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RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:06:27 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

I would agree with this.

I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm not sure of the context, but virtually all of the men I talk to are fetish first ... and last. Most of the men who get in contact with me are not interested in friendship or more (not infrequently they are already *in* a relationship.), despite the fact that I overtly say this is what I'm looking for.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to petitedomme21)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:10:01 AM

Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

I think TigressFL hit the nail on the head on this one.
I would add, most of the male submissives I run into are so deep
into fantasy land, they have little hope of being able to see reality.

(in reply to TigressFL)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:12:10 AM

Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

It seems like there are plenty of femdoms posting here that are single, looking and sometimes frustrated. Yet, there are tons of regular posters who are submissive and haven't had any luck either.

My question for the femdoms is this. Assuming you probably have met, emailed, telephoned with many male sub suitors, what have been the "near misses"? What has been the reason for a "close - but not quite what I need/want"? Is there a consistent thing missing?

Akasha

How could I forget? The majority of the men I have ever encountered on CM,
both submissive and Dominant, were do me's.
Hence, this screen name.
Sad thing is the massive amount of email this screen name generates.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:19:12 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

I've come to the conclusion that people are rather perverse, and that getting what you want can be too much.

Typically when I'm looking for a submissive, I'm looking at the person as a whole -- D/s balanced with his other qualities. During these periods I'm bombarded by kink-only overtures. But in the rare periods where I want kink and I want it nooooooooooow -- Just show up and lick my feet, love -- I get people whining that they want more than that, that they don't want to *just* be used. Boggling. Do I have to be a "girl" and pretend to want something else to arrive at what I want?

MSS

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 4/15/2007 8:24:50 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to MistressDoMe)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:38:38 AM

Posts: 239
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I think you are truly quite right! There are several schools of thought that seem to abound here. Some of the ladies here are very rigid here in their expectations and not at all willing to compromise in the least. They seem to be looking for total submission from a man. Frankly, it is indeed very rare to find a man who is capable of giving a woman (or another man) that kind of submission. Like anything, there are degrees to which men & women are submissive by nature.

There are those, who seem to be less common, that are looking for more of a submissive, but partner oriented kind of relationship. Personally, I think they have a better chance at successs, provided they're still willing to compromise at least somewhat in what they seek.

Then there seem to be those that are looking for service slaves of some kind, cuckholds, non-sexual submissive relationships, complex poly relationships, or multiple subs with varying purposes for each.

Clearly, there's a large variety of what women are looking for out there which is difficult for some of us to discern. On the flip side of the coin, I'm sure it's probably as varied with the men.

What I see more than anything, regardless of what people are looking for is a "shopping list" of qualities or characteristics they expect potential partners to have and no desire or ability to compromise when someone comes close to meeting their list. Its as if those who are looking forget that the others they are meeting are people too with their own unique talents. abilities and experiences they have to offer as an added bonus we don't always see. How rigid do we have to be on our lists of wants and desires? What's the cost to us in lost time and pleasure when we could be having fun with someone who we just might be very compatible with us?

Perfection is a myth. Unless you're truly perfect yourself, don't expect your ideal partner to be either. If you really think you are perfect, I'd suggest you seek help from a mental health professional. Having good self esteem is one thing, but being out of touch with reality and out of touch with what your strengths and weaknesses are is an entirely different matter.

My point is that I see long lists of why things didn't work out. Most look about the same. Obviously some issues on the lists are quite valid. Yet others are perhaps less so. Only those who wrote them will ever really know. My only suggestion is that for those who are searching, that you really think about what is most important to you, and what things on your lists that you're willing to compromise on (to me, life is a series of compromises). Once you do, you may just find there's someone out there who could be exactly what you are looking for.

- pixel

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

Wow, I read this reply over and over again and each time I was more floored than the last. You make it sound as if the only chance we have is to settle for a male that will let us "Top" him from time to time but for the most part be a vanilla relationship. I do not know what circles you travel in outside of CM but I assure you there are many males that live a life of surrender to their owner (in and out of the bedroom). It is not as uncommon as you seem to think it is from my personal observation. I will concede that the pool of available ones is much smaller but there are still plenty out here!

