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RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/17/2016 5:14:31 PM

Posts: 14414
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffygiggler

She has let me see her journals, which is why I know small details like how dishes are done.

No, you actually only know how she says the dishes are done.

There are three sides to every story, you only know hers, and hers may be colored by resentment and jealousy.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to fluffygiggler)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/17/2016 8:19:55 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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This is just getting to be too much.

According to your story, a Dom has two subs in a V relationship. One sub is resentful that the other sub has the Dom's ear and can sometimes change his mind. The resentful sub speaks to the Dom and is shut down. So far, it all makes sense.

Then she contacts a third party (OP) to poll a bunch of Internet strangers, presumably to try to change the Dom's mind after being given a final decision.

Look, I'm as reasonable as any Dom, but if I rendered a final judgment and my sub wanted to bring it up again, she'd better have a damned good reason for doing so. An opinion from bunch of Internet strangers who were given various details, but I suspect not the whole picture, would NOT be close to the damned good reason.

I've got a better idea. Why don't you explain to the Dom that his sub is unhappy with his decision, and offer to mediate between the two/three of them? Likely she'll either quit or get booted, but your chances of that happening are less than by asking us.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/17/2016 8:39:24 PM

Posts: 22
Joined: 9/5/2016
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Her problems aren't with the alpha sub, but with the fact that her Dom can't make a decision and then stick with it.

But sure, I guess that I'm in the wrong for asking on a forum for advice about their relationship. I just didn't want to be involved physically. I only wanted to offer her advice, but I couldn't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

This is just getting to be too much.

According to your story, a Dom has two subs in a V relationship. One sub is resentful that the other sub has the Dom's ear and can sometimes change his mind. The resentful sub speaks to the Dom and is shut down. So far, it all makes sense.

Then she contacts a third party (OP) to poll a bunch of Internet strangers, presumably to try to change the Dom's mind after being given a final decision.

Look, I'm as reasonable as any Dom, but if I rendered a final judgment and my sub wanted to bring it up again, she'd better have a damned good reason for doing so. An opinion from bunch of Internet strangers who were given various details, but I suspect not the whole picture, would NOT be close to the damned good reason.

I've got a better idea. Why don't you explain to the Dom that his sub is unhappy with his decision, and offer to mediate between the two/three of them? Likely she'll either quit or get booted, but your chances of that happening are less than by asking us.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/17/2016 8:53:55 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

.

According to your story, a Dom has two subs in a V relationship.

And actually the two subs aren't in a V relationship since the alpha is clearly involved in the relationship with the second submissive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffygiggler

Her problems aren't with the alpha sub, but with the fact that her Dom can't make a decision and then stick with it.

I'd put money on the fact that she does have an issue with the Alpha sub, since she's the person originating the changes.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/18/2016 12:09:15 AM

YourSincereSlave

Posts: 82
Joined: 7/29/2016
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They say only fools don't change their minds...
In fact, as long as the argument is valid, I would prefer it. Anyone who never changes their minds simply to make a point are not that great, imho, dominant or not.

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/18/2016 12:35:32 PM

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
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OP, What I'm getting from the story is the sub feels she is being dominated by the alpha sub, not the Dom, and she doesn't like it.
The reason she doesn't like it is unclear since we've never heard directly from her. It seems it could be either "I wanted to be submissive to him, not her", to jealousy that the Dom places stock in the alpha sub's opinion. We have no idea where the Dom stands in this.

Regardless, there is only 1 piece of advice that can be given: she has to talk to the Dom about her feelings. They have to work it out. You may think you're trying to be helpful, but you are actually creating an echo-chamber and not adding anything useful to her situation. You've just been digging at the responses here for validation to your own opinion (or perhaps it is her opinion, but the difference doesn't much matter). She needs to talk to the Dom to figure out with him what is going on and whether she still wants to be his sub.

Personally I think chances are the Dom "changes his mind" because he agrees with the alpha on the occasions he has "changed his mind" (although none of the examples brought up shows him changing his mind, just adding consideration for what the alpha brought up). If your friend cannot accept that then they are probably done, but that would be your friend's choice.

< Message edited by Alecta -- 9/18/2016 12:36:44 PM >

(in reply to fluffygiggler)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/20/2016 8:41:28 PM

Posts: 5079
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

OP, What I'm getting from the story is the sub feels she is being dominated by the alpha sub, not the Dom, and she doesn't like it.

I think the problem is that the Dom is being dominated by the Alpha 'Sub' too... and no, i don't think too many subs would like that either.

