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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/11/2014 11:35:11 AM

littleladybug

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

How do I know? I know based on their actions. Actions which can only be seen close. Actions, as you know, speak louder than words uttered on a long distance phone call or online.

Wow, you must be incredible at what you do. I have known (too) many people who have been able to pull the wool over their live-in partners' eyes. It's absolutely amazing what someone can do under the guise of "going to work".

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/11/2014 9:48:47 PM

Arturas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I think you're missing the point.

Unless you watch them 24/7 you've no idea what their "actions" are when you're not looking.

But the point is not that no one is honest, and therefore who cares what their actions might be, but instead the point is that honestly is critical in the OP's view and so it is just as critical to make the best judgment we can, one made not online but in person I would imagine. It could be just me. But I suspect not.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 7/11/2014 9:58:54 PM >

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/11/2014 9:56:38 PM

Arturas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

How do I know? I know based on their actions. Actions which can only be seen close. Actions, as you know, speak louder than words uttered on a long distance phone call or online.

Wow, you must be incredible at what you do. I have known (too) many people who have been able to pull the wool over their live-in partners' eyes. It's absolutely amazing what someone can do under the guise of "going to work".

I have known too many people who don't. Nothing incredible about it. So nothing said so far makes me change my opinion that if BDSM relationships require open honesty then online is just as good as real time for validating that honesty. Taking one's honesty as fact in an online only relationship is a bogus concept and by extension the online relationship is bogus unless validated with real time interaction.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 7/11/2014 9:57:37 PM >

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/11/2014 10:03:18 PM

littleladybug

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Taking one's honesty as fact in an online only relationship is a bogus concept and by extension the online relationship is bogus unless validated with real time interaction.

Wow- that truly is a sad statement.

I'm truly glad that I still have belief that there are some honest people left in the world...

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/12/2014 12:38:55 AM

Marioneta

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

How do I know? I know based on their actions. Actions which can only be seen close. Actions, as you know, speak louder than words uttered on a long distance phone call or online.

Wow, you must be incredible at what you do. I have known (too) many people who have been able to pull the wool over their live-in partners' eyes. It's absolutely amazing what someone can do under the guise of "going to work".

I have known too many people who don't. Nothing incredible about it. So nothing said so far makes me change my opinion that if BDSM relationships require open honesty then online is just as good as real time for validating that honesty. Taking one's honesty as fact in an online only relationship is a bogus concept and by extension the online relationship is bogus unless validated with real time interaction.

It's pretty simple to me. I challenge myself to be as honest as I can be in my online interactions. In fact, I'm probably more open and honest online than in real time. So, I tend to think that there are others who are honest online. Perhaps I'm naive. Perhaps I'm gullible. Perhaps not.

Really enjoying some of these posts. I appreciate all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences. This thread has lead me to ask myself some hard questions.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/12/2014 7:42:06 AM

FieryOpal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Marioneta

It's pretty simple to me. I challenge myself to be as honest as I can be in my online interactions. In fact, I'm probably more open and honest online than in real time. So, I tend to think that there are others who are honest online. Perhaps I'm naive. Perhaps I'm gullible. Perhaps not.

Really enjoying some of these posts. I appreciate all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences. This thread has lead me to ask myself some hard questions.

Not everyone else is like you and I are. I find that I am more transparent and direct in my dealings with somebody on line. While I observe social niceties, I am less tolerant than I would be in person. I know what I want and what I don't want, and if it quickly becomes clear that this person and I are not on the same wavelength, then there really is no point to continue with our interactions.

Arturas is not wrong in saying that the honesty of one's interactions can be discerned in person much better than on line, without the on-line anonymity we all benefit from individually. You can hardly start dating somebody in real life (unless this is a long-distance relationship) and be evasive about your personal biographical information. At least, I would caution against letting a prospective dating partner get away with acting anything less than above board. In either case, however, actions speak louder than words, and this goes for on line as well as RT interactions, things such as reliability, dependability, attentiveness, the lack of or the making of constant excuses, conflicting data that doesn't add up, etc.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/12/2014 8:42:59 AM

littleladybug

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Marioneta

It's pretty simple to me. I challenge myself to be as honest as I can be in my online interactions. In fact, I'm probably more open and honest online than in real time. So, I tend to think that there are others who are honest online. Perhaps I'm naive. Perhaps I'm gullible. Perhaps not.

