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Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 10:48:19 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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Warning, I am going to say some very un PC shit in this thread and I am going to piss a lot of people off so consider yourself forewarned.

Creative and talented tops of whatever orientation are in far higher demand than submissives. When you consider what it takes to form stable relationships, many of them drop out when they find the right partner, further reducing the pool and increasing scarcity.

Every newbie wants an "experienced dom" thus our preocupation with experience over skill.

Large older women, especially those who don't at least try and dress up, are a dime a dozen to the point of being a cliche. Many come to the scene because it is one of the only places where they can be thought of as sexual beings.

I am posting this because of the vanilla dating thread, now we not only have to be experienced, we have to have skills in romance as well. However, we are not allowed to look at the herd and pick out the "good" ones as we see fit.

Just ain't gonna happen sister, get used to it. Of course there will now be 50 post by some 250 pound woman who's dom could double for Marqi De Sade, James Bond, Cary Grant. Great, but as wonderful as that is for YOU, it just isn't likely to happen to 98% of the women in your shoes.

I realize many reading this are going to take this as an attack because for some pointing out the truth or poking holes in their cherished illusions IS an attack. This isn't. I am just trying to "tell it like it is"

One of the reasons I HATE going to parties alone is the social pressure I feel to play. I like younger attractive women who take care of themselves. One of the women in my life who made my blood boil hottest was a size 16 but oh my god was she stylish so I CAN see other things.

But, back to whatever point I am trying to make, think long and hard about what YOU are looking for. Do you show up at a party being ready to play with anyone who is safe and who asks you to play? Most don't. There you just did the same thing you get pissed at "us" for doing. You don't want to play with the guy with nose hairs, or the awkward doof, or the short fat bald dom. Well then don't be living in glass houses!

If I am going to send flowers to a woman and take her to a restaraunt (one I have gone to and found the best table prior to making a reservation) and get all dolled up and drop a few hundred dollars on dinner she is going to be:

Intelligent
Classy
Stunning
Tall
Stable and drama free
Perverted

So trust me ladies, my pool is VASTLY smaller than even yours is. We all have our crosses to bear.

Post #: 1

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 10:51:24 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Sorry, I still don't get your point?

Physical attraction is part of what makes someone more or less likely to get "picked up" by someone else- that's obvious.

Otherwise, it just sounds like ranting that I don't get the ultimate point of?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 2

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 10:58:10 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

lol...to quote you...

"The op didn't discuss anything, didn't share anything deep, didn't ask anything."

Your point is....?

juliet

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:07:51 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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I have to agree. The post is disjointed, IMO.

If the post is one of expectations not being satisfied, then that's life and you move on until you find a match. Win some, lose some. No big drama.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:08:31 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

Good post. Thank you.

Edited because I felt I had a note as to WHY I think this is a good post:

There was a situation told to me by a male submissive I know personally. He had met with a Domme he had spoke with on line (not here). They agreed to meet at a restaurant. She waddled in, no makeup, food spots on her shirt, dirty hair pushed back with a plastic head band and proceeded to tell him how she expected her yard work to be done, her house cleaned, him to bathe her and do her hair.

While he knew she was portly to begin with, that wasn't his issue.. she indeed presented herself poorly. He didn't want to even TOUCH her let alone "serve her". This woman then laments constantly why she can't find anyone. It's always THEIR fault. That people are just judgmental and prejudiced. And of course bring PC.. we can't come right out and TELL the person she's a pig. That just wouldn't be supportive.

(Did I get the gist of your post Michael? )

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 1/15/2007 11:19:58 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 5

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:12:36 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

I think unrealistic expectations exsist on all sides of the spectrum.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 6

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:13:47 AM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

LOL this is sounding a lot like those "why are all slaves fat" threads... gawd knows we havent had one of those in a while!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 7

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:20:58 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

LOL this is sounding a lot like those "why are all slaves fat" threads... gawd knows we havent had one of those in a while!!

Magik's slave

Actually, I think it just may be one of those "my kink is better than your kink" threads - except that it manifests itself as "I'm pickier than you are" which in itself winds up being "I'm better than you dammit."

