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RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/3/2010 1:20:48 PM

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Joined: 3/26/2010
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quote:

What I have learned over the years is that coming back strong in an aggressive way isn't always the best policy. You might be surprised to learn that I most often will *act* demure and back out graciously. I find it sometimes help to stop situations from escalating. Domination isn't about being aggressive, it's about being in control.

The problem with being in control is that in differing conditions and circumstances control is painted with a very broad brush.
I am in control of every facet of my life; I work when I chose and accept commissions to create for whom I chose. Even in submission I am in control…I’ve chosen to submit and to whom I submit to. At the gym, I am in control of the intensity and duration of my workout. In competing I am in control of the passion I put into winning. In all of life I am in control of my conducts behaviors and even my thoughts. As a man of submissive could I be less?

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/3/2010 3:43:20 PM

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quote:

Are you comfortable with being considered sexually attractive?

yes

quote:

If you have lived through sexual abuse, do you struggle with that same issue of not wanting to be attractive or even if you haven't had to deal with being sexually abused, do you struggle with being considered attractive?

this slave wasn't sexually abused as a child. she was bullied and picked on to the point of physical violence at the schoolyard over her "looks"...until her peers hit puberty...then she became the exclusive outcast amongst the females...and, all of a sudden, at the same time, incredibly attractive to the males.

the level of intrusion by those who find themselves compelled to go out of their way to pursue this slave, based solely on her looks, has reached points in this slave's life where she has gone out of her way to dress and groom in a purposefully unattractive manner...but, no more, as Master is in charge of how this slave represents herself publicly...and He seems to like arm~candy.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/4/2010 5:47:52 AM

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On a practical level, i'd like to recommend taking self-defense classes in addition to seeing a therapist to discuss this. If you can find one that's specifically geared toward women, all the better. Taking these sorts of classes can relieve some of the fear and worry of possible negative attention.

_____________________________

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/4/2010 12:28:52 PM

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Thank you OP for this thread, and thank you to everyone who has responded - I've read some wonderful comments that got to me and I feel obligated to give something back.
This is going to be difficult for me to write and some of it may be difficult for me to articulate, so please bear with me.

I was abused as a child, and delved into fantasy books and became an absolute tomboy until early in middle school - I wore androgynous clothes and most of my friends were boys and I rejected anything that might identify me as a girl.

When I hit puberty just before middle school I experimented with girlyness again, and was date-raped by an older boy. I went back to my jeans-and-t-shirt uniform but wore much bigger t-shirts than necessary and hid my face behind my hair and glasses. I did wear makeup, but I thought of it as war paint, as a way to change the way my face looked because I was uncomfortable with what I saw in the mirror.

Then I met a very nice boy who made it clear that he liked me (despite the geekiness and asexual appearance). I felt very comfortable with him and after dating for a while I decided I loved him and gave him my virginity. My first time wasn't a matter of choice so I decided that I still had a virginity to give, hymen or no.

