RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant?

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:44:04 AM

Arturas

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I am afraid, gentlemen, that we have taken too much of these ladies time here in their thread.
My apologies.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:48:00 AM

thursdays

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:50:03 AM

Arturas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

A Dom is confident and knowing and acts or does not with a purpose. If there is no "chemistry" they do not act and do not act without hesitation.

What the fuck? For the love of god, tell me you're being ironic.

Knowing when not to act "without hesitation", without being wishy washy, is a Dom thing.

No it's not.

It's a wisdom and experience thing that is as true in non D/s relationships as it is in D/s ones. It has fuck all to do with being a Dom.

I like the first part. The second part forgets that men do not have to be in a D/s relationship to be a Dom. Try not to compete with me unless you like losing.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 7:51:52 AM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas
I am afraid, gentlemen, that we have taken too much of these ladies time here in their thread.
My apologies.

Speak for yourself Arty!

The rest of us don't live in cloud-cuckoo land where your sort of behaviour is considered normal as a "Dom" thing.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 8:01:32 AM

crazyml

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Bless you! You think this is a competition now?

If you're not in a D/s relationship you're not a "Dom" in the context of every fucking discussion on this site.

Even if your specious objection stood, knowing when to act or not to has nothing whatsoever to do with being "Dom", and it is deeply stupid to assert that it does.

Ah... still chuckling over your "competition" remark.

Thanks for giving me a laugh.

[ETA]

Ok... I typed in haste, laughing too much.

While it's surely wrong to say "If you're not in a D/s relationship you're not a "Dom" in the context of every fucking discussion on this site." The objection is still risible.

< Message edited by crazyml -- 2/2/2014 8:02:54 AM >

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 8:30:01 AM

DesFIP

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And how many times have you met someone, come home wanting to see them again and been refused? Just because you feel chemistry doesn't mean the other person does.

You still need to use your words to find that out. But obviously, talking instead of being a caveman and just grabbing her, is way too hesitant.

Of course, if you do just grab her, you could easily be charged with assault.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 8:33:45 AM

MariaB

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

You are correct. Doms are not "hesitant". This does not mean they grab you and beat you but it does mean they will take your hand without hesitation and it also means they will take your hair, bend your head back gently and give you a leg pop kiss without permission although they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

Providing there is chemistry!

...they will know already they can do this and you will like it. It's the Dom thing.

A Dom is confident and knowing and acts or does not with a purpose. If there is no "chemistry" they do not act and do not act without hesitation.

Any new relationship has to establish itself first and although those considerations may start online, meeting in the flesh, as I mentioned in my first post, may have you or her/him changing their mind. Many of us have had immediate come-ons from a submissive but certainly not from every submissive we meet. I don't believe all submissives are alike and therefore, the way I am may not be the way they like.

I have to ask you Arturas, are you just a dominant? because from the way you express yourself you don't sound like a leader. Clearly the two don't have to go hand in hand. Lots of Doms out their but very few that have the ability to lead. I would of said that a leader is more likely to use that little gift we call 'intuition' and intuition may, as Kana pointed out, make us pause and take stock. In certain situations, being hesitant isn't a weakness, its actually a strength.

Lets say I meet up with a submissive who then proceeds to tell me about what a bitch his ex Domme was. Should I be hesitant? Wouldn't being hesitant be the most natural thing in the world to any human being who is suddenly faced with something that rings an alarm bell? or should I just top this submissive anyway? (I get the impression that's what you would do). Because I'm neither hungry to or desperate to to top someone, I am more than happy to take things more slowly with ^ such a person.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 8:47:50 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff
If He doesn't give off that little buzz, hum of D energy, I am just not going to be interested in him. It's not a judgment thing. It's a chemistry thing!!!

I dunno, Blonderfluff. I wasn't a fly on the wall for any of your dates, so maybe I would have seen the situations exactly the same way you do. No idea. But from the evidence I have, which is posts you've written that I've read, you're not in a strong position here. Your Positive Experience thread ended with the guy treating you, and the relationship, in a way contrary to your ethics and hard limits. Yet here you are, talking about the great importance of first-meet-off-the-internet chemistry, and disagreeing with sub and switch women in successful long-term relationships when those women are trying to give you advice.

