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RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/29/2015 9:17:54 PM

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thank you all for the advice and thanks for the judgement. as I was able to fix what had to be done today. I have had a talk with him and put things in a way that he could understand.
I can and do think on my own and I am trying to be non judgmental to other because that really isn't my job.

You may all think this was a stupid question got that, but I have always been told that nothing is a stupid question. well you get the point. anyways I agree with everyone here. But for him this is his first military spouse experience and I have to give some slack for that. IT IS HARD TO BE A MILITARY SPOUSE period. I was able to take care of what I needed when I got ahold of him and chewed him out ( as a sub that was hard but my military attitude came out, which is not always sweet and lovable its more of a bitch).
So you all know My car is the only one we have it was why it was such an issue.
Thank you all again the advice has been noted and is being taken seriously.

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/29/2015 9:32:30 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

No.

I've been madly, passionately in love and would never have let myself get fired or derail my career. Being in love/lust and being rational are not mutually exclusive.

If I had to ask that question, I would have dumped whomever it was, no matter how hot the sex was.

That's the problem. So because you never experienced it. You don't have empathy.
To me, love is never rational, it's emotional.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 9/29/2015 9:34:47 PM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/29/2015 9:58:08 PM

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Greta, give me a fucking break.

If you think the world is black and white and love is purely emotional, that's your choice. One cannot base their life decisions on emotions.

And never, ever fucking tell me I lack empathy.

I am a cancer patient and work with others including hospices.

If you don't know what that means, look it up.

To you and many of the posters we get here, if you state your truth, which is not their truth, then you must lack empathy or you are in a clique who attacks people, instead of blandly agreeing with whatever is posted. When you post on a forum, you risk not having your decisions validated.

I don't expect you to get this concept, based on your posting history.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 9/29/2015 10:01:02 PM >

(in reply to Greta75)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 1:23:45 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: armyprincess

thank you all for the advice and thanks for the judgement. as I was able to fix what had to be done today. I have had a talk with him and put things in a way that he could understand.
I can and do think on my own and I am trying to be non judgmental to other because that really isn't my job.

You may all think this was a stupid question got that, but I have always been told that nothing is a stupid question. well you get the point. anyways I agree with everyone here. But for him this is his first military spouse experience and I have to give some slack for that. IT IS HARD TO BE A MILITARY SPOUSE period. I was able to take care of what I needed when I got ahold of him and chewed him out ( as a sub that was hard but my military attitude came out, which is not always sweet and lovable its more of a bitch).
So you all know My car is the only one we have it was why it was such an issue.
Thank you all again the advice has been noted and is being taken seriously.

Thank you for answering my question.
So you have the only car in the relationship, do you also have the only job in the relationship? I'm wondering why he was able to go fishing on the spur of the moment after talking you out of your car for the morning. Doesn't sound like he's got demands on his time during typical work week hours, unless he's got atypical work hours, but then he'd also probably have a car to get to/from work. Is this why he's able to spend time to clean the house (from your other thread)? He's not working?

(in reply to armyprincess)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 2:26:27 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I am a cancer patient and work with others including hospices.

So you have cancer and you feel empathy for people suffering similar conditions with you. I am simply saying you did not feel empathy for her because you never experienced it to know what it is like. So instead, you chose to put her down instead. It's very holier than thou. That's annoying because whatever you said was not useful or helpful to her at all, because she is not you and by asking that question, it is already very clear that she's dealing with heavy emotions as she posted that and needed help for clarity.

quote:

When you post on a forum, you risk not having your decisions validated.

She didn't even make any decision, she was asking for help with her decision. Instead of simply saying, "If I were you, I would do this", you went and insult her. I guess I can keep quiet and ignore this, but I have seen comments like these many times in the past, especially towards adult women who are "suppose to know better", which I feel is just really nasty but since this whole forum is starting on a clean slate, I just hope to see more kindness and less meanness. And if someone is going through distress, and if you can't help yourself but scold her further, then maybe it's best to say nothing.

