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RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 2:50:24 PM   
BayouSub


Posts: 40
Joined: 4/2/2007
Status: offline 		MsPandora:

I agree with you that both dommes and subs should be respectful in the discussion on this board.  Of course, disagreement does not equal disrespect and that's the only point I was trying to make in my post.

BayouSub

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 2:54:34 PM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TigressFL

If anyone got the impression that I was pissed at or somehow flaming pixelslave, I assure I was not. I simply did not agree with everything he said and stated my thoughts, nothing more, nothing less. Disagreeing with someone certainly does not equal being pissed or flaming in my mind at least.

Tigress~FL



You are worrying about nothing. We all have different views and ideas of what we seek, thats what makes us human and why certain people click together and others do not. There is no need for anyone to get wound up or upset on here as long as we are honest and open.

(in reply to TigressFL)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 3:58:24 PM   
Mysti


Posts: 125
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		Much of my rt experience was with that of my ex boyfriend and we were both switches, He as a sub/switch, and I as a Domme/Switch. What broke us up was nothing lifestyle related, but some of our disconnects were. We were trying to make something work and there were broken links in the chain. So I would have to say that important things are:

1. Honesty- with ones self and with eachother
2. Communication- A sub shouldnt be afraid to tell Me when he's upset or ill or in pain( not the good kind). There are times when his mental and physical wellbeing MUST come before My whims and desires. A broken toy is no fun to play with. A prime example would be in a scene, if he's afraid to safeword, I could do serious damage! And then not only would I feel awful for braking my toy, he would feel like our trust was shattered
3. Clear definition of expectations both from Mistress and sub

There are a few things that get to me when I recieve mail from subs. Theyre all personal things that I may gently correct, or if the rest of the mail is a do-me letter will just ignore alltogether

I prefer not to be called Mistress, Ma'am, Goddess, etc. I've done not a thing to earn such a title and therefore I feel funny responding to them. I prefer to be called by my name, which is Mysti. Some people call me Miss Mysti and I smile at that because..well I just find it adorable.I find Miss to be a title that isnt along the lines of Mistress. Its simply a polite greeting.

I purposefully dont use the BDSM checklists on this site in the profile section. I find my tastes change more often than I change my panties ( daily of course). I may love my flogger.. but I may also not like using it on a certain person.

Sadly 99% of the emails I recieved in the past were from folks that were wondering what I could do for them. they didnt bother to look at my nilla interests to see if there was anything in common. I dont wield a whip 24/7, and I dont expect them to be naked at y feet 24/7. I want them to be able to go out with me in public and not walk in my shadow.

I started to ramble, so I apologize if any of you fell asleep :)


_____________________________

Sic vis pacem, para bellum- If you want peace, prepare for war

Check me out: http://lolavalentinos.etsy.com

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 4:17:39 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitedomme21

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


When you elevate being a slave up and above being in a relationship with a guy, most will will balk. This does not surprise me in the least.


Sorry, you were referring to my comment?
If so, no, not at all. It's the other way round actually.


