Marriage or dream and fantasies

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Marriage or dream and fantasies

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Marriage or dream and fantasies

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 3:50:33 AM

tinacd

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/17/2006
Status: offline

Do I stay with my wife who hates my dreams and fantasies or find someone who will help me live them out with me?

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 3:52:38 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

Only you can answer that one.

(in reply to tinacd)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 3:54:25 AM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinacd

Do I stay with my wife who hates my dreams and fantasies or find someone who will help me live them out with me?

I think thats something only you can answer, and depends on how much you love her I guess? Personally if it were me? I dont know as if I could be truly happy if I was not able to explore by dreams and fantasies, but then again one shouldnt let their fantasies destroy a good thing.

_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to tinacd)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 4:41:48 AM

CherokeeRose1

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

"The grass is always greener...." is a common syndrome.

You already have one foot out the door if you've asked this question. Just don't fool yourself into thinking that "the other side" will somewho be much easier - it won't be. Male subs have hard time finding partners, especially if their primarily focus is to find someone who is going to fulfill all of THEIR fantasies. CDs who are looking for someone to push them into a female role are often extremely disappointed then they find out that most dominant women just don't like that kink and even more aren't willing to take responsibility for "making" them into something the sub wants to be anyway.

(in reply to SamKeithsslave)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 5:10:29 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

It might be a case of knowing WHAT she hates about them ......and why and how MUCH she hates them.

It might be that she is wondering how well she knows the person she married.

There *could* be many responses to your question...... but only you know your wife, your marriage, what you were/are to each other and what you both expected.......and what you can realistically achieve.

Dreams and fantasies are...........well, just that. What do they mean to you and how much do they mean to you?

You can follow them and regret it hugely, you could do so and be much happier for it ............. whatever anyone has to say on the subject, only you can really know and only you'll be left with the consequences.

agirl

(in reply to tinacd)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 5:48:02 AM

blushingflower

Posts: 144
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

Marriage is not something that should be entered or left lightly. Presumably, you married this woman because you loved her and wanted to spend your life with her.
Sexual intimacy and fulfillment are an important part of marriage, absolutely, but there is more to life than sex.
I would encourage you to talk to your wife about what, precisely, she finds so detestable in your fantasies, and see if there's a way that you could reach a compromise so that you might be able to explore them a bit. Sometimes fantasies should just stay that way, or must stay that way, and that's ok. Sometimes living the fantasy out is wonderful, and sometimes it spoils the fantasy, because the reality isn't as good as that perfect ideal in our heads.
You may also want to seek marriage counseling, because it seems to me that if you're willing to leave her over this, there is more wrong with your marriage than just her not liking your fantasies.

(in reply to agirl)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 6:10:11 AM

nikkicd10

Posts: 91
Joined: 8/23/2006
Status: offline

Well, it's easy to get the responses you want from people with matters of the heart. You say she "hates" your dreams and desires. What are they? If you're this vague with your wife, well perhaps you are the one who needs to look in the mirror before you blame someone else for your problems.

I'm a CD, a sub, who is married. Before I began to even date my wife, I told her all about my crossdressing so she was well aware of what she was getting into. I expained why, what it means to me and what it does for me.

Now, it is a part of both our lives, it was not something I kept hidden and expressed later in life and expected her to understand.

Perhaps, before you jump in the lake before you learn how to swim you need to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself and then your wife.

(in reply to blushingflower)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 7:00:40 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

write out a pro and con list

(in reply to nikkicd10)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 7:04:39 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Asking for outward approval of your decision isn't really fair...and it's a way for you to allow yourself to make the decision, then have someone to blame other than yourself if it doesn't turn out like you want. Take responsibility for your life.

My mom's advice about relationships: ask yourself these two questions:
1) If the other person left, would you miss them?
2) Is it healthy for you to be in the relationship?

If the answer is no to either question, you might look at ending the relationship. But, in the end, only you can decide what you are willing to sell in order to maintain the relationship. Is it worth your fantasies? It might be...it might not.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to tinacd)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 7:49:14 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinacd

Do I stay with my wife who hates my dreams and fantasies or find someone who will help me live them out with me?

I read your profile to see what kind of fantasies you referred to. Did she marry you not knowing you were bisexual? If she married you not knowing your sexual orientation, an annulment (rather than a divorce) might be the best option. Either way, if you can't control your cravings for both genders, you will only hurt her more by staying.

(in reply to tinacd)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 9:14:38 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinacd

Do I stay with my wife who hates my dreams and fantasies or find someone who will help me live them out with me?

Maybe you can negotiate some flexibility into your marriage.

As you seem to have discovered, marriage is not really about dreams and fantasies --- its about sharing the foxhole of life together.

Age 45 I see. Its always a ripe time for existential questions.

(in reply to tinacd)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 9:30:24 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinacd

Do I stay with my wife who hates my dreams and fantasies or find someone who will help me live them out with me?

Maybe you can negotiate some flexibility into your marriage.

As you seem to have discovered, marriage is not really about dreams and fantasies --- its about sharing the foxhole of life together.

Age 45 I see. Its always a ripe time for existential questions.

It says on his profile that he is bisexual. Now he says she hates his fantasies. Why would she hate his fantasies so much if she knew he was bisexual when she married him? The whole thing sounds as if he married her under false pretenses.

