quote:

ORIGINAL: basque48

Its truly a puzzling issue to me. Could it simply be that FemDom in general
has taken on so many hard line connotations? 

I think you are truly quite right!  There are several schools of thought that seem to abound here.  Some of the ladies here are very rigid here in their expectations and not at all willing to compromise in the least.  They seem to be looking for total submission from a man.  Frankly, it is indeed very rare to find a man who is capable of giving a woman (or another man) that kind of submission.  Like anything, there are degrees to which men & women are submissive by nature.

There are those, who seem to be less common, that are looking for more of a submissive, but partner oriented kind of relationship.  Personally, I think they have a better chance at successs, provided they're still willing to compromise at least somewhat in what they seek.

Perfection is a myth.  Unless you're truly perfect yourself, don't expect your ideal partner to be either.  If you really think you are perfect, I'd suggest you seek help from a mental health professional.  Having good self esteem is one thing, but being out of touch with reality and out of touch with what your strengths and weaknesses are is an entirely different matter.

My point is that I see long lists of why things didn't work out.  Most look about the same.  Obviously some issues on the lists are quite valid.  Yet others are perhaps less so.  Only those who wrote them will ever really know.  My only suggestion is that for those who are searching, that you really think about what is most important to you, and what things on your lists that you're willing to compromise on (to me, life is a series of compromises).  Once you do, you may just find there's someone out there who could be exactly what you are looking for.  

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

Money, position, career choice, background, had nothing to do with it - if I'd see a red flag in his behavior during our initial contact that indicated he's not a gentleman at heart, it was 'no harm, no foul' and I'd head back to the drawing board.

TexasMaam

Its my opinion that background has everything to do with being a gentleman.  How to behave as a gentleman is something that is learned and is usually taught to a boy as he grows or develops into a young man.  It's also something that can be taught by a patient Mistress to a man who is eager to please with a strong desire to learn; something akin to sending him to finishing school.  

Whether or not to do that would of course be a woman's choice to make before she decided to take on a potential sub in the rough.

1. I will not take second place in his life to anything, this includes, wife, girlfriend, job and yes not even to his mother
   
2. I am not after just a sub he needs to be able to be a partner as well, when I need him (yes confusing I know)
3. I do want children, dagnabit, I am 28 (this does seem to be an issue)
   
4. I want something very long term ... for some long term seems to mean 6 months
5. Age, sorry guys but if you are the same age as my father forget it
6. there is no scene where I live and I am not willing to travel 2 hours to play for 3 hours
7. I do not play online
   
8. if he is rude or gives me his msn addy in the first msg he tends to get ignored.
9. I live in Australia not quite so many subs over here and only 4 within an hour of where I live and I have been with 2 of those in the past.... plus I don't drive
10. I will not travel to a sub, in the long run all it does is leave me out of pocket
11. if I ask a question I generally expect an answer, not a trite what ever you wish... for example I get sick of choosing what is for dinner ever day.
    
12. form letters, they annoy me and tend to get a try again reply.
13. I don't do casual, ok fantasique you are driving through Toowoomba great, I'll meet ya for coffee, if I am free, you will not be getting sex.
14. I do not share well, he must be willing to be faithful and locked in chastity when he is not with me. (yes I have trust issues and I know it)
15. he must be able to read and actually do it (so many dont bother to read my profile)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

Yes, AAkasha...I would say, sadly, that the near misses come down to the same reason as the ones that are intertesting but fall out rather quickly.  The only differnece is that I think the near misses are a trifle more sincere and manage to keep their inability to completely submit under wraps for longer.  And this might be, as I have seen it, because they really do think they wish to submit and they don't realize that they are not. 
It is easy to pay lip service and fantasize about a 24/7 relationship that is a dream.  But when the rubber hits the road, I don't think many of them are prepared for the every day little things.  Suddenly they are caught up in a situation where it never even occured to them that their Mistress may not approve of or permit spending $25 for a bottle of cologne, or that there might not be tailor made shirts, and they have to consider being obedient and getting rid of the second vehicle, which is strictly a pleasure thing.  I am sure I am giving poor examples, but these are quick things I can think of off the top of My head.  I have also been offeredhomes with "slaves".  They do not want to liquidate their properties or rent them out and live under My roof.  They wish for Me to come to them.  *Sigh*  I will not do that.  If I were to consider relocating at alll, which I don';t, I would only relocate with the basis in place the the roof is Mine.  So he would still have to move to be with Me.  Else there is a serious power compromise. 
It is as if they think they are just going to say they want to submit and then slide their current life into the Lady's life, with little to no real change.  The change they see is that they now have  a partner who is going to be "in charge", they will probably take on more household chores, and perhaps run a bath or cook a meal, but they also receive the benefits of kinky play on a regular basis.  It doesn't really occur to them what "in charge" means. 
I am not sure if I am making Myself clear.  I can only say that this sort of blending of lives wherein the boy was not doing without and thinking about flexibility on his part, seems suddenly shocked when he starts to realize what "in charge" means, and then he realizes that he is not going to be able to submit in that capacity.  Yet these same boys are the ones who claim in profiles and emails that this is what they want.  I find they only want "it" when "it" only encompasses the things that are not going to touch anything that is really habitual with them.   This is the manner in which I test the waters.  "Do this at this time".  If excuses come, then I know that they are not comfortable losing the autonomy to maintain their personal preferences and habits. 
This is where My potential relationships usually fall by the wayside.  Most faster than others, because it does take a lot for Me to consider someone as a serious partner. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn


