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RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/14/2007 5:26:47 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
The problem though is that the submissive psyche, experience, emotional difficulties you face, and the way you process physical sensations varies wildly depending on the person.  I don't think there is a generic "submissive experience" that all submissives or slaves experience that we all understand within each other - I think submissives and slaves are wildly different people with different motivations, filters, experiences, and ways to process things.  So thats why I don't think that Person A who switches will gain any insight into other submissives.  Person A, however, will gain tremendous insight into themself.


I do not claim that bottoming or submitting will give a dominant complete insight into any given submissive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
Bottoming or submitting might not give you complete insight about a submissive, but it will give you, at least, some general insight.


I expect many people utilize general insights from personal experiences and prior experiences with people as they meet new people. Sure, each of us is our own individual. But there are general insights to be had. With the argument of not gaining insights because each person is different, a mother raising a second child has no more insights than one just having her first born. And with that argument, one who has been dominant for years and interacted with multiple submissives has no more insights about submissives than one fresh on the boat since each submissive is different.

Indeed, submission comes in different flavors. Some of us are red apples and some of us are green apples. Depending on the resolution of your scale, you might call us apples and pears, or even apples and oranges. Still, we are not apples and turtles ;-) There is some common fabric.

I am a submissive and I have some general insights about the submissive psyche. I do see some common patterns. And I see subs who respond to aspects of BDSM in a manner similar to my response. I may not have insights about every submissive but I do have insights about many. And I may not have insights about their submission in entirety but I do have insights about a portion of their submission. I can and have relied on these insight to give suggestions to dominants. If someone with similar insights decides to become dominant, that person will benefit from these insights.

Furthermore, a top who has bottomed might learn that a wrap shot hurts a lot more, and it can make the bottom wonder how focused or, if a new partner, how skilled is the top. A dominant who has submitted in the past might know what effect inconsistency in dominance can have. And while these insights do not make for dominance in its entirety, they are a step above someone who has neither had these experiences nor learned them via discussions or intuition.

If a submissive later becomes a dominant, chances are at least some of her dominant interests will mirror her interests as a submissive. In that event, subs compatible with her will have some interests she held as a submissive. So chances are, she will have insight about some aspects of her sub's submission.

My insights are a sum of my direct experience, and my observations of and discussions with other submissives who see things differently. I expect that a dominant who has had experience submitting or bottoming does not rely only on insights from this experience alone, and instead uses them along with other sources of information.

While your points about the subjective nature of submission are valid, in my opinion they do not justify declaring the notion that submitting first to learn how to dominate is misguided, and nor do they require that every submissive's experience is completely disjoint from that of every other. I don't claim that a dominant who has experienced submission is necessarily better than a dominant who has not done so. My position is that a notion that experiencing submission can help a dominant is not misguided.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 3/14/2007 6:03:04 AM >

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 121
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/14/2007 5:46:53 AM   
someday


Posts: 2
Status: offline
quote:

What would you do/think/say IF you found out that your dominant/master/mistress had neglected to inform you that they had been submissive/slave in the past?

I would be a bit hurt that they had not trusted me with this information. However, it would not bother me relationship wise. What a person 'does' does not change what a person 'is'.
 

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 122
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/14/2007 7:00:30 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Okay, based upon another thread in another zone. I am asking a question.

To all the submissives and slaves (why did I just hear a Julio Iglesias song in my head....to all the girls I've loved befoooooorrrrrrre.....)anyway back to the topic at hand.

What would you do/think/say IF you found out that your dominant/master/mistress had neglected to inform you that they had been submissive/slave in the past? Would it matter if it was more of a scene/bottoming thing versus a relationship? Why? Or, would you view it as a learning experience?

AND to add an extra kink in the chain.....what if you found out they still had switch tendencies and had not told you about it?



i would have more issue with the fact that they didn't tell me then with them having had that experience.  It wouldn't bother me if they had been in the past - as long as they had no inclination to turn me into their dom - i am not a switch and have no desire to be. 

i would be more bothered if they had switch tendencies because it would mean we would have to renegotiate the whole relationship as i don't switch. i'd either have to accept he would have a domme or leave. 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 123
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/14/2007 7:35:22 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
I do not claim that bottoming or submitting will give a dominant complete insight into any given submissive.


Just for clarification, I never said complete insight, I said any insight into submission.

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
I expect many people utilize general insights from personal experiences and prior experiences with people as they meet new people. Sure, each of us is our own individual. But there are general insights to be had. With the argument of not gaining insights because each person is different, a mother raising a second child has no more insights than one just having her first born. And with that argument, one who has been dominant for years and interacted with multiple submissives has no more insights about submissives than one fresh on the boat since each submissive is different.


