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questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 10:08:23 AM   
subsa


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Master and i have been getting more and more into the lifestyle for a while.  it's getting harder and harder to keep our dynamic (24/7) a secret.  its very obvious that i defer to him in all things.  i'm finding myself slipping and saying and doing things that make our relationship transparent to outside observers.  for example, we went to a party this weekend at my brother's house.  i slipped and called Master 'Master' instead of his name.  fortunately it was a pre-renfaire event and i just played it off as part of the 'costume'.  but this isn't the first time something like this happened and i'm getting 'the look' from some people in my life. 

here's my questions...
1-who knows about wiitwd in your life?
2-how did you tell them?
3-what was their reaction?

i'd appreciate any advice you'd care to give in prepping people to accept my choice. 

LA- do you have any links?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 10:17:58 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		DO I? :)

Reposted:
First, this is a lot like the coming out process that homosexuals have to deal with as well.

Secondly, make sure that you are prepared to handle questions and reactions that might come at you. Sometimes they might be ok with it, sometimes they might be confused, or angry or worried or other things- make sure you can handle whatever is going to be thrown at you.

Next, decide whether you think they are ready for you to come out to them. I'm out to my sister but not to my mother. I doubt I ever will come out t my mom. It's not so much about my own privacy, but about her comfort level. I don't need her to know about me being owned property in order for my relationship to be healthy with her.

Next, on a person by person basis, pick good timing. Holidays are not good. If you're telling casual friends, then do it at a party or some place where youa re being casual. If you are telling a best friend or relative, leave privacy and space to talk.

Your OWN attitude will shine through more than anything you actually say. Keep it simple, keep it generic, keep it nilla-friendly at first, and show that you are happy with this choice. Make sure that you project an attitude of confidence and sincerity. They don't have to understand the relationship as long as they understand it makes you happy.

And give it time. Coming out is a PROCESS, it rarely happens all in one bunch. The more practice you get at coming out, the easier it gets.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237
Coming Out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704
Telling Family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726
real world acceptance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 10:19:01 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsa

Master and i have been getting more and more into the lifestyle for a while. it's getting harder and harder to keep our dynamic (24/7) a secret. its very obvious that i defer to him in all things. i'm finding myself slipping and saying and doing things that make our relationship transparent to outside observers. for example, we went to a party this weekend at my brother's house. i slipped and called Master 'Master' instead of his name. fortunately it was a pre-renfaire event and i just played it off as part of the 'costume'. but this isn't the first time something like this happened and i'm getting 'the look' from some people in my life.

here's my questions...
1-who knows about wiitwd in your life?
2-how did you tell them?
3-what was their reaction?

i'd appreciate any advice you'd care to give in prepping people to accept my choice.

LA- do you have any links?


All of our friends know that I own Fox. They also know that I do not believe in pushing my personal life onto them and that we are rather laid back people. Therefore we really don't behave much differently than any other couple where one person has more power/authority than another (I think most couples are this way consensually or not, consciously or not).

However you have to decide why you want to tell people.

I tell our friends because they come into my house -- I will not be someone else or curb myself in my own bloody home.

My family (Tom's and Fox's too) do not live anywhere near us therefore they do not come into our house and on those very rare moment when they have visited they know that Fox is a part of our family -- if they asked more questions we would tell them.

My students have no business in my personal life nor do my colleagues. When they have seen us out either as a couple or a triad, they are introduced to Fox as "my partner".

So you need to determine why using the word "master" is important to you and if you are willing to use a secondary word or no title at all when you are around non-kinky people. If you continue to use words like this it will make others uncomfortable. I think that is just a fact. You could probably use "sir" very easily without making as many people uncomfortable. Fox just leaves off any title in a non-kinky space -- he does not call me TammyJo however at any time unless it signals a problem he needs addressed.

I'm wandering a bit because there are ways to be out and true to yourselves that should not offend people or draw attention you may not want to you. It is really is a matter of what works for you and how much those others you interact with need or want to know.

I say, if they ask, they get the info they can handle. The degree to which you know them will help you determine just how much that is.