Of course this is just my opinion and suggestion. You are free to carry on being mean.

I just hate to watch someone being kicked when she's down.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 9/30/2015 2:35:44 AM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 3:31:04 AM

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I am going to share with you what really bothered me about your situation.

quote:

"After he finished the one thing he needed to do, he was going to come back and give me back the car so I could take care of what I needed to take care of before I get in trouble with my command.
Long story short he finish what he needed to do called me and told me that he was at his fishing spot and was fishing. ...
...Now he called and told me he will not be back until after 1230pm."

It has zero to do with your being in the military.

He made an agreement to use your car to do the one thing he had to do.
He did the one thing and then he went fishing.

He made a promise and then he broke it.
And then he decided that his promise to you meant so little that he told you he would not be home until after 12:30.

Either he knew he was going fishing so he lied, or he decided his desire to go fishing then was more important than his word.

It has to do with basic respect and honesty.

My suggestion: next time, you should use the car to take care of your stuff first and he can use it when you return.
And if his stuff has a deadline, then he can call them and make an arrangement.

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(in reply to armyprincess)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 3:43:39 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

"After he finished the one thing he needed to do, he was going to come back and give me back the car so I could take care of what I needed to take care of before I get in trouble with my command.
Long story short he finish what he needed to do called me and told me that he was at his fishing spot and was fishing. ...
...Now he called and told me he will not be back until after 1230pm."

It has zero to do with your being in the military.

He made an agreement to use your car to do the one thing he had to do.
He did the one thing and then he went fishing.

He made a promise and then he broke it.
And then he decided that his promise to you meant so little that he told you he would not be home until after 12:30.

Either he knew he was going fishing so he lied, or he decided his desire to go fishing then was more important than his word.

It has to do with basic respect and honesty.

This. ALL. OF. THIS.

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RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 3:53:17 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

No.

I've been madly, passionately in love and would never have let myself get fired or derail my career. Being in love/lust and being rational are not mutually exclusive.

If I had to ask that question, I would have dumped whomever it was, no matter how hot the sex was.

That's the problem. So because you never experienced it. You don't have empathy.
To me, love is never rational, it's emotional.

Sorry Greta, I have to agree with red on this one.

Your simplistic view on lifestyle in general appears to be somewhat myopic.
Perhaps it is because life in the far east is reported to be very individualistic in that marriage and relationships are far less common than in the western world. Emotional attachment over there seems to be few and far between and as such, emotion appears to be over-important; that's not the case in the western world.

In the west, any sort of close relationship usually involves a fair bit of compromise on both parts to make it work sensibly. Someone, often both, has to give up something to the relationship in practical terms.
Usually, the main breadwinner is the one that has to keep the finances going and in that respect the job/career of that person has absolute priority over anything emotional or any D/s relationship. It has to be that way for practical reasons (unless you are very rich) - nobody can exist purely on emotion.
That is why rational decisions have to be made over emotional ones every time.

The way the military works is that they are your #1 priority over absolutely everything, including your personal life. This is something that needs to be fully understood by any (potential) partner of a military person.
Essentially, the military becomes your life, everything else is second, until the day you leave.

It has nothing to do with empathy and everything to do with pragmatic and sensible decisions.
Like red said, military and career come first because that is self-preservation. Anything else like partners, relationships etc generally come second. Of course there are varying degrees of how much you give and take in any situation with the exception of the military - they always come first.

@armyprincess: It was good of you to pose the question. The only stupid question is the one un-asked.
But I must admit that I'm very confused as to why you had to ask it in the first place.
You must know that a military career and lifestyle always comes first. It should have been embedded into your partners' head that that is what is important and must, no matter what, take priority over everything else in life.
The fact that you are a sub is irrelevant at this juncture, there are several things that raise concerns for me that others have pointed out already.
A Dom/me should be looking out for their sub and never set them up for failure. Your man didn't do that - he was selfish and didn't bother to ask. To me, given the importance of the consequences, that is a major red flag and worthy of serious consideration for your own well-being.
Unless your man has fully understood the situation, and that it was a 1-off not to be repeated, as good as he is (according to your other post), he really isn't the right man for you.
That brings you to a serious dilema on what to choose: your man or your career.
Not something I envy you with.