(in reply to Alecta)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/20/2016 10:32:05 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

OP, What I'm getting from the story is the sub feels she is being dominated by the alpha sub, not the Dom, and she doesn't like it.

I think the problem is that the Dom is being dominated by the Alpha 'Sub' too... and no, i don't think too many subs would like that either.

Yeah...but... I'm willing to bet it's not entirely accurate since 1) disgruntled in an emotional situation and 2) second hand information.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to tamaka)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/20/2016 11:27:37 PM

JVoV

Posts: 3226
Joined: 3/9/2015
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The other sub is completely undermining the Dom in this situation, and being rather petty about it.

(in reply to fluffygiggler)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/20/2016 11:31:21 PM

JVoV

Posts: 3226
Joined: 3/9/2015
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

OP, What I'm getting from the story is the sub feels she is being dominated by the alpha sub, not the Dom, and she doesn't like it.

I think the problem is that the Dom is being dominated by the Alpha 'Sub' too... and no, i don't think too many subs would like that either.

Yeah...but... I'm willing to bet it's not entirely accurate since 1) disgruntled in an emotional situation and 2) second hand information.

Luckily it isn't going before a grand jury. But in relationships of any sort, 'accuracy' is less important than perception.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/20/2016 11:56:18 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JVoV

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

OP, What I'm getting from the story is the sub feels she is being dominated by the alpha sub, not the Dom, and she doesn't like it.

I think the problem is that the Dom is being dominated by the Alpha 'Sub' too... and no, i don't think too many subs would like that either.

Yeah...but... I'm willing to bet it's not entirely accurate since 1) disgruntled in an emotional situation and 2) second hand information.

Luckily it isn't going before a grand jury. But in relationships of any sort, 'accuracy' is less important than perception.

I disagree. The second subs perception is important. The perception of a third party and ours as a fourth party receiving information from a game of telephone...is not to be relied upon.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to JVoV)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 12:37:23 AM

BubblegumTicTac

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/21/2016
Status: offline

I'm the sub fluffygiggler is talking about. I had to sign up just to say what's actually going on.

Quoted is exactly how I feel.
I read all the other posts.

I'm not wanting to steal her Dom. I'm just not wanting to feel like she's my Dom too.

I have tried communicating with him that I wish he wouldn't change his orders because of what she says, because of my believing it is not doing anything to strengthen our relationship. I didn't sign up for a triad. I shouldn't have to feel like that is the case.

But most likely, I'm not going to win this battle. He's going to take her side on everything. So this post doesn't matter anymore. I'm wanting to leave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

OP, What I'm getting from the story is the sub feels she is being dominated by the alpha sub, not the Dom, and she doesn't like it.

I think the problem is that the Dom is being dominated by the Alpha 'Sub' too... and no, i don't think too many subs would like that either.

(in reply to tamaka)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 1:09:56 AM

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline

quote:

I'm the sub fluffygiggler is talking about. I had to sign up just to say what's actually going on.

Quoted is exactly how I feel.
I read all the other posts.

I'm not wanting to steal her Dom. I'm just not wanting to feel like she's my Dom too.

I have tried communicating with him that I wish he wouldn't change his orders because of what she says, because of my believing it is not doing anything to strengthen our relationship. I didn't sign up for a triad. I shouldn't have to feel like that is the case.

But most likely, I'm not going to win this battle. He's going to take her side on everything. So this post doesn't matter anymore. I'm wanting to leave.
quote:

Maybe I'm confused but if the alpha was there when you moved in then that is exactly what you signed up for.

The problem I see happen time and time again in poly situations is that there is a rush of "new sub frenzy". Rather than taking the time to sit down and discuss exactly what everyone's roles and places are there is a rush to jump in. Then once reality sets in there is rumbling, grumbling accusations, and claiming of exactly what I bolded above.

What exactly was the agreement regarding hierarchy prior to you moving in? What discussion of place occurred? To me there seems to be a very vital element of communication missing. There needs to be a serious sit down involving adult conversation discussing expectations, hierarchy, and place. One that should have taken place long before joining in.

Edited for F*cked up quote issues

TFS it still isn't right but I give up!

< Message edited by SDFemDom4cuck -- 9/21/2016 1:15:51 AM >

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to BubblegumTicTac)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 1:52:02 AM

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BubblegumTicTac

I'm the sub fluffygiggler is talking about. I had to sign up just to say what's actually going on.

Quoted is exactly how I feel.
I read all the other posts.

I'm not wanting to steal her Dom. I'm just not wanting to feel like she's my Dom too.