I think that someone who bottoms or switches gains insights on themself.  Whether those insights are applicable to other people will really depend on the other person, but I don't believe that the personal insights on bottoming are any more helpful or richer or enlightening than the insights gained through interacting with a range of different submissives and having a decent level of empathy.  In fact I think insights based on a diversity of interaction with submissives/bottoms is richer than personal insights based on one's own journey of switching/bottoming.

So using your child rearing example, and assuming all other conditions being equal, I believe that someone who has had three different children has a richer breadth of experiences and insights about parenting than someone who has experienced childhood themselves but has no children.  Similarly, I believe that all other conditions being equal, someone who has had three different submissives has a richer breadth of experiences and insights into dominance than someone who has experienced submission themselves but has no submissives.

quote:


Indeed, submission comes in different flavors. Some of us are red apples and some of us are green apples. Depending on the resolution of your scale, you might call us apples and pears, or even apples and oranges. Still, we are not apples and turtles ;-) There is some common fabric.


We (the BDSM community) can't even agree on a common definition, I'm not remotely convinced that there is common fabric.  I see commonalities with myself with some submissives/slaves, but definitely not with all submissives/slaves.  So I just don't feel confident enough to talk about the submissive experience like its some mamothian generic experience or psyche.  What I do feel comfortable talking about is my own experience and philosophy.

quote:



I am a submissive and I have some general insights about the submissive psyche. I do see some common patterns. And I see subs who respond to aspects of BDSM in a manner similar to my response. I may not have insights about every submissive but I do have insights about many. And I may not have insights about their submission in entirety but I do have insights about a portion of their submission. I can and have relied on these insight to give suggestions to dominants. If someone with similar insights decides to become dominant, that person will benefit from these insights.


I think they will benefit from their insights on themselves based on their own journey that may be applicable to other people, but certainly may not be.

quote:


Furthermore, a top who has bottomed might learn that a wrap shot hurts a lot more, and it can make the bottom wonder how focused or, if a new partner, how skilled is the top. A dominant who has submitted in the past might know what effect inconsistency in dominance can have. And while these insights do not make for dominance in its entirety, they are a step above someone who has neither had these experiences nor learned them via discussions or intuition.


Except that depending on the day (and for me depending on where I am in relation to my period) a wrap doesn't bother me at all or it hurts a lot.  And the same with inconsistency, or rather depending on your perspective lack of rigid reliance on rules that just help the submissive feel gushy but hold no actual value for the dominant will effect people differently as well. 

The switches I know do not seek out on the bottom side what they seek as a top, they are distinct things and kinks for them.  I've seen a little bit of overlap in terms of SM tastes (i.e. liking to do and receive needleplay) but nothing terribly significant so your theory on someone seeking to top someone precisely how they bottomed so thus they would know what’s going through the persons mind isn't something I've found to be true.  And if we even assumed that your theory was correct, you could line ten women up and stick them with needles in the same place in the breast and their experience, processing, and reactions will be wildly different. 

So again, this personal path of bottoming or submitting just gives someone insight on how they process and experience, not on how every other submissive in the universe processes and experiences things.  And based on that yes, it is misguided to believe that bottoming will give someone any special insight into submission.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 124
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/14/2007 4:06:27 PM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse


What would you do/think/say IF you found out that your dominant/master/mistress had neglected to inform you that they had been submissive/slave in the past? Would it matter if it was more of a scene/bottoming thing versus a relationship? Why? Or, would you view it as a learning experience?

AND to add an extra kink in the chain.....what if you found out they still had switch tendencies and had not told you about it?



Having some switch tendencies myself, I can hardly object to anyone else having them.  I might have issues with having that hidden, especially if he or she were demanding utter monogamy from me, and playing with others.  But that's an entirely different kettle of haggis. 

I would object to the lack of communication, but not to them having tried other roles.  Isn't it typically said that those who must lead must first learn to obey?  If a Dominant is comfortable enough with themselves, and not so fixed with I am Dom(me), hear me roar, that they're willing to explore, then more power and respect to them.  It also means they are probably more likely to laugh at themselves. 




_____________________________

I'm not perving. I'm compensating for my myopia. So nyah.


Member of Cock-Suckers for World Peace

"Character is what you are in the dark."

- Lord John Whorfin

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 125
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/14/2007 7:28:08 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

I think that someone who bottoms or switches gains insights on themself.  Whether those insights are applicable to other people will really depend on the other person, but I don't believe that the personal insights on bottoming are any more helpful or richer or enlightening than the insights gained through interacting with a range of different submissives and having a decent level of empathy.  In fact I think insights based on a diversity of interaction with submissives/bottoms is richer than personal insights based on one's own journey of switching/bottoming.