Good luck in whatever way you choose.

ETA: Anjelika said it in very precise words - it has all to do with respect and honesty.
Your man appears to have very little of both.

< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 9/30/2015 3:55:29 AM >

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(in reply to Greta75)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 4:11:41 AM

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I covered the non-military aspect in my last post.

As for the military, your dominant partner has to understand that for as long this commitment remains in place, your first Master is the military.

Your commitment to that, by necessity, is the top priority in your life.

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RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 4:21:14 AM

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quote:

The way the military works is that they are your #1 priority over absolutely everything, including your personal life. This is something that needs to be fully understood by any (potential) partner of a military person.

I have no idea why whatever her career is even factored into responding to her situation.

IF she wasn't from the military, it makes ZERO difference. The dom did not honour his words. I would call it a violation of trust. Whether she is or not in the military has no bearings at all on this incident.

And I don't know what you are disagreeing with me about, that love shouldn't be emotional but love should be practical?

To me, if it is meant to be practical, then why not arrange marriages? Arrange marriages should be perfect for the west, since you are saying western people believe love is about following the brain and not the heart.

To me, it's not love unless it's from my heart.

And usually it's the opposite way, Asians believe in practical unions, and believe in fall inlove with the person you choose to marry on practical grounds, like his wealth and status. His ability to take care of you, your family financially and his children. I always thought western people didn't think this way, so I am surprise you saying this is western thinking.

Because my gut feel about OP is she really loves her man. This man sounds even jobless and financially less well off than her. It sounds like her heart is engage deeply and what she feels for him is all about heart. There is no practical feelings in those. So when he does something like this to hurt her, to me it's freaking obvious that she cannot make a rational decision at that moment and just needs a little help in the right direction without snark.

Many of others were saying kind things which I felt was very helpful and nice but red and winsome was criticizing her question just because of her age and her job, was that helpful? Even you yourself chose to be nice in your response. And that is great!

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 9/30/2015 4:39:06 AM >

(in reply to angelikaJ)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 4:43:09 AM

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You are missing the label Greta.

Her career has everything to do with it - even more so that it is the military.
She appears to be the breadwinner in the relationship.

Love has to be practical otherwise you can't enact it. That's just common sense.
But that doesn't mean it isn't from the heart.
The two aren't black/white mutually exclusive, which seems to be the spin you are putting on it.

As for arranged marriages, doesn't that obliterate the idea of emotions and feelings of the heart?
Arranged marriages are following someone else's orders, not your heart.
You seem to have a very odd view of life in the west.
Much like several other topics where we have crossed swords in the past.

I hate to make comparisons but you seem to have been indoctrinated into your lifestyle which we in the west tend to view as very limited and very controlled (very much like islamic followers are); yet you seem to think it's the best thing since sliced bread (just like a brainwashed person would).
You believe your government without question even when there is evidence to the contrary elsewhere and utterly dismiss it as lies even when you are handed the evidence on a plate.
Sorry to say Greta, your world is very regimented, very controlled, and also apparently very arranged and orchestrated compared to the way we work in the west.
You think you live in a free society. Compared to us in the west, your freedom is limited to the boundaries of your lands and what you are spoon-fed from your peers; and you swallow it without question like a good citizen should.

< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 9/30/2015 4:44:47 AM >

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RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 4:48:30 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
You think you live in a free society. Compared to us in the west, your freedom is limited to the boundaries of your lands and what you are spoon-fed from your peers; and you swallow it without question like a good citizen should.