(in reply to cloudboy)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 9:31:54 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

edited

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 11/27/2006 9:34:22 AM >

(in reply to tinacd)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 9:37:50 AM

texancutie

Posts: 322
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline

Sometimes people discover themselves later in life. After many years of marriage. When a spouse does not understand nor try to understand. It sucks. I feel for anyone that goes through this. All I can imagine is it is never, never easy for either party.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Profile

Post #: 14

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 10:13:19 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

I'd feel more sorry for the obviously straight spouse. Imagine the humiliation of finding out that one's husband had sex with another man. I hope any woman in this situation is able to obtain a private annulment or a very private divorce. Otherwise, while the woman may receive much pity, many men may not want to put their cock somewhere a gay or bisexual cock has been. Alot of straight men are very grossed out by that sort of thing.

(in reply to texancutie)

Profile

Post #: 15

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 10:48:53 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

Granted I'd feel bad for the wife, dealing with things she perhaps didn't know before marrying him.

But has he come back and said that he didn't tell her of some things before they were married?

No. You're presuming a lot.

Why jump to such a conclusion as divorce or annulment when none of us have the full story, nor ever will?

My answer is -communication-. Or rather....my advice.

To the OP:

Talk to her more. Perhaps things will work out one way or another, or perhaps it might turn out that the relationship won't work out. That is something that only you and her can decide. Open the communication more, try to see where she's coming from and why. See if perhaps you can help her understand what it is that is in your fantasies.

See if there is a common ground that you two can come to. I like the saying that some fantasies are meant to be just that....fantasies. Maybe you can sort out those you wish to pursue and perhaps those that you can leave to being just in your head. You have to give her a chance to get to know what it is that you've been (maybe struggling to come to terms with yourself) dealing with over your lifetime. I know that those of your generation had a lot more adversity to deal with growing up than those of my generation when it comes to things like sexuality and kinks. Perhaps she's still dealing with her own reservations and hang ups about things, whether they be yours or even hers that she hasn't come to terms with yet.

If there is love there between you two, you owe it to her to be as open and receptive to her feelings as you want her to be of yours. So at least afford her that and be willing to compromise as much as you see fit without hurting yourself.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Profile

Post #: 16

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 10:58:59 AM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

It says on his profile that he is bisexual. Now he says she hates his fantasies. Why would she hate his fantasies so much if she knew he was bisexual when she married him? The whole thing sounds as if he married her under false pretenses.

Ya know, you are really really good at reading one detail, making gross assumptions based on that one detail, applying your assumptions to the situation and addressing every post made in response to the OP with your take on things based on your huge assumptions. And here you are recommending this person end a marriage based on your value judgements regarding sexuality.

quote:

I'd feel more sorry for the obviously straight spouse. Imagine the humiliation of finding out that one's husband had sex with another man. I hope any woman in this situation is able to obtain a private annulment or a very private divorce. Otherwise, while the woman may receive much pity, many men may not want to put their cock somewhere a gay or bisexual cock has been. Alot of straight men are very grossed out by that sort of thing.

Once again, off in your own Universe of Assumptions.

He never said the wife didnt know he was bi. And how is it that you know the wife is "obviously straight"? And we don't know that his bisexuality is the part that she is uncomfortable with, nor do we know that she didnt know he was bi when they met.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Profile

Post #: 17

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 11:04:23 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I wonder what it must be like to live in a world so full of black and white.

To presume to know, without a doubt, the right and wrong even when you have no facts to base it on.

In my world it is mostly shades of gray.

This is a life changing topic, one that none of us BUT tinacd know the truth of. Even his truth is only half the truth, his wife and family have the rest. To presume any of us could possibly know what path he should take is assinine. To presume to know what he has done in the past or will do in the future and pass judgement based upon our own bias is a horrible thing.

The audacity of some people that sit behind a computer trying to lead their lives vicariously thru others and spew ignorant venom constantly amazes me.

Granted, for someone to ask an opinion on this makes me shake my head, but still, get a grip on reality.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 11/27/2006 11:05:11 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Profile

Post #: 18

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 11:04:53 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

Hehe...exactly what I wanted to say, but I'm sometimes too chicken to do for my dislike of confrontation. lmao

As always, heather bringing in some common sense and a sharp tongue that I wish I had.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to justheather)

Profile

Post #: 19

RE: Marriage or dream and fantasies - 11/27/2006 11:06:40 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: justheather

quote:

It says on his profile that he is bisexual. Now he says she hates his fantasies. Why would she hate his fantasies so much if she knew he was bisexual when she married him? The whole thing sounds as if he married her under false pretenses.

Ya know, you are really really good at reading one detail, making gross assumptions based on that one detail, applying your assumptions to the situation and addressing every post made in response to the OP with your take on things based on your huge assumptions. And here you are recommending this person end a marriage based on your value judgements regarding sexuality.

quote:

I'd feel more sorry for the obviously straight spouse. Imagine the humiliation of finding out that one's husband had sex with another man. I hope any woman in this situation is able to obtain a private annulment or a very private divorce. Otherwise, while the woman may receive much pity, many men may not want to put their cock somewhere a gay or bisexual cock has been. Alot of straight men are very grossed out by that sort of thing.

Once again, off in your own Universe of Assumptions.

He never said the wife didnt know he was bi. And how is it that you know the wife is "obviously straight"? And we don't know that his bisexuality is the part that she is uncomfortable with, nor do we know that she didnt know he was bi when they met.

If she did know, then why is he saying she hates his needs? Why would she marry him if she knew and then hate it? That makes no sense. The op didn't specify what needs, which is why I went to his profile to find out. That's where I found the bisexual and crossdressing stuff.

(in reply to justheather)

Profile

Post #: 20