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Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/16/2015 11:15:56 PM

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I am stumped. My Master has a shoe fetish and while I do understand it and what not, I feel as if I am not wearing something slutty or a pair of heels he doesn't find me attractive at all. I have tried to be more suductive but I just feel weird and awkward. I don't see myself as a sexy person and I don't know how to act as one either. Sometimes I feel like he should see me as attractive in t-shirts and shorts and sandles as much as he does in heels and skimpy clothes. I have asked about this and we end up in the same conversation of me trying harder. He says that I should be begging. It's just the more I try and get shot down the more I just give up and feel worse about me and my body. This effects our sex life gravely. He wants me to try more and I just don't feel comfortable doing so anymore. So, I guess my question is how can I fix this. I don't want to lose him but what more can I really do if he just isn't into me. Sometimes it feels like he is more attracted to the clothes on me then the real me. I don't know what to do anymore.

< Message edited by BrentsSugar -- 6/16/2015 11:17:45 PM >

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 12:22:04 AM

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Some men only get turned by certain things and objects like shoes or slutty clothes become fetishes.

I agree with you that while it's great to dress up for a guy and yourself, if that is the only time he is into you, that's a problem.

I don't know if you can fix this. Not sure how long you are together, but if you are communicating this to him and he doesn't listen, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

After all, your partner should raise your self esteem, not knock it down.

(in reply to BrentsSugar)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 12:45:16 AM

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Hello,

What do you mean, the more you try, the more you get shot down?

Feeling sexy can be hard when you feel like you're stepping out of your comfort zone and as long as you or he are blaming this on you, the longer you will struggle with this. What he has to admit is that he has a fetish and what you have to admit and already believe deep inside, is that his fetish comes before you do because he doesn't feel the way he wants to when you are only in tee shirts and jeans. He objectifies you with the sexy wear. You feel like you have to perform and that is not going to make you more comfortable and can lead to performance issues. You are basically set up to fail and that is his failing.

When we aren't valued for who we are, sometimes we can feel diminished and can come to believe it. Your trying harder isn't going to help. His saying you should beg is faulty. He is doing you emotional harm. Deep down I think you know that. Until he stops blaming you and encourages you and loves you no matter what you wear and proves it to you, you will struggle.

Don't allow yourself to remain in a crazy making situation. You could find yourself lost, depressed and feeling worse about yourself. He needs to figure out that you need something from him other than his title of dominant and he needs to make some changes. A dominant that cannot see passed his own fetish, knowing you feel badly and insecure, that doesn't take care of his submissive, in my opinion isn't worth his title. Where is his dominant care for his submissive?

This sounds abusive to me. Very one sided. More importantly, it feels abusive to you, doesn't it? Stop beating yourself up, as he is clearly doing and determine to stop helping him. When a fetish brings such negative feelings, who really is at fault? You for feeling awkward play acting that you are sexy? This can happen and it could be insecurity on your part, but he isn't helping and nurturing a better perception that he loves you and finds you sexy no matter what you have on is whats needed. It isn't about the clothes to you, but the feelings. If this type of feeling you have continues, you could find yourself very broken.

There are times you have to call something what it is and free yourself if others won't do the right thing. You matter and you need to know that you matter to him. No one can feed a fetish that comes before the partner. You are worth more than he is showing and he may not be worth all you're giving. When you feel bad enough, like reaching out now, you will have to make some choices, because that bad feeling doesn't go away without some personal provision. If he won't give it to you and cannot see that he has someone of worth beyond the fetish wear.

Work on how you feel about yourself as a person and talk to him. If he cannot hear you and continues to blame you for not trying hard enough and begging his royal self, then you may need to protect yourself emotionally.

So is it really you or is it really him? You answer that. Be honest with yourself. You could be confusing things, but you didn't say one word about him other than how he feels it should be fixed by you. No words of nurturing, just demands and blame. You decide what you can handle.

There are a lot of men looking for a woman that will serve them and will appreciate and nurture you, that will see you as sexy all the time. Just because we have a submissive doesn't mean that we have no obligation and all depends on the submissive. He has a part in this and that requires emotional sight and perception as you are not a robot, but even if you were, even a robot needs maintenance.

You're in a rough place and I wish you luck in finding yourself and a happier place within.

Mia

(in reply to BrentsSugar)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 1:52:10 AM

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You can't fix it. Dump him and find someone who sees you as a person and not a fetish delivery system.