But I don't feel free in the US, when I am always fearing my car will get robbed, I will get rob,I cannot go out alone into the seediness part of the US without worrying about possible rape.

I am not even kidding that I never experienced crime in my life in my own country anyway. In the US, in LA, when my dad refused to give money to a black beggar, they came and smash our car. In Australia Sydney, i see people beat up someone until his head bleeding and flowing to the floor and just kicked him, nobody cared, no police came.

We just have different definition of free. And free for me is living without fear. I don't feel restricted in any way or manner at all. As long as I don't hurt another living person, I am free to do whatever I want, it's pretty much that simple in my country. I like that our laws prevent people from hurting me, or cause enough fear in them to make them think twice.

Almost everyone from the US knows a friend who died from drugs.

We kill people with drugs, so that drug activities is kept to minimum and I don't know any friends who die from drugs.

So I would say, if low poverty, high employment rate and a safe haven for women, where they aren't deprived of education, owning property or basically anything is called living in prison. Give me my prison. I feel super free here.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 9/30/2015 4:53:01 AM >

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 4:57:11 AM

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quote:

As for arranged marriages, doesn't that obliterate the idea of emotions and feelings of the heart?

If you are disagreeing with me that love is emotional. If you don't process the feelings of love as an emotional experience, but a practical experience, then arranged marriages suits that practicality. And ya know arranged marriages these day are quite civilized. The party involve have to meet each other first, before they agree to it. And usually by then, all the practical elements, like job, education, status, wealth of family of the person is already done and matched up. All that is left is if they like each other face.

(in reply to Greta75)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 5:02:08 AM

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I'm going back to the military thing because it's what I know.

quote:

But for him this is his first military spouse experience and I have to give some slack for that. IT IS HARD TO BE A MILITARY SPOUSE period.

I really have to ask at this point. Is this person a legal spouse or is he a person that you recently entered a relationship? I ask because, as a military spouse myself, I could never see myself just choosing to take off with the one family vehicle if the active duty person was required to report on post. Errands in the morning if you didn't have to be there until the afternoon? Fine. Skipping off when knowing you had to report for duty? Not so much. Anybody who is a "spouse" (and I'm using the same definition as the military, meaning legal status) knows better.

If not going fishing is the definition of it being difficult to be a military spouse, I'm signing up for sainthood. I'm going to suggest that you give this guy a crash course in the difference between military life and civilian life real quick. If he is a spouse, ACS can even help you with this. They have classes for new spouses to teach them how life is different being married to an active duty person.

Here's the thing, though. You already knew this. It's not like the days when they would tell you that 'the Army didn't issue you a spouse, so you don't need one'. Still, integrating that person into military life is your responsibility. Your CoC is going to expect you to handle your home life, and really, you did already know this. New to BDSM, D/s, or any other thing doesn't supersede any and all training you've received regarding your career. Your duty comes first and I mean the one you committed to when you signed the contract with Uncle Sam.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
I am simply saying you did not feel empathy for her because you never experienced it to know what it is like. So instead, you chose to put her down instead. It's very holier than thou. That's annoying because whatever you said was not useful or helpful to her at all, because she is not you and by asking that question, it is already very clear that she's dealing with heavy emotions as she posted that and needed help for clarity.

I'm going to state for the record that I've got a hint of empathy for her. You wouldn't believe the laundry list of outright stupid sh^t I have seen military people and military dependents do. At the same time, you have to understand that these people have been specifically trained to know military conduct. I'll bet this OP would know exactly the answer she'd receive if she asked her CoC (sorry, that's Chain of Command) this question instead of the forum participants. Her duty is to be where she's supposed to be. If she demonstrates an inability to do that, they can restrict her to post, charge her with a field grade Article 15 and/or give her counseling statements that go to her permanent file, give her extra duty, and all kinds of other things. Heavy emotions, such as new to being in love, aren't going to fly with her Command.

