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RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/19/2007 2:24:25 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds like it's best to just attend public munches and avoid the play parties altogether.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 181
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/19/2007 2:57:37 PM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Sounds like it's best to just attend public munches and avoid the play parties altogether.


Depends on what you're into.  Play parties can be fun, can be exciting, can be just what you want.  Another person, whom you do not know, will have different perceptions, and by no means will these overlap with yours.

Try it on your own, and let us know what you thought.

Yours,


benji

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(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 182
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/19/2007 3:55:20 PM   
artemis01


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

There are plenty of subs in r/l if you go to the right places, particularly in the 40+ age group. I find they're the most picky and the least to be picky about but I guess pickiness comes with age and they all seem to be looking for a life partner which are never easy to find. Luckily there are plenty of 30 somethings who just want a good time. It's nice to be in a psychological space where you don't want a permanent partner or feel desperate for someone because then you'll always find someone to have fun with. Dissatisfaction is in the head.


i do dislike generalisations...i am  in the 40+ age group and yes i am very picky about who i play with. i like real, honest, sane, intelligent human beings. i do not like ones that judge a person on their age, size, looks, race etc and presume to know what others are looking for. i am NOT looking for a life partner. i want to have fun. Although i am carrying a few extra pounds i look after myself. Yes...shock horror...i even wear clean clothes, makeup and heels. (when the occasion demands it...i find horseriding in heels i trifle difficult!)...

So get over yourselves...stop judging people...start looking for the good in people and you might become a better person!

(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 183
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/19/2007 4:46:52 PM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: artemis01

So get over yourselves...stop judging people...


Isn't "Get over yourselves...." 

....nevermind.  I'll just go back to my scotch.

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to artemis01)
Profile   Post #: 184
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/19/2007 8:34:04 PM   
TypeAsub1


Posts: 65
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaryT

Parties are mixed bag, IME.  Some really smart, engaging people.  Some people who couldn't find their way out of a blindfold with both hands free.


I have only been to maybe 8 parties... i was sorely disappointed by the people at all of them.  However, it was largely the same people at all of them, sooo... i'm sure in larger US cities you get a lot more variety.

quote:


I care a great deal, espescially depending on what they want to do.  Does he like whips?  You don't want to be one he learns to throw a whip on.  Does he like bondage?  That's the most common way of sustaining injury in BDSM.  I care that his experience matches his ambitions.  I care that he *knows* this is potentially dangerous stuff ... he'll get that knowledge in a BDSM community environment (he'll get it pounded into him in a good one). 
  Honestly - i'm ok with someone learning on me.  It doesn't bother me one bit.  Given that my personal proclivities are d/s oriented and i'm exceedingly flexible with S&M desires and most other things... i'm a 'go with the flow' kind of person.  I would actually rather he learned on me.   I dislike some of the "group think" that occurs within the "bdsm community".  I prefer to know that my Dom is thinking for himself and learning for himself.   YMMV...

quote:


That would be the ideal.  If I were a top/dom, that's what I would study.  I've studied it anyway but most Doms won't know all that stuff (from my experience thus far).  Should that be a deal breaker?  I dunno.  What if he appears teachable (WTF??? A sub teaching a Dom - topping from the bottom and all that crap!)?  A Dom who could teach me nothing would be fairly worthless to me, and I wouldn't settle for Dom who doesn't love learning from everyone, including me.


Preach on sistah!

quote:


Because there are not a lot of options.  The one group I went to (and didn't like much) was populated by accountants, engineers, and mid to high level (on the corporate ladder) management folk.  I didn't like it because it wasn't about relationships.  It was just about play ... The people were nice people for the most part, and some were looking for someone.  Short of online, where else would one look?  Also for newcomers not so smart and sure as you, it's can be a safe place to start exploring.

I am with you though ... it's not my bag.  I'd rather tough it out and find someone who clicks AND is kinked in the way that I am.  That can be really hard though, even for someone who is as smart and as pretty as you are.  For someone who doesn't have those advantages, it's even harder. 