After a couple times I decided I really liked sex and started fucking with a vengeance as a way to prove to myself that my sexuality was something no one could ruin for me. I made myself as attractive as possible and viewed anywhere I went as a hunting ground. My favorite hobby was sport-fucking, and I used to joke that anyone who really knew me would bring me a venus fly-trap instead of roses. I made some not-so-wonderful decisions and wasn't very choosy with partners, then met another guy I really connected with and realized how unhealthy, predatory, and angry my view of sex was.
I did a lot of 'self-searching' and it's taken some books, some time, support from friends and lots and lots of late night heartfelt conversations with some of the most amazing people in the planet but I am now in control of my sexuality (rather than it controlling me to an extent).
I don't usually feel attractive, but I know that quite a few men think I am and it's awkward to not know what to do with the attention now that I'm not exploiting it. I've always been uncomfortable with compliments but I think that's mostly still getting familiar with the balance between shy geeky girl and insatiable sex kitten. I do usually try to deflect compliments, just because I don't know what to do with them - they don't serve any appreciable purpose. I am comfortable with my body and I'm very glad I never had any issues with body dysmorphic disorder or weight loss/gain, especially after helping friends through both. Some days I do bolster confidence by reminding myself that random attractive people on the street would be thrilled if I propositioned them, or 'if I went out wearing this to get laid, there's a 99% chance it's gonna happen'. I still wear form-fitting clothes out of habit, and I do like knowing that I look good even if it's just jeans and a t-shirt. I still think of make-up as war paint, and I don't wear much but I won't leave the house without it. I still prefer to be in charge in sexual situations, though over the past couple years I've gotten much more comfortable with letting go of that control.
It is difficult to get close to people once I've started dating them because I've gotten so good at disassociating emotion from sex, but I have gotten much better at communicating and sharing my feelings - mainly by choosing much higher quality people to be with. I've been lucky to meet some wonderful people and be a lot more open about my sexuality and enjoy it instead of using it as a means to an end. I have a boyfriend who I can't say enough good things about (who loves the body I'm usually indifferent about, and lately keeps trying to get me to dress more girly) and a small, close family of friends who I also have a sexual relationship with - people I can grab lunch with and have an amazing conversation with, or text for a booty call and cuddle.
That's one of the biggest developments actually - I didn't used to cuddle. Ever. It seemed silly. Now I've decided I really like it :)

Again, thank you to everyone for posting! And, again, OP: wonderful thread, very cathartic - which I didn't know I needed today

(in reply to petmonkey)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/4/2010 12:37:38 PM

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The secret to accepting a compliment? Smile and say than you. It took me a long time to get that one down.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to switch2please)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/7/2010 9:51:05 AM

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i went the the other way being abused in many diffrant ways my hole life from 4 yrs old to being in my 30, insest, dr , rape more then once with mutipal partners at one, i turned in to a dominant protraying female i feel my power over men being attractive , men cum out of the wood work and there is rarely a man i cant poses its the ones i dont feel it from that fasinate me having this power over men is what has created my desire to find the Dom that wont let me do this a Dom that has earned my respect and desire my mind must be ingaged to truly submit i can play thre sub game with any but to truly have a desire for my Dom is hard to find. so being attractive use it to your benifit it can keep you safe with the power it gives u use it and be happy with it and just know your limits

(in reply to domiguy)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/7/2010 10:00:55 AM

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it's funny but i posted a profile without pictures just to see if the qualities of who i am as a person were what was ultimately attractive or if it was my photos. while i receive more response than i can read on my profile with pictures, i receive more quality e-mails on my profile without pictures. is it maybe in my head because i believe they like me for me and not for what they see...i don't know but it's an interesting experiment and one i suggest all "attractive" women try at least once.

(in reply to domiguy)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/7/2010 10:11:09 AM

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That actually makes a great deal of sense.

And yes. I just perved you..:)

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to curvaceousminx)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/8/2010 3:33:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Perhaps because of this, I have a HUGE aversion to dating friends and I make this very clear. I would rather start dating someone who is almost a complete stranger. That way if he's asshole, I haven't really lost anything.

This sounds like a problem. A common one, though.

I grew up thinking I'd want to be friends with a girl for at least a good 3-4 months before making a move on her. More logical than taking a shot with a stranger. Adulthood has cured me of this pretension, because the Friend Zone(tm) is a black hole of no return. But really, why should that be? I accept it as true, but I don't accept it as right.

What really bugs me is the circumstance that many female friends decide this rule is off; they're either a)in a relationship or b)I am. Otherwise sensible and moral ladies have some kind of f'd up switch turn on in their heads. I can't list the number of times I've heard "Oh man, I wish I'd gotten you when I had the chance." And yes, I've taken advantage of this in earlier times, but in my mind was "Yeah. Fuck off." For this reason, it usually didn't last very long; they'd lost their shine for me by going there, when they had all the time in the world to hook up with me beforehand.

