RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant?

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RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 4:38:56 PM

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
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Exactly, unless you have had extensive conversation with said sub, especially for a man, one would be hesitant unless there were some sort of prearranged agreements about limits. Limits should ALWAYS come into question even before height and weight so then you know you won't end up doing "too much, too soon". Being hesitant while trying to "feel someone out" isn't necessarily a sign of weakness but rather chivalry.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

After decades of being told to stifle any dominant inclinations by society, custom, and relatives it takes a pattern of trust to let the side out that leaves bruises, bite marks, and keeps floggers in the ottoman.

After decades of "sexual harassment training" opening up to a person on true wants and desires at a first meeting is not extremely likely. The legal ramifications of being sexually aggressive are a bit intimidating.

And there is such a thing as negotiations and finding if desires are compatible.

Yeah, I'm a hesitant dom.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to MercTech)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 4:40:23 PM

Posts: 437
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From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
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OP, it is impossible for anyone to tell you what's going on here without having shared your experiences.

You may have met some guys who are full of shit or don't know what a Dom actually is.

It may also be true that your "Dom Energy meter" is off and needs to be recalibrated.

What I can tell you is this. Be careful about rejecting people for hesitancy. It might seem like a red flag, but a lack of hesitancy is a much bigger red flag. Becoming someone's Dom is a huge responsibility to undertake, and any sane person should be at least somewhat hesitant when faced with the idea of having that kind of power over another. Anyone who is so confident in their domliness that they never come off as hesitant is way too over-confident to actually be a Dom. D/s is very serious stuff, and a Dom that makes a mistake can break his sub. And you have to find out what your sub's limits are before you can start pushing them safely. It might be nice to have someone with storybook confidence come and sweep you off your feet, but it's a sign that they're not taking their role as Dom seriously enough. Don't mistake confidence for dominance.

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 5:49:49 PM

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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger
What I can tell you is this. Be careful about rejecting people for hesitancy. It might seem like a red flag, but a lack of hesitancy is a much bigger red flag. Becoming someone's Dom is a huge responsibility to undertake, and any sane person should be at least somewhat hesitant when faced with the idea of having that kind of power over another.

OK, I find this amusing given the things I was just accused of, but I disagree. She likes what she likes. I can't think of a single sane reason to not reject someone who doesn't give off the right vibes... whatever those are. In the end she wasn't looking for someone to do TPE with on day one. She just wanted someone who wasn't tentative about basic stuff like hand holding or was OK operating within whatever pre-established agreements might be there. It's hard for me to find a "red flag" in that anywhere.

For the record, I don't know what "A Dom actually is". I know I've met lots of different people with lots of different viewpoints on that. I know that some women think of me that way and others do not. I doubt there's any cookie cutter answer to that.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 6:19:55 PM

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From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
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Nothing you just said disagreed with what I said.

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 6:55:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
, "Thank god I'm not a BDSM dominant so I don't need to measure up to some arbitrary woman's fantasy." My own history shows that I form deep and long-lasting relationships. So I'd be risking everything I value for a quick bit of faux dominance. No thanks.

Is that why you lost your MasterCard... again?
sunshine,
faux submissive
and
totally unreal babe

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 8:45:42 PM

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Looks pretty clear that what the OP wants to see is confidence. I don't think confidence and dominance are the same thing, but dominance does require a certain amount of confidence. I suspect that she'd be fine with a guy asking if he can hold her hand, if he asked confidently, with an expectation that she'd say yes, simply making room for her to say no, rather than hesitantly.

I don't think people who are not immediately confident should be ruled out as not being dominant, they may be dominant as can be once they are comfortable with the situation. But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with requiring that sort of quick confidence in a partner. We ll have our preferences.

(in reply to RareByrd)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 8:53:36 PM

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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
Is that why you lost your MasterCard... again?

Almost certainly it was all my hesitation and uncertainty :) Either that or I failed to make my payments.

More seriously I used our interactions as a lens to consider my answer to this thread. I think "hesitant" is a perfectly valid word to describe things given a certain viewpoint which I'm pretty sure the OP has. (and for the sake of the audience, we are friends not lover and there's no established dynamic between us other than what our two personalities bring to the table).

Shouldn't you be getting ready to be all fabulous and whatnot?