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RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 5:07:36 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I'll bet this OP would know exactly the answer she'd receive if she asked her CoC (sorry, that's Chain of Command) this question instead of the forum participants.

I know her military head is gonna give her shit for this and it will not be kind. That's the military. They are sending people out to war, so they won't be kind, they gotta toughen their troops.

But we aren't the military here, and I am glad you feel a little bit of empathy. I think when it comes to D/S, alot of things can be confusing EVEN to adult women regardless of age, and it shouldn't be treated with scorn. I don't even know why anybody would get upset or irritated at a grown women asking a question that seem obvious when her emotions are thick and muddling her brain. It happens, it's human! And over all, I really love most of the answers to her here. Most people just gave advice and wasn't snarky, it was great!

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 9/30/2015 5:10:14 AM >

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RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 5:17:50 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

As for arranged marriages, doesn't that obliterate the idea of emotions and feelings of the heart?

If you are disagreeing with me that love is emotional. If you don't process the feelings of love as an emotional experience, but a practical experience, then arranged marriages suits that practicality. And ya know arranged marriages these day are quite civilized. The party involve have to meet each other first, before they agree to it. And usually by then, all the practical elements, like job, education, status, wealth of family of the person is already done and matched up. All that is left is if they like each other face.

Maybe you haven't witnessed the ugly side of arranged marriages.
Everyone assumes that everything will be ok and they will love each other happily ever after.
True faerie-tale beliefs because it is imposed upon women by their parents/peers and very often the feeelings of the person are not considered in favour of prestige/wealth of the family.
Unfortunately, a lot of women in this situation just accept it as fate so as not to damage or insult the family honour. In essence, it's nothing short of imposed slavery.

Sorry to burst your bubble but that isn't the case in many many arranges mnarriages.
In fact, it is such a problem with honour killings in the wake of failed arranged marriages that arranged marriages are illegal here and carry a prison sentence for those that arrange it.
Those women here who are able to be exposed and are free to experience true freedom of choice are shying away from traditional arranged marriages that are endemic and expected in their old culture.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
We just have different definition of free. And free for me is living without fear. I don't feel restricted in any way or manner at all. As long as I don't hurt another living person, I am free to do whatever I want, it's pretty much that simple in my country. I like that our laws prevent people from hurting me, or cause enough fear in them to make them think twice.

As for free, we are very much like what you describe but without the indoctrination.
Remember, I'm not from the US and I agree with what you say about the US too.

It's one of the reasons I live where I am and not emigrated to the US - I am much safer here.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Greta75)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 5:27:08 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
Maybe you haven't witnessed the ugly side of arranged marriages.
Everyone assumes that everything will be ok and they will love each other happily ever after.

Nope, any Asian who step into an arrange marriage is prepared to work very hard on their marriage and compromise alot, because it's generally for people who do not process love emotionally and go about a marriage like, how they will handle difficulties in getting along with a new boss in a new company. Those who do not like arranged marriage are people who simply want an easier compatibility, without having to work too hard. What I mean is, you just want to feel being with that person is easy and not constant hard work.

quote:

Unfortunately, a lot of women in this situation just accept it as fate so as not to damage or insult the family honour. In essence, it's nothing short of imposed slavery.

While there are arrange marriage that are abusive but in modern countries like ours, arrange marriages are like between doctors and lawyers, high educated folks, who just do not believe in emotional love. There are a whole bunch of super practical and pragmatic folks, who indulge in it. And these marriages actually work, because they didn't do the fall inlove thingy, and expect the magical feelings to always be there. They go into it expecting it to be initial difficulties of adjusting to each other, and working together to overcome them. It kinda works out. But not for me. If only I can process love base on practicality, I should be married by now. Last proposal was a textbook perfect man whom my parents would absolutely love.

quote:

In fact, it is such a problem with honour killings in the wake of failed arranged marriages that arranged marriages are illegal here and carry a prison sentence for those that arrange it.

