porcelaine
Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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Greetings heartfeltsub,
quote:
Are you comfortable with being considered sexually attractive? If you have lived through sexual abuse, do you struggle with that same issue of not wanting to be attractive or even if you haven't had to deal with being sexually abused, do you struggle with being considered attractive? And if you have ever had to deal with the issue that i am raising how did you come to terms with it?
I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt. I've encountered others that dealt with similar issues. Do understand that weight is merely one way of shielding and other methods are undertaken, all with the same purpose. I'm happy to admit that most have ceased doing so and have found a place of joy and inner peace. They've also found good partners that are accepting and supportive, two elements that were woefully absent in their lives. So hope exists.
In terms of sexual or physical attraction, I believe it's important to formulate your own opinions and be cognizant that others will agree or feel differently and it is their right to do so. What I'm unwilling to do is to exchange their ideas for my own, to the degree where I begin to view myself in a negative context. Constructive criticism with the intent to benefit is a different apple, one that I readily receive. But I have limitations and a filter that wasn't always in place, but is firmly in existence at present.
I'm comfortable because I view myself in my entirety, not seeing the glass half empty or full, or suffering from overinflated or exceedingly negative ideas. I simply see things as they are and I know what's good and what needs improvement. That wasn't always the case, and I've been guilty of questioning and having ridiculous ideas that I needed to refute. I don't believe it was something anyone else could do for me, I had to do it on my own, but it took time and a maelstrom of uncertainty and rebellion to bring it about. I finally reached my breaking point and stared in disgust at how far I'd strayed from the path I promised to adhere to.
But I didn't bother wallowing, instead I tackled the nonsense in my head and went after its root. Knowing where the ideas came from, why some persisted and others did not was important. Sometimes they were internally contrived, and in other cases I allowed outsiders to hoist their beliefs upon me. I chose to digest it because something within me believed what was uttered, otherwise I'd have behaved differently.
So now I have mirror moments. Idle times when I stand in silence and look at the person staring back at me. I'm learning to appreciate her and to temper the inclination to see what's amiss with the necessity to recognize what is rightfully present. I'll confess I have days when I'm apt to say bleh, but they aren't commonplace. I've confided with a close friend and we discuss the gains I have made, but aside from her it isn't something I share with anyone else. When I did I received strange looks and probing questions that left me feeling poked, prodded, and ashamed. I don't carry those feelings anymore.
It's okay to have doubts and to have areas that I wish to improve. But shame, disdain, or skewed interpretations of the person greeting me each day are no longer welcome inhabitants. I accept compliments with grace. I don't question them or have second thoughts. Nor do I believe I must avail myself to anyone that feels an attraction that is not reciprocated. I think I'm finding some middle ground in all of this, but it's been a long time coming.
As for the transformation that's begun and continues to unfold, I'm not afraid. The unknown is okay and I bear no ill will towards those that would find me more attractive in a changed state than they would in my former guise. I think that's natural and indicative of personal preference. I don't believe they should be set aside unless the admirer desires to do so.
Although the fear is real, it serves a dual purpose for maintaining the status quo. As long as it cripples your steps, the deed remains half done. In my opinion it isn't a matter of finishing what one starts, but freeing yourself from the unhealthy binds that restrict your wings. I wish you luck.
In Leather and Light,
~porcelaine
_____________________________
His will; my fate.
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