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 2/13/2014 9:19:23 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 9:13:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

each and every woman I've met as a result of first meeting long distance has been perfectly fine by me, and I by them (and that's a rather wide understatement). This is due to the open and honest depth and style of our exchanges,

Sorry, but no. It is a necessary but NOT sufficient condition for things to go well in person.

I've had open and honest communications with everyone I've ever met in person, prior to meeting. As has sexyred1, I've had multiple experiences where someone was not at all what I expected in person, and I wasn't interested in continuing, even if I had been totally into the person before meeting.

For example, sometimes people smell bad to me. Not poor hygiene, not bad cologne, just their natural smell turns me OFF.

Once you've had even one of these experiences, you understand why agreeing to leap into sex before so much as saying hi is a bad, bad, bad idea.

(edited for punctuation)

< Message edited by RareByrd -- 2/13/2014 9:14:38 PM >

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 9:59:04 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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All miss fluff asked in her OP, to bring it down to a few quick words: no puppy dog eyes begging, no hesitation at holding her hand at the restaurant table, coffee place. Act like a grown up NOT like a kid out on his first date fumbling along without a clue. There, simple. As we say in French canadian: POINT. FINAL. BATON. criss de caliq

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/13/2014 10:38:46 PM

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RareByrd

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

each and every woman I've met as a result of first meeting long distance has been perfectly fine by me, and I by them (and that's a rather wide understatement). This is due to the open and honest depth and style of our exchanges,

Sorry, but no. It is a necessary but NOT sufficient condition for things to go well in person.

I've had open and honest communications with everyone I've ever met in person, prior to meeting. As has sexyred1, I've had multiple experiences where someone was not at all what I expected in person, and I wasn't interested in continuing, even if I had been totally into the person before meeting.

For example, sometimes people smell bad to me. Not poor hygiene, not bad cologne, just their natural smell turns me OFF.

Once you've had even one of these experiences, you understand why agreeing to leap into sex before so much as saying hi is a bad, bad, bad idea.

(edited for punctuation)

I agree completely. First meetings are ALWAYS awkward, even hand holding can be if the chemistry on the phone or by email doesn't translate into real life.
Also there is a certain level of comfort you get with the faceless chat to where you can actually imagine the person on the other line sounding like the voice rather than they truly are. (Some people tell me I sound like a small asian woman) but I'm actually a rather tall and svelte West Indian femme. (One of the dangers of waiting too long before meeting).
A person may look nothing like their pictures, no matter how recent. One sub looked NOTHING like his pic and we had great chemistry on the phone. I pictured him taller, younger and more fit. It happens. Though his pics were probably dated.
You have to understand everyone is different and I act nothing like I do as a Domme in a vanilla setting so one can have a hard time changing gears when meeting someone for the first time. Sometimes I find myself acting very vanilla and sweet initially, and then eventually smirking devilishly.
Even when a prospective slave/sub gives favorable impression of being suitable for a Dom, anything can happen, people DO get cold feet, and this is a woman he's never met before.
I mean, just TRY to see it from a reasonable point of view that perhaps he was trying to be a gent and to warm up to the idea of "this person may be mine" rather than acting impulsively.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 2/13/2014 10:42:32 PM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to RareByrd)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 3:17:42 AM

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Joined: 7/27/2013
Status: offline

Smile for me

I think for a lot of guys (ok...I could be wrong....) ....but I think for a lot of guys, even true Dominants, they are still influenced by the expectations and "rules" in vanilla society, and they are just trying to be careful. I agree that reaching over and taking your hand without asking first is not only acceptable but a real turn-on, but I think a lot of men are just trying to be careful to not be accused of sexual assault.

Yeah I know that taking the woman's hand without asking her first isn't sexual assault, but ever since the acceptance of the concept of "date rape", men need to be very careful about what they do. There are still a lot of women out there who might misinterpret what the man may consider to be a completely innocent gesture.

These Dominant men may be true Dominants through and through, but until they get to know a woman face-to-face (because we all know how different someone's "in person" can be from their "online") they may feel it necessary to play it close to the vest. I don't blame them. Personally I never have a lot of expectations for the first couple of meetings, but if this hesitation goes on for too long, then I will lose interest.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

not only this but
Even with Lifestyle the same thing apply.you cant just blind gag & whip someone.
Its not good for the relationship as a whole...if the Dom/Mistress Etc. Is alittle timid you sholdve told them your limits/peeves beforehand...

