quote:

Thank you LA for your reply. It does take some mental processing to work through how people react. At the heart of it, is the question of will i be able to, given who i am, how submissive i am, stand up for myself if someone comes on too strongly. i think i am getting to realize that i can protect myself, or will be able to after the self-defense classes, which should be good exercise too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ishyB

To my utter amazement, these men didn't think I was ugly at all; in fact, they did everything they could to convince me they felt contrary to that. They told me I was pretty, gorgeous, fabulous... and for the first time in my life, I felt accepted.


Because of all this, I still have a very weird relationship with my self-image. I don't believe anybody when they tell me I'm attractive. In fact, it most often makes me feel hostile and distrustful towards them, because OBVIOUSLY they are only saying it because they want something from me.

At the same time, I've learned to accept that I am generally considered to be attractive by a lot of people, and I rationally know that if somebody says something to that effect, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are trying to take advantage of me.

I also still have a very hard time seeing myself as being attractive. It's sorta like what I once read about anorexia patients: when they stand in front of the mirror, they literally don't see how skinny they are. Well with me, when I stand in front of the mirror, I literally still don't see any curves. I still see a boyish stick figure, too tall, too square, and not feminine at all.
I rationally know that isn't true, but I just have a really hard time seeing it.

So I hide my own insecurities about my looks as well, but in a totally different way than what's previously been described on this thread.
I hide behind being overtly sexual, and slutty, because I've become to expect that that's the only way men will find value in me. At the same time, I feel as if I'm able to be in control by being overtly sexual. If I can MAKE them want me, I can control them. This all has resulted in me often dressing very feminine, and very sexual, and behaving the same way, regardless of the negative consequences that sometimes has on the way people relate to me and perceive me, because I feel that if I purposely choose to make to dress in a certain way and make them feel about me a certain way, I'm really the one in control of the way they perceive me.

In the most recent years, I've found more of a balance on the way I perceive myself, and the way I feel comfortable with others perceiving me, but my self-image is still not very accurate, and I still struggle a lot with the attention, or the lack of attention people give to me based on how I look. I still often feel very ugly, and I still often use my sexuality as a weapon, and I still have a hard time dealing with any kind of comment made about my appearance, by anybody.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn

I always had that thought of "OMG, this guy actually wants me. I shouldn't say no, because no other guy will ever want me, so I don't want to miss out on one of my ONLY CHANCES to get attention!" So often I would go along with it even if I didn't really want to. I'm MUCH better about that now, and I know there will always be people who find me attractive, on my own terms.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

~FR

For those that have written that you've used your sexual attractiveness in a manipulating way, how do you reconcile that with a fear of it, or a fear of the reactions your sexual attractiveness might cause?

Is this off topic?

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

For those that have written that you've used your sexual attractiveness in a manipulating way, how do you reconcile that with a fear of it, or a fear of the reactions your sexual attractiveness might cause?

quote:

ORIGINAL: ishyB

I don't really reconcile it at all, which is why I still consider my sexuality to be fucked up...
[snip]
That doesn't mean that I still don't feel uncomfortable or shy about the whole thing though, it's just that I push past my shyness and put up a shield of confidence to try to gain from the situation.
I don't really feel confident in those situations though, it's more a "fake it till you make it" kind of feeling.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn

Ishy: Your post touched me in a lot of ways as well. I see a lot of myself in your post. A lot of things that coincide with the way I used to be, used to act.

Heartfelt, the disorder you are referring to with anorexia patients is Body Dysmorphic Disorder, where they see their body in a distorted way.

I'm getting better at saying no to people, too. I used to panic when a guy came onto me, because I always had that thought of "OMG, this guy actually wants me. I shouldn't say no, because no other guy will ever want me, so I don't want to miss out on one of my ONLY CHANCES to get attention!" So often I would go along with it even if I didn't really want to. I'm MUCH better about that now, and I know there will always be people who find me attractive, on my own terms.