Since cloudboy did click on My response to make a reply, I am going to assume that he was, indeed, referring to Me.  I am not surprised since cloudboy has always had a problem with My expectations and feels they are not reasonable.  *Wink*  And that is ok...I am well aware that he has reservations, for whatever reason, with My "consistency". 
I think this entire discussion has pointed out similar concerns, over and over, in different ways.  It is not 100% about the "do me" list.  Those with the big, long ones wash out much faster because their focus doesn't even begin to approach the necessary core traits.  It is about the attitude .  It is about the demeanor.  And it is paticularly disapponting when we have so many who beg for a Lady who will absolutely control them and their lives, yet as soon as we do, or begin to, they back off or find excuses to maintain autonomy in too many areas.  And then it is a matter of the Lady being unreasonable.  Not that the boy didn't think it through and now he is uncomfortable with what he signed on for. 
I did not address pixelslave's response because I understand what he is trying to say.  But I also feel it is a matter of the male point of view as opposed to the Female point of view.  He thinks We seek perfection and that is not going to happen.  I agree that perfection is not going to happen.  I disagree that we are seeking it.  We are seeking something that is outside of societal norms.  And that makes it much harder to find.  There are many who think they want this, but they really do not have the skills to make their normalcy the polar opposite of what they have been raised by family and society to understand is the male role and attitude.  As long as they can put on the mantle of submission when it is convenient, they can usually pull it off for a while.  But for many, the societal expectations are so ingrained, they do not even realize they are "balking".  They think they are being reasonable. 
I could also say that most males are very rigid and have unrealistic expectations of Dominas.  I could state it as fact, if I go by the email that arrives in My mailbox.  But I don't.      
I can deal with most anything, even some temporary balking, as long as the sincere wish to please Me (not sexually) exists.  I am more than willing to teach or "train", but the willingness to learn has to be there also.  I find a big lack in that area.  The boys are often willing to "learn" how to take the strap-on, but they "balk" at the simpler life lessons of being able to say "Yes, Ma'am" and be happy that they have this wonderful Lady who will steer their life with a natural emphasis on Her personal comfort and happiness.  And I want the boy to be happy too.  But I can't force him to be happy, if it is not in his nature or nurture to be fulfilled in this giving.    
I do understand that things like this take time to build and that trust is an important element.  Get to know the Lady and realize that she is not going to do anything to harm you.  Don't dicate what you feel is acceptable.  Or do dictate it, but then don't be surprised if you have a tough time connecting with the many "single" FemDoms who are also having a trying time finding the right "other half".   
Since the Ladies have the privilege on Dominance in this scenario, it might behoove the boys to begin trying to learn to speak and undestand  a little *Venution*. 


How does being head over heels in love impact this equation?  If a man is completely in love and devoted (vanilla, kinky, or somewhere in between) and pledges that his lady will always have the last word, is that submissive enough do you believe for your expectations, GoddeessDustyGold? I think you are very clearly able to articulate what you want and need and have a lot of experience to back it up.  I'm always curious how "total love/devotion" can tip the scale, and if sometimes the problem is simply because a man may be loving with his fantasy, with his cock, and with as much hope and pretend as he can, but in reality, if he's not "willing to die for you" kind of love, he's not going to give up that last .05% or whatever.

Regardless, I think it's a fascinating debate, and a healthy one to have. 

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 4:23:32 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear Griswold, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Unfortunately, we (in general) as a group and or class of individuals as a community and or society, often quickly focus on the negatives and thus prejudice and or bias quickly manifests.
 
I do find so many wonderful slave/submissive men on Collarme.com; that I feel as a larger community we're blessed to have such men wave a reminder--that we're easy to become cynical because of the people who tend to play others like a banjo.
 
Slaves and submissives have every right to be as picky and choose what they know suits their spirit.  Not all submissives/slaves submit to all Dominants.  Respect goes both ways and applaud those gentlemen who gently lament their plight in being swept into generalizations.  It is so true.  Female Dominants are also dealing with generalizations as well.  Both Dominants and submissive/slaves across the World suffer from generalizations within the community/lifestyle/the scene.
 
In my mind's eyes I see, the renewal resolve to work even harder to not let cynical natures cloud the filtering process on finding our 'matches.'
 
Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Griswold)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 4:30:41 PM   
TigressFL


Posts: 239
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks to those that responded to me. While I know that there is no way I can be a regular poster and not piss someone off at somepoint. It is simply not my intent.

I think submissives indeed have the right to be just as picky as anyone else. It is about finding someone that is compatible for a mutually fulfilling relationship and with that in mind it is important not to compromise so much that you end up miserable but compromise enough to allow for room to grow together. It is all about balance to me.