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 10:35:30 AM   
PONYSEEKER


Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I think I came out like maybe after the third scene.  I am not secretive at all about my lifestyle and although sometimes people have attitudes about it I often find that it is because they have this image of it in there mind that is compleatly different from the lifestyle I live. 
I get a lot of questions about it and I have found that its a lot easier when you have prestamped responses that sort of bend the vanilla in the direction you want them to take so to speak.  I very rarely will talk with anyone about what actually takes place in a scene.  One time I did explain to a woman that while I was living a vanilla lifestyle the woman that I was with probably orgasmed once out of every three times of having sex. But with BDSM the woman that I am with can orgasm 4-5 times in a single session however the type of sex that we have really has the same acts as vanilla it just cators to the mind more than anything else.  I also explain that D/S takes a responsable path to the natural inballances that often exists in relationships by addressing and handling control issues prior to the relationship becoming seriouse and that no one actually does control someone else.  I also draw comparison to several movies that are often described as "traditional" princess moveies that are considered cultural roll models that could never be obtained without D/S and there is allso the Fanny Hill thing where the Dominate and Submisive dynamics for a woman of the 1700's although opposite of todays values since womans sufferage is still like todays D/S a somewhat voluntary situation in which woman do have total control but over only certain catagories of life which kind of simplifies things.  It makes a woman definitively reponsible for specific catagories of the relationship which are clearly defined and prevents the couple from trespassing in areas or each others intrests removing the most common reasons for having arguments in the relationship..... and ... so on...  Anyways... my family and coworkers know about all of this and they ask me a lot of questions about it but I have never mistreated so to speak or disrespected for holding the beliefs that I have because my lifestyle can be compared to many traditional lifestyles that have existed in the past including the Puritans.  The fact that my SO and I choose to live this way is totally a matter of choice that is negotiable at any time.  It just goes on and on.... 

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 11:45:18 AM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		The beiggest thing to remember is that if you come off as being ashamed of this aspect of your life, its going to be hard to convince people there is nothing wrong with it. You dont need to make a big deal about outting yourself. Simply tell those that you want to be open with about it and let them ask questions if they feel they need to. Do not defend what you feel or do. Simply state..this is the way it is. And SMILE :) Those who you dont want to explain things to...just say...this is the way we are and let them make of it what they wish. The more comfortable you are with it..the easier it will be to get them to not think its a big deal.

I am pretty much out to everyone except my mother....and she doesnt want to know LOL

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to PONYSEEKER)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 11:52:44 AM   
subsa


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		thanks all for the responses!  i think i'm just going to let things progress naturally and hope it doesn't get to the point that everyone is ignoring the elephant in the corner of the room. that can be so awkward.  

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 3:31:42 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		1
quote:

-who knows about wiitwd in your life?


My best friend and my sister

quote:

2-how did you tell them?



I outright told my best friend

My sister read an email over my shoulder from my former dominant.

quote:

3-what was their reaction?



I found out my best friend is also a submissive, and I never outright told my sister, but she snickered behind my back

quote:

i'd appreciate any advice you'd care to give in prepping people to accept my choice. 



I would not know how to answer this as I never intend to come out in general life. I see no point to be in other people's faces about what we do. In our dynamic it is fairly easy. I have always deferred to men that I love, and I call him Daddy, not master... so no one thinks anything of it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 3:51:01 PM   
JustWhims


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/12/2006
Status: offline 		to start with, is there a reason you are obligated to explain your life to anyone? if you are a legal adult in your area, you don't have a legal or moral obligation to do so.  there are many vanillas that defer to their partner in public obviously, depending on who the inquisitor may be, you can take a polite but distant tone, since it really isn't their business.

1-who knows about wiitwd in your life?
pretty much everyone, including my employer.  i don't broadcast my life, nor do i take out newspaper ads, however, it is pretty obvious that my partner defers to my decisions in the majority of things

2-how did you tell them?
i didn't. if they asked a question, i would smile and ask them if they were really all that curious about my life.  they don't pay my bills, and don't have any reason to monitor my actions.