When it comes to laundry lists, standards and compromise, I think that there is such a thing as having unrealistic expectations, however, who is to say they are unrealistic outside of the person trying to meet them? You certainly cannot decide that for me nor can I decide that for you.

I re-evaluate what I want from someone often. I also re-evaluate the things I view as deal breakers. As a result, many things have changed from time to time as I have changed. I have never met anyone that truly thought they were perfect or were looking for actual perfection. Those that I have met including myself are simply looking for someone that is "perfect for them". I think if you have something on your shopping list then it is there for a reason, it is great to really take a look at "why" it is there to see if perhaps your reasons have changed but to not have any standards at all or to compromise too much will simply lead you into a very unfulfilling relationship. Keep in mind that you have to live with each item you rule out and each item you compromise on. There is a balance to be found here and that takes work and deep thought for each individual.

Keep the faith ladies! Do not allow messages of gloom and despair hinder you from what you seek.

Tigress~FL

(in reply to pixelslave)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:40:55 AM

Posts: 7
Joined: 12/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MiladyAngelique

all my reasons have already been stated but here they are

I will not take second place in his life to anything, this includes, wife, girlfriend, job and yes not even to his mother

I am not after just a sub he needs to be able to be a partner as well, when I need him (yes confusing I know)

I do want children, dagnabit, I am 28 (this does seem to be an issue)

I want something very long term ... for some long term seems to mean 6 months

Age, sorry guys but if you are the same age as my father forget it

there is no scene where I live and I am not willing to travel 2 hours to play for 3 hours

I do not play online

if he is rude or gives me his msn addy in the first msg he tends to get ignored.

I live in Australia not quite so many subs over here and only 4 within an hour of where I live and I have been with 2 of those in the past.... plus I don't drive

I will not travel to a sub, in the long run all it does is leave me out of pocket

if I ask a question I generally expect an answer, not a trite what ever you wish... for example I get sick of choosing what is for dinner ever day.

form letters, they annoy me and tend to get a try again reply.

I don't do casual, ok fantasique you are driving through Toowoomba great, I'll meet ya for coffee, if I am free, you will not be getting sex.

I do not share well, he must be willing to be faithful and locked in chastity when he is not with me. (yes I have trust issues and I know it)

he must be able to read and actually do it (so many dont bother to read my profile)

hmmmmmmm more reasons there then I though

oh well as one boy msg'd me I am too picky

I don't think you're too picky, you know what you want, also you have to consider that with SM you show a side of yourself very intimate and deep, you don't want to show or share it with anybody, only people who you deem worth seeing it! Just my opinion.

(in reply to MiladyAngelique)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 8:50:34 AM

Posts: 7
Joined: 12/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I believe there are a lot of people who really believe the fantasy can become reality, but the fantasy is specifically THEIR fantasy, not yours. What I just said isn't a real a-ha revelation, but the reason I'm posting as a response to GoddessDustyGold's post is that I am one of those people who has a pretty good idea what I'd be getting into if I ever successfully found such a relationship. But it's been elusive for me. Sometimes it's the distance between where I am and where She is. Now, this wouldn't really be all that much of a problem if there was a belief that what was at the end of that road was something real that would be the reality of such a wonderful type of relationship, that yes, I do understand. Unfortunately, that generally doesn't seem to be communicated from the other party, as I usually get either a "well, I wish you lived closer" or my other favorite of "well, if you ever end up moving out to this area, we should...."

The problem is that femdoms are expected to be the ones to pursue, and that can't always be the case. A guy impresses the hell out of me if he works hard to keep contact going, wants to talk on the phone, etc. The worst she can say is no.

Yes, another point I agree on. I DO NOT pursue people let alone Subs, if I make clear I would like to see them again I don't want to be asked many times a day if we can meet (I've already said that!). Like in the last instance, he didn't contact me at all for 4 days (ok, I understand it was Easter weekend and all but a text would have been not that hard), I waited for 2, no contact, I assumed him no longer interested, I started my research again, then contact from me on the fourth day, very late too to arrange any meet if ever I wanted to, and wondering why I was 'weird' (read hostile). The trust has already vanished. NO way you can go back to the nice old times...