MaryT



You should be in sales.. nice response.   You make good points.  And I do reiterate that the experience is probably different in different areas.  I think I am so jaded by the prevalence of the 'slap and tickle' kinksters and the relative scarcity of d/s enthusiasts that play parties tends to embody for me all of those frustrations.  I would love to see some sort of organized much, dinner, event that did NOT incorporate any form of physical play... but was dedicated to bringing together only people who shared an interest in d/s.  Then again, there would probably only be like 8 people show up .. hehe..

(in reply to MaryT)
Profile   Post #: 185
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/19/2007 10:13:37 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		A while back I went visiting some nightclubs.... it really was rather disappointing.   I generally found the nightclubs that I visited were all the same and the people in them too.  All that seemed to be going on was drinking and dancing... do you think it was to much to ask that I find just one person that was interested in having a deep and meaningful discussion.   There really isn't anyone at these nightclubs of any interest.. of course, I suppose maybe in another place it might be different.  Now it really doesn't bother me all that drinking and dancing going on... but I really get discouraged watching all that wiggling and jiggling that is so common at nightclubs and complete lack of any intellectual discourse. 

I think I am going to start a book club.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to TypeAsub1)
Profile   Post #: 186
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/19/2007 11:11:59 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		As someone who has played widely in the SF bay area and who has a very deep interest in the dynamics of power I would like to add a few thoughts.

You are new at a party and see some silly girl playing the social butterfly chatting everyone up and dismiss her as silly.  You see a somber couple sitting on the couch with the woman kneeling on the floor,  a third couple is standing shoulder to shoulder seeming equals but the woman has a collar on, which one is the more submissive?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

That is the thing people just do not get.  Imagine if the social butterfly is shy as hell and has been ordered to talk to everyone and the girl on the floor was sitting with someone else last week and well, and the couple is a man who just collared a woman who has been a Domme since she entered the scene, my point should be clear.

What many wish to see is the FANTASY of what they think D/s is.  As someone who loves real power exchange AND the fantasy AND who has hosted parties playing with this dynamic, peoples ideas of what D/s is and how to "show" it vary widely.

Take a simple dinner.  I want my slave to serve dinner but Master X only wants his slave to serve him, and Domme Y wants her pet to eat out of a bowl on the floor.   So, those who want a classy dinner have it ruined, those who want it extreme get pissed at the lightweights, and nobody gets the "fantasy" they want.

Closest thing I have seen to a well done D/s party is still an example of "not for everyone" was called a "master's party" and you brought your women and they served all masters.  There were three levels of service, white was service only, blue was non inserted play, and red was full on but protected sex.  Interesting evening but since I brought the two hottest red slaves, it was more spectator sport for me.

The most intense scene I have ever had was with a woman I was not sexual nor partnered with (but I had known for years) and started out as "gee, wanna scene" and ended up going places that we both didn't expect and this woman is known as a heavy bottom in the BAY AREA!  Not a toy in sight, just my hands and my voice but I for one had never been that "gone" in a scene before or since.   And my shortest D/s relationship was four years.

So, bottom line (no pun intended) parties are sometimes just as stupid as you imagine but if you don't know what to look for it is amazing what you can miss and sometimes you see some amazing things.  I look back at many parties and only in retrospect can I really "see" what was going on.

You cannot "look" and judge the level of power exchange going on.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 187
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 4:38:07 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1

I dislike some of the "group think" that occurs within the "bdsm community". 



I'm in full agreement.

There is so much pressure to conform in life. We experience it at work, with friends, with family, with acquaintenances - you name it, it's inescapable and claustrophobic.

Thus, the last thing on my agenda is to spend a significant amount of valuable spare time in the company of another group of people all conforming to, and bound by, sexual orientation and parotting this with endless tales of sexual preference and lifestyle - the aim being to conform to an ideal with a basic premise (a message board is a place where you can quickly identify the people who have an interesting and unique perspective, unlike r/l).

