RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant?

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/1/2014 6:23:47 PM

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quote:

She will be the first that says someone has crossed the line, because they couldn't mind read.

Ok. You obviously didn't read my OP, or the rest of the thread. Otherwise you would realize that this isn't "gee, your profile is cute, let's go have coffee". I'm talking about meeting after lengthy lifestyle communication.

< Message edited by Blonderfluff -- 2/1/2014 6:26:14 PM >

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/1/2014 6:30:02 PM

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Dom input here.

When I first started, it was tricky. I had been conditioned by society to be a nice guy. And yet, I craved to control. When first starting off, it's not easy to get the balance between the two.

I still don't get it quite right sometimes. But that's okay. I do as I think I should, and some women would think I'm too aggressive, and some would think I'm too wussy.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/1/2014 6:35:58 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Dom input here.

When I first started, it was tricky. I had been conditioned by society to be a nice guy. And yet, I craved to control. When first starting off, it's not easy to get the balance between the two.

I still don't get it quite right sometimes. But that's okay. I do as I think I should, and some women would think I'm too aggressive, and some would think I'm too wussy.

Thanks for your Dom input, Steven!! You rock.

Ok. You can go back behind the couch now.

Good boy.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/1/2014 7:55:26 PM

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This might get good!!! Heh

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant?ua - 2/2/2014 12:34:09 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

On the other hand, how many posts do we see from women who come back from a first meet pissed because the guy assumed that as she's submissive, she will automatically submit to him? In many ways it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't thing.

He has to take control while not coming off as an asshole

Here I disagree. Dominance and confidence do not equal "asshole". I am not talking about wanting him to "Insta-Dom". I talking about being confident, in control. NOT jumping into a dynamic. Taking my hand with confidence is not me "submitting".

I guess it might not occur to you that even Dominant men could be nervous about meeting someone. You are really being judgemental.
I have met some men who seemed slightly hesitant, but I just knew it was because they were excited to meet me. I do not judge a mans dominance by a first meeting, since I am not his submissive yet.

You might be missing out on someone great if your expectations are too high for a first meet. I don't dare if you had lengthy lifestyle conversations or phone sex. Things are different when you meet face to face.

Personally, I do not have those kinds of conversations till after we meet. Why get worked up if there is no chemistry in person?

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/2/2014 12:36:20 AM >

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant?ua - 2/2/2014 12:51:55 AM

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I think it's like so many relationships. It's about communication.

I'm going to have to go into some detail, here.

I've met ladies on this site and I've met ladies on non-kink sites. I almost always plan a 20-30 minute "coffee date" for a first meeting. I find that to be best so you don't have to waste a whole day finding out if you even want to spend a two hour dinner with a person.

On some of these first dates, we've gone as far as me, smacking her ass (fully clothed) for "mis-behaving". Of course, on some, 20 minutes was too long.

The difference is being (part) Irish, I was blessed with the gift of gab and I am not in the least bit shy. I am completely open and honest about who, what, and how I am on this site and on non-kink sites (Anyone that wants to test that can ask me for my profile name on OKCupid).

Firstly; once I open up, most ladies will do the same and we can start to see just how compatible we might be.

So, for example, we're sitting and having coffee and she might say: "So ... you're dominant but not sadistic. I don't get it?" or we might have already talked about that.

A lady from a non-kink site might say something like: "I don't get it. Your profile says you're a dominant but you're so nice!"

Either way that will start the ball rolling. I should mention that when someone first contacts me, I make sure I ask if they've read my entire profile. My profile contains several deal breakers so, chances are, if we're meeting face-to-face, she already knows that I have a proclivity for taking the lead.

Good luck,

Michael

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 3:52:05 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subinatrix

Does this notion of over cautious work in reverse? What about a sub who can not talk the talk online, who only opens up in person. Who hesitates thru analysis, and makes it seem impossible for a Dom to get past the initial emails. While the Top might be cautious of being trapped by unscrupulous persons like smileforme50 mentioned, she is over cautious of vulgar men who can lie well.

What about the sub who is like a fawn, do they stand a chance to keeping a Dom's interest? Or is there a thread that talks about this side already?

I once met a sub who was fairly subdued online. We met in my local bar, got a drink and without further ado he dropped to his knees and loudly proclaimed, 'I am here to serve you Mistress and I'll do whatever you want'. Was I overly cautious with a guy like this? you bet!

I was also overly cautions with the Italian sub I met online and who I skyped with for weeks before meeting. When I met him at the airport, all 4ft of him, I had to ask myself why he decided not to tell me he was a midget.