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:00:06 AM

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

My highest turndowns are for:
-- lack of any experience (masturbating to kink for 10 years doesn't count for me)
-- poor communicator
-- it's all about him/his kinks
-- female supremacy is his focus (Im more of the balanced life sort of gal)
-- no interest in me specifically (I could be replaced with any femdom in his fantasy)
-- not looking for a relationship (married, girlfriend, or just wants play)
-- out of country
-- significant age difference
Mind you, I pretty much spell all of this out in my profile, so the ones that are sending me their one liners are just going through the motions.

On the other side, I venture that guys don't pursue me for a few reasons:
-- I require experience and am clearly not for novices.
-- I am involved in the lifestyle.
-- I'm a fairly aggressive sadist.
-- I'm a BBW.

< Message edited by MisPandora -- 4/15/2007 9:05:21 AM >

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:04:24 AM

Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

TigressFL, there seem to be a fair amount of submissive males that are determined
to rain on Dominant's parades.
Instead of reading it over and over, I skimmed through it and moved on.
We are the Dominants here, I will not be told what I can expect or not expect from
disgruntled submissives.

(in reply to TigressFL)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:05:24 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I didn't respond to this thread at first, because I'm not single in the relationship sense (I have a husband) but I am in the sense that I have no sub of My own. I seem to be thinking/feeling more about the latter today, so I'll post.

I know that it is terribly hard to find what I seek. I have certian things that make it harder to find a good fit for the situation. The greatest of these is the aforementioned husband. (No, it's not a cheating type of situation. If you don't know, ask) I accept that isn't a lot of people's thing, so I know that narrows the availability pool somewhat. Location is another huge hurdle for Me, as I do want someone at least reasonably local. Toss in the character qualities, fettish list, and personality factors I'd like to have (not all written in stone... some things like respect are) and there are times that I feel I'm looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack.

Yes, sometimes I get discouraged. Today happens to be one of those days. I did try the casual play partner thing for a bit, but that didn't seem to work either, so I'm back to square one. (Like someone else mentioned, it sucks when they don't even have the common courtesy to say good-bye. Arrgghhh) The thing is, I know I don't want to give up searching, because as hard as it might be, it's still possible to find someone who would be the right fit. Or, even a close enough fit. Until then, I'll be expressing this part of Myself here and keep at least My intellectual side of the lifestyle active until the right sub comes along.

Thanks for the topic, and the opportunity to rant a bit.

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:07:10 AM

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

Pixel --

Am I hearing you right in that you expect the dominant woman to forgo all of what she expects in order to accomodate other's needs? What about hers? Clearly, I've misunderstood what you're trying to say.....

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to pixelslave)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:07:41 AM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

What I found when I was single was that the "submissive" men wanted things to "go back to normal" after play time and I wanted my being in charge to BE normal.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to petitedomme21)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:09:00 AM

Posts: 7
Joined: 12/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

Pixel --

Am I hearing you right in that you expect the dominant woman to forgo all of what she expects in order to accomodate other's needs? What about hers? Clearly, I've misunderstood what you're trying to say.....

I think he was saying to compromise on something, not all, which I agree with. Sorry if I am wrong.

(in reply to MisPandora)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:12:09 AM

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

Angelique,

Head into the collarme chat subs_for_dommes room. There are tons of guys who come in there from AUS!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to MiladyAngelique)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:19:02 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

I don't see anywhere in pixelslave's post that he suggested D's forego all of what she expects.

He said that some women can be very rigid. I can imagine that being true. He said that women looking for relationship-oriented D/s might be most successful. I wish that were true. He also said that some women have long laundry lists and perhaps some of those requirements might be excessive. I don't see this as out of line. Some specificity might help -- I'm quite curious! It might also turn into a flame war.

