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ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Having switch tendencies doesn't mean you will be owned though. You can get topped at a play party to help "Get your fix" or just ignore it all together. I assume it's rather like being bisexual. Yes it's all very nice but you don't have to have both when you have one.

But conversely, it can mean that you will be owned - I know plenty of owned switches and I also know plenty of sadomasochistic switches.  It really does run the gamut.

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So, does it matter to you if they are pure dom but submitted in the past?

It depends - if my owner did it in some misguided concept that it would help him become a better dominant but he didn't enjoy it then it wouldn't matter much to me though I'd wonder a little bit about his ability to not fall into "party line thinking."  If my owner did it because he thought it would help him become a better dominant and enjoyed submitting then I'd prolly want to know if he was still a switch and if he wasn't still a switch what exactly changed for him that he no longer had those tendencies.  As I mentioned before I'd also wonder why it took him nine years to mention this all to me.

If he submitted in the past because he wanted to and enjoyed it then similarly we'd have to have a disucssion about whether he still had switch tendencies and whether he wanted to pursue submission going towards the future.  For the reasons I outlined before (his time, tangible objects, intangible objects, sexuality, etc no longer being under his authority but under someone elses) if he wanted to pursue submission in the future I'd probably with a huge amount of difficultly ask for release.  I'd ask for release because beyond those practical things about him being under someone elses authority given that we've been together for a significant amount of time and he never ever mentioned it before would be a serious trust issue and also would mean that many things that he told me and many of the philosophies he has are just flat out lies.

C~

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ORIGINAL: petstorm

Because BDSM IS about sex, where D/s is all the many factors of life that go with any relationship. i hate how the two are smudged into one lump title. *smirk*

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Many people, especially many of my male friends, operate on a "need to know basis". They do not tell their female S.O. alot of things. More than you would imagine actually. Why? Not because they wish to be secretive but because they do not want to deal with the backlash from divulging the information.

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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

At least you aren't being entirely close-minded though I would take issue with one thing you said...

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There isn't a right way or a wrong way to learn how to be a dominant. But the way of submitting first to learn how to dominate certainly shouldn't be called misguided. I've seen in work in real time experience with other dominants and I've found that some of the people with best skill with a flogger are actually subs.

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Just a quick note regarding telling all.

I think you will find very different points of view on this subject. As agirl has already stated, for many people it is not something needed or perhaps even wanted. There are many things that may be in someone's past I do not feel I need to know. However, if they feel they need to tell me everything I am always open to listen.

I think the key on this particular subject is communicating your specific needs. If you need to know everything about a person to have a trusting relationship, it is your responsibility to explain that.

Many people, especially many of my male friends, operate on a "need to know basis". They do not tell their female S.O. alot of things. More than you would imagine actually. Why? Not because they wish to be secretive but because they do not want to deal with the backlash from divulging the information.

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ORIGINAL: agirl

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Just a quick note regarding telling all.

I think you will find very different points of view on this subject. As agirl has already stated, for many people it is not something needed or perhaps even wanted. There are many things that may be in someone's past I do not feel I need to know. However, if they feel they need to tell me everything I am always open to listen.

I think the key on this particular subject is communicating your specific needs. If you need to know everything about a person to have a trusting relationship, it is your responsibility to explain that.

Many people, especially many of my male friends, operate on a "need to know basis". They do not tell their female S.O. alot of things. More than you would imagine actually. Why? Not because they wish to be secretive but because they do not want to deal with the backlash from divulging the information.

Knowing someone, doesn't mean knowing their entire history.  There's still plenty of *stuff* that I don't know about M. None of it can possibly be relevant to the relationship after so many years.

I don't know the way he votes, I don't know his favourite colour, I don't know his favourite fruit. I don't know if he's ever written a cheque, let alone if one has bounced. I don't know if he likes blue eyes or brown, his favourite author, or actor or how many women he's fucked. Yet we speak everyday, even after all this time, for hours and are never bored.

I don't have a destination, so maybe I simply don't need to know the names of the stations I pass.

agirl

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

agirl, I just have to say that I find so much of what you write about your personal situation absolutely intriquing. It seems very different than what others have, but it seems to be working so very well for you that no one could possibly argue it's value. Thank your for your insight.

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ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

I always find it strange how disagreeing can very quickly be morphed into close minded or the use of the J-word (judgemental).

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I believe its misguided to think that bottoming or submitting will give you insight into another person.  I don't believe that bottoming or submitting is a generic or universal experience where I would have more insight into you because we are both on the submissive side of the slash (unless you think I have some special insight into you?). 

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So yes, I absolutely think its misguided.  I've dated switches and I've also dated/played with a dominant who did the whole bottoming to gain more insight into submission and I have to say their techniques were not any better than the dominants/tops I played with who didn't bottom or switch.

C~

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ORIGINAL: agirl


Knowing someone, doesn't mean knowing their entire history.  There's still plenty of *stuff* that I don't know about M. None of it can possibly be relevant to the relationship after so many years.

I don't know the way he votes, I don't know his favourite colour, I don't know his favourite fruit....Yet we speak everyday, even after all this time, for hours and are never bored.

I don't have a destination, so maybe I simply don't need to know the names of the stations I pass.

agirl

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Okay, based upon another thread in another zone. I am asking a question.

To all the submissives and slaves (why did I just hear a Julio Iglesias song in my head....to all the girls I've loved befoooooorrrrrrre.....)anyway back to the topic at hand.

What would you do/think/say IF you found out that your dominant/master/mistress had neglected to inform you that they had been submissive/slave in the past? Would it matter if it was more of a scene/bottoming thing versus a relationship? Why? Or, would you view it as a learning experience?

AND to add an extra kink in the chain.....what if you found out they still had switch tendencies and had not told you about it?

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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Please note that I didn't use judgemental. I think it's close-minded to assume that just because someone was a sub they would be a bad dom. You can disagree with me all you like.

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ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

Just to be clear - I never said that or had that line or arguement.

C~

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I always find it strange how disagreeing can very quickly be morphed into close minded or the use of the J-word (judgemental).