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ORIGINAL: DocStrange

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ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

However... (and this isn't relevant to anything you said, it's just an aside... so people the following has no impact to anything DocStrange said!!!)...

I get to the point of FoF quite often during my play. In fact, it's a state I push for on purpose, and it happened at various points during my week with my captor. I'm familiar with the state, and how it feels, and how to deal with it. What happened this time wasn't FoF.

Instead I think I experienced an episode of psychological decompensation, and had what basically amounted to a minor psychotic break. I think that the decompensation was caused, at least in part, by the fact that I suffered various FoF reactions that day (and the prior days) for which I had no physical outlets... other triggers included active sensory deprivation, sleep deprivation, freshly being tortured (and accompanying hormone flood), as well as being on half rations calorie wise for a week.

Basically I reached a point where I could no longer process what I was experiencing, and suffered temporary psychosis as a result. Which is different from a FoF, because FoF isn't the result of being unable to process an event, but rather one of going into hyper-processing as a method of protecting yourself against the current event.
The hyper focus that's so typical with FoF was completely absent for me, I was instead very unfocused and scattered, I was sluggish, dull, and passive, had problems with short term memory, and trouble with physical coordination. Oh, and I was very very itchy for some reason.

So totally agree with you... but that's not what happened.

Thank you for sharing in such detail and clarifying what you went through was not FOF.

On a side note I also enjoy being taken to FoF state. I love the adrenaline rush that come with that. The hyper awareness the body goes into. And if one is bound and cannot expend the energy once reaching that state, that feeling lasts a long time :)

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ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

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ORIGINAL: tamaka

psychologically it's just not the same headspace if it were real.

BDSMer never go for emulating the real headspace.

Real rape isn't sexy. Neither is real racism for race players. Neither is real pedophilia to age players. Neither are real personal attacks by strangers to humiliation players. Neither is dropping a bowling ball on your foot to a masochist.

The whole point of kink is to take various forms of taboos and change them enough so that they become sexy.
Of course that doesn't end you up with the real thing. That's not the point. It's never the point.

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ORIGINAL: CaptiveControl

I am Ishtar's captor. I was borderline on whether I would post (both here and fetlife)... I decided to post because I at least want 'proof' that this was me, when I'm trying to recruit other captives.

So, ask me anything, if you care to. I'll probably reply :).

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I can assure you none of you have seen me angry, ever. But you keep up this pish you will.

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ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

I tried my first hand at a fictionalized erotica short based on the experience.

It's based on truth (my captor did call me cunt) but the emotional severity of the event is exaggerated for literary purposes. I might do more of these at some point. And eventually tie them all into a story.

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Cunt

One of the first things Cali did was name me.
He didn't go through some sort of formal naming ritual to do so, instead, in the first 24 hours of my captivity, he tended to refer to me with all sorts of vile expressions. After a while, one of the words just seemed to stick, and that word was 'cunt'.

Except, seeing cunt written out like that could never convey to you what exactly it was that Cali named me. Written all innocently like that, cunt is nothing more than a vulgar term for female genitalia. But when Cali used the word as my name, he didn't say it like that. He transformed it, condensed it, and spat it out, placing the emphasis on the first and last consonants, with such ferocity that it almost sounded like they were leaving a foul taste in his mouth. He spat them out, with such hatred that it ended up making cunt sound like he was momentarily speaking a foreign language. When Cali said what he'd named me, it sounded like KunT.

As he used this assault in verbiage to address and refer to me by, you could tell that the meaning he gave to the term went far beyond its literal vulgarity. In the way he wrenched out the term, it quickly became clear that to Cali, KunT meant all the deepest, darkest and foulest things you could come up with to refer to another person. No, not to a person, nobody could call a fellow human being a term with the subtext of KunT, but something below a person. Something vile and despicable. A slab of rotting meat. Something so repulsive and low, worthy of only the worst the human mind can conjure up, that it was almost offensive to him to think about it, let alone to refer to it with a word, a name.

These ideas of contempt was what Cali was conveying as he called me KunT. The lack of empathy, the scorn, derision, and disdain dripping out of the entire monosyllabic word as he threw it at me as if it was a physical assault to my body and mind. The word itself nothing more than a placeholder to convey the very primal idea of the very worst.

So KunT it was. KunT, I now was. And realizing that this word, in its full ignominy, with the full subtext of what was behind it, was to be my new name for the foreseeable future was only the beginning glimpse of the barrage of psychological and physical assaults that was yet to come...

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ORIGINAL: Bhruic

I'm kind of surprised that, for a carefully staged abduction and captivity scene, the big impactful thing you are first reporting about is that he contemptuously called you a bad name. I assume other things happened, but if that is the thing that really sticks with you, it sounds like a much much milder scene than I was expecting.

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ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

I find that, for me at least, your perspective is really unimportant and irrelevant. As I am a sort of subbish masochist, it is Ishtar's perspective, her interpretation of what happened and her reaction(s) to that idea that has relevance to me.

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ORIGINAL: tamaka

Ishtar- i was wondering.... was it an eye doctor and/or opthomologist that diagnosed your vision loss as fluid on the eye related?

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ORIGINAL: tamaka

Ok because you also described a bad headache and bad headache and blurred vision are the sign of a stroke. I have two friends who both have wives that had a stroke in their early 30's. Both girls were otherwise very healthy, non-smokers, in good shape, etc.