Tigress~FL

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 4:50:57 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

How does being head over heels in love impact this equation?  If a man is completely in love and devoted (vanilla, kinky, or somewhere in between) and pledges that his lady will always have the last word, is that submissive enough do you believe for your expectations, GoddeessDustyGold? I think you are very clearly able to articulate what you want and need and have a lot of experience to back it up.  I'm always curious how "total love/devotion" can tip the scale, and if sometimes the problem is simply because a man may be loving with his fantasy, with his cock, and with as much hope and pretend as he can, but in reality, if he's not "willing to die for you" kind of love, he's not going to give up that last .05% or whatever.

Regardless, I think it's a fascinating debate, and a healthy one to have. 

Akasha



We do have some good discussions, don't we?  *Smile*
Ah, the "in love" scenario...
I will begin with Me being in love.  It would not be easy for Me to fall in love.  I would love for it to happen, but I do not need it to make a good relationship in the M/s realm work.  And it might happen over time.  Who knows?  I will say that I would not even approach falling in love with someone who did not already meet a certain submissive demeanor that I would find attractive.  I am not attracted at all to one who would tell Me that I will be "in charge"  and then proceeds, in various ways, to manipulate things to his own purposes and comfort level.  So that kind of takes care of that!
A boy being in love with Me?  I have recently been through this.  It wasn't the first time, possibly it won't be the last, but I have a very recent experience with this exact scenario.  Again, this will actually work against the whole relationship if the boy is falling in love and tries to use that as a reason to force Me into a compromising situation.
I am really not some sort of rigid ogre.  If it was only the .05% you indicate, or even more, I do have an ability to compromise within reason.  But there are certain behaviors and attitudes that I shy away from, and I find these come up often.  And it is the behavior and the attitude, or the refusal to see the disobedience and the refusal to take any personal responsibility that finishes it for Me.
Just because a boy tells Me that he has fallen in love, does not mean that I should be or will be flattered beyond reason and suddenly change My needs to fit his preferences.   The fact of the matter remains that he did pledge that I would have the last word, then reneged and was argumentative when he did answer a question, or refused to answer at all, as if it wasn't My business and I should just move on and trust him.  Yet the issues were important moral and ethical situations that I needed to get cleared away.  When the "But I am in love with you" card was played, it left Me cold.   Not much I could do about it other than the excessive communication and work I put in before I called it off.  I could tell you a few stories that would make your hair curl, but I am not quite enough of a bitch to out someone in that manner.   
Being "head over heels in love" does not really impact My equation.  If I ever am, it will be because I fell in love with the submissive who fit into My preferences most of the way.  Him being "head over heels in love" with Me, does not impact it either, because I will be happy if he fits into My preferences whether he is in love with Me or not. 

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 6:43:03 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I participated in an interesting discussion elsewhere.

A domme initiated the discussion about how the level of power is negotiated in a relationship. For relationships that have potential for only play, she is more likely to assume an it's-my-way-or-the-highway position. For relationships with promise to be broader and include companionship, she is more likely to compromise to satisfy the wants and needs of her sub so as to keep him interested in the relationship. Her ideal relationship combines romantic companionship and D/s.

My response was somewhat consistent. I would be more willing to accept a no-compromise attitude (until unbearable) in a short-term play partner than in a partner for a long-term relationship. For a long-term relationship, compassion and compromise on each side are important to me. And it is important to me that my partner cares about my needs and wants.

Another sub had a thoughtful and articulate post, which I will not even attempt to recreate here. His general message was that he finds a no-compromise approach to push him away. And he added that he is more likely to move towards all out surrender when he has had time to feel trust that the decisions the dominant will make will adequately address his well being, that the decisions are not self-serving but ones that serve the relationship and each person within it, and that the dominant has good judgment and decision making skills. His point resonated with me and is consistent with the quote below

quote:

GoddessDustyGold
I do understand that things like this take time to build and that trust is an important element.  Get to know the Lady and realize that she is not going to do anything to harm you.  Don't dicate what you feel is acceptable.  Or do dictate it, but then don't be surprised if you have a tough time connecting with the many "single" FemDoms who are also having a trying time finding the right "other half".