Nope, not gullible or naive, just someone who (like myself) should make sure to remind themselves that the majority of people online do *not* think this way.

I just went to visit someone last week, and our conversations and interactions were pretty much a smooth transition from the online realm. If things progress, I would venture to say that it will be more of the same. Why? Primarily, I think, because both of us were honest from the start. Of course, I was able to see him in his "natural habitat" and confirm a lot of what he had said to me. As far as I could see, there were absolutely no inconsistencies...and I hope he feels the same about me.

I am like you, and I tend to be a lot more open online than in person. Which, in my experience, makes meeting the *right* person, in person, just a continuation of the relationship that we started to forge when chatting online and by phone.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/12/2014 4:58:54 PM

CloakedProtector

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OP, since the one doesn't exclude the other online can certainly be part of BDSM play.

It is mainly a matter of playing parties to agree to it or to agree at what extend it will be used.
Some one 100% online and never meat, others the other way around and some some mix.

Mostly problems arise when there is no honest agreement about how it will be used. You announce that you intend to meat after some online and then, when the moment to meat comes you disappear or appear to be someone completely different that what a related profile claimed.
Possibly that last part has certainly contributed to the black cloud that sometimes hangs over 'online'.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/13/2014 7:03:34 AM

Arturas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetlySadistic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Marioneta
If you think online BDSM is bogus, is that because you haven't personally found it to be fulfilling?

This is only my opinion: Not only was it unfulfilling for me when I was a sub but it's still unfulfilling for me as a Domme. Once I did start to get involved w/ someone in online only & he kept claiming we'd be together by the end of the year & it never happened. My heart broke and I realized then & there it was all fantasy. Anything the sub does, s/he is really doing to her/himself, and the Dom/me's power ends as soon as the computer is turned off. Nothing real ever really happens between the two people. It's all online fantasy.

Anyone can be anything s/he wants to portray her/himself as online, it doesn't mean that's who s/he really is. It's all pretty much mind games and fantasy if it's anything at all. If you have voice & video chat, yeah, you can see & hear each other, but you can't feel, taste or smell each other at all. When you stack it up against real time, it's grossly lacking and lacking miserably.

Having said all that, if it's your cup of tea and you like it, more power to you. I know some people really dig it, even prefer it over real time for their own various reasons. Besides, who cares what any of us think if it works for you?

SweetlySadistic1

I think it is reasonable, after seeing such posts over the years, to assume this is a typical experience with online bdsm. A dead end that is only good if you like to be bogus, yourself.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/13/2014 8:26:11 AM

DaCat6

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I think there are many reasons why some may only want an online type relationship. Someone who is already in a relationship, someone who doesn't yet feel ready to embark on a rl relationship. It could be a mother/father who is raising small children on their own and doesn't want to involve another person yet (good on them). It could be a person who only wants the fantasy with no further commitment or someone who wants to be seen, not as the person they are but who they want to be (as in catfish). Lots of people initially meet online and I feel that is very different to people who continue to have online only relationships with no intention of ever meeting.

From the voices of concern we see so often on the forums, not just on here but on FL too.... women/men with broken hearts because their long term online partner vanished into the mist once the pressure to meet was put upon them, I have to think, there are many catfish on boards such as this.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/13/2014 8:30:36 AM

thompsonx

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ORIGINAL: Snitch

Online is a misnomer, unless the money is also online money.
Your candor is most uncommon

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/13/2014 12:58:37 PM

Dallin

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Ill just keep my answer simple...I think its just crap. Yu can own someone online not like owning someone in RL

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/13/2014 2:08:52 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Marioneta

I can imagine this discussion is tired. {NOT, it is very pertinent}.

If you think online BDSM is bogus, is that because you haven't personally found it to be fulfilling?

Online engagement can be dangerous. Perhaps not for the same reasons as real time play but it can certainly attract users, fakers, and predators. But there are also genuine, kinky people out there desiring to meet and satisfy desires through authentic online interactions.

