship involved me encouraging my girlfriend to seek another relationship and her finding one.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 9:07:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
... but folks like Knight & his family give me hope that it needn't be the image you have in your head.

They are a very rare family, in my perspective.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 9:11:46 PM

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Fast reply

I have yet to hear of any example of a longstanding happy poly family except for Knight of Mist's family.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 9:23:21 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

Fast reply

I have yet to hear of any example of a longstanding happy poly family except for Knight of Mist's family.

And how much exposure do you have to it outside of this website? I mean, this website isn't even a great example of BDSM, let alone polyamory.

Try the forums at this dating site:

polymatchmaker.com

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 9:24:35 PM

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Most poly people aren't even kinky.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 9:25:56 PM

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Yeah, have to say I've been around in real life and online poly and Knight's is the only one I have ever seen last more than 3 years.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/27/2013 9:32:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

Fast reply

I have yet to hear of any example of a longstanding happy poly family except for Knight of Mist's family.

And how much exposure do you have to it outside of this website? I mean, this website isn't even a great example of BDSM, let alone polyamory.

Try the forums at this dating site:

polymatchmaker.com

Here, Fet, and some offline BDSM friends. In the offline circle of folks, I haven't seen a poly relationship last more than a few years (under 5).

Is polymatchmaker.com like Match.com only for poly? I often wonder what Match's long term success rate is. I know a LOT of folks who have used it, and one married couple who met on Match. Not a huge success rate. According to OnlinePersonalsWatch, in 2009, 1 in 1369 dates lead to marriage on Match. If PolyMatch is on par with Match, I'll contend that KoM's family is a rare success, indeed.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)

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