Seemed like a sane post to me.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to petitedomme21)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:19:05 AM

MiladyAngelique

Posts: 107
Joined: 8/11/2006
Status: offline

I used to chat in there on a reg basis but unfortuntantly most come from Sydney or Melbourne

(Sydney is 10 hours by car Melbourne is about 18 )

and I chat mostly in FemDomForum now... I am not a big fan of massive rooms... but thank you for the suggestion

(in reply to MisPandora)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:22:31 AM

MiladyAngelique

Posts: 107
Joined: 8/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitedomme21

quote:

ORIGINAL: MiladyAngelique

all my reasons have already been stated but here they are
I will not take second place in his life to anything, this includes, wife, girlfriend, job and yes not even to his mother

I am not after just a sub he needs to be able to be a partner as well, when I need him (yes confusing I know)

I do want children, dagnabit, I am 28 (this does seem to be an issue)

I want something very long term ... for some long term seems to mean 6 months

Age, sorry guys but if you are the same age as my father forget it

there is no scene where I live and I am not willing to travel 2 hours to play for 3 hours

I do not play online

if he is rude or gives me his msn addy in the first msg he tends to get ignored.

I live in Australia not quite so many subs over here and only 4 within an hour of where I live and I have been with 2 of those in the past.... plus I don't drive

I will not travel to a sub, in the long run all it does is leave me out of pocket

if I ask a question I generally expect an answer, not a trite what ever you wish... for example I get sick of choosing what is for dinner ever day.

form letters, they annoy me and tend to get a try again reply.

I don't do casual, ok fantasique you are driving through Toowoomba great, I'll meet ya for coffee, if I am free, you will not be getting sex.

I do not share well, he must be willing to be faithful and locked in chastity when he is not with me. (yes I have trust issues and I know it)

he must be able to read and actually do it (so many dont bother to read my profile)

hmmmmmmm more reasons there then I though

oh well as one boy msg'd me I am too picky

I don't think you're too picky, you know what you want, also you have to consider that with SM you show a side of yourself very intimate and deep, you don't want to show or share it with anybody, only people who you deem worth seeing it! Just my opinion.

you have pretty much hit the nail on the head. On here I can be open and free but I live in a fairly restrictive town, and I have a moral clause for work, so this side of me doesn't get too much of a public airing unfortunately.

I would love to have someone I could share the real me with **sigh**

**goes and hugs the cat**

(in reply to petitedomme21)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:25:46 AM

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

I don't see anywhere in pixelslave's post that he suggested D's forego all of what she expects.

He said that some women can be very rigid. I can imagine that being true. He said that women looking for relationship-oriented D/s might be most successful. I wish that were true. He also said that some women have long laundry lists and perhaps some of those requirements might be excessive. I don't see this as out of line. Some specificity might help -- I'm quite curious! It might also turn into a flame war.

Seemed like a sane post to me.

MSS

While I hear that, read these responses. They're not "well he missed the boat by my one little qualification and I couldn't do it." No. They're missing the boat by a week or more. That's not an incongruency with her high expectations as I see it.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:36:36 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

But those posts weren't describing pixelslave specifically, and so I don't think we can legitimately heap our frustrations on him.

The way I read his post, he wasn't suggesting that a person change their core needs. I'm not willing to be pissed off at him because he's had the temerity to show up, express himself and suggest that a D might be willing to be flexible on some small things. I really dislike laundry lists. Maybe that's why I resonated with his post.

I'd rather save my ire (and it's there!) for men who send one liners, who can't bloody spell, and who are wankers.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to MisPandora)

RE: Single Femdoms - what was lacking? - 4/15/2007 9:46:52 AM

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

But those posts weren't describing pixelslave specifically, and so I don't think we can legitimately heap our frustrations on him.

The way I read his post, he wasn't suggesting that a person change their core needs. I'm not willing to be pissed off at him because he's had the temerity to show up, express himself and suggest that a D might be willing to be flexible on some small things. I really dislike laundry lists. Maybe that's why I resonated with his post.

I'd rather save my ire (and it's there!) for men who send one liners, who can't bloody spell, and who are wankers.

MSS

Perhaps you read something into what I wrote that wasn't there. There was no ire there at all; just asking for clarification on what he said and why it was said in the context of this thread, given what's been said thus far.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)

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