I am starting to warm to the Americans who simply want to buy a plot of land and be left to go about their lives without having to go through all the mundane conformity and formalities of other peoples' lives which is experienced at work, in the supermarket, and just about every other group scenario. Privacy and intimacy are qualities to be cherished rather than opened up to a group.

Edited for sub-standard grammar.


< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 1/20/2007 4:40:07 AM >

_____________________________

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to TypeAsub1)
Profile   Post #: 188
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 5:14:45 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1

I hate parties because the vast majority of people who attend them are moronic idiots, incapable of carrying on a conversation about anything other than floggers, cuffs, piercings etc.

I don't even care about that shit. 

I don't care if they have S&M experience.  I do care that they have experience with and in understanding human behaviour, leadership, management, communication, and a host of other things.

I don't "play".  I hate the word play.  This isn't a game for me.  It's a relationship.  If you're not my Dom.. or someone I'm considering will be Dom in the near future... you will not touch me and you most certainly will not "play" with me.   Play parties always make me laugh.  Why would anyone expect to meet someone of substance at one of those things?



Talk about unrealistic expectations.  A PLAY party is for play.  What I dislike in going to play parties is all the people who are only there to socialize and talk and then get so loud conversing that they disrupt my Lord's scene because I can no longer hear him when he is standing right behind me.

On another note, play is just the fun thing that the people I am in a serious, commited relationship do together.  Play is not the entirety of the relationship and to assume that it is because we attend a play party and want to play (heaven forbid) at that party is just narrow minded thinking.

If you want intellectual discourse, go to a social event.  If you want to do or watch BDSM, then go to a play party.  Don't go to a play party with the unrealistic expectation that it is a place just for socializing.  And if you do go just to socialize, have a little respect for the play space that you are in and do it quietly.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to TypeAsub1)
Profile   Post #: 189
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 7:06:50 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I think I am going to start a book club.


GEEZZZ   I just can't seem to get it right.... Started the book club we read our first book together and now all they want to do is have sex together.  Can't figure out... maybe I should of picked a different book than "The Joy of Sex"

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 190
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 7:26:20 AM   
acctonthelook


Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline 		toservez, i must say you are one intelligent little lady!  i love your posts on a very consistant basis! 
 
you say things so well!  way to go!  kudos! bravo!


quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

Well as much as I would like to disagree because of the tone except for one thing I pretty much do have to agree. I just do not think this is a BDSM question or anything earth shattering. It is human relationships 101.

Regardless of genders a person will be as picky as they can and still get what they want. It is only the ones who fail to sort out their needs from their desires and filter it through realistic expectations are the ones who end up frustrated and lash out. Does not have to be older women with weight issues, it can be younger/older, male/female, rich/poor and so on.

It is just a fact of life if a man or woman values physical beauty very highly for them to go after that just like if someone who values a person’s income level or sense of humor in someone to go looking for that. It is funny and wrong to judge people who look for things that they are not as being wrong instead of just accepting it is life. The problem is only if they go after something that they really do not need and have sacrificed things they do need.

As far as the statement “Creative and talented tops of whatever orientation are in far higher demand than submissives. When you consider what it takes to form stable relationships, many of them drop out when they find the right partner, further reducing the pool and increasing scarcity.”, get over yourself. I have been both active in local communities and online and have never found a lack of people you describe. Here is a hint for you, we women get off on a much deeper mindset then how good, creative or experienced the person is. Do people looking for just play these things might matter, sure, that looking for relationships it is such a who gives a crap, it is how we interact on so many other factors then what he can do with rope and a whip.


(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 191
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 7:27:15 AM   
smirkingsheep


Posts: 45
Joined: 1/5/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What I dislike in going to play parties is all the people who are only there to socialize and talk and then get so loud conversing that they disrupt my Lord's scene because I can no longer hear him when he is standing right behind me.