Soo many similar elements of the female psyche piss me the hell off... it's not that they're there, really. It's that they are denied to exist. Or given trumped up and misleading justifications. I think ultimately it's women who suffer the results more than men do; we just eventually figure it out, accept it, and use it. Women have to live with it inside their heads, and can continue to be screwed over and under because they keep denying their own behavior. There really should be a training course for women on the different ways their sexual minds might work. Make their lives a lot easier.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/8/2010 3:43:51 PM

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I'm going to have to completely disagree with you. I don't think it's a problem at all. Losing friends is a problem. So far, it's worked out really well for me. I'm happily married and owned at any rate.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DMFParadox)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/8/2010 6:39:54 PM

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Well, that's a bit different. In your situation, not a problem at all.

In the broader sense, I tend to think women shoot themselves in the gams more often than not by cutting short the guys who they make friends with first. Also, there are other dynamics in play. It's common that people will use friendship as a dodge instead of being up front with the real reasons for lack of attraction; men and women both.

In other words, it's not that women don't date friends; it's that they're friends with men they won't date. If being honest about that loses someone a few friends, then frankly, there wasn't a good basis for friendship there in the first place. And if they *would* date the guy if he wasn't a friend, and they're single, and he's single, but he's in the friend zone, then, well, that's just epically retarded. Yet it happens so much! Ugh.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/8/2010 6:43:02 PM

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Also, I want to add this - I'm still friends with many past relationships. And of women friends I never had a relationship with, about 80% of them went by the wayside; moved across country, changed jobs, changed priorities, etc. There is no magic rule that says you lose a friend if you make a lover, or that you keep a friend if you don't.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to DMFParadox)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/8/2010 6:57:59 PM

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This is an interesting thread, in that a lot of strange reflective phenomena are occurring simultaneously.

(in reply to DMFParadox)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/8/2010 7:00:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Are you comfortable with being considered sexually attractive?

yes

quote:

If you have lived through sexual abuse, do you struggle with that same issue of not wanting to be attractive or even if you haven't had to deal with being sexually abused, do you struggle with being considered attractive?

this slave wasn't sexually abused as a child. she was bullied and picked on to the point of physical violence at the schoolyard over her "looks"...until her peers hit puberty...then she became the exclusive outcast amongst the females...and, all of a sudden, at the same time, incredibly attractive to the males.

the level of intrusion by those who find themselves compelled to go out of their way to pursue this slave, based solely on her looks, has reached points in this slave's life where she has gone out of her way to dress and groom in a purposefully unattractive manner...but, no more, as Master is in charge of how this slave represents herself publicly...and He seems to like arm~candy.

With all the comments on this board, one gets this weird feeling that, maybe, the 'fundamentalist' Muslim approach of 'complete coverage' isn't as barbaric as we all, from afar, automatically and categorically assume.

[insert disclaimer, blah blah blah, Christ is great]

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/9/2010 1:05:31 AM

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You know I had planned to go to Saudi Arabia. I was actually looking forward to being covered. I thought... Finally! people will see me for who I am - my wit, my intelligence, my strength instead of either that fat woman or that curvaceous bum and boobs.

Didn't make it there, but that was one thing that really tickled my fancy. Funny.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Silence8)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/9/2010 11:29:23 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

In the broader sense, I tend to think women shoot themselves in the gams more often than not by cutting short the guys who they make friends with first. Also, there are other dynamics in play. It's common that people will use friendship as a dodge instead of being up front with the real reasons for lack of attraction; men and women both.

I don't regard it as a dodge. It's much kinder to the person I'm talking to, who is usually attractive but there isn't chemistry with me, to say "I just see you as a friend and I don't like to date friends". This is completely true and simply excludes the fact that I don't find them sexually attractive. The reason I choose to avoid saying that is because I know how badly that hurt and I don't want to put them through. Particularly when, as is often the case for me, I know other women who are quite attracted to them.

quote:

In other words, it's not that women don't date friends; it's that they're friends with men they won't date. If being honest about that loses someone a few friends, then frankly, there wasn't a good basis for friendship there in the first place.

