He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (Full Version)

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Aquanerd1983 -> He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:04:37 AM)

please help me. I’m desperately miserable right now. My Dom took on a second sub. We’ve been together almost 5 months, the past couple months he’s been actively seeking a second sub. I encouraged this. I grew to welcome it, but it hasn’t been easy. I know there are things he needs I can’t give him, so accepting him looking for those things elsewhere was a way for me to show how committed I was in my submission. However, he meets this new girl on Sunday, by Monday night he is calling her his sub and they’ve been intimate and played. What was once theoretical has become reality and I can’t stop crying. I’m happy for him then I’m horribly jealous then I’m sad and can’t eat. I want these bad feelings to go away. I want to be ok. Please help.



LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:10:06 AM)

you haven't talked, negotiated and got to know him for a while have you? Those are the three ways if you can tell if you are compatible. but newbies all too many times make the mistake jumping into submission without, talking and negotiating first. To me it sounds like he's for poly and you can't do poly and you didn't realize it because you didn't talk and negotiate like I tell newbies to do all the time. Giving submission is not to be taken lightly.

With that out of the way you have three options.

1. talk to him to tell him how you feel.
2. stay and put up with it
3. leave, eventually find a Dominant that isn't poly so you won't have jealous feelings, but I stress talk and negotiate before you agree to submission



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:27:11 AM)

No, I'm poly too. I'm married. It's why I encouraged him to seek another sub. He and I negotiated for 2 months before I was comfortable with being his official sub. But this new girl is his sub after knowing him for 24 hrs. It went so fast, I didn't handle it well, he and I talked and talked ad nauseum. He assures me I'm still a priority and he cares about me, etc. But my jealousy over how fast this girl was able to just jump in and some of the things she told me about herself when we met, make me so unhappy. I want to not care about her. I want to be like her and just be nonchalant about other women. She has a lot of experience being the other woman to a lot of other guys, so she sees this arrangement as something similar I guess. Fun and games. But I wasn't going to be the faceless woman of the man she was sleeping with. So I met her. I don't like her. So now I'm struggling with accepting his choices. I don't want to leave him, I just want to stop thinking about this other girl



LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:33:45 AM)

who are you married to the Dominant? or you married to someone and cheating on him with the Dominant?

I've only had one poly relationship and I think it's supposed to be above board, but maybe you should ask this in the poly group.

also 2 months is not a long time as well to decide you are going to make a commitment to a Dominant, unless you are just looking for a roll in the hay.



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:38:31 AM)

I'm married to a vanilla guy who agreed to a dadt arrangement where I seek my bdsm desires outside our marriage. I have had play in the past but made sure to never fall for anyone. But I've fallen for Daddy, hard. It's made things so much harder to handle when he plays with others, and now it's miserable when he finally took on an actual sub, not just someone he plays with.



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:40:25 AM)

And Daddy and I have been together 5 months, negotiated for 2. I don't personally think there is an ideal time for how long negotiation or commitment had to take place. Every dynamic is unique.



LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:46:05 AM)

you need to find out if you're compatible. a lot of the newbies think "play" is sex and that's not what BDSM play is.

if he's not married, maybe he was looking for someone that actually isn't married as well, to actually have a real BDSM relationship with a submissive that wasn't attached to a married man/woman.

if it were me I wouldn't be involved with a Dominant that was married to someone in BDSM or vanilla, I have no interest in being a Mistress, I have more respect for myself than that. being married and being involved with someone in the lifestyle at the same time reminds me of cheating to me.



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:49:41 AM)

He's single
That's why I accepted and encouraged him to find a single sub. That's not the issue. He and I are extremely compatible. Insane chemistry. I just want to not worry about or hate her. Right now I hate her. And I can't tell Daddy that. It'll upset him. It's not my place.



NookieNotes -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:52:26 AM)

OK, so I'm going to take this at face value that you are poly and this is on the up-and-up, because one of my very good friends is in a similar position: Married to vanilla who knows she's kinky and encourages her to get those needs met elsewhere.

So, just because you are married, it doesn't mean you don't bond to others.

Which is what has happened, which is good. However, you're not liking it now, which is not good.

So, the questions are:

Does your dominant still give you the attention you used to get? If not, have you asked him about this?

Does your dominant still give you the positive feedback you used to get? If not, have you asked him about this?

If your relationship has changed only by him adding another, that's something in your mind. If it's changed in other, measurable ways, that's something you need to talk with him about.

Make sense?



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:52:38 AM)

She is an experienced Mistress herself. She told me all her sexual partners are married. I said she needs to tell Daddy about her other men. It not only affects him but could affect me and she needs to be 100% with him if she is serious about him and let him decide what he will accept. I wasn't going to be the faceless partner of the man she was sleeping with like she's treated all her other partners. I don't think she expected that.



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 8:57:25 AM)

@NookieNotes
Yes, that's exactly it. He isn't really treating me any different. Though he did use my paddle on her and I was not happy about that. He promised not to use any of my toys on her or anyone else from now on. I know it's my jealousy that's making me miserable and thinking about what she can do for him that I can't, like spend the night. It breaks my heart



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:31:40 AM)

It sounds to me as if the green-eyed monster is the one giving you the real grief.
That is something you need to deal with.

Talk about it with your daddy and see if you can find a workaround the problem.
I think LilJuly said it best.
You have 3 choices: 1) Talk, 2) Put up with it, 3) Leave.
You can dance around the bushes all you like, but it basically boils down to those 3 choices.

Sometimes, in situations like this, you have to be a little selfish and think of yourself for once.
None of this "it's not my place" crap - your life IS your place.
If you can't control the jealousy, you'll have to leave before you make the relationship toxic.
It really is as simple as that. There's no magic bullet.



LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:32:08 AM)

sounds to me like she's part of the problem and I'll go back to what I always say, talk talk and talk. just because you're submissive doesn't mean you don't have any rights, it's your relationship you have to talk to him about it, it's your place to figure things out for yourself.



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:35:18 AM)

She's only been in his life for a week. I know he's still learning her and she him. But I still don't like her. I can't tell him that. How could I?



LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:41:23 AM)

you can still discuss your feelings, common misconception that you can't, but you can and than you gotta make a choice what you want.

how two Dominants can hook up is beyond me, they don't call it D/s or M/s relationships for nothing.



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:42:00 AM)

I understand what you are saying @freedom, but can I really walk away after him only being with this other girl for a week. I'm trying to give it a chance, for him to show me another sub isn't going to threaten my position with him and for me to give myself a chance to really accept him taking on another sub. I simply want to stop worrying and obsessing about her. She seems to already be able to not think about me, she's obviously experienced in disregarding other women with her other male partners, so I'm trying to do the same but I can't do it yet. I need help on how to do that, on how to trust in Daddy and me no matter who comes along.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:43:58 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983

She's only been in his life for a week. I know he's still learning her and she him. But I still don't like her. I can't tell him that. How could I?


If the new girl is upsetting your life to the point that it's giving you serious concerns - you need to talk to him.
If you really can't face telling him, then you need to walk.... seriously.



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:44:06 AM)

Two dominants? I didn't say anything about that.



Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:47:13 AM)

Oh, I see the confusion. When I said Mistress I meant the affair partner of married men, not a Domme. She identifies as a sub, but my Daddy is her first actual BDSM experience. She's never done bdsm before, just slept around a lot with married men.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:47:47 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983

Two dominants? I didn't say anything about that.

Ummmm.... Yes you did.
In post#10: "She is an experienced Mistress herself".
A mistress is a dominant person - not a submissive.



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