We do indeed have good discussions here.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 6:48:36 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
How does being head over heels in love impact this equation?


I think being head over heels in love would positively impact the equation. In addition to a sense of duty and the satisfaction within submission, you would have the romantic I-would-do-anything-for-love force also contributing to the motivation.

That said, giving love often creates a want for love in return, which can affect expectations.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 4/15/2007 7:31:28 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 7:22:00 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I will add my datapoints towards yielding control. GoddessDustyGold, please do not take this post to be directed at your specific situation but as general thoughts to present one sub's perspective, which came upon reading posts in this thread.

While I wish to be the submissive in a D/s relationship, I do not take this role to mean that I will surrender all, even eventually. For instance, I have reasonable aptitude for critical thinking and logic. If there is an important decision with which I disagree intellectually, I wish to be able to say so. If this discussion still leads to no agreement, whether I will forego my concerns or not will depend on the magnitude of the decision's impact, as well the magnitude of my concern. I expect my relationship to be a mix of romantic companionship and D/s, and the approach to disagreement will sometimes occur in the D/s realm (where I accept the decision), and sometimes in the companionship realm (where it is worked out as it would in a non-D/s context). I expect the same in most D/s relationships--there would be a threshhold of concern beyond which a sub may step out of the role. I think this threshhold varies from person to person and grows with the relationship.

I do not know what level of control I will yield and do not try to define it now. I have a ball park idea and feel that this level will be determined organically and will depend on the other involved.

A point I wish to add is that a pledge to do everything needs to be qualified with how well the person knows to what he is committing. In my opinion, most times this pledge is made without knowing its scope, and that the scope is dynamically defined over the course of the relationship. To calibrate expectations, it may help in the intial discussions to discuss specific examples of what this loss of control means. And, thinking out loud, I think these examples would achieve most if they cover differents types of surrender (surrender of identity, surrender of physical security, etc). Even then, an act of surrender that sounds hot may be different when experienced in practice--I have no good answer at this time for what might help this matter. It is indeed a submissive's responsibility to be self aware. I  think a dominant who can faciliate achieving self awareness, or is otherwise prepared to mitigate against his lack of self awarness will find such skills to serve her.

One of my early courtships ended and left me frustrated because the domme was retreating from what she had said before. I observed, however, that what she said before did not matter as much as how she felt then. I think the same idea applies to a submissive who pledges to accept everything and then does not. I think his pledge might compel him to comply out of guilt but it will be a short term solution. I think addressing the reluctance will be a more effective solution.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 4/15/2007 7:35:18 PM >

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:03:38 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

I participated in an interesting discussion elsewhere.

A domme initiated the discussion about how the level of power is negotiated in a relationship. For relationships that have potential for only play, she is more likely to assume an it's-my-way-or-the-highway position. For relationships with promise to be broader and include companionship, she is more likely to compromise to satisfy the wants and needs of her sub so as to keep him interested in the relationship. Her ideal relationship combines romantic companionship and D/s.

My response was somewhat consistent. I would be more willing to accept a no-compromise attitude (until unbearable) in a short-term play partner than in a partner for a long-term relationship. For a long-term relationship, compassion and compromise on each side are important to me. And it is important to me that my partner cares about my needs and wants.

Another sub had a thoughtful and articulate post, which I will not even attempt to recreate here. His general message was that he finds a no-compromise approach to push him away. And he added that he is more likely to move towards all out surrender when he has had time to feel trust that the decisions the dominant will make will adequately address his well being, that the decisions are not self-serving but ones that serve the relationship and each person within it, and that the dominant has good judgment and decision making skills. His point resonated with me and is consistent with the quote below

quote:

GoddessDustyGold
I do understand that things like this take time to build and that trust is an important element.  Get to know the Lady and realize that she is not going to do anything to harm you.  Don't dicate what you feel is acceptable.  Or do dictate it, but then don't be surprised if you have a tough time connecting with the many "single" FemDoms who are also having a trying time finding the right "other half".