Hi ... there are examples of online success, as well as failures. The most prominent online failures, typically end up on the Local News ... but I do believe that is an extreme minority .. at least to date.

That said, when two people are focused on real life mental and emotional interaction, on-line; it can be very productive.

To bore you with my story, and thus my experience.

During the height of the great recession, I like many others in Detroit, got kicked right out the door of employers. It was not fun. I fought to keep my own self esteem and drive, and yes, found a way.

That said, over Christmas my aged mother broke her hip. Between holiday Hospital visits, i did visit the CM boards.

A Lady named Lockit had invited me to the boards; and the first OP I read was from a Lady known as LA. (Some here know of the Ladies i am referencing.)

Between my mother and LA, then i had real life motives to persevere.

The point is, over time on: the boards, the other side as well as conventional communication; LA and i developed one hell of a mental and emotional connection and interaction. Those of you who knew her undoubtedly remember she is an experienced Female Executive, a published author, as well as a candidate for Her doctor's degree. (and a complete flirt, too! ;-)

Needless to say ... there was an immediate connection!

After months of interaction, as well as my ultimate offer to move to Her city, She did decline, graciously and for all the right reasons.

The point of this novel is to say:

It is Possible to find another online; when BOTH are mature and even keeled about all of life's situations and obstacles.

Yet as Fiery Opal mentions ... others do give online a bad name.

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 7/13/2014 2:42:42 PM >

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/13/2014 6:03:53 PM

AAkasha

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I will sensual dominate a man in any communication medium that exists. Even carrier pigeon, if I had to.

Does it "replace" real life, in the flesh, hot & sensual S&M with hair pulling, toy pressing, sweat inducing deliciousness? Of course not. It's just one more avenue. And hell, I will take it. I take it all. I want it all. Add to that, I love the written word.

In jr. high and high school I passed notes in class. Nothing sexual. But there were commands. Flirtations. Do this, do that. Look down. Hold your breath. Do this to amuse men. Fill out this "checklist." Oh, question three, "have you ever been tied up?" Folded up torn out sheets of paper. That's all. I took those notes home. They were tools to aid in learning masturbation and fantasy.

Before the Internet, I picked up penpals all over the world through harmless ads in the back of free newspapers. I loved penpals. Loved the written word. I loved accents too. I got male penpals in the UK, Japan, Australia. My notes were flirtacious and suggestive of BDSM. I asked these guys to write me stories and take suggested photos. Back before digital cameras. Waiting for those letters was so hot - such anticipation.

On the phone? Don't get me started. People say "Oh phone sex isn't the same as real life S&M" -- well, of course it isn't. But the brain is the biggest sex organ. I am hyper sensual. I love the sound of a whimper, breath when it becomes strained, the sound of a man moving from a chair to his knees. I picked up guys on the early days of IRC online (the first chatrooms on the Internet, basically). A little bit of chatting then, "I want to call you." Before caller ID. It was safe. Anonymous.

I was still doing tons of S&M in person. All the time. This was just....bonus.

So now email. Online. Sure, it can be fun. Depends on the guy. He has to be able to write, has to be sensual and intuitive. Not a replacement for real life, of course not. But I will continue to enjoy all forms of BDSM including those around the written word. If anything it's more challenging to find a man who is truly capable.

With the advent of webcams and skype there's a lot of room to do ...well, a lot. I like porn, I am a visual person. If I am attracted to a man, I can really enjoy making him do things for me live or record videos for me.

Akasha

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 7/13/2014 6:08:42 PM >

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/14/2014 6:14:49 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

quote:

ORIGINAL: Marioneta

I can imagine this discussion is tired. {NOT, it is very pertinent}.

If you think online BDSM is bogus, is that because you haven't personally found it to be fulfilling?

Online engagement can be dangerous. Perhaps not for the same reasons as real time play but it can certainly attract users, fakers, and predators. But there are also genuine, kinky people out there desiring to meet and satisfy desires through authentic online interactions.

Hi ... there are examples of online success, as well as failures. The most prominent online failures, typically end up on the Local News ... but I do believe that is an extreme minority .. at least to date.