I blame the backwards muslims for making their illegal arrange marriages so terrible, but in my country, it's not just the muslims who does them. And there is no such thing as honour killings in those modern arrange marriages. Also, in local arrange marriages, they need to get their kids to agree first. They can't make them marry unless the kids gives the green light. Some moms guilt trip their sons, like she hope to choose his wife or something like that before she dies, it would be her death wish. Well some Asian boys are mommy's boy, so they will respect her request, so I guess that's the coercion part. And some Asian women are like seriously just indoctrinated to be super submissive that she doesn't even feel or think she wants a choice in choosing her partner, but leave it to her parents. There are just some who are just like that.

You know, one of my Indian friends just married a surgeon from India. His just a rich kid who is working in his family business. And his wife is way more educated than him. And it was arranged by his mom. And she turned out to be beautiful and smart and his happy, and I think the bride is happy she is marrying wealth.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 9/30/2015 5:36:57 AM >

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 5:36:33 AM

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Greta,

I made the non-military point because no one else had made it.

That was not because the military is immaterial.
I simply stated that the part that bothered me had nothing to do with the military.

The military, the contract she has with them, has everything to do with the question.

My guess is you simply do not understand how detrimental following her heart could be for her in this situation.
The bottom line is that unlike life outside where if a job interferes with your life, you can get another job, in her situation, it is the other way around.
If her life is interfering with her contractual agreement then she has do whatever she has to do to follow through with her imperative.

She really does know this.

I don't think anyone was out of line in reinforcing her first responsibility.
It might not be my way, and it might not be your way, but some people need a bit of tough love to get the point.
And if you think some posters were rough with her, they treated her with kid gloves compared to how it would have gone for her if she couldn't get to her base yesterday.

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(in reply to Greta75)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 5:40:15 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
My guess is you simply do not understand how detrimental following her heart could be for her in this situation.

Actually if that was what you were interpreting what i was saying, then you totally didn't get what I was saying.

She CLEARLY knows following her heart is detrimental, it is the REASON she came here for advice. She just needed some folks to give her rational advice and set her on the rational path.

I am simply saying, when emotions are involve, rationality gets foggy sometimes. She came here to fix that. And many of you gave good advice that I am sure helped her alot and she appreciated.

Criticizing her age and job for even questioning what's the right thing to do is just not helpful. That is all I was saying.

I never said emotional decisions are the best decisions. I am saying, love is emotional and people get caught up in it and it can be difficult for some people to make rational decisions. I mean this is life. There are gazillion people who have followed their heart and not their brains in this world. And when someone is in the danger of doing that, why give them crap for even being in that state? That is all I am saying.

quote:

And if you think some posters were rough with her, they treated her with kid gloves compared to how it would have gone for her if she couldn't get to her base yesterday.

Precisely because I know she's gonna get her head loop off at her base, that's WHY I think it's horrible for anybody to give her shit for it. She's already in shit. That's why I say, kicking someone when she's down is not nice!

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 9/30/2015 5:45:47 AM >

(in reply to angelikaJ)

RE: question for The Dom/masters - 9/30/2015 5:42:07 AM

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

I think the only difference between arranged and traditional marriages is one you learn to live with each other before you sign the paper, the other after....what ive seen of arranged marriages works better than people choosing their own mate. And thats because of a sense of duty and higher purpose. They arent trying for something about them like "love" they make it work for family, for their children, for the community.... and yeah you can feel trapped by that but it can also add a sense of purpose.

My family and the community I grew up in supported arranged marriages.... my mother had me at 16, my parents loved each other obsessively but they had a really destructive relationship...many because my mother was young and would do anything to get away from her parents.... it just continued a cycle. It would have never worked for me because my parents were evil and selfserving... they people they tried to set me up with were for their own benefit.... I have friends who it worked out for though, their parents made good choices and they have happy families

Like with anything it depends on the people involved.

(in reply to Greta75)

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