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" Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 2:19:14 AM

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On more then one occasion in my journey of exploring my submission I have been advised that I need to "test drive" different Doms so as to find out what it is that I want in a Dom. While I can understand and appreciate this concept, I am having a hard time with it. I find it very hard to truely submit on casual basis or even with those who I have established a strong friendship with. Also I feel guilty and cheap in doing this. Even if it is just on-line let alone in r/t.

So I guess my question is how do I gain experiance, how do I learn what I like and don't like both in play and on the mental side of things, the day to day side of things with out feeling negative about doing it. How do I figure out just how much controle I can and want to give up with out actually experianceing it.

Early on in my explorations a very wise person who I respect very much told me "cheaply given, cheaply valued". This has really stuck with me along with my whole "good girl" vs "bad girl" complex. I tend to feel that in submitting to diferent Doms in order to gain experiance makes me cheap.

I know I am not stating myself very clearly here it is very hard for me to put my thoughts into the written word. But hopefully I have made myself clear enough for everyone to understand. I very much look forward to hearing everyones thoughts and opinions and advise.

aurora

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 2:34:13 AM

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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It's a serious subject and as much as I agree with you lass, there is a converse side too. Perhaps nre Doms need to Test Drive subs to see what they really want.

Perhaps what is needed is the sub/Dom preschool and staffed by experienced subs and Doms/Dommes

quote:

Iron Bear's Used Dom / Domme, sub / slave and Kaiila Yard

We stock the very best of used Doms, Dommes, submissives and Kaiila. All models come with a free Butt Plug.

Dirt cheap prices and plent of models available for test driving / riding.

Disclaimer
We accept no responsibilities for, or make any claim that Doms, Dommies and slaves have all parts in good working order.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 2:49:31 AM

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From: Indiana
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I guess first reaction would be that it's probably no more "slutty" to test drive a Dom than it is for Dom/mes to test drive submissives, but I'm not so sure the advice is in your best interest. Aside from the apparent dangers of submitting to someone you don't truely know and trust with your life, it seems a little too much like driving a make/model of car you are pretty sure isn't what you really want. D/s relationships are based on some of the same ingredients that nilla relationships are and then some. If you want to "test" a style, perhaps just be an observer at a play party and see what activities and Dominant qualities might be of interest, versus narrowing down on actual Dominants. Once you have your interests narrowed down, then finding someone who is compatible with you, personally and in style, as well as someone who also shares the same interests will be the ultimate challenge. I think sometimes too much focus is put on trying to match up with "kink" qualities and not enough on the good old compatibility aspects of a relationship, simply because it's D/s. Just because someone is an outstanding "Top", doesn't mean that when you get them out of that play environment they are a great person as well. It's easier to grow and become comfortable with that "great" personality, then it is to try to adapt to someone who isn't necessarily a good fit for you, just because they scene well. Perhaps test driving from a distance might be a better thought.

As usual....just my opinion, nothing more, nothing less.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 2:54:02 AM

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aurora31
On more then one occasion in my journey of exploring my submission I have been advised that I need to "test drive" different Doms so as to find out what it is that I want in a Dom.

Whilst those who gave that advice probably did so with the best of intentions I personaly think they are full of....Misconceptions. The main one being, assuming they ment to give the impression of there being "One true way", that what works for them is necessaraly going to work for another.

quote:

While I can understand and appreciate this concept, I am having a hard time with it. I find it very hard to truely submit on casual basis or even with those who I have established a strong friendship with. Also I feel guilty and cheap in doing this. Even if it is just on-line let alone in r/t.

And it certainly doesn't look like it works for you. So don't use that approach!
From my own standpoint I can see that maybe working for a swinger who is looking to find what style of Top she enjoys for kink play, but I don't see it working for finding a Dom/Master for a D/s relationship.

Bottom line, it is a relationship, the biggest factor in wether it works or not is going to be the chemistry between the people involved and it doesn't matter how many times you've 'test driven' others that chemistry is going to be there or it isn't.

quote:

So I guess my question is how do I gain experiance, how do I learn what I like and don't like both in play and on the mental side of things, the day to day side of things with out feeling negative about doing it. How do I figure out just how much controle I can and want to give up with out actually experianceing it.

Firstly, read, read, read, learn as much as you can about how others make it work and run that through your mind to see if you feel it would work for you. Work out who you are and what you want but realise that once you start putting things into practice then a good deal of it will turn out to be not set in stone. Things you might feel will be difficult won't be and other things that seem appealing in fantasy will be quite diffrent when you encounter the reality. But it will give you a good start point, something to mold and build on.

At some point though you are going to have to take a calculated risk, you sort of have an idea of what you probably want.... the more unsure you are about it then likely the more understanding a Dom you are going to need in order to take things at a pace you are going to be comfortable with.