I'm... a very complicated person a lot of the time. Sigh...

quote:

ORIGINAL: ishyB

My saving grace these days is that, while I have a hard time turning down a direct offer for sex, I've become very good at absolutely ignoring subtle hints, flirting, or not vocalized cues that offer sex. I can flirt, and play with, and tease a guy and turn down all his advances without much trouble... until he literally tells me something like: "take off your clothes" or "suck my cock" and then, I have a very hard time not simple obeying him... even if he is a stranger (while I'm usually not very submissive towards strangers at all...)
So I basically just make sure that I don't put myself in a context where a guy can give me such an order by staying in public settings with him, and that's the way I keep myself from feeling obligated into unwanted sexual encounters.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

HFS... Part of your discomfort in being sexually attractive seems to come from a fear of being abused again. The fact is that a womsn who is "confidently sexually attractive" is rarely a victim of abuse or rape, when it does happen it's more about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The lowlife dirtbag scum of the earth that do need to take something violently are looking for those that show insecurity, or a victim attitude. Your discomfort and insecurity in being sexually attractive is much more likely to bring about the things you fear then embracing your sexuality and finding power in it ever will.

quote:

ORIGINAL: beltainefaerie

I had several inappropriate things happen to me as a child.  I was always really sexual and I wanted the inappropriate attention as much as it scared me, which also makes things interesting to process/deal with.  I have been "normal" weight and overweight.  I have tried to hide in oversized clothes and I have dressed like a slut, no matter where I was in my weight gain/loss.  I put on weight as a combination of finding comfort in food (and actually loving to eat) and creating a kind of cushioned "armor" against myself and the world.  I have always known that I loved sex and could be a tremendous slut if I let that part out.  Being fat helped me control that.  I also knew that I wanted whoever was with me to love me more for me than my body and at whatever size I am.  I have found people like that.  Now I am in a more stable place, have been married for almost a decade and am able to be an ethical and appropriate slut, so my "armor" is less important to my self-preservation.

I have been losing weight and it is still scary.  I get more attention and compliments than I know how to deal with and I am confused by praise.  I guess the most important part is that my partners are supportive of my emotional needs and of the weight loss.  It is helpful to me to know that other people went through this or are dealing with similar issues.  I also know that if I don't deal with the issues that made me gain weight/hide, I will just gain it back again. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: ishyB

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn

I always had that thought of "OMG, this guy actually wants me. I shouldn't say no, because no other guy will ever want me, so I don't want to miss out on one of my ONLY CHANCES to get attention!" So often I would go along with it even if I didn't really want to. I'm MUCH better about that now, and I know there will always be people who find me attractive, on my own terms.

I was the same way for years.
If a guy found me attractive, I almost, felt obligated to sleep with him. Like I owed it to him because he found me attractive or something.
At the same time, I often didn't want to, but just found myself unable for some reason to say "no" and stand up for myself.
I can't count the times when I felt "trapped" with a man, and basically just let him do whatever he wanted with me, just hoping that it would be over fast.

I was the absolute opposite of all the date rape stories you hear of a girl and a guy flirting and finally having sex. The girl changing her mind and telling the guy "no" and him fucking her anyways because he felt that her body language told him "yes" and thus "no" clearly didn't mean "no" in this case (in his opinion.)

In my case, I never clearly told the guy "no"... not that I told him "yes" either; I was basically mostly very evasive about the whole thing. But at the same time, my whole body language screamed "NO, I don't want this!" something the guys all happily ignored because I never clearly vocalized my objections.
I still to this day have trouble rejecting an offer for sex. Although I've become better at saying "no" to strangers, I still have a hard time turning down people I'm very familiar with, and am absolutely unable to turn my partner down (which, seeing that I identify as a slave in my personal relationship, isn't really a problem at all.)

My saving grace these days is that, while I have a hard time turning down a direct offer for sex, I've become very good at absolutely ignoring subtle hints, flirting, or not vocalized cues that offer sex. I can flirt, and play with, and tease a guy and turn down all his advances without much trouble... until he literally tells me something like: "take off your clothes" or "suck my cock" and then, I have a very hard time not simple obeying him... even if he is a stranger (while I'm usually not very submissive towards strangers at all...)
So I basically just make sure that I don't put myself in a context where a guy can give me such an order by staying in public settings with him, and that's the way I keep myself from feeling obligated into unwanted sexual encounters.

My whole sexuality is really fucked up sometimes...

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

~FR

For those that have written that you've used your sexual attractiveness in a manipulating way, how do you reconcile that with a fear of it, or a fear of the reactions your sexual attractiveness might cause?

Is this off topic?