The "why are all slaves fat" is just a subset of the whole "I'm better than you are dammit" umbrella.

juliet

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 8

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:21:01 AM

aSlavesLife

Posts: 347
Joined: 12/1/2006
Status: offline

I get what he is saying, and am not sure why it isn't clear to everyone. We are expected to be nondiscriminating Cassanova gigalos with riding crops to any sub wanting to play, but are not to have the right to be choosy ourselves. On the other hand, every disheveled, overweight, gap toothed sub expects the dominant they desire to be Sean Connery with 50 years experience, and bitch & moan when this doesn't happen. Beggars can't be choosers. They should be happy that the top has a fucking pulse.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 9

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:24:16 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I absolutely agree. I'm almost 50 years old... I don't meet a LOT of people's self-inflicted expectations. It seems they are looking for perfection but not offering it. Then compound it with the whole poly household thing and being bikers (like I always say, it's something we do... but it doesn't define us) then the pool turns into a puddle. I've met a lot of people in this lifestyle and the one thing I've learned is that you just can't get to know someone online... you have to look them in the eye, shake their hand and sit down and spend some time talking. Too many here, as well as all the other "dating" sites, just won't do that... It's perfection right out of the gate or nothing. Sad really... they're missing sooooo much.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 10

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:25:01 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

Well as much as I would like to disagree because of the tone except for one thing I pretty much do have to agree. I just do not think this is a BDSM question or anything earth shattering. It is human relationships 101.

Regardless of genders a person will be as picky as they can and still get what they want. It is only the ones who fail to sort out their needs from their desires and filter it through realistic expectations are the ones who end up frustrated and lash out. Does not have to be older women with weight issues, it can be younger/older, male/female, rich/poor and so on.

It is just a fact of life if a man or woman values physical beauty very highly for them to go after that just like if someone who values a person’s income level or sense of humor in someone to go looking for that. It is funny and wrong to judge people who look for things that they are not as being wrong instead of just accepting it is life. The problem is only if they go after something that they really do not need and have sacrificed things they do need.

As far as the statement “Creative and talented tops of whatever orientation are in far higher demand than submissives. When you consider what it takes to form stable relationships, many of them drop out when they find the right partner, further reducing the pool and increasing scarcity.”, get over yourself. I have been both active in local communities and online and have never found a lack of people you describe. Here is a hint for you, we women get off on a much deeper mindset then how good, creative or experienced the person is. Do people looking for just play these things might matter, sure, that looking for relationships it is such a who gives a crap, it is how we interact on so many other factors then what he can do with rope and a whip.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 11

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:25:34 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

There are plenty of subs in r/l if you go to the right places, particularly in the 40+ age group. I find they're the most picky and the least to be picky about but I guess pickiness comes with age and they all seem to be looking for a life partner which are never easy to find. Luckily there are plenty of 30 somethings who just want a good time. It's nice to be in a psychological space where you don't want a permanent partner or feel desperate for someone because then you'll always find someone to have fun with. Dissatisfaction is in the head.

_____________________________

There are fascists who consider themselves humanitarians, like cannibals on a health kick, eating only vegetarians.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 12

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:28:02 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aSlavesLife

I get what he is saying, and am not sure why it isn't clear to everyone. We are expected to be nondiscriminating Cassanova gigalos with riding crops to any sub wanting to play, but are not to have the right to be choosy ourselves. On the other hand, every disheveled, overweight, gap toothed sub expects the dominant they desire to be Sean Connery with 50 years experience, and bitch & moan when this doesn't happen. Beggars can't be choosers. They should be happy that the top has a fucking pulse.

The thing is it's really not that big a deal...

Look till you find the one that works for you, move on past those who don't. Can't get more clear-cut than that. It's not all that complicated.

Why it takes verbalizing how distasteful someone is just makes no sense - on either side of the spectrum. Want to say what you do want? At least to me, that's fantastic. And if someone complains because they don't hit the mark, then that's their problem isn't it?

All this adverse reaction just because someone wants hearts and flowers along with their whips and chains seems a bit.. over the top.
I mean, no one's saying that being romantic is a law for crying out loud

In another thread, SimplyMichael stated that he used to be domineering (by his definition, someone who tears down others to make himself better) and that he fights this daily...I'd say this morning is kind of an off day in this regard.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 1/15/2007 11:31:00 AM >

(in reply to aSlavesLife)

Post #: 13

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:31:14 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Well I suppose I agree with you on some of this. I am always looking at profiles of those who post here, and it amazes me how many women in particular, seem to take no care at all in their appearance, or it at least looks that way from the picture(s) they post. It's not a weight issue, because there are some absolutely gorgeous ladies here who are overweight, skinny, average, etc. But they seem to take pride in their appearance and that exudes a good attitude and confidence, and any healthy individual is attracted to that.