There are no guarentees, the one you find might well be the ideal Master for you.... he might not be but that will ALWAYS hold true, that is simply life. But that doesn't mean you have to go through it just test driving, if what you are looking for is long term and serious then aim to find long term and serious. If you never reach for it because you are looking for a guarentee then you ain't never going to find it.

Just IMO, I don't DO the "one true way" crap

HTH

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 3:06:53 AM

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Aurora let me ask you this . . . who are you?

The way I see it is if You want a BMW you don't test drive an Escort.
Sure the escort might be affordable and provide the transportation
you need, but the handling and ride that feels right sure isn't going
to be there. I've gotta agree with you, Cheap is cheap. (yup
Bear this applies to Dom/Masters too) But being a realist I understand
that there is going to be few BMW's I can afford and of those that I
can some are just going to need too much work. This is where knowing
who you are comes in . . once you know that it's easier to cull the herd.

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 3:16:13 AM

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aurora,

You have already heard from two voices that I respect, my beloved IB and the always straightforward and frequently humorous Raven <gives Raven a wink and blows him a kiss>. I would still have my say, however...to offer a woman's point of view.

Perhaps test drive was not meant so literally, although I have heard the term used before. I would strongly heed Raven's advice and read, read, read...then when you think you have some idea what you want...ask questions of everyone you can find who's opinion you value. The reading will help that part a great deal.

Then find a mentor among the small group of people who seem to share your values and ideals. When you spend time with a Dom and it goes exactly right or exactly horrible or you did not like the way this turned out, or you wish there had been more of that...,take the questions to your mentor. Who will help you sort out your just submitted for the first time confusion, and then he or she will send you back to your Dom with the questions or advise you to tuck tail and run.

Remember submission is much more than kneeling naked...when you have begun to learn that deep in your heart, then you have begun your journey.

Be well

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 3:19:59 AM

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aurora31

On more then one occasion in my journey of exploring my submission I have been advised that I need to "test drive" different Doms so as to find out what it is that I want in a Dom. While I can understand and appreciate this concept, I am having a hard time with it. I find it very hard to truely submit on casual basis or even with those who I have established a strong friendship with. Also I feel guilty and cheap in doing this. Even if it is just on-line let alone in r/t.

So I guess my question is how do I gain experiance, how do I learn what I like and don't like both in play and on the mental side of things, the day to day side of things with out feeling negative about doing it. How do I figure out just how much controle I can and want to give up with out actually experianceing it.

Early on in my explorations a very wise person who I respect very much told me "cheaply given, cheaply valued". This has really stuck with me along with my whole "good girl" vs "bad girl" complex. I tend to feel that in submitting to diferent Doms in order to gain experiance makes me cheap.

I know I am not stating myself very clearly here it is very hard for me to put my thoughts into the written word. But hopefully I have made myself clear enough for everyone to understand. I very much look forward to hearing everyones thoughts and opinions and advise.

aurora

You have been given some sound advice here aurora. The reality is IMO; you need to do two things:

You need to define what you want in a Dominant.
You need to take time looking for a Dominant who has those aspects which you look for.

All this takes time and remember that your requirements will change in time, Please don’t jump at the first collar offered by some one who sorta, couldbe, maybe. Take the time to meet people and get known…..

quote:

Iron Bear's Used Dom / Domme, sub / slave and Kaiila Yard

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 3:24:10 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz
<gives Raven a wink and blows him a kiss>.

Now that has quite brightened my morning ---,---'---{@

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Cloudz)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 3:25:43 AM

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Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Now I supose you'll want one from me too ehhhhh Ohh the tangle of beards.......

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 3:29:25 AM

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Now I supose you'll want one from me too ehhhhh Ohh the tangle of beards.......

Not with that much fosters on your breath old friend

And there would be too much chance of beard friction causing spontanious combustion!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to IronBear)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 4:14:37 AM

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From: Pennsylvania
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I hate kissing frogs. But let's face it, the princes are few and far between. I like what Quivver said. And the only way to wrap yourself around this is to 1) be patient, 2) clearly define what you are looking for and don't stray from the important things on your list.

Good luck.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to RavenMuse)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 4:34:33 AM

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deleted

< Message edited by chercher -- 3/4/2006 4:35:13 AM >

(in reply to IronBear)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 4:36:57 AM

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Joined: 8/18/2005
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Thank you all for the advice so far. Many of the things being suggested I have done. I read read read everything I can get my hands on. I have been here on the boards for sometime now occasionally throwing my 2 cents in but mostly just watching and learning. I also participate in a weekly discussion group.

I have a pretty good idea of what I think I want but as RavenMuse has stated I know that it is not set in stone and things I think I want I will hate and things I think I will hate I will crave. I am a very hands on type of person I need to experiance things first hand and on more then one occasion to know if it is truely right for me.