This made me picture a sort of Antiques Roadshowesque type hilarious noise levels, complete with high ceilings and bored lineups. :D


(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 192
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 7:43:52 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I think I am going to start a book club.


GEEZZZ   I just can't seem to get it right.... Started the book club we read our first book together and now all they want to do is have sex together.  Can't figure out... maybe I should of picked a different book than "The Joy of Sex"


Maybe you should not have gone in your leathers my Lord  *eg*

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 193
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 8:11:46 AM   
rapunzel2


Posts: 13
Joined: 11/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

I actually disagree with your theory that people who have had a lot of drama don't attract nice guys...  I know at least a couple of nice guys (friends) who only date/marry girls who've had a lot of drama, lol.    M



M, I can go with this. I like complicated, emotional women with a heart who have a depth of feeling inside them - deep feelings = drama. Where's the fun and challenge with a girl who's head is screwed on all of the time?!

Drama is fine, only when it borders on stalking does it become a problem :-)




ahhhh.  Maybe that means I can finally throw away this damn screwdriver?

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 194
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 8:28:37 AM   
fairerthanshe


Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline 		i enjoyed reading your post.  it seems to me you have a very clear idea of who you seek, as we all should.  that doesn't necessarily mean that every one you have chosen to play with meets all of these requirements completely.  it is the ideal which you seek, correct?

i understand how some would construe this as "fat subs rant", however, i read it as 'this can be very frustrating for a Dom who knows what he wants'.  i found it to be well thought out, especially having read your posts on the "D/s and romance" thread...it made sense to me.

fairer than she

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 195
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 12:00:10 PM   
DiamondOrchid


Posts: 172
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: untamedshysub

well having spent 17 yrs of my life married to an alkie and being raised by one I know one when I see one, but have no clue what ice meth is  what is it?

Ice meth is crystal methamphetamine...  meth for short. It is taken orally, intranasally (snorting the powder), by needle injection, or by smoking. It increases the secretion of dopamine (a mood enhancer), and can cause various types of brain damage.

_____________________________

Relationships are like full time jobs and should be treated as such. If your boy/girlfriend wants to leave, they should give you two weeks' notice and severance pay. Also they should have to find you a temp.

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Profile   Post #: 196
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 12:23:08 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra


No, but I HAVE seen men being ... ah... a tad self-conscious at bathing suit optional pool parties we've attended when faced with the prospect of possibly having to measure up to the stereotype of my Master's dick. Isn't that ultimately the same thing? They've actually gotten dressed (and not just one or two of them). It's funny - and he's never gotten undressed - it was just the mere possibility)

juliet


Oh god i love this!!! i had no idea guys could react this way!

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 197
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 12:26:20 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened


Seriously, i don't have any expectations whatsoever.  i have hope.  i try not to have too much hope but just enough to see there may be possibilities beyond my current reality.



Well said and i agree...no expectations, just hope :-)

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 198
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 12:27:39 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaryT

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
She didn't sound like a class act but then again one swallow doesn't make a summer.



How many swallows does it take?



It takes a very greedy girl........especially over here because the rainy season started in 346 AD and has pretty much continued ever since. The more the merrier!


ROFLMAO!!!!

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 199
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 1/20/2007 12:29:17 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rapunzel2

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

I actually disagree with your theory that people who have had a lot of drama don't attract nice guys...  I know at least a couple of nice guys (friends) who only date/marry girls who've had a lot of drama, lol.    M



M, I can go with this. I like complicated, emotional women with a heart who have a depth of feeling inside them - deep feelings = drama. Where's the fun and challenge with a girl who's head is screwed on all of the time?!

Drama is fine, only when it borders on stalking does it become a problem :-)


Hey, I said all of the time.......you still have to keep it together at least 50% of the time!



ahhhh.  Maybe that means I can finally throw away this damn screwdriver?


_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to rapunzel2)
Profile   Post #: 200
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