I always say, talk as much as you want online, on the phone and on skype, its only when I meet someone in person that I know within seconds if we are going to gel. If we don't gel, then either of us could be seen as being overly cautious, when in fact the reality is, we are backing off because its not going to happen.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 5:43:05 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I always say, talk as much as you want online, on the phone and on skype, its only when I meet someone in person that I know within seconds if we are going to gel. If we don't gel, then either of us could be seen as being overly cautious, when in fact the reality is, we are backing off because its not going to happen.

I can either feel the dominant energy, or I can't. You can't manufacture it. Himself is a great example of someone who doesn't come across like the average dominant, b/c he's not. But spend a little time with him and you find a remarkable intelligence, a great sense of humor, and a deep confidence in who he is. I find that very yummy.

It's the same on the other side of the kneel. I can feel the sub energy or I can't.

I consider all this part of 'chemistry.'

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 5:48:38 AM

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CP. That is exactly what I was trying to convey, and you said it very well.
If He doesn't give off that little buzz, hum of D energy, I am just not going to be interested in him. It's not a judgment thing. It's a chemistry thing!!!

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 6:09:55 AM

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You are correct. Doms are not "hesitant". This does not mean they grab you and beat you but it does mean they will take your hand without hesitation and it also means they will take your hair, bend your head back gently and give you a leg pop kiss without permission although they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 6:18:56 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

You are correct. Doms are not "hesitant". This does not mean they grab you and beat you but it does mean they will take your hand without hesitation and it also means they will take your hair, bend your head back gently and give you a leg pop kiss without permission although they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

Providing there is chemistry!

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 6:27:45 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

You are correct. Doms are not "hesitant". This does not mean they grab you and beat you but it does mean they will take your hand without hesitation and it also means they will take your hair, bend your head back gently and give you a leg pop kiss without permission although they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

Providing there is chemistry!

...they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

A Dom is confident and knowing and acts or does not with a purpose. If there is no "chemistry" they do not act and do not act without hesitation.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 2/2/2014 6:30:13 AM >

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:03:24 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

You are correct. Doms are not "hesitant". This does not mean they grab you and beat you but it does mean they will take your hand without hesitation and it also means they will take your hair, bend your head back gently and give you a leg pop kiss without permission although they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

Providing there is chemistry!

...they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

A Dom is confident and knowing and acts or does not with a purpose. If there is no "chemistry" they do not act and do not act without hesitation.

Actually.... this is the very thing that gets Doms a bad name.
It's called being an asshat and over-reaching personal boundaries - chemistry or otherwise.

"but it does mean they will take your hand without hesitation and it also means they will take your hair, bend your head back gently and give you a leg pop kiss without permission although they will know already they can do this and you will like it"
How fucking presumtuous and RUDE!!!
No, it's not a "Dom" thing.
It might be your thing living in the fantasy land of Gor, but it's definitely not a Dom thing.

If you tried that with my OH, even if she liked it, you'd get a swift kick in the nuts and be reported for personal assault.

(in reply to Arturas)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:06:31 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

If I were dating vanilla, then this would be absolutely true. However. Prior to meeting, there would have been lengthy emails, texts and phone conversations about wants, needs and limits. We would BOTH be aware that this was NOT a vanilla first meet.

Lengthy emails, texts, and in-depth conversations may not necessarily may a guy feel safe. There was a case where a doctoral Columbia student was convicted and sent to prison even though he had alot of emails and messages that he had exchanged with this woman where she expicitly discussed what she wanted to do. Inspite of that, he was tried, convicted, and ended up in prison. Even though the case was eventually overturned on appeal several years later, he served time and was even harmed in prison by someone who cut his neck with a knife. So I give men a little slack for not being mind readers because no matter how explicit and detailed the discussions and emails were beforehand, how does a man really know how the submissive will react to what he does when play starts? WIIWD has alot of inherent risk for both partners. We tend to focus on the risk for the submissives because usually that implies more of a physical risk, but that does not remove the fact that the Dominant also faces serious risk on many different levels.

I've put a link here about Jovanovic case. I usually don't like to use Wikipedia as a source, but in this case, I think it provides a concise summary.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/People_v._Jovanovic

< Message edited by AislynLass -- 2/2/2014 7:07:08 AM >

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:19:46 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

A Dom is confident and knowing and acts or does not with a purpose. If there is no "chemistry" they do not act and do not act without hesitation.