_______________________________________
Are we...awake?

(in reply to GoddessManko)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 7:15:24 PM

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Hi, I'm new around here, so forgive me if I say something that rubs someone the wrong way.

Oops, does apologizing make me submissive? So sorry. Oh shit, I did it again! Sorry. Oh crap!

Now, was I being submissive in saying that? Do you take those as words of supplication?

Well, you should not.

I think it would be good as part of this discussion to separate the notions of dominance from those of aggression. Certainly someone can be dominant without being aggressive all of the time. For the submissive who is anxiously waiting for the dom to "take action" this can be confusing, disconcerting, and disheartening because they are expecting an aggressive dominant to take control, grab the bull by the horns and the tits by the nipples. More than expect – they require it.

But you know, folks, not all of us who are dominant are built the same way. We don't all wear our testosterone on our sleeves. (BTW, is there a bigger pain in the ass than someone with dom disease?)

There are those of us, dominants that is, who are such without being overly aggressive about it. It may seem as if we are being polite, deferential, hesitant, reluctant, passive, or inept. But realize that while some might be, others are not.

Those who know me well will tell you in a heartbeat that I may be a quiet man, seemingly harmless, and polite, but also that I am dominant to my core. I don't walk into a meeting, whip my cock out on the table, and challenge others to compare. Why? Because I don't have to. Those who know me know that when I walk into that meeting I'm going to take control of the room - but will do so demonstatively only if I want to - not because I "have to," not because I "need to," not because I can't keep myself from doing so. But because at that time and place I decide that I will do it that way. And if I don't make a show of it the last thing anyone should believe is that I haven't done it anyway.

Surely you remember that tired old BDSM joke: The masochist pleads. "Beat me. Beat me." And the sadist cooly replies, "No."

What? He's not a real sadist unless he beats the masochist? Is that what we're saying?

Think of a rock, a really big rock ... no think bigger ... no bigger still – you know, the kind where you're driving along a hilly countryside out West and you turn a corner and suddenly, right smack in front of you is the biggest god damn rock you've ever seen. I'm talking Rock of Gibraltar big. I'm talking blacking out the horizon big. I'm talking it's so damned big. It doesn't need a sign saying, "I am a damned big rock." So too it is, I think, with some dominants.

Think of a person who is that dominant – but won't show that to you one moment before he decides to. Need he show it 24/7? No, not at all. Why should he, he's the dominant. He will demonstrate that he is in control, that he has control, when he chooses to do so – when he feels you need to see that. But it would be a hell of a mistake to think that he is not in control, that he is not dominant, just because he is not slapping you around or making you bleed.

Now do not take this as ad hominem criticism because I love submissives. But I confess that I have met my fair share of submissive who seem to think that their mere presence and potential availability ought well be enough to motivate any dom to be aggressively dominant and toss her over his shoulder, throw her down on the torture table, and ravage her to within an inch of her sanity. Not all of course, but some that I have met.

To me that is the classic definition of "topping from the bottom." And by that I mean a submissive that expects me to do what she wants, be as she wants, when she wants, where she wants, and how she wants so that she can show her submission. Wow, talk about oxymoronic.

I might just look at that submissive and decide that I'm going to let her suffer. The nature of my dominance might be such that I want her to ask for it, to beg for it, to get down on her calloused and worn knees and crawl for it. I might want her to earn my dominance, to show me that she is worthy of my inflictions. Of course, it should go without saying that I also must show myself worthy of the gift she is about to give me. But still this is a 2-edged sword, and it cuts both ways.

And to think that in doing so I am not showing my dominance, well, seem somehow counterintuitive to the very notion of dominance. Excellent demonstrations of domination, at a very granular level, are seen in situations where you are being controlled and you don't even know it. Brute force is not the only measure of dominance. It might be physically stimulating, but strictly speaking, dominance is not only about the sensate experience. Nor even mostly about that. Dominance and submission, I believe, are about a state of existence, a state of mind. If a sub wants to be ravaged and that's her only criterion for domination, I make no value judgment about it. She would best seek out those who are aggressively dominant.