I have tried communicating with him that I wish he wouldn't change his orders because of what she says, because of my believing it is not doing anything to strengthen our relationship. I didn't sign up for a triad. I shouldn't have to feel like that is the case.

But most likely, I'm not going to win this battle. He's going to take her side on everything. So this post doesn't matter anymore. I'm wanting to leave.

If you are the other sub that fluffy is refering to, it seems as if both of you are accusing each other of the same thing.

Fluffy's opening post said: "In a poly relationship, (a V relationship), would you want to stay in a Dom/sub relationship where your Dom would always change his order that he gave to you to what she says to do if the alpha sub disagreed with his initial order?"
The way I read that was that fluffy was the victim of the dom changing his mind.

Yet you say: "I'm just not wanting to feel like she's my Dom too.
I have tried communicating with him that I wish he wouldn't change his orders because of what she says"
This is saying the same thing - from the 'other' sub.

So my question is.... who is the victim here?
Is it fluffy or TicTac??

With both saying the same thing, my guess is the dom isn't being much of a 'dom' at all.

If either sub is feeling the same way, they both have the option of leaving.
To my mind, they should both leave as this dom doesn't deserve either of them.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to BubblegumTicTac)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 1:54:31 AM

BubblegumTicTac

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/21/2016
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I'm not a live in sub. Plus I'm not in a relationship with the alpha. From the beginning we were agreed that our relationship was only friendly, and not romantic.

Edited to add the not.

< Message edited by BubblegumTicTac -- 9/21/2016 1:55:00 AM >

(in reply to SDFemDom4cuck)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 1:56:56 AM

BubblegumTicTac

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/21/2016
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I meant the sub that is having troubles with the alpha. Sorry for not being clear

(in reply to BubblegumTicTac)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 2:57:50 AM

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
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tending to agree with the new subfrenzy part. Seems to me you jumped into poly without discussing and communicating with the Dominant and maybe with the alpha sub.

(in reply to BubblegumTicTac)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 3:11:13 AM

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BubblegumTicTac

I'm not a live in sub. Plus I'm not in a relationship with the alpha. From the beginning we were agreed that our relationship was only friendly, and not romantic.

Edited to add the not.

But you did agree to this by being in a poly situation with a Dom and his alpha. Whether you live there or not you would have interaction with her when visiting him. Her being the alpha already determines that by hierarchy in and of itself. That is how a poly works unless specifically discussed and agreed to otherwise. I find it interesting that my other answers as far as what was discussed regarding interaction and protocol before you agreed to entering a poly relationship. If your answers so far are any indication there is definitely a communication issue going on.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to BubblegumTicTac)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 3:26:27 AM

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffygiggler

I'm the friend of the submissive. I don't know what to tell her, so I turned to the forums.
She isn't interested in this site, which is why she is not asking herself.

She has let me see her journals, which is why I know small details like how dishes are done.

I haven't stated my opinion about the situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffygiggler

These are not about me, I'm single, so please don't aim your responses as if I'm the sub in this situation.

So, let me see if I understand this: You're getting this second hand from a disgruntled submissive...and think we should support your opinion.

If this were my friend I would ask her if she was happy with the dynamic and if she wasn't, I would help her to find a new one. I'm pretty sure no one is holding a gun to her head making her stay.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to fluffygiggler)

RE: A Dom that lets his alpha sub change his mind - 9/21/2016 3:32:59 AM

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

tending to agree with the new subfrenzy part. Seems to me you jumped into poly without discussing and communicating with the Dominant and maybe with the alpha sub.

It seems from her post#55 that this was indeed discussed and an agreement reached.
However, her post only depicts the romantic side of things, not the power dynamic.
It doesn't appear to be a well balanced V arrangement.

That said, a new sub entering into an already established D/s setup very rarely is unless a lot of careful discussion has taken place beforehand.
Also bearing in mind the newbie isn't a live-in like the alpha sub is, unless otherwise agreed, the alpha sub is very likely to be a steering influence on the dom whether the newbie realises it or not; purely by virtue that the alpha is there 24/7 and the newbie isn't.

I think the non-live-in newbie would be better off seeking a more compatible V.

ETA: I seem to have missed a whole page of responses!
OP didn't explain she was only a friend of the disgruntled sub, not the other party involved.
That still doesn't detract from my original post#2: the sub can walk away if they aren't happy with the arrangement.
I think that would be the best move in this scenario.
Not happy = walk away. Simples!

< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 9/21/2016 3:46:13 AM >

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to LilJuly76)

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