I think there's a pretty good chance that you are defending your right to use criteria to choose a Master for Tonight, even though you claim to be searching for a Master for Life. You do realize that Love at First Sight doesn't happen often, right? And that Kana, with whom you agreed so strongly, knew his sub literally for years as a friend only with "no" chemistry, before they decided to go for it? Do you think the classic suggestion "Friends First" is terrible advice?

Bottom line for me: you seem to be interested primarily in an experience where you are swept off your feet like a young girl having her first romantic and sexual experience. And, well, fine. But a man with a history of monogamy -- say just one or two long term relationships in his life -- is going to have less practice dating than someone who has dated lots of women. So if you're hunting for one final life relationship, it might even be appropriate to see "got game" almost as a red flag, instead of something you need as a mandatory.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 8:55:48 AM

JstAnotherSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

First gal I met from CM was blowing me from her knees in the parking lot twenty minutes post meet.I didn't have to wonder anything bout her.

We have all had those meetings but generally speaking they don't go that way and so I don't look for it to happen and neither do I start it down that path. I am very satisfied with her charming smile and her hand and perhaps even her hair in my hand and her head bent gently back exposing her moist waiting lips and soft exposed neck in that ancient and traditional way of signifying submission. It left her wanting more and ready to meet me again.

You should really consider writing some books. I see Fabio on the cover, barechested, with a wench clinging to him as her ivory breasts glisten with sweat in anticipation of his touch to her .........you know.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 8:57:03 AM

ARIES83

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Great thread. This would have been awesome to link to that guy not so long ago... Remember that "friend zone" post.

"No puppy dog looks when your dominating."
Will have to remember that one!

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 9:02:12 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
But a man with a history of monogamy -- say just one or two long term relationships in his life -- is going to have less practice dating than someone who has dated lots of women. So if you're hunting for one final life relationship, it might even be appropriate to see "got game" almost as a red flag, instead of something you need as a mandatory.

QFT.

Players are going to exude that false confidence. If that's what you use as a litmus test, then you need a new test. Because right now you're picking only the guys who aren't interested in a ltr.

The only common denominator in all your relationships is you.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 9:09:44 AM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

Have you found this often? For me, it is a huge turn-off. Makes me dry up to a dust bowl. :(
Any opinions on WHY this brand of Dom is so hesitantly pleading with his eyes for your acquiescence?

More times than not. When I was still seeking, most of the men would show up with clammy hands, stuttering, could barely talk to me and like you said, deferential. It was like I intimidated them and I don't know why. I never understood it. Maybe it's because I never went into a meeting someone being all nervous and stuff. It was just a coffee. What's to be nervous about?

So no it's not just you and I have never really figured out why they are like that. I would just finish my coffee, get up, thank them for the coffee but I feel we're incompatible and then leave. I never stuck around long to torment myself further lol.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 9:31:34 AM

orgasmdenial12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff
Don't ASK permission like a 'nilla metrosexual guy. If I wanted that, THEY are easy to find.

I expect every partner I have to ask me for my for permission. It's called consent. It doesn't matter whether they're a Dom, a date, a friend, a nilla or anyone else, they don't touch me without asking.

If I wanted some pushy, lechy guy grabbing at me without asking then there's plenty of those hanging round the wanky corner at play parties. The men I date have enough class, confidence and security to ask if it's okay to hold my hand, and to keep on being interested even if I say no... for now. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Sometimes Dom men can't do right for doing wrong. If they assume you're going to submit to them on a first date, they get slated for it and if they don't, they get accused of not being Dom.

If you're looking for an instant submission dynamic, then perhaps make that clear to them, so that they know you want to be dominated by people you've only just met. For the rest of us, it's hands off unless I say so.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 9:41:46 AM

JstAnotherSub

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~FR~

I cannot imagine being upset about a man not acting the way I think he should on a first meet. Until the first meet, you know nothing about them, no matter how many emails and such are exchanged.

How he acts in person is who he is, any expectations you have placed on him before meeting him is on you, not him.

I guess that is why, if someone can't meet for at least coffee within a couple of weeks, I move along. Chemistry is something that, for me, is only felt in person. No amount of typing or talking on the phone can take the place of that, for me anyhow.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 10:05:08 AM

Spiritedsub2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I can either feel the dominant energy, or I can't. You can't manufacture it. Himself is a great example of someone who doesn't come across like the average dominant, b/c he's not. But spend a little time with him and you find a remarkable intelligence, a great sense of humor, and a deep confidence in who he is. I find that very yummy.