But if she wants to be dominated in ways that mere brute force cannot achieve, then it will require a higher order of dominance. And to my mind, at that level one is not less dominant, they are more so – much more so.

(in reply to youthinkso121)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 8:08:37 PM

Posts: 4547
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From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtnotharm
.

Think of a person who is that dominant – but won't show that to you one moment before he decides to. Need he show it 24/7? No, not at all. Why should he, he's the dominant. He will demonstrate that he is in control, that he has control, when he chooses to do so – when he feels you need to see that. But it would be a hell of a mistake to think that he is not in control, that he is not dominant, just because he is not slapping you around or making you bleed.

So, either the "on ur neez bithc. I iz ur dominate" form letter is exuding so much dominance they become so enamored that they no longer have wants, needs, likes and dislikes, simply becoming the human clay you wish to mold them into... Once you get around to it, or your harem is full of the psychic sub network and they already divined the uber Domly Dom creature you are, and a perfect fit for them... Once you get around to it.

Kudos
Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to hurtnotharm)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 8:29:54 PM

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no, it's a simple proposition, e.t.:

who controls you. you, or someone else?

once you establish that construct, all else flows.

you want to play caveman daddy dom, dazzling all the subbies with your brute force grab-them-by-the-hair domchismo because that is what is required of you? go for it.

btw, what exactly happened to the cavemen, anyway? how did that work out for them?

(oh, if no one has told you already, there's a big smear of T on your sleeve.)

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 8:39:24 PM

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From: Down the Shore
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Okay. I've not posted here in a few days (been a little ...busy), but I have read everyone's responses. Many of you understood exactly what I was saying. I did NOT say I wanted to be Dominated, whipped, flogged, or pushed to my knees on a first meet. Sheesh. Really?????
I was talking about what I NEED in a Man and a Dom. I need to feel that Dominant energy. For me, it is a palpable thing if He has it. If He doesn't, it's just been a nice first meet. That is MY standard. No matter how funny, smart, or well spoken he is, if he doesn't have IT, no amount of compatibility will make it work for me. I've tried it. Nope.
To those who took my OP to the extreme and lectured about Doms having to be careful blah blah. Meh. Yup. I get it. But that has NOTHING to do with what I was referring to.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to hurtnotharm)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 8:49:17 PM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtnotharm

no, it's a simple proposition, e.t.:

who controls you. you, or someone else?

once you establish that construct, all else flows.

you want to play caveman daddy dom, dazzling all the subbies with your brute force grab-them-by-the-hair domchismo because that is what is required of you? go for it.

btw, what exactly happened to the cavemen, anyway? how did that work out for them?

(oh, if no one has told you already, there's a big smear of T on your sleeve.)

Oh damn, you've found me out... Gloom, despair, agony unforeseen. Now that everyone knows I'm a fake, by your blinding insights, and razor sharp perception, I have no choice but to commit seppuku.

Mom isn't going to much care for the mess in the basement, but I'll leave a note for her to give all my books on BDSM and D for Dummies to RedMagic.

Sayonara
Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to hurtnotharm)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 9:44:24 PM

Posts: 2821
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From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

Oh damn, you've found me out... Gloom, despair, agony unforeseen. Now that everyone knows I'm a fake, by your blinding insights, and razor sharp perception, I have no choice but to commit seppuku.

Mom isn't going to much care for the mess in the basement, but I'll leave a note for her to give all my books on BDSM and D for Dummies to RedMagic.

Sayonara
Exiled

There's still time to jump the fence.

Just saying...

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 9:47:05 PM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

There's still time to jump the fence.

Just saying...

So it's seppuku or seppuku by Domme.... That's a tuff one.

Jus sayin
Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to FieryOpal)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/14/2014 10:32:07 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

There's still time to jump the fence.

Just saying...

So it's seppuku or seppuku by Domme.... That's a tuff one.

Jus sayin
Exiled

Seppuku by subbie? Not that I'm volunteerin' or nuffin nope not me!

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? - 2/15/2014 6:57:06 AM

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Joined: 1/26/2014
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i hope it turns out to be a situation for you in which, when you least expect it, the right guy suddenly comes out of nowhere.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

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