That said, when two people are focused on real life mental and emotional interaction, on-line; it can be very productive.

To bore you with my story, and thus my experience.

During the height of the great recession, I like many others in Detroit, got kicked right out the door of employers. It was not fun. I fought to keep my own self esteem and drive, and yes, found a way.

That said, over Christmas my aged mother broke her hip. Between holiday Hospital visits, i did visit the CM boards.

A Lady named Lockit had invited me to the boards; and the first OP I read was from a Lady known as LA. (Some here know of the Ladies i am referencing.)

Between my mother and LA, then i had real life motives to persevere.

The point is, over time on: the boards, the other side as well as conventional communication; LA and i developed one hell of a mental and emotional connection and interaction. Those of you who knew her undoubtedly remember she is an experienced Female Executive, a published author, as well as a candidate for Her doctor's degree. (and a complete flirt, too! ;-)

Needless to say ... there was an immediate connection!

After months of interaction, as well as my ultimate offer to move to Her city, She did decline, graciously and for all the right reasons.

The point of this novel is to say:

It is Possible to find another online; when BOTH are mature and even keeled about all of life's situations and obstacles.

Yet as Fiery Opal mentions ... others do give online a bad name.

A wonderful experience. When reading it I likened this experience to one I had in the service, cut-off from normal family support I wrote to a girl I was introduced to before leaving and she and I carried on a paper letter correspondence for months and months. But like your experience it was not BDSM and it ended eventually when physical contact was not in the cards.
So online BDSM and romance or even letter romance? Bogus. But on the flip side, it is a good life experience even in the end that surely comes one way or the other.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 7/14/2014 6:16:00 AM >

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 7/17/2014 5:32:36 AM

SweetAnise

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To the OP: I definitely think it is boring. It would do nothing for me. I just don't believe in those types of relationships. But maybe mentorship and training would be helpful online.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 9/18/2014 9:49:32 AM

clicktoreboot

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I find that if it stays solely online that it quickly becomes psychotherapy not BDSM. To each their own but I find that the only way to really challenge oneself and grow is through real interaction Right now I'm corresponding with a young woman, who self identified as a sub, who is an absolutely brilliant and erotically evocative writer, but she is clearly "hiding" and uses all manner of excuses to not meet, i.e. "I'm too overweight. You won't want to know me after you see me". No manner of reassurance works and as someone who believes in attraction not promotion, I stopped asking quickly. Staying online can keep it at the level of narcissistic fantasy. That's just my 2 cents (in Canada that would be rounded down to 0 cents, so take it for what it's worth!).

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 9/21/2014 12:20:16 PM

Charles6682

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It's apart of who I am. Always has been. I wouldn't or couldn't change who I am, even if I wanted to. I may have set some limits and thing's like that, but for me, I will alway's be a sub. It is much easier for me to accept myself for who I am, then to deny who I am and truly be miserable. That's just my 2 cent's.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 9/21/2014 2:33:43 PM

smileforme50

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I think it can be a perfectly legitimate place to START and initially be introduced (and introduce yourself) to someone. But I could never have a long-term "cyber" relationship.

Back in 1999 I started talking to someone on alt.com. We met about 4 months later and we were together in what turned out to be a vanilla relationship for 10 years. The relationship ended in 2010 and it took awhile for us to get over each other, but we're friends now. As a matter of fact....I just saw him yesterday at a BBQ hosted by my sister.

That's why I'm optimistic about meeting someone else online....possibly here on CS....who knows?

Like I said...I could never "cyber" with anyone. That does absolutely nothing for me. And I also could never have a LDR...especially D/s. I would NEVER feel submissive to someone I hadn't met face-to-face at least a few times.

But I do have a good number of online friends that I have either never met or met only once or twice. Back when I was a kid, we had "pen pals". It's still possible to be friends with someone you've never met in person.

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RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? - 9/22/2014 3:45:59 PM

MistressRage

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Online BDSM can, for some people, be very real and fulfilling.

It is limiting in a way that r/t isn't , and yes there are some risks (as with r/t).

I have had online involvements that turned into real time. In fact I own, in r/t, one of my former online servitors.

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