You are painting with far too wide a brush. In general yes, I'm friends with the men I don't want to date because what else would I be with them? Being honest about that doesn't lose me friends - I lose friends because I date men who are my friends who have lied to me about their intentions because they are hoping to sleep with me. By announcing and sticking to the policy that I don't date friends, fewer men try to deceive me by becoming my friend in hopes of getting access to my panties.

quote:

And if they *would* date the guy if he wasn't a friend, and they're single, and he's single, but he's in the friend zone, then, well, that's just epically retarded. Yet it happens so much! Ugh.

My apologies if I'm wrong but I sense some bitterness here and again I completely disagree you.

There are million reasons to want to or not want to date someone. I find affairs of the heart and lust are rarely logical and attempting to apply logic to them is an excerise in fulitity. If I don't want to date someone because I don't want to risk losing the friendship, that means they aren't appealing enough to me for me to run the risk of losing the friendship and potential drama. Which, to twist the popular phrase, means I'm just not that into him. Which means he should hold out for better.

quote:

Also, I want to add this - I'm still friends with many past relationships. And of women friends I never had a relationship with, about 80% of them went by the wayside; moved across country, changed jobs, changed priorities, etc. There is no magic rule that says you lose a friend if you make a lover, or that you keep a friend if you don't.

You can add that all you like. Just because you, DMFParadox, have that the good fortune to be friends with all most of the exes does mean that others will have that good luck.

I have not. I am friends with one of many exes. Whenever any of my relationships has ended, it ended because of us was being an asshole and there was never a desire to stay friends afterwards.

I, personally, hate to be around my exes because I still care for them. Even the ones that hurt me and ripped my heart to pieces. Seeing them brings back the pain and also the feeling of "Well, maybe we could make it work if we tried again... " because I'm also horribly forgiving when it comes to the people I love.

It's in my best interests, emotionally and mentally, to not try to stay friends with them as a general rule. Of course, we'll be a friendly and polite when we run into each other but that's a far cry from being someone I can call when I'm crying.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DMFParadox)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/9/2010 1:14:41 PM

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From: Pyroaquatica
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Dear Readers,

I have worn baggy clothing to hide myself as well. It was my armor (hee.... war paint).

No more of this hiding. I want to look as sexy and desirable as possible. I am Sexy and Desirable, damnit.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/9/2010 3:51:53 PM

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I generally like being attractive, and haven't tried to be unattractive. I still have a little difficulty in believing compliments that seem overblown. I don't refuse them or say anything negative about it, but I'd rather be called cute, sexy, or pretty than "the most beautiful woman in the world."

Aquaticsub, I'm still friends with all but two of my ex-boyfriends, and am on sociable terms with one since we have friends in common. I make an effort to screen new partners based partly on how they get along with their former partners - if all of them have ended as bitter enemies, I assume they'll do the same to me. One of my former boyfriends died a couple of years after I broke up with him (he's the other one who ended on badly), and it really shook me. If at all possible, I want to keep caring about anyone who I have loved, and I want to still be special to them, even if we're no longer a good match romantically.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/9/2010 3:56:19 PM >

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/9/2010 5:26:25 PM

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That's fanastic for you Andalusite. I really mean it.

But it's unreasonable to assume that just because X amount of people manage to be friends with most of their exs means that everyone can. Lots of reasons come into play and, as I stated in response, part of the reason I choose not to be around my exs is because I do still care for them very much and it's too hard for me to be around them and not with them.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 5/9/2010 5:27:25 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Andalusite)

RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 5/10/2010 7:14:07 PM

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I'm not trying to criticise you at all! It's just something that was very important to me when I was looking - more so than their BDSM or D/s orientation, height, ethnicity, and right up there with gender and kink compatibility. We all have our priorities.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

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