I believe there are a lot of people who really believe the fantasy can become reality, but the fantasy is specifically THEIR fantasy, not yours. What I just said isn't a real a-ha revelation, but the reason I'm posting as a response to GoddessDustyGold's post is that I am one of those people who has a pretty good idea what I'd be getting into if I ever successfully found such a relationship. But it's been elusive for me. Sometimes it's the distance between where I am and where She is. Now, this wouldn't really be all that much of a problem if there was a belief that what was at the end of that road was something real that would be the reality of such a wonderful type of relationship, that yes, I do understand. Unfortunately, that generally doesn't seem to be communicated from the other party, as I usually get either a "well, I wish you lived closer" or my other favorite of "well, if you ever end up moving out to this area, we should...."

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn


I believe there are a lot of people who really believe the fantasy can become reality, but the fantasy is specifically THEIR fantasy, not yours. What I just said isn't a real a-ha revelation, but the reason I'm posting as a response to GoddessDustyGold's post is that I am one of those people who has a pretty good idea what I'd be getting into if I ever successfully found such a relationship. But it's been elusive for me. Sometimes it's the distance between where I am and where She is. Now, this wouldn't really be all that much of a problem if there was a belief that what was at the end of that road was something real that would be the reality of such a wonderful type of relationship, that yes, I do understand. Unfortunately, that generally doesn't seem to be communicated from the other party, as I usually get either a "well, I wish you lived closer" or my other favorite of "well, if you ever end up moving out to this area, we should...."

Pursue and pursue aggressively.   For those subs serious about finding the 'one' and not wasting time, time is of the essence.  Don't let geography get in the way.  50 years ago people didn't have the ability to connect the way we do now.  If you have the choice between being single forever and taking some calculated risks, take them.

The problem is that femdoms are expected to be the ones to pursue, and that can't always be the case.  A guy impresses the hell out of me if he works hard to keep contact going, wants to talk on the phone, etc.  The worst she can say is no.  Send a letter in the mail (snail mail). Find out her birthday and send a card.  Talk on the phone. A lot about compatibility can be figured out online and on phone calls.  Then schedule a weekend visit. Get a hotel room to be PC. Sightsee.  Hold hands.  See what sparks might come up. 

The bottom line is -- don't take location as a deterrent if what you are seeking is a needle in a haystack.  Even if the odds seem incredibly not in your favor.  I took a huge risk on a one in a million chance of a relationship working with obstacles including age, geography, immigration, religion, and two people with families that didn't migrate more than 50 miles outside of their home city - EVER.  It was the biggest payoff ever.  If there's chemistry or a chance, work hard on it.

Akasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

True enough, pixel, however, consider the attorneys and accountants I've met who were raised and educated to be gentlemen and successful businessmen who were just asses.

Being raised in a given manner does not guarantee that the man will grow up to be anything other than a jerk, if at heart he's just a jerk.  I have met My share of well educated, well heeled silver spooned 'gentlemen' who were NOTHING but jerks.

Sad, but true!

TM

Ma'am, I'm doing my best not to bust out laughing my bottom off!  Many of the 'silver spooned gentlemen' you speak of were taught what I'll refer to as 'table manners & social graces'; the ones expected of their social class and not how to be the 'gentlemen at heart' you refer to.  The latter does come partly from a place deep in the heart and is fostered through being mentored by men and women in a growing boy's life who teach him to respect and show the proper regard for women they deserve.  The two are very different things. 

When I was in college, they definitely didn't offer any classes that I can recall on how to be a gentleman.  Not to sound disrespectful, but the professions you mention, aren't exactly high on my personal list of those I think of as being comprised of people known for having a lot of personal integrity.  Much of Corporate America and the business scandals of the last few years would serve as fine examples of that!  Here in Texas, the Enron scandal in particular comes to mind. 

The bottom line is that there's a lot more to being a gentleman than having good table manners, knowing which spoon or fork to use at a given time, opening doors, or carrying bags for the ladies.  A gentleman also has integrity of character such that being honest with both himself and others in his life is important enough to him that his word still means something to him.  For me personally, it's not because I care what others I don't even know will think, so much as it is because I care what I think of myself.  There are many other things I could say about being a gentleman, but I suspect we both know what I'm talking about and I really don't want to hijack this thread. 