If insights based on diversity of interaction with submissives and bottoms are helpful, and if one's personal experience is another datapoint towards this diversity, why do you describe as misguided the notion that experience as a submissive or bottom can be helpful to a dominant?

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 3/14/2007 7:29:04 PM >

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 126
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/15/2007 4:51:20 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
Just for clarification, I never said complete insight, I said any insight into submission.


Perhaps I see a mixed message in your posts. For sake of clarification, you say:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
So thats why I don't think that Person A who switches will gain any insight into other submissives.


I take that to mean that anyone who switches will not gain even a single insight about any other submissive. Your use of the word any suggests you think there are zero insights gained. That you describe the idea as misguided suggests to me you think that through such an experience one does not gain any insight (zero insights) about any other submissive.

Yet at times you allow that one might gain insights from her personal experience that may apply to some others.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
I think they will benefit from their insights on themselves based on their own journey that may be applicable to other people, but certainly may not be.


And at times your words, as below, suggest to me a reference to a complete experience:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
The problem though is that the submissive psyche, experience, emotional difficulties you face, and the way you process physical sensations varies wildly depending on the person.  I don't think there is a generic "submissive experience" that all submissives or slaves experience that we all understand within each other - I think submissives and slaves are wildly different people with different motivations, filters, experiences, and ways to process things.  So thats why I don't think that Person A who switches will gain any insight into other submissives.  Person A, however, will gain tremendous insight into themself.


In any case, let's proceed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
So using your child rearing example, and assuming all other conditions being equal, I believe that someone who has had three different children has a richer breadth of experiences and insights about parenting than someone who has experienced childhood themselves but has no children.  Similarly, I believe that all other conditions being equal, someone who has had three different submissives has a richer breadth of experiences and insights into dominance than someone who has experienced submission themselves but has no submissives.


Someone who has had three different children has richer breadth of experiences and insights about parenting than someone who has experienced childhood themself but has no children. If this parent also draws upon childhood experiences about what behavior from her parents she found frustrating and what she found rewarding, she has another set of insights to consult.

You seem to assume a dichotomy that I don't see to exist. I don't think drawing upon experience as a bottom or submissive precludes gaining insights through interaction with others and intuition.

Also, if you feel that submissive experiences are disjoint so that one's own experience as a submissive has no relevance to that another submissive might have, why does a dominant who has had experiences with three different submissives have a richer breadth of insights? After all, if your theory about each submissive experience being disjoint from every other is correct, this person's experiences with the three submissives have no value when dealing with a fourth submissive for, as you suggest, each other submissive will be entirely different.

If you think experience as a bottom or a submissive has no value, then, all other things equal, do you give the same level of insight to a dominant who has neither topped nor bottomed as to a dominant who has not yet topped but has bottomed?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
We (the BDSM community) can't even agree on a common definition, I'm not remotely convinced that there is common fabric.  I see commonalities with myself with some submissives/slaves, but definitely not with all submissives/slaves.  So I just don't feel confident enough to talk about the submissive experience like its some mamothian generic experience or psyche.  What I do feel comfortable talking about is my own experience and philosophy.


The common fabric is the interest in submission, which sets us apart from those who do not have an interest in submission. Within this lot, there are other patterns that do not exist across all submissives but are seen frequently enough to be called patterns, which allows that one's personal experience allows insights towards not all but some others.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
I've seen a little bit of overlap in terms of SM tastes (i.e. liking to do and receive needleplay) but nothing terribly significant so your theory on someone seeking to top someone precisely how they bottomed so thus they would know what’s going through the persons mind isn't something I've found to be true.


I think you understate how much commonality there is between a person's style for dominance and submission. Still, even with your statement above as is, that little bit of overlap you have seen alone supports the idea I present. Here is my statement from my prior post:

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea:
If a submissive later becomes a dominant, chances are at least some of her dominant interests will mirror her interests as a submissive. In that event, subs compatible with her will have some interests she held as a submissive. So chances are, she will have insight about some aspects of her sub's submission.


Thus, I do not claim that there is an exact reflection of interests, but that there will likely be some reflection, and that some insights from the tops personal experience as a bottom with respect to the common area could apply.