In case that sounded really harsh, I spent 3 years with a guy who had the same issues around sexy lingerie. If I was naked or wearing comfortable cotton underwear, he wasn't interested. A lot of the time I had to dress up in silky underwear, suspenders, stockings and heels just to get laid. I got to feeling like I wasn't enjoying it, I didn't feel like 'me' and I wasn't comfortable during sex. It never, ever got better, except when I dumped him and found a much better Dom who likes me just as I am.

(in reply to BrentsSugar)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 2:48:33 AM

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I don't know if it is your case or not, but I think that sometimes people are not looking for the same things, some people are looking for someone to fulfil their fantasies and there's nothing wrong with that, the problem appear when someone that is looking for more, like a relationship, ends up with a person that is looking for the "fetish delivery system"...

(in reply to sweetieDA)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 3:24:09 AM

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From: Western MD
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Some men only get turned by certain things and objects like shoes or slutty clothes become fetishes.

I agree with you that while it's great to dress up for a guy and yourself, if that is the only time he is into you, that's a problem.

I don't know if you can fix this. Not sure how long you are together, but if you are communicating this to him and he doesn't listen, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

After all, your partner should raise your self esteem, not knock it down.

There are a lot of vanilla males who have high-heeled shoe/stocking&garter belt/corset fetishes. This is also a good example of how sexual fetishes can have little to do with kinky sex or with D/s at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MiaCastle
---
When we aren't valued for who we are, sometimes we can feel diminished and can come to believe it.
---
This sounds abusive to me. Very one sided. More importantly, it feels abusive to you, doesn't it? . . .
If this type of feeling you have continues, you could find yourself very broken.
---
No one can feed a fetish that comes before the partner.
---

OP, your Dom's fetish combined with your existing D/s dynamic where he's expected to be in control, is a no-win situation for you given that this is not a shared fetish between the both of you.
Imo, it reeks of incompatibility.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetieDA

You can't fix it. Dump him and find someone who sees you as a person and not a fetish delivery system.

In case that sounded really harsh, I spent 3 years with a guy who had the same issues around sexy lingerie. If I was naked or wearing comfortable cotton underwear, he wasn't interested. A lot of the time I had to dress up in silky underwear, suspenders, stockings and heels just to get laid. I got to feeling like I wasn't enjoying it, I didn't feel like 'me' and I wasn't comfortable during sex. It never, ever got better, except when I dumped him and found a much better Dom who likes me just as I am.

I am reminded of two long-term partners I've had where the opposite took place. I don't see it as a fetish of mine, because I can take it or leave it, but I do feel sexier and more sensuous when I'm dressed up/dressed down in revealing outfits, feminine negligées and lingerie that are sensual to the touch and which accentuate my body, and/or send the message that I'm feeling seductive.
They didn't respond the way I wanted them to.

They just wanted to see me nude.
In fact, one of them would remark that I didn't need to dress sexily to turn him on. In the beginning, I took it as complimentary, but later on these comments got on my nerves to the point where I didn't feel appreciated. The other was more responsive (it made no difference to him), but it made me feel less desirable.

DreamLady

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 4:44:34 AM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

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Leave him the shoes and special clothes...and go find someone else. He's looking for a fetish delivery system and you are (reasonably) looking for a relationship. You are not a good match for each other. Search for a better match. The good news is you are on a great website to search for a new Dom (or at least friends who might help you find him).

--MM

< Message edited by MAINEiacMISTRESS -- 6/17/2015 4:46:08 AM >

(in reply to dreamlady)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 6:43:05 AM

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We have been together for almost a year. I love this man and I know he loves me, but now I am more confused than ever. Thank you all for the fed back. I have a lot to think about now.

(in reply to MAINEiacMISTRESS)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 2:14:46 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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I wish I could find the paper I read about how, especially in men, a fetish becomes almost hardwired in the brain. If it is hardwired and truly a fetish, in that they can't be sexually aroused except by their fetish; it isn't about you or if you are attractive or not. Meaning, it isn't that YOU are unattractive. It just means their sexual responses are triggered by whatever object their brain recognizes as arousing.

I wonder if people would be quick to say leave him if his brain was wired toward depression or if he had erectile dysfunction?

Are you compatible in other areas? Do you enjoy each other in daily lives? Can you accept him as he is and find fulfillment sexually knowing he can only be aroused by an object? Will your life be better without him? Lots of things are important in a relationship. I'm not going to say stay or leave. That's all dependent on what you value and need for yourself.

