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vincentML -> RE: inferior? (4/4/2017 10:53:32 AM)
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quote:
As a Dominant woman, or even as a top, I consider myself as having to attempt to sort out certain things. One of them, as many Dominant women have mentioned countless times over the years on the boards is, does this person really think this kind deal works the same way it does in porn. Is the person honestly mentally unhealthy, believing themselves to be a lesser human being?
Did they just make the mistake of leading with their kink first? It's hard to tell when people have only the stereotypes of porn to go on, so you have to wonder which of the categories that they are coming from.
mm
Let's stay with the original form of your question, LP, as none of us has reason to believe you are male-bashing here. Essentially, I take it you are asking is this guy authentic?
Isn't this question always asked in any real life (non-BDSM) environment as well. The lady is at a party where she is chatted up by a guy. Doesn't she wonder if he is authentic in the strictly male/female hetero mode of encounter? Seems to me that the answer in part depends on her motives. If she is out for an evening of entertainment and casual sex I think she might not question his authenticity as a sexual provider beyond the most rudimentary comments, given of course that he observes that she is obviously a classy lady who would be repelled by any sluttish approach. They pursue the game, have a night of fulfilling sex and closeness, and move on never to meet again.
Now suppose instead the classy lady was in search of a life partner and the chatting up got around to his earning power, stability, love of kids, etc., in the meanwhile the two are absolutely mesmerized one by the other, love at first sight. From there a whirlwind courtship evolves, meeting the families, engagement ring, by the end of two years they are married, by the end of three years they are parents, and in a few more years he is cheating on her with other women.
Was he not being authentic when they first met? Sure he was. So, what happened? All that authenticity was titrated by the production and flow of the bonding chemical Oxytocin produced in their brains. At first they both produced the love tonic in abundance. After the child was born the lady's oxytocin was produced almost exclusively in the presence of the child, and daddy was starting to feel left out. He sought bonding elsewhere. This does not happen in all cases but . . . 50% of marriages fail. And yet, each male was sincere and authentic at the start.
Let's apply the same scenario in a BDSM setting. Looking for play at a club? Almost any bullshit is tolerated.
Looking for a life mate or even a long term relationship? Take care. The Lady is a Domme. Let's assume she is a natural born Domme, if any patterns of social behavior are natural born. I am skeptical, I will confess.
But now her question is the authenticity of the submissive nature of her suitor. Was he born submissive (in female/male relationships)? Did he learn his submissiveness? And in learning it was it reinforced by repeated exposure to the theme in porn or even classic media? And by this reinforcement did he become addicted to the behavior? Could he make love without his kink?
Addictions present some common neurological behaviors, whether the addictions are substance abuse or compulsive behaviors, opium abuse or gambling, it doesn’t matter. There are a few neurotransmitters that are commonly triggered. The most formidable is the simple compound known as dopamine which is produced in the synapses between neurons. When it is released all stress is exhaled away. Cross-dressers report this commonly when they dress. The problem is that the original “high” -- the initial relief -- is never fully repeated, so the addict is constantly searching for his fix.
I have a lady friend who dated a dresser for several years. His addiction was so powerful he became irritated and domineering in his insistence that she follow his script, otherwise he fell into a most insufferable tantrum. The bottom line was that he could never put her pleasure first.
Another lady friend was married to a submissive guy for five years before she lost him to a heart attack. Theirs was clearly a female lead relationship. He accepted her decisions as final even if it had to do where he contracted his civil engineering business. She did not want him to travel too far. She explained that the kink was only a small but significant part of their relationship.
I hope my rambling was somewhat on point to your question, LP. Let me stop here lest I make a worse muddle of it, and pause for your replies.
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