You're right, there are lots of "jerks" out there who could care less about how their actions affect others just so long as they get what they want.  Sadly, they affect us all.

quote:

Pursue and pursue aggressively.   For those subs serious about finding the 'one' and not wasting time, time is of the essence.  Don't let geography get in the way.  50 years ago people didn't have the ability to connect the way we do now.  If you have the choice between being single forever and taking some calculated risks, take them.

The problem is that femdoms are expected to be the ones to pursue, and that can't always be the case.  A guy impresses the hell out of me if he works hard to keep contact going, wants to talk on the phone, etc.  The worst she can say is no.  Send a letter in the mail (snail mail). Find out her birthday and send a card.  Talk on the phone. A lot about compatibility can be figured out online and on phone calls.  Then schedule a weekend visit. Get a hotel room to be PC. Sightsee.  Hold hands.  See what sparks might come up. 

The bottom line is -- don't take location as a deterrent if what you are seeking is a needle in a haystack.  Even if the odds seem incredibly not in your favor.  I took a huge risk on a one in a million chance of a relationship working with obstacles including age, geography, immigration, religion, and two people with families that didn't migrate more than 50 miles outside of their home city - EVER.  It was the biggest payoff ever.  If there's chemistry or a chance, work hard on it.

Akasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: BBBTBW

All of the above.  Then there are the ones that pretend to be submissive but secretly only want to be vanilla boyfriends...the ones that pretend they are what you want/need/desire only to figure out at the last minute that they are only sex subs and they know you want more....those that do come to the meetings to size you up to see if you are good looking enough to them or to see if your sex appeal is what they are looking for......those that stand outside the establishment looking around like lost puppies when you explicitely told them what you would be wearing and they should come to the table you are sitting at to introduce themselves...the list goes on....

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitedomme21

quote:

ORIGINAL: BBBTBW

All of the above.  Then there are the ones that pretend to be submissive but secretly only want to be vanilla boyfriends...the ones that pretend they are what you want/need/desire only to figure out at the last minute that they are only sex subs and they know you want more....those that do come to the meetings to size you up to see if you are good looking enough to them or to see if your sex appeal is what they are looking for......those that stand outside the establishment looking around like lost puppies when you explicitely told them what you would be wearing and they should come to the table you are sitting at to introduce themselves...the list goes on....

I had the same impression after the last disappointment (2 days ago). We were both switches so I thought Great! But sometimes the guys seem to check you out, Is she goodlooking/Dommey enough for being considered a free Pro-Domme (many subs I think are like that)? Thank God I am attractive but not the bitchy latex-clad Domme, I am more interested in the person in front of me rather than the role.

Or sometimes they will tell you they're single (because you make clear you want a relatioship and all) but then you fnd out they've girlfriends/wives etc who are too inhibited etc hence they need their release. They would use you and then throw you away. One day they're crazy about you filling your mobile with texts and then the next they disappear and they get offended if you are cold when they come back to you (when they feel like turning back to 'kinky mood').

I've just got a name for these people: losers! Their loss, not mine, not ours!

Dommes/Switches unite against timewasters!!!

A.

P.S. I thought I was the only one going through this.

quote:

I am picky. I need my boy or girl to be physically attractive to me, to be mentally attractive to me and to be emotionally attachable to me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Unrepentant1

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitedomme21

quote:

ORIGINAL: BBBTBW

All of the above.  Then there are the ones that pretend to be submissive but secretly only want to be vanilla boyfriends...the ones that pretend they are what you want/need/desire only to figure out at the last minute that they are only sex subs and they know you want more....those that do come to the meetings to size you up to see if you are good looking enough to them or to see if your sex appeal is what they are looking for......those that stand outside the establishment looking around like lost puppies when you explicitely told them what you would be wearing and they should come to the table you are sitting at to introduce themselves...the list goes on....

I had the same impression after the last disappointment (2 days ago). We were both switches so I thought Great! But sometimes the guys seem to check you out, Is she goodlooking/Dommey enough for being considered a free Pro-Domme (many subs I think are like that)? Thank God I am attractive but not the bitchy latex-clad Domme, I am more interested in the person in front of me rather than the role.

Or sometimes they will tell you they're single (because you make clear you want a relatioship and all) but then you fnd out they've girlfriends/wives etc who are too inhibited etc hence they need their release. They would use you and then throw you away. One day they're crazy about you filling your mobile with texts and then the next they disappear and they get offended if you are cold when they come back to you (when they feel like turning back to 'kinky mood').

I've just got a name for these people: losers! Their loss, not mine, not ours!

Dommes/Switches unite against timewasters!!!

A.

P.S. I thought I was the only one going through this.

I see you are in the Uk, so I would think there are plenty available subs. Why not try munches etc, you are more likely to meet genuine people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


When you elevate being a slave up and above being in a relationship with a guy, most will will balk. This does not surprise me in the least.