ScooterTrash I like your idea of observing others and this is something I will be working on. There is not any local scene here that I kind find...while I can find links to local groups they all seam to be dead now and I get no response. Untill very recently traveling the two or three hrs to the next closest group has been impossible and at this time is still hard but I am making the effort to be able to do so, I will also be attendind BMSL this spring which should be a great opertunity to do as you suggested. I also agree that the chemistry and attraction on a nilla level has to be there that I need to share similar interests, goals, dreams, values, ect ect ect.

RavenMuse I do not suscribe to the one true way either. It is all about what works for those who are involved. Part of the reason I asked this question was that the people who have given me the advice to go out and experiance, have such verying styles. I want to become the best sub possible to contiunue to grow as I search for One (notice I did not say the One as I tryely believe there can be more then One)I am ment to serve. I am very much still trying to figure out the best way to do this.

Quivver Who am I? That is a good question and is something I am constantly asking myself and the answer is forever changing as I grow and learn. I love your model analogy. I agree I would never test drive a escort if it was a BMW I was looking for. Or even better a compact if I were looking for a sport uttility...lol. As for the mentor that is something I have been looking for some time now with out much luck. So I come here to the boards where I have come to respect many of the posters points a veiws and see how successful there respective relationships are. All very different but all have core values ans aspects that I believe I want in a D/s or M/s relationship.

IronBear thanks for the great laugh. As for jumping at the first collar offered no way no how. I feel very strongly that before I accept a collar I need to know that person r/t for at least six months to a year.

Again thank you all for the advice and words of encouragement so far. I look forward to hearing more.

aurora

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:03:05 AM

PenelopePitstop

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From: UK
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I can see why test-driving might be deemed necessary, but how many people in real life do we test-drive?

I think one's best bet is to make friends and exercise patience, from my newbie stance here, patience and 'going with the flow' is one of the more valuable commodities in this lifestyle.

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:07:46 AM

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You seem to have a sound head on your shoulders petal, I'm sure you will find someone who is right for you. I've had many people who have been right for me, for a time and we've grown in diffrent directions. We learn more about our selves each time. That isn't test driving, just life and I'm back out looking for the right girl to fill my collar once more.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll make some Master as happy as he will hopefully make you.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:11:15 AM

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Many already do this. It's called a collar of consideration *runs and ducks*

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

It's a serious subject and as much as I agree with you lass, there is a converse side too. Perhaps nre Doms need to Test Drive subs to see what they really want.

(in reply to IronBear)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:12:26 AM

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Most people call it "dating."

quote:

ORIGINAL: PenelopePitstop
I can see why test-driving might be deemed necessary, but how many people in real life do we test-drive?

(in reply to PenelopePitstop)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:21:03 AM

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While I think mentors can be valuable (assuming they're not just trying to get into your pants, which is what many call 'mentorship' unfortunately) wouldn't/shouldn't one discuss this kind of thing with the Dom in question rather than going to a mentor first? If one is trying to develop a relationship I'm not sure how running to someone else FIRST is a good idea. If I were the other half in a relationship like this I'd see this as a basic incompatibility in communication styles at best and immaturity at worst (ie inability to communicate directly with me without getting direction elsewhere first).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

When find a mentor among the small group of people who seem to share your values and ideals. When you spend time with a Dom and it goes exactly right or exactly horrible or you did not like the way this turned out, or you wish there had been more of that...,take the questions to your mentor. Who will help you sort out your just submitted for the first time confusion, and then he or she will send you back to your Dom with the questions or advise you to tuck tail and run.

(in reply to Cloudz)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:32:15 AM

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aurora, I know you said that the local scene in your area is virtually non-existent but one of the things I've learned over the last few years is that the more I get out and talk to people, observe people, play and just try to generally enjoy myself the more I realize that finding a D/s relationship is no different than finding a vanilla relationship. It all boils down to basic compatibility. The rest is window dressing. Every Dom/me has their own style as does every sub! There are certain styles of dominance that resonate with me and others that leave me cold. No doubt my style of submission will be appealing to some and not to others. Like you I'm a hands on type. Reading is valuable for me up to a point, but after that point I need to actually experience it to see if it's a good fit. I'm reminded of a saying - all the mind's work is easy until it is subjected to reality. As you said some things that we think might appeal in reality don't and vice versa. Where the rubber meets the road is where you find out for sure what's a good fit for you. Despite my somewhat flippant responses above I do think it's a good idea to date, just like in any other relationship. For some reason that seems to have gone out of fashion and I'm not sure why.

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 6:17:08 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Now I supose you'll want one from me too ehhhhh Ohh the tangle of beards.......

...Musing over the thought of tangled beards...Foster's...darts...spontaneous combustion...Oh...shoot! I just remembered you are both Doms...Pulling my head out of a lovely fantasy <grin>.

aurora...just the fact that you question it tells me that you will survive the experience and with a bit of luck, find exactly what you didn't even know you were looking for. Sweet Serendipity (Happy Accident) is always the best.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to IronBear)

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