We do indeed have good discussions here.

Cheers,

Sea


If it all comes down to compromise, still, someone must be willing to be on the short end of the stick.  There's no pretty way to paint that.  Ultimately, one person has the authority to have the final say - period.  I don't think GoddessDustyGold's or my relationships reflect an authoritarian, unrelenting type of power; but there's no doubt in this household that it's my way or the highway.  I don't think I could have a harmonious relationship if I had a man that ever, EVER tried to test me, manipulate me, or question my authority.  Now that I have lived it for 5 years, I am even more certain that this is the only way it would work for me.

Have I made bad decisions?  Sure. Most of my bad decisions have to do with spending and compulsive behavior.  Would I have been vetoed in an otherwise "equal" relationship? Oh, hell yeah.  I respect my partner enough to get his opinion on matters of money and allow him to basically handle the money management anyway; but when I say "I think I want to but this gadget which I don't really need," and he cringes and says, "Ohh crap, really, you DON'T need that gadget, and here's why..." I will listen and generally he talks me out of it.  But some of the times he doesn't, and there's no fight, there's no tension. 

At the same time, when he buys anything, he asks me for permission. Usually, I have to tell him, then ORDER him to buy it.  He is reluctant to buy anything for himself, ever. 

In matters of the bedroom, it's always my way.  I can deny him for days if I am not in the mood, I can demand satisfaction and he gets none, I can do whatever I want.  Am I a selfish lover? Hell yes.  Is he unconditionally giving? Yes.  I do my best to not ever take him for granted and always try to be reasonable, but he knows, and respects, that I have a streak in me that is demanding, ambitious, passionate, and unrelenting.

I choose examples of money and sex, because in most relationships, you'll see that more than 50% of their fights or disagreements are in that area.  I would imagine that the others are related to children and we don't have any. 

The only reason this works for both of us is because he admires and cherishes this same side of me that other men would bristle from.  And I don't have to yield power over him, he wants me to have it.  I also don't sit around and find reasons to boss him around, or vindictively take things away from him or control him just to make a point. I have never forbid him from buying something he wants (like I said, I usually have to order him to do it) or from having a social life, going out or doing anything.  But, clearly, we both know who is in control, and that's not changing.  To have this kind of one sided relationship for more than 5 years and not really have any fights about it is astonishing.

Still, I don't chalk this up to him being "submissive" to anything or anyone; I chalk this up to unconditional love and a man who has a very big heart.  That's why I am curious where love factors into it.

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:05:19 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Your post stirred up thoughts about rigidity vs. "compassion and compromise." 

When I started out on this site, I was most driven by curiosity about myself and D/s and open-ended exploration.  There were good experiences and bad experiences, but it was all grist for the mill.  I was, I'm sure, much more open and inviting than I am at present. 

Because most of the email I get is a meat market approach, I've tended to respond to all comers that way.  As you noted, it's a "my way or the highway" approach. With many men who get in touch, if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile, so I do not give an inch.  However, when someone interesting comes along, it's very hard to step down from this overly calcified stance.

I have said to many submissives, "I do not care what you want."  What this means is "I don't know if you are going to be the million and first asshole, so I'm not going to give you encouragement for your potentially stupid ideas."  My dominant desires have a quiet voice inside my head.  If some loud-mouth comes along and tells me all about what he wants, he gets in the way of that. 

If I were in a relationship with someone, I would want him to be happy and fulfilled.  Relationships can't flourish without that.  If someone can be happy within the kind of control and kinks that I enjoy, his needs (but perhaps not his wants) will be taken into consideration.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:09:30 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Wonderful post AAkasha.
At the end of the day you are in charge, and your relationship
works for you.
Very well written.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:15:28 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Still, I don't chalk this up to him being "submissive" to anything or anyone; I chalk this up to unconditional love and a man who has a very big heart.  That's why I am curious where love factors into it.


