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ORIGINAL: domiguy

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ORIGINAL: lally2

i was an ugly duckling. in my late teens i 'blossomed'

Did you know that "Blossom" is Jeffff's nickname?

Did I mention that he is simply breathtaking?

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ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I've always made a joke that my sister is the one men want to marry and I'm the one they want to fuck.

But it's a defensive joke. I've been incredibly fit and then very overweight and am now somewhere in between and it's never made much difference to the sexual attraction that men have for me. I am a very physical person and have always loved sex and somehow that seems to show through and men are attracted to that and don't seem to look past it to the person and what else I may have to offer.

I've always had to deal with friends boyfriends or husbands trying to start something on the side with me. What I have a hard time understanding is that I'm not beautiful, my friends are often much more so, but that doesn't seem to make a difference.

I'm 50 years old now and still have 20 to 70 year old men that try to get together but in most cases it's just about the sex and my own defencivness has made it worse, as I'm inclined to be the first to walk away rather then wait for them to do so. I've probably blown a few potentially good relationships because of this and it's something I'm trying to work on.

I have the issue with weight also but for a different reason. Keeping the extra lbs gives me a reason why a man may not want anything but the sex... and I can blame it on the weight if they leave afterwards...if I lose the weight then I don't have anything to blame it on except that they didn't want me.

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ORIGINAL: Aynne88

I have always gone out of my way since high school to be sexually attractive once I figured out being hot was far more beneficial than not. I have never been sexually abused though so I don't have any of those issues to contend with.

I live in stilettos, I'm 6' in them, I love form fitting clothes and attracting male attention. It only has positive connotations to me, and I work to stay that way. Gym, diet, botox, manicures, whatever. He wants it, he pays for it, and I'm not so naive to think there aren't 50 women behind me that would love a successful generous man like mine, so whatever it takes to stay that way I'll gladly do. If that seems shallow, I'm ok with that. If other women get insecure around me, I certainly don't intend to make them feel that way, but I'd take that over the alternative anytime.

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ORIGINAL: Rule

Reclaim your power. Be beautiful and attractive.

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ORIGINAL: lally2

i was an ugly duckling. in my late teens i 'blossomed' and found the attention i got from men very disturbing.  i hated how they looked at me, whistled.  id walk into a room and all the women in there would hate me on sight and all the time i thought i was still that ugly duckling.  i remember once walking through londons soho and a woman walked up to me and made a slashing action across my face as if she had a knife in her hand.  i was with my mum at the time and she said 'she's jealous' i remember thinking 'jealous of what'.  being attractive actually isnt always that much fun, it puts huge pressure on you when they stare, its invasive.  it took me a long time to get comfortable with myself and i wish i knew then what i know now......,

that how you look isnt a measure of who you are and if people stare then let them, theyre not getting a piece of you and youre still autonamous and the person you are.  put those heels and makup on for you, noone else.  walk tall and be proud that youre a sensual, sexy woman.  being sexually attractive doesnt mean you have to put out, you can create a bubble of good feeling around youreself and enjoy the day - if men look then you can be sure theyre looking at other women too, it isnt personal at all.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't have a history of abuse, but like lally I was an ugly duckling. I have never been comfortable with the way men change how they see you based on your body. Things like the pharmacist suddenly eying me after I lost weight and bought more form fitting clothes. People I'd known as friends suddenly changing how they look at me.

However it helped when I put the onus on them. Instead of sabotaging yourself can you view them differently? Make a mantra to repeat when this happens? Something like "shallow asshole, if they couldn't see my value before they aren't going to get the chance now". Not the usual mantra, true, but more empowering.

Because when this happens you need to change your view of them as less worthy because they were too blind to see your worth before. And that is the truth.

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ORIGINAL: newbie2750

I was not abused as a child, but I work for several months to a year at a time in a very physical, all-male environment. Sexual harassment is a regular part of the job, along with occasional attempts at worse. As a result, I have always tried to 'dress down', blend into the background and hide, because it seems like every time someone remembers that I'm female, I find myself having to defend myself again.

I am lucky in that my job often involves a lot of physical work, so I am not overweight, but I do know where you're coming from: I am confident in myself until a man notices me as a woman rather than a colleague, then I come close to panic and try to get as far away as possible. It is not an unreasonable response while I'm at work, but it carries over into the rest of my life.

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ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss



And if you have ever had to deal with the issue that i am raising how did you come to terms with it?

Every suggestion that I have listed below is something I've done. I'm not done with this issue, in fact I'm sure I will never be done with it. You see, it is a wonderful safety mechanism that saved my life on more than one occasion. I honor it, I hold it in favor because of that. But like anything that *was* helpful and has become *not* helpful, I have to break those old habits over and over again. It gets easier. But just as I have to *manage* my asthma, so too do I have to *manage* my body image issues.
 

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It may come down to, i just need to go back to a counselor to deal with this issues, however i am looking for any way to start to mentally deal with it.

I would like to suggest something else to you. (And yes, I am a big believer in therapy). However, with women who've been abused I find that there are other things equally as important. I suggest you take a self defense class - like a model mugging - that makes you fight. You actually hit the person. It can be a powerful lesson. Also, some sort of body awareness workshop or exercise like Dancing the 5 Rhythms or yoga. A weekend workshop space like The Kripalu Center or Omega Institute often have some pretty good workshops that might resonate for you. Finally, I became a nude model. Artists see bodies completely differently1

The problem with therapy, talk therapy, is that it doesn't get to the muscle memory. I believe that a strong shake of that part of one's memory can have amazing results in a fairly short time that years of therapy can need. (I am a big believer in talk therapy, too... I'm suggesting the kinesthetic kind of therapy in addition to behavioral / psychological).

Thank you in advance for your replies,

You're welcome. And just for the record, Hejira is one of those women that I forget is a looker because she is so beautiful.

best of luck in this,
sunshine

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ORIGINAL: antinomy

My mom did a number on me psychologically when I was growing up; the female body was a badddd thing that, if seen, MADE men lose control.  She had the mentality that most rape victims were to blame for their attacks (no, folks, I DON'T believe this, just relevant to my own body issues and the question that was posed).  I was not allowed to go to a public beach as a child, for fear that my scantily clad, bathing suit covered, prepubescent body might tempt some poor guy into pedophilia.  Yeah...mom was a gem *lol*.  Now, I suspect she was molested, and blamed herself...and it messed with her head, and in turn, mine.  

I was a skinny little kid.  As soon as I started to develop, I started packing on the pounds.  It took me DECADES to figure out that the fat was my armor.  It was camouflage, and made me feel safe.  It was BS, of course, since weight does not make one immune to abuse; but, it did reduce the amount of attention I got from guys- and, without even knowing it, it seems that was my goal.

After years of failed diets (after all, I sabotaged my efforts, because I never REALLY wanted to lose the weight, as it would make me vulnerable), when I FINALLY figured this all out, the pounds were easy to shed.  To make a long story short, it took me a long time to accept, and be comfortable with, being sexually attractive. 

At first, when a guy would find me attractive, I would feel both fear AND guilt.  *L*  It was gawd awful.  But, time, understanding, and being able to forgive my mom (after all, her heart was in the right place, even if she was a wee bit bonkers) got me to a relatively healthy place.   It's not easy, and even now, once in a while, I get a twinge of those old feelings- but, for the most part, I LIKE who I am, how I look, and the response it elicits.

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ORIGINAL: divi

I love being sexually attractive.  I've always been cute and well .. modest lol