LafayetteLady
Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
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~Fast Reply~
First, I've kind of abandoned this site for a while and on an insomniatic whim, stopped in. I just want to say how nice it is to see so many "old" faces that had also disappeared for a while.
To the OP:
While in many ways, a "General Power of Attorney" is the same in every state, there are some differences that vary by state law. I live in NJ, and what you are describing is known here as a "Durable Power of Attorney."
Given everything you have stated here, you are wildly attracted to your idea of this man, but in reality he really is not the man you have made him in your mind. You seem to have some pretty concrete knowledge of what you do and don't like, as does he and they seem to be very different. This is a huge problem. More often than not, when part of mind is asking, "is this an insane thing for me to do?" that is our instinct saying, "DO NOT DO THIS." The problem is that many people are unable to trust this basic survival instinct. If your gut says it is a bad idea (which it seems to be doing), then don't do it.
Here's the thing with POAs'. You have to be sure that the person you are assigning it to will not abuse it. In the work I currently do, I have a Durable Power of Attorney over one of my clients. Due to the situation, this man has knowingly given me the power to make any and all decisions regarding his life, both financial and medical. However, he also knew when the issue came up that I would never abuse that power. This would be because we had a very long discussion of the reasons to do it, the benefits to him and how it applied to his situation. There have been a couple of medical situations where we again had to discuss that I had the power and ability to override what he wanted if I thought the situation became serious enough to do so. The first time, he needed to be reminded that he gave me that right because he trusted me with his life and that even though he was terrified of going to the ER, it was necessary. The second time, he wanted to wait awhile and see if the situation resolved itself. That second time, I abided by his wishes, but monitored him very closely until I was confident that we could safely not go to the ER and deal with it with a PCP.
Having that kind of control over someone's life is not something that should be taken lightly or done as part of a power exchange relationship because he likely read it somewhere and thought it was "hot."
I have the Durable POA over this man because his situation, which is not relative to this conversation, indicates that me doing so is in his best interest. His best interest is key here. Because during these medical situations that I have spoken of, I didn't simply make a decision and then go on with my day. I had to be with him in the hospital nearly the entire time, talk with the doctors, help him understand the gravity of the situation, and yes, even help ease his fears that we needed to do what we were doing and that I would be there as long as was necessary to make sure everything that was necessary was done. There is absolutely nothing beneficial to ME in having this POA, it is all about the benefit to HIM, and how he needs assistance in his life to improve his situation right now.
In your case, I see no way how this benefits YOU, rather that it is all part of the power exchange situation he finds desirable. You know you have a drinking problem. As Gauge said, forcing you to attend AA meetings is not going to miraculously stop you from drinking. Again, as Gauge said, you won't stop until you have that "come to Jesus" moment that makes you want to stop. AA worked for Gauge and that is great, however, addiction treatment must be tailored to each individual. For instance, some people get great benefit from a support group type setting, while others benefit more from an individual one on one approach, or even in patient treatment. This man does not know you well enough to know which type of thing will work best for you.
Those people I mentioned it was so nice to see again here have given you solid, experienced advice. They have been in solid relationships for years and they or their partners have earned the right to have that kind of control over their life. That is not your situation. This man has done nothing to earn the right to control your life other than tell you he will not consider your feelings, what is in your best interest and what he intends to force you to do. This is the complete opposite of who you should ever give Power of Attorney to. He knows you have a drinking problem (as do probably most of the people in your life), but what does HE know about addiction and how your problem should be properly handled if you were in a relationship with him? When you tell him something scares you, he doesn't ease your fears, he tells you that your fear will be irrelevant. How is this going to improve your life.
While I do not agree with Ishtarr's situations, and would never, ever recommend them, I am pretty sure that before she entered into those situations she knew enough about the person she would be giving control to that they even though she would have no right to say "no," there was enough compatibility between what they wanted that she was comfortable moving forward. On the other side of that, to many people she enjoys some pretty hardcore things that aren't for everyone, so there is a much broader availability of what she is okay doing or "enduring" for and with her partner. You do not seem to be that way, and many people aren't. Her way is not wrong, but it really is not for everyone, and would be inadvisable for more people than not.
Given the five pages of most people (even Ishtarr) telling you to think very carefully about this decision or not to move forward, I truly do not understand how you can continue to ignore your initial instinct that told you this was NOT a good idea.
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