My most satisfying relationship was with my husband.  Though he was not a D/s submissive, a submale could learn a *lot* from him.  He liked making me the center of attention and catering to me.  He didn't mind when I was high-strung and demanding.  He was a constant, mellow presence.  He loved it when men flirted with me (and not in an annoying cuckold way).  He was always eager in his willingness, and enjoyed my pleasure. 

I never made him do this.  He wanted to.  He thrived on it, and I was happy as well.  He was oriented toward pleasing his partner, and this, in part, came out of his love. 

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:31:17 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

For instance, I have reasonable aptitude for critical thinking and logic. If there is an important decision with which I disagree intellectually, I wish to be able to say so. If this discussion still leads to no agreement, whether I will forego my concerns or not will depend on the magnitude of the decision's impact, as well the magnitude of my concern.

 
And if there was an important decision with which a slave of Mine might disagree on an intellectual basis, or even on a "definitely more experience in this area" situation, I would be more than open to listening, and would probably even request input.  I think I would really like to have an example of something that might cause you such magnitude of concern, after getting to know and living with a Lady that could cause you to end the relationship. 
I am not a "My way or the highway" in every single area.   But when I know I have more experience or knowledge regarding something, and My input is completely refused because "he knows best" it is more of an indication that this is someone who is not going to let go of much control.  Especially when it happens early and often. 
I think that both AAkasha and MySweetSubmissive have valid points.  Sometimes it seems we might be shooting ourselves in the foot, but first instincts are usually right.  I often give additional chances and try to remain open.  But, as said...give an inch and they assume the next mile is theirs and then seem shocked when you try to pull them back to that inch you gave.  And I gave that inch because it wasn't anything that was a big deal to Me and would not compromise the ultimate power exhange.  It is very easy to erode the power and blur the lines unless the Lady is sure of what she wants and needs and refuses to be manipulated by the submissive/slave. 
I am always keeping My eyes peeled in the lifestyle and in the vanilla realm.  I really don't care where My partner comes from.  I have been on many vanilla dates (still do go  out fairly often) and I always find a way to bring up the idea of "female led" relationships.  I have yet to find someone who seems to be knowledgeable enough to know what I am speaking of, or even show much interest.  Frankly, the idea (and I am not talking about the kink) scares the sh*t out of most men.  So it is probably a good thing that I also don't really care whether or not I find a partner.  Maybe that's good, and maybe that's bad. But it is who I am, and I have already spent too many years of My life compromising and being unhappy. 
I am happy by Myself. 
I am sure I would be happy with the right partner. =
I am not going to settle for any partner just to have one. 

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 4/15/2007 8:33:04 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:50:07 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear GoddessDustyGold, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I agree a lot to what you have posted thus far, to include Post #21.
 
Excluding the minority of gentlemen who identify as submissive or slave men, the tendency of men who approach Dominant women hold onto control with their hands clinched and white knuckles.  And, when Dominants do compromise or at least be gracious in listening; often take hold and start running things being 'know it alls.'  It becomes a tug of war, a power struggle.  It may be entertaining for a short duration however, for a longer period of time such individuals who fight a power exchange with a Female Dominant it is just easier to dismiss such quickly.
 
In my mind's eyes I see, a lot has to do with a Dominant's choice of words and 'ways.'  I see both sides brissle when there is strength show and a command/demand tone about one another.  At times, it takes 'skill' in wording things as to be dominant without being domineering.
In addition, there will always be personality conflicts that will crop up.  Communication really has to be mutual and respectful on both sides. 
 
In really good working relationships, there is communication, there is a feeding of each other's needs and some may call it power exchange and or energy exchange.  The desired result, is hopefully two individuals who are flexible enough to compliment each other and not have competitions with each other.
 