(in reply to BrentsSugar)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 2:34:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
If it is hardwired and truly a fetish, in that they can't be sexually aroused except by their fetish; it isn't about you or if you are attractive or not. Meaning, it isn't that YOU are unattractive. It just means their sexual responses are triggered by whatever object their brain recognizes as arousing.

You mean like when a person is 'hardwired' to find the opposite sex arousing, or 'hardwired' to find BDSM arousing? Because people make decisions based on that stuff *all the time* when they decide to date gay men or dominant men or not to date a scat fetishist, because it's not their thing.

Ultimately, it makes no difference at all how he is 'hardwired' (a concept for which there is no proof, btw) what matters is compatibility. In fact, being 'hardwired' makes it even more likely they'd break up, because there's no hope of him changing, or her changing, according to your theory, because people are just 'hardwired' that way.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 2:59:23 PM

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Winsome, I understand where you are getting at. Those have been the question I have been asking myself for awhile now. At first I was able to handle it and accept it, but then he put his fetish over my safety and when I refused he threatened to take my collar. That is what made me start looking at it differently and taking a step back. He has negotiated with me a little and given me one day that I can wear flat shoes but has only given me one pair to wear besides my work shoes. Any other day he hides them from me so even when I need to go somewhere without him I have to wear heels. I am originally a complete tomboy and that being said I actually like wearing them but as any girl knows it is aweful to try and base an outfit around the shoes you have to wear, especially when you wear nothing but tee shirts and basketball shorts.

I guess what my real problem is that he will reject me and end up reading a erotic story and master ate to it instead, if I am not wearing something "sexy". I was always told it doesn't matter if the clothes are sexy or not but how the person insides the clothes feels and I certainly don't feel sexy in the kinds of clothes me makes me wear just to get excited around me. I just don't know how to relay this to him without the argument that is sure to follow when I bring this up.

< Message edited by BrentsSugar -- 6/17/2015 3:27:01 PM >

(in reply to sweetieDA)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 2:59:41 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetieDA

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
If it is hardwired and truly a fetish, in that they can't be sexually aroused except by their fetish; it isn't about you or if you are attractive or not. Meaning, it isn't that YOU are unattractive. It just means their sexual responses are triggered by whatever object their brain recognizes as arousing.

You mean like when a person is 'hardwired' to find the opposite sex arousing, or 'hardwired' to find BDSM arousing? Because people make decisions based on that stuff *all the time* when they decide to date gay men or dominant men or not to date a scat fetishist, because it's not their thing.

Ultimately, it makes no difference at all how he is 'hardwired' (a concept for which there is no proof, btw) what matters is compatibility. In fact, being 'hardwired' makes it even more likely they'd break up, because there's no hope of him changing, or her changing, according to your theory, because people are just 'hardwired' that way.

It isn't my theory, and I did qualify with statements like "if". I'm not sold on the concept, but it doesn't hurt to open a dialog that involves more than "leave the guy," and "fetish delivery" bias.

Honestly, most of us have erotic triggers. I get wet at the scent of leather. The difference is, it isn't the only thing that arouses me. However, if it was then it wouldn't make my lover any less attractive because he wasn't a skinned piece of hide. I just thought she might benefit from hearing this.

I agree with you, it does boil down to compatibility, but what if they are happy together (compatible) and she CAN learn to accept her partners needs and not have it become something that causes her to feel inadequate or badly about herself?

(in reply to sweetieDA)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 3:29:39 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BrentsSugar

Winsome, I understand where you are getting at. Those have been the question I have been asking myself for awhile now. At first I was able to handle it and accept it, but then he put his fetish over my safety and when I refused he threatened to take my collar. That is what made me start looking at it differently and taking a step back. He has negotiated with me a little and given me one day that I can wear flat shoes but has only given me one pair to wear besides my work shoes. Any other day he hides them from me so even when I need to go somewhere without him I have to wear heels. I am originally a complete tomboy and that being said I actually like wearing them but as any girl knows it is aweful to try and base an outfit around the shoes you have to wear, especially when you wear nothing but tee shirts and basketball shorts.

It doesn't sound like something I'd be happy with, and it doesn't sound like you are either?
Sometimes we know what we need to do and just need a support system to help make the hard decisions.
I don't know if that is the case here? I just feel like sometimes we need a devils advocate, so to speak to help us see things in a different light.