It's the same on the other side of the kneel. I can feel the sub energy or I can't.

I consider all this part of 'chemistry.'

After reading this thread, I believe that what CP wrote above sums up what Blonderfluff is getting at in her post. Although many of you are judging her for looking for instant domination or instant "player" dynamic, I don't think that is what she is saying. I think all she wants to perceive from the man is the confirmation that his nature is dominant, not vanilla. I am with her on that. Certainly I would reject instant domination, non-consent, game-player behavior, but I want to be certain I'm not spending time exploring a potential relationship with a vanilla man. I've had many of those and I don't want any more. Maybe OP feels like that.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 10:54:49 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

He knew what was okay. He just didn't have the courage to TAKE it.

This is one of the things that separates successful Dominants to unsuccessful ones. The courage to act!

Many talk the talk and even some do so with eloquence and confidence ... But few walk that talk with same eloquence and confidence and achieve desired results.

It's the difference of knowing what you know and being able to apply what you know to a successful end.

Regardless if you take your time or rush into it. Listening to the talk is not going to show you one who has the courage to act. It's watching how they walk and where they are a walking!

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 11:30:07 AM

DesFIP

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But it isn't okay to just take it until she consents. And just because you've talked a lot before meeting doesn't mean that you're already in a dynamic.

More importantly, doing it the way she does has a proven history of failure for the op. If you don't want a Insta-dom, then don't demand they dominate you on a first meet.

If you want someone who has a history of long term relationships only, then don't expect them to be good at beginning a relationship, because they're 20 years out of practice doing that. The people who get a lot of practice on first dates aren't the same ones in a long term relationship.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 12:22:45 PM

Blonderfluff

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I can either feel the dominant energy, or I can't. You can't manufacture it. Himself is a great example of someone who doesn't come across like the average dominant, b/c he's not. But spend a little time with him and you find a remarkable intelligence, a great sense of humor, and a deep confidence in who he is. I find that very yummy.

It's the same on the other side of the kneel. I can feel the sub energy or I can't.

I consider all this part of 'chemistry.'

After reading this thread, I believe that what CP wrote above sums up what Blonderfluff is getting at in her post. Although many of you are judging her for looking for instant domination or instant "player" dynamic, I don't think that is what she is saying. I think all she wants to perceive from the man is the confirmation that his nature is dominant, not vanilla. I am with her on that. Certainly I would reject instant domination, non-consent, game-player behavior, but I want to be certain I'm not spending time exploring a potential relationship with a vanilla man. I've had many of those and I don't want any more. Maybe OP feels like that.

THANK YOU. Yes. I have been thinking about how to better articulate what I meant in my OP,since there seemed to such a disconnect from my post to some of the responses. Although some did not really pertain to what I was saying and asking, they were valid points for THIER interpretation.

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 12:23:29 PM

AlphaFemsRule

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Sorry Blonderfluff, but I still disagree. You want him to be in control but you don't want him to assume he has the right to control you until after you get into a dynamic. So what you're really saying, is that if you think he's hot, then he should take control. But if you don't, then you don't want him to.

I agree with this.

Blonderfluff has a completely valid frustration (as we all do, in our own ways) - but I think the cause is based more on unrealistic expectations than any behavioral shortcoming on the Dom's part. And by unrealistic expectations, I'm not referring to the desire to be taken without permission (that makes sense), I'm talking about skipping over reasonable steps to get there such that both parties involved aren't preoccupied with legitimate concerns that supersede sexual interest.

I mean, the internet is great at facilitating communication, but not necessarily chemistry. Real life meetups are meant to determine if the former can lead to the later - rather than just assuming it can and operating from that assumption.

FWIW, I find that by treating any online interaction as potential rather than actual helps with this all-too-common problem.

< Message edited by AlphaFemsRule -- 2/2/2014 12:24:59 PM >

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/2/2014 12:28:51 PM

Blonderfluff

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quote:

Blonderfluff has a completely valid frustration (as we all do, in our own ways) - but I think the cause is based more on unrealistic expectations

Nope. No unrealistic expectations here. Just do not want to settle for a relationship that may end up more vanilla than I am willing to accept. My expectations are that I will have to meet many men in order to find that one that resonates with the D energy that I am attracted to.

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