In addition, in my mind's eyes I see--compassion as far as I see within myself, is not a sign of weakness however, it is extra measures to which I can afford to loose that makes up my nature.  Grace and compassion are virtues as well as a strength.  So, those who mistake subtle strength as weakness are certainly mistaken.
 
I will also affirm, that "Ask the Mistress" section of the forum can hold some wonderful exchanges and this permits me to see through another's mind's eyes.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:16:35 PM   
subexploring


Posts: 103
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline 		I'm looking to meet a woman who I can fall in love with in a "vanilla" sense, have a rich partnership with, and then submit totally to that person in the context of that partnership. That's hard to find -- it means that in addition to someone who is self-consciously domme (who are incredibly rare people) someone has to be compatible with me intellectually, physically, in terms of at least some of our interests. That's also rather rare. Then layer on top of that that I want to have kids, which unfortunately puts an age limit on things (so many women seem to come into their domme side after 40), and it's a tough match.

In general, I've had better luck introducing some domme elements into my vanilla matches than trying to find vanilla compatibility with domme women. Part of it too is that many domme women don't seem to be looking for a primary romantic partner. I don't need to be monogamous, but I do want to be primary for someone.

I'm pretty straightforward in my profile about what I'm searching for. I get few responses and also see few profiles from women that seem to be seeking a fully rounded romantic relationship (vanilla as well as BDSM). That's OK, though, I'd rather have a very few compatible meets than lots of incompatible ones. Plus most of my romantic energy is not directed through BDSM outlets.

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 97
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:25:32 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subexploring

In general, I've had better luck introducing some domme elements into my vanilla matches than trying to find vanilla compatibility with domme women. 




Hey subexloring!

I agree.  It seems to fly in the face of common sense but I also (tend to) find this to be true. 

Sad really.

Best of luck to you brother. 



 

< Message edited by joyinslavery -- 4/15/2007 10:25:05 PM >

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to subexploring)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 10:43:02 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold
I think I would really like to have an example of something that might cause you such magnitude of concern, after getting to know and living with a Lady that could cause you to end the relationship. 


For me, examples of major decisions are city of relocation, where to purchase a house, matters regarding beginning or ending my career, maintaining family ties, etc. If there is a disagreement, it does not necessarily mean an end of the relationship, and I am suggesting an approach similar to what is taken by couples without a D/s dynamic. I think a decision that has the support of both partners has a stronger basis than one that relies only on authority defined by D/s roles. Sure, such a disagreement could mean the end of the relationship. More often, I hope it leads to a compromise. I think the outcome--whether it will be a compromise or an end of the relationship--will depend on how important the matter is to each and how important the relationship is. If the matter is of moderate importance to the domme, and high importance to the sub, I imagine the domme would compromise and vice versa, or a different alternative would be sought. If the matter is of equal importance, and there is no third alternative, there may well be a stalemate.

quote:

I am not a "My way or the highway" in every single area.   But when I know I have more experience or knowledge regarding something, and My input is completely refused because "he knows best" it is more of an indication that this is someone who is not going to let go of much control.  Especially when it happens early and often.


I am not suggesting a unilateral decision by the sub and favor a mutual decision. I am instead describing the opposite: when a sub does have experience or knowledge but his input is rejected based on the role (dominant knows best). In my opinion, the role itself does not define expertise or better judgment. Sometimes the domme knows better, sometimes not. I sense you agree.

You indicate that in your relationship, you include the input of the sub and use your authority responsibly. I can imagine a situation where the dominant's decision is not as responsible. I can imagine someone new to dominance where ego or intransigence drive a decision not adequately contemplated, and the role is used to justify it. And even when the sub's input has been invited and there is disagreement, I think the resolution follows similar principles as the case when no input is invited.

What happens if you have invited the input of a sub but you two still disagree and he feels very strongly about the matter?

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 10:55:46 PM   
LadyBeckett


Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitedomme21

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


When you elevate being a slave up and above being in a relationship with a guy, most will will balk. This does not surprise me in the least.