What the fuck? For the love of god, tell me you're being ironic.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:32:12 AM

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quote:

the Dominant also faces serious risk on many different levels

Thank you. Yes. We are human and make bad calls sometimes and wisdom, knowledge, charm, confidence and amazing good looks and modesty do not guarantee success or completely remove risk.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:32:35 AM

Kana

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quote:

When I first started, it was tricky. I had been conditioned by society to be a nice guy. And yet, I craved to control. When first starting off, it's not easy to get the balance between the two.

Agreed-Hence my comment that the "dom"may simply be new

quote:

I still don't get it quite right sometimes. But that's okay. I do as I think I should, and some women would think I'm too aggressive, and some would think I'm too wussy.

Nah-I'm just me.Nothing more.Nothing less. As long as I stay true to that, I can't do wrong.
Now that doesn't mean she's gonna necessarily like me, but as long as I'm self honest in who and what I am, I'm getting the meet 100% correct.
I do like Daddy Satyr,always meet for coffee first.Lots less pressure,if either party has compunctions they can bail right quick. If things work out for the better,I always choose coffee shops with a nice restaurant nearby,move on to dinner,then,ahem,perhaps dessert.
As for being nervous,not so much. When I was new-oh hell yes.I remember being all nerves a jangle. Somewhere along the line though I realized that my task is to be me, show myself in sooth,and it's her task to sell me on her.
That took lots of the weight off.
She's a prospective slave. Why would I ever have be in fear of/from her?
Thus no need for nerves.
After all,she is the one considering moi for a dominant-aka, if there's anyone scared at this table,it dang well should be the one with a cunt.

But I will say this. For me, and this is just me, the hardest moment is usually when I lean in for that first kiss. I think I've read the vibes correctly,properly interpreted the signals sent (Note there's not always a need for this. First gal I met from CM was blowing me from her knees in the parking lot twenty minutes post meet.I didn't have to wonder anything bout her. She was real clear about her needs that night)? Or am I about to blow something that could be nice by jumping the gun?
Yeah, that's pretty much the most awkward moment of an interaction for me. I can vacillate on that shit all night. So instead I usually just go for it and let the chips fall where they may.I'd rather go out with guns blazing than a whimper. At least that way I don't hafta second guess myself down the road

quote:

...they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

A Dom is confident and knowing and acts or does not with a purpose. If there is no "chemistry" they do not act and do not act without hesitation

And this is a fiction thing. Doms are freaking human. We ain't omniscient.We ain't psychic. We don't read freaking minds. We fuck up on a regular basis and run, do not walk, from any lunatic who claims otherwise
Dom or not, I'm frequently uncertain. No big deal. That's why I take actions-to either prove or disprove my lack of certainty.
See comments above re first kiss for a case in point.
Dunno bout anyone else, but I hesitate all the time...because ya know,fools rush in where angels fear to tread.I stop and think things through.When in doubt,hit pause. Take my time coming to a decision I'm comfortable with. Then I move, action commences.
This happens because I'm a flipping responsible and mature human being who tries to make rational decisions wherever possible. Especially when said decisions are important.More so when they affect another parties health,mental state of being and stability.
But never hesitating? Yeah,there's a word for that too.It's called headstrong. Other equally descriptive words are foolhardy, rash, brash, irresponsible and how about dangerous.
Macho posturing is such BS

< Message edited by Kana -- 2/2/2014 7:57:42 AM >

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:33:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

A Dom is confident and knowing and acts or does not with a purpose. If there is no "chemistry" they do not act and do not act without hesitation.

What the fuck? For the love of god, tell me you're being ironic.

Knowing when not to act "without hesitation", without being wishy washy, is a Dom thing.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:40:46 AM

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quote:

First gal I met from CM was blowing me from her knees in the parking lot twenty minutes post meet.I didn't have to wonder anything bout her.

We have all had those meetings but generally speaking they don't go that way and so I don't look for it to happen and neither do I start it down that path. I am very satisfied with her charming smile and her hand and perhaps even her hair in my hand and her head bent gently back exposing her moist waiting lips and soft exposed neck in that ancient and traditional way of signifying submission. It left her wanting more and ready to meet me again.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:42:27 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

A Dom is confident and knowing and acts or does not with a purpose. If there is no "chemistry" they do not act and do not act without hesitation.

What the fuck? For the love of god, tell me you're being ironic.

Knowing when not to act "without hesitation", without being wishy washy, is a Dom thing.

No it's not.

It's a wisdom and experience thing that is as true in non D/s relationships as it is in D/s ones. It has fuck all to do with being a Dom.

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