It doesn't take a lot of money to make yourself look good, but it does take effort. And if you want someone to value you, then you have to value yourself and project that image.

Edited to add: If not taking care in your appearance works for ya, then go for it!

< Message edited by BRNaughtyAngel -- 1/15/2007 11:33:31 AM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 14

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:37:58 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

To be sure, squalor itself is a turn on for some people, helps then overcome their inhibitions maybe, "cleanliness is next to godliness", so grubbiness is next to... something else.

And on the contrary, I seldom see sub profiles that specify no fat, sloppy guys, and not one of the women I have talked to have so much as inquired as to my appearence. I see some age limits, on both sides of the spectrum, i.e., there's as much "no under" a certain age as "no over" - and these mature babes are not desperate pushovers or I'd already be in it up to my elbows.

This is just another "fat sub" rant thread - hell everyone in here is pretty much the definition of "unrealistic expectations", doesn't mean they don't get met on frequent occasion.

(in reply to aSlavesLife)

Post #: 15

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:41:32 AM

NorthernGent

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Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

Well I suppose I agree with you on some of this. I am always looking at profiles of those who post here, and it amazes me how many women in particular, seem to take no care at all in their appearance, or it at least looks that way from the picture(s) they post. It's not a weight issue, because there are some absolutely gorgeous ladies here who are overweight, skinny, average, etc. But they seem to take pride in their appearance and that exudes a good attitude and confidence, and any healthy individual is attracted to that.

I would say that's true for any group of people. There will always be a percentage of people who view good grooming as essential and then there will be others who really couldn't care less and have a different wish list and a differing view of how they should present themselves.

The title suggests the post is about expectations not being satisfied. Thus, if a perceived lack of care in personal appearance is a hard limit then take it or leave it. The key point is this: no woman is under any obligation to satisfy someone else's standards of personal care, standards of weight, standards of anything - she has an obligation to herself and if she chooses to present herself in a manner that falls short of others' expectations then there is no match. It's a diverse world and we all have something to offer someone.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 16

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:47:02 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aSlavesLife

every disheveled, gap toothed sub expects the dominant they desire to be Sean Connery with 50 years experience, and bitch & moan when this doesn't happen. Beggars can't be choosers.
They should be happy that the top has a fucking pulse.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!
i haven't seen any subs like this!

< Message edited by dawntreader -- 1/15/2007 11:55:07 AM >

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to aSlavesLife)

Post #: 17

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:47:23 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

I get your point, but in your expectations at the bottom that's a huge pipe dream order to fill.
These are good general guidlines for what you want IMO
Intelligent
Classy
Stunning
Tall
Perverted

This one though,
Stable and drama free
I could say mostly stable and drama free would be good parameters, but to say it's going to be that way every day of someone's life would be impossible, or at least improbable.
No matter how good, smart or secure you are, stability wavers occasionally and drama happening that includes you even if you don't cause it also happens.
In my mind not realistic.

suzanne

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 18

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:50:58 AM

dawntreader

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Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

I've learned is that you just can't get to know someone online... you have to look them in the eye, shake their hand and sit down and spend some time talking. Too many here, as well as all the other "dating" sites, just won't do that...
Jewel

i agree!

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 19

RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/15/2007 11:59:33 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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PS...and truthfully the only thing that made me think you were wrong totally is there's no prize winning single Dom's out in the dungeon just hanging out like your projection.
There's very few model looking single people in the community at all.
Most all the really beautiful people I've seen are with someone or dating and accompanied.
I think the feeling like a piece of meat in a pack of hungry wolves comes to mind as a good reason why.
I have never gone to the dungeon to play unescorted.
I'm also not comfortable in there just to hang out unescorted.
That has nothing to do with who's there and who's not.
It has to do with old fashioned values where I don't feel comfortable as a single woman in a bar or dungeon even with blessings and permission from my Sir.
Maybe since many subs are geared to a 1950's kind of lifestyle this plays into it for more than just me.
suzanne

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 20

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