Sorry, you were referring to my comment?
If so, no, not at all. It's the other way round actually.


Since cloudboy did click on My response to make a reply, I am going to assume that he was, indeed, referring to Me.  I am not surprised since cloudboy has always had a problem with My expectations and feels they are not reasonable.  *Wink*  And that is ok...I am well aware that he has reservations, for whatever reason, with My "consistency". 
I think this entire discussion has pointed out similar concerns, over and over, in different ways.  It is not 100% about the "do me" list.  Those with the big, long ones wash out much faster because their focus doesn't even begin to approach the necessary core traits.  It is about the attitude .  It is about the demeanor.  And it is paticularly disapponting when we have so many who beg for a Lady who will absolutely control them and their lives, yet as soon as we do, or begin to, they back off or find excuses to maintain autonomy in too many areas.  And then it is a matter of the Lady being unreasonable.  Not that the boy didn't think it through and now he is uncomfortable with what he signed on for. 
I did not address pixelslave's response because I understand what he is trying to say.  But I also feel it is a matter of the male point of view as opposed to the Female point of view.  He thinks We seek perfection and that is not going to happen.  I agree that perfection is not going to happen.  I disagree that we are seeking it.  We are seeking something that is outside of societal norms.  And that makes it much harder to find.  There are many who think they want this, but they really do not have the skills to make their normalcy the polar opposite of what they have been raised by family and society to understand is the male role and attitude.  As long as they can put on the mantle of submission when it is convenient, they can usually pull it off for a while.  But for many, the societal expectations are so ingrained, they do not even realize they are "balking".  They think they are being reasonable. 
I could also say that most males are very rigid and have unrealistic expectations of Dominas.  I could state it as fact, if I go by the email that arrives in My mailbox.  But I don't.      
I can deal with most anything, even some temporary balking, as long as the sincere wish to please Me (not sexually) exists.  I am more than willing to teach or "train", but the willingness to learn has to be there also.  I find a big lack in that area.  The boys are often willing to "learn" how to take the strap-on, but they "balk" at the simpler life lessons of being able to say "Yes, Ma'am" and be happy that they have this wonderful Lady who will steer their life with a natural emphasis on Her personal comfort and happiness.  And I want the boy to be happy too.  But I can't force him to be happy, if it is not in his nature or nurture to be fulfilled in this giving.    
I do understand that things like this take time to build and that trust is an important element.  Get to know the Lady and realize that she is not going to do anything to harm you.  Don't dicate what you feel is acceptable.  Or do dictate it, but then don't be surprised if you have a tough time connecting with the many "single" FemDoms who are also having a trying time finding the right "other half".   
Since the Ladies have the privilege on Dominance in this scenario, it might behoove the boys to begin trying to learn to speak and undestand  a little *Venution*. 


How does being head over heels in love impact this equation?  If a man is completely in love and devoted (vanilla, kinky, or somewhere in between) and pledges that his lady will always have the last word, is that submissive enough do you believe for your expectations, GoddeessDustyGold? I think you are very clearly able to articulate what you want and need and have a lot of experience to back it up.  I'm always curious how "total love/devotion" can tip the scale, and if sometimes the problem is simply because a man may be loving with his fantasy, with his cock, and with as much hope and pretend as he can, but in reality, if he's not "willing to die for you" kind of love, he's not going to give up that last .05% or whatever.

Regardless, I think it's a fascinating debate, and a healthy one to have. 

Akasha



Hello Akasha,

I found your post to be most interesting, and therefore inclined to respond.  I believe that how that 5% may be defined would vary by individual, so it may not always be a bad thing to allow that much to the individual.  Just as certainly I would aver that dedication and love may not differ greatly enough to measure.  Although I believe we would absolutely agree that dedication is most likely a choice.  I would also respond to your question to Dusty re having "the last word".  Ha ha...in my world it isn't about having the last word as much as it is my word being the word.   Non-negotiable. 

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 100
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