I feel for you. I know whatever choices you make aren't going to be easy ones. I do wish you the best, for what that's worth.

(in reply to BrentsSugar)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 3:41:36 PM

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Thank you Winsome. I appreciate it a lot. No none of the decisions I make are going to be easy but I know that I have to make them. I am faced with a tuff choice but I have to work it out with myself before I decide anything.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 6:21:00 PM

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Hello all,

To the OP:

I'd like to suggest that all fetishes aside, all fetishes included, boners don't lie.

At this point I'd suggest (from all the way over here in Canada, thousands of miles away) that he's just not that into you.

Why? My guess (again from way over here, I don't know you) would be that you're overweight.

I bring up the point because you've got a nice smile, what seems like a great attitude and something of a sense of style. It's the only thing I could think of. Other than that, well, it's not you, it's him.

(in reply to BrentsSugar)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 7:40:09 PM

WellShinedBoots

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Similar to what WinsomeDefiance said about other interests, is the issue specifically confined to sexual situations, or does it spill out into other aspects? I'm not particularly sexually attracted to my slave when she's wearing her hair-dying shirt and sweatpants, but I still appreciate her as a person and I know I can put her in something I find more attractive when the mood strikes. So, when you say you want him to find you attractive in a t-shirt and shorts, are you specifically wanting a sexual attraction, or are you looking for a more broad appreciation?

If you are specifically wanting him to be sexually attracted to you in different situations and he is willing to work with you, you and he can try some association training. Make a point to plan out hot scenes that include a t-shirt and sandals. Find porn that starts off in casual clothes. If you have old work clothes that need to be thrown out, have him cut them off of you in a sexual frenzy. This is not a guaranteed method by any means, and he will probably always be more excited when his fetishes are involved (heels and such), but it might build an association between seeing you in casual clothes and sexual arousal. While I have not heard of many examples of tops being trained this way, I've heard several stories about subs being trained to become sexually aroused by rather arbitrary triggers.

(in reply to PANKRATIO)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 7:54:08 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BrentsSugar

I guess what my real problem is that he will reject me and end up reading a erotic story and master ate to it instead, if I am not wearing something "sexy". I was always told it doesn't matter if the clothes are sexy or not but how the person insides the clothes feels and I certainly don't feel sexy in the kinds of clothes me makes me wear just to get excited around me. I just don't know how to relay this to him without the argument that is sure to follow when I bring this up.

My answer would be:

Sorry - but, why can't you dress more as he prefers? Because you don't think you should have to? That he should be equally attracted to you in t-shirt and shorts as he is when you are wearing certain shoes, which you know is his fetish?

You love him. You say he's your Master. And you're arguing with him about dressing as he wants you to?

But...

quote:

ORIGINAL: MiaCastle

What do you mean, the more you try, the more you get shot down?

I'm curious to know what this means, too. Because your answer might change my answer.

(in reply to BrentsSugar)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/17/2015 9:04:21 PM

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From: Apple County NY
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Unfortunately, he isn't attracted to you. He's attracted to a fantasy in his head that acts out the things he likes.

If you aren't allowed to wear sneakers, then you can't exercise. At which point you'll never be that size zero he wants. He's setting you up for failure.

So if you have to go to the hospital to wait to see if someone you love will survive a car crash, he wants you not to be able to pace, but to be focused on turning him on. If your car is in the shop and you have to walk to wear you're going, you have to do it in heels and it's your fault if you're late getting to work.

He doesn't care about you. Only about that image in your head.

Why do you think that this is the best person for you? Why don't you feel that you deserve to be loved for who you are instead of being told that you'll only be accepted when you stop being you and become someone else? Why do you only love people who don't love you?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Kaliko)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/18/2015 12:09:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
...what if they are happy together (compatible) and she CAN learn to accept her partners needs and not have it become something that causes her to feel inadequate or badly about herself?

In my opinion, compatibility includes sexual compatibility. There's a name for two people who really like each other but aren't sexually compatible, it's called friendship. If you're not sexually compatible, you're not really compatible at all, for a relationship.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

RE: Attraction issues???? Please help!!! - 6/18/2015 12:22:02 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetieDA

You can't fix it. Dump him and find someone who sees you as a person and not a fetish delivery system.

Yep. My take on it, exactly!

_____________________________

Beauty fades...stupid is forever
~ Judge Judith Scheindlin
____________________________________________

“Be that self which one truly is" ~Soren Kierkegaard

(in reply to sweetieDA)

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