My position is:
  1. While submission/bottoming is a subjective experience, there are common patterns that allow a submissive/bottom to have insights towards some others.
  2. A top or dominant who has experience as a bottom or submissive has insights that will apply to some submissives/bottoms, and, to that extent, will help the dominant or top in her role.
  3. While these insights can be had through discussion, interaction, and intuition, it does not change that personal experience is yet one more avenue towards such insights.
  4. I don't claim that a dominant who has experienced submission is necessarily better than a dominant who has not done so. My position is that a notion that experiencing submission can help a dominant is not, as you say, misguided. It is the use of the word misguided with which I disagree.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 3/15/2007 4:53:39 AM >

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 127
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/15/2007 6:38:34 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
If insights based on diversity of interaction with submissives and bottoms are helpful, and if one's personal experience is another datapoint towards this diversity, why do you describe as misguided the notion that experience as a submissive or bottom can be helpful to a dominant?


Because it is one data point on yourself, which means you learn more about yourself and thats all.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 128
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/15/2007 7:00:11 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
Just for clarification, I never said complete insight, I said any insight into submission.


Perhaps I see a mixed message in your posts. For sake of clarification, you say:
   

Actually unless you were psychic in your message # 121 and foresaw my message that was posted a day afterwards, this is actually the post you misunderstood.  For clarification, I’ll just post this entire post.  

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs The problem though is that the submissive psyche, experience, emotional difficulties you face, and the way you process physical sensations varies wildly depending on the person.  I don't think there is a generic "submissive experience" that all submissives or slaves experience that we all understand within each other - I think submissives and slaves are wildly different people with different motivations, filters, experiences, and ways to process things.  So thats why I don't think that Person A who switches will gain any insight into other submissives.  Person A, however, will gain tremendous insight into themself.


quote:


You seem to assume a dichotomy that I don't see to exist. I don't think drawing upon experience as a bottom or submissive precludes gaining insights through interaction with others and intuition.
 

I don’t believe there is a dichotomy.  I’m simply talking about what I consider to not be a valuable activity to undertake to become a better dominant.  I think if someone enjoys switching and wants to do it, they should definitely do it.  I simply don’t believe in the party line of, “It was done in ye olden guarde days and thus is the way to learn how to become a dominant.”  

quote:


Also, if you feel that submissive experiences are disjoint so that one's own experience as a submissive has no relevance to that another submissive might have, why does a dominant who has had experiences with three different submissives have a richer breadth of insights?
 

Because they have a range of experiences rather than a singular experience. 

quote:


The common fabric is the interest in submission, which sets us apart from those who do not have an interest in submission. Within this lot, there are other patterns that do not exist across all submissives but are seen frequently enough to be called patterns, which allows that one's personal experience allows insights towards not all but some others.
 

Except that what submission is varies so wildly that sharing a label is largely meaningless in terms of commonalities.  For some submission means being the 24/7 TPE EPE APE PPE lifestyle collared submissive of someone, for someone else it means that they are the persons puppy, for someone else it means they go to a hotel once a month and get spanked precisely 20 times as pre-scripted, for another it means they go and clean someone’s house once a week.

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea:
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
I've seen a little bit of overlap in terms of SM tastes (i.e. liking to do and receive needleplay) but nothing terribly significant so your theory on someone seeking to top someone precisely how they bottomed so thus they would know what’s going through the persons mind isn't something I've found to be true.


I think you understate how much commonality there is between a person's style for dominance and submission. Still, even with your statement above as is, that little bit of overlap you have seen alone supports the idea I present. Here is my statement from my prior post:

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea:
If a submissive later becomes a dominant, chances are at least some of her dominant interests will mirror her interests as a submissive. In that event, subs compatible with her will have some interests she held as a submissive. So chances are, she will have insight about some aspects of her sub's submission.


Except you were talking about dominance and submission overlap and I said I saw a little bit of SM overlap.  

quote:


I don't claim that a dominant who has experienced submission is necessarily better than a dominant who has not done so. My position is that a notion that experiencing submission can help a dominant is not, as you say, misguided. It is the use of the word misguided with which I disagree.


I believe that it is misguided for someone who is not a switch to switch because they believe that it’s the way they will learn how to be a better dominant.  I believe that for someone who is a dominant they would be better served apprenticing under more experienced dominants or befriending other more experienced dominants.  I think that switching is best left for switches, not for people that are not going to enjoy it or grit their teeth through it because of a misguided belief that this will make them better.  

C~

Edited for wonky formatting.


< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 3/15/2007 7:03:41 AM >


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 129
RE: OMG You did what?!?!?! - 3/16/2007 9:06:15 AM   
bliss1


Posts: 497
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline
The past is the past and has helped shape who they are now.  As a submissive who has at times switched (wouldn't like it as full time position), I found that when on the other side of the coin  gave me new insight to being submissive and what I wanted from a Dom. 
Accept and respect his past - had those events not happened he wouldn't be the man he is now.

bliss

ps - The only thing I would question is why he didn't share this information with you.

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 130
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