3-what was their reaction?
some were a little astounded, some were appalled, and some were curious/interested or smiled back [ that smile told it all]

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 4:05:29 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		here's my questions...
1-who knows about wiitwd in your life?     My family and close friends

2-how did you tell them? 
Made the mistake of telling my cousin in confidence... she took it from there :)

3-what was their reaction? My gay brother asked me "So, are  you top or bottom?"  The rest had a deer in the healights look and then could care less (This was the mid-west) 

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 5:08:58 PM   
Adelphus


Posts: 87
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		Sigh....going though this right now....
When I first started out, I told my dad in the company of a therapist in case something bad happened (I was still a dependant, even though I no longer lived with my parents...arg its a long story). I kept quiet about it for 3 years after, I mean, why did my mom need to know? Well then came my Lady and my mother began to get curious about who this person was, why was she twice my age, why did we spend so much time together, where did I meet her, ect. I can't lie (autistic people have real problems with lying) so I just said "how much of my life do you really want to know?"
That signal kept her out my hair for a while...but eventually she wanted to know more. The stress of having to keep a secret began to wear me down (autistic-type people suck at that too, we're pretty up-front), so I stopped calling altogether to keep from slipping up. Well that didn't work either. My dad didn't make things easier by telling my mother I wasn't calling because of my 'secret life'.
So eventually she calls me, starts poking around. She's playing the 'I'm your buddy" card and in the end I think I really wanted to believe her....
So....
Did I need to tell her? Maybe not. Am I glad I did? Yes, I HATE secrets, they paralyze me. Everyone else in my life knows, most them figured it out before I did. My grandmother knows and could care less.

Anyway, my parents aren't talking to me at the moment....

So it goes.



(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 7:12:44 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

1-who knows about wiitwd in your life?

My sister, my brother, my daughter, all my friends; before my mother passed away she knew, before my father passed away, he knew; before my oldest sister passed away, she knew; everyone on my later husbands side knows; including anyone who bothers to ask me about something that I may do or say in regards to it.

In other words, anyone who asks me, knows about me.

quote:

  2-how did you tell them?

With complete honesty

quote:

  3-what was their reaction?


Some confused, some worried, some perfectly ok with the choices that I make.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 8:35:02 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I have told only 3 people but my vanilla husband advertised for me before he died.  I am still dealing with the nastiness of that but oh well is my life and as long as my son is not harmed as a result to hell with others opinions of my life.  I am who i am and will stay true to myself regardless of others slant on bdsm.  In short i was outed against my will but well it doesn't matter people will treat me the way they treat me and some will even fear me which is to bad for them.


_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to Kalira)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 8:52:13 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsa
here's my questions...
1-who knows about wiitwd in your life?
2-how did you tell them?
3-what was their reaction?

1: Most of my friends know about the lifestyle I chose to lead, from wel back i the day when I first got involved.  Having lived in NY most of my life, I never really ran into any problems with being more or less out about it, since it was generaly accepted in my group of friends.  The pets I kept often interacted with my vanilla friends, and as long as they didnt get over the top with titles and subservient actions when we were around them it went over just fine. 

2: It wasnt hard, since it was part of who I was when I was introduced to them.  Yes, I had a lot of curiousity questions come up, since the majority of them only knew about BDSM and D/s in as far as tey had seen it in hte porn world. With enough explaining, they accepted it just as easily as they did the same-sex relationships in our circles.  Eventually, some of them were even comfortable enough to spend time with my pet and I in their home when the pet in question served.

3: For the most part it was acceptance.  There were a few who couldnt handle the idea of my owning another person, consentually or not, and for them we just didnt bring it up when we were with them.  They were fine with me, and with my partner or pet, as long as the nature of our relationshipdidnt come up. With the others, we fielded a barrage of questions so they could attempt to understand what it was we did and why we liked it.  Eventualy, whether they understood or not, they acepted.  We were under the microscope for a while, and then we were just another couple.

Hope that helps.  Be prepared to answer questions for a bit, even if it is just to explain the difference between your real life and the porn versions they are used to.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 8:53:28 PM   
MzTlaz


Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline 		I'm totally open about my Lifestyle and if someone asks me about it I take that chance to educate them some.  I get asked a lot becaase I'm a fetish artist....kind of hard to hide who I am when I paint it.

Recently some new people discovered me, lots of questions and a lot of amusement because one of them said I look like a librarian and my being a FemDom blows their mind...lol!  Of course they only see me at school or in scrubs.

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: questions about coming out - 11/9/2006 9:10:28 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		This is going to piss a lot of people off, but I've found that if you really want to keep something secret, you can keep it secret.  If it leaks out it tends to be a slightly Freudian slip, of sorts.  The true question for you is, do you really want to be out?  If you do, you'll find a way to deal with the others in your life.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to subsa)
Profile   Post #: 15
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