RaceBannon
Posts: 61
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline
|
The following was posted to another site, written by me but added to by many. It is merely a guide, not a set of rules for new submissives that are seeking mates online, or even out in the real world. It is not meant to offend, or be guidelines written in stone. For every suggestion there is exception, no two doms or subs are alike. It's simply a document to help those women who like many find the online BDSM site search frustrating or dangerous.
Finding a man is no easy task for you submissive ladies. Even though men far outnumber the women on kink sites, one only has to look at the numbers of unattached women and their similar complaints in postings and profiles to know it is the submissives who make up the vast majority (sorry about that, but it's true).
The Internet has enabled the kink world to explode into the mainstream and greater acceptance, but it has also brought a most dangerous aspect to personal communication: anonymity. Many men (and men posing as women) are not all they say they are. Many men claiming to be dominant on kink sites do not dominate their own lives and thus have no business dominating you in life or in passion.
In fact, the far easier exercise is finding out who is NOT dominant. From reading posts and profiles it seems many women, particularly the newcomers, do not understand the red flags signaling, “Beware!” New submissives have often spent many years living with their secret desires, yet perhaps they have not spent enough time pondering the psyche of the men they seek in their fantasies. Ignorance of the basic desires and ethic of the dominant can be a dangerous thing. In understanding your would-be ideal counterpart can you not only be better equipped to find your man, but protect yourself against those pretending to be such a man. All you need do is read fellow submissive profiles and journals to understand there are MANY such fraudulent men.
Here are a few general thoughts that well may inhabit the dominant mind. Remember, we are all unique individuals and all have our own tastes, styles, temperament, and background. For every seeming "rule" there are exceptions. In fact, there are no 'rules' written below, only hypothesis. The following is opinion written by one, with additional thoughts by others. Feel free to argue, or suggest additions or amendments to the text. All thoughts negative or positive are being weighed, considered, and often added to help others less knowledgeable.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy will not start off by desiring you to be submissive at the get go. “Bow down on your knees for I have written!” proves only the writer knows little about submission; for who submits to man less he has proven himself worthy of such a glorious gift, and what dominant worth his beans expects submission without earning it? There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy on first introduction. Yet this approach actually does the submissive a great service: she can be almost certain the dom writing is a fraud.
Though many women write in their profiles, "Do not ask me to submit right off the bat!," they may be better served keeping mum allowing fraudulent dominants to simply hang themselves with this approach. Remember, the more hints you give telling men what will not work with you offers pretenders excellent information how BEST to approach you. They simply change their mailings to fit your profile rather than describing their real desires. Why not simply allow them to expose their true character rather than give information empowering them to build a false persona to entrap you? Demanding submission in primary contact should be reason alone to “block n’ move on.” ("Blocking n’ moving on" is the best of Internet inventions. Women would be well advised to use this method often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short, and many pretenders revel in such conflict; it won't stop their mailings and may even make them your new Internet stalker). The dominant guy knows submission is a gift and wishes to earn that gift; he does not seek freebies. Leave the "I don't submit immediately" off your profile. Allow the Insta-Dom to expose himself, then "block n' move on."
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attentions. Getting dates or laid most likely is not his problem because he is so outnumbered by submissive women. In contrast to the fakes, his refreshing voice of reason attracts his counterpart; he likes women. If a “Dom” becomes frantic, anxious, despairing, or despondent because you don’t write him back every other hour, are not shaping up to his wishes, or are getting a bit feisty most probably he has always had a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot; the bad news is that competition for dominant men is fierce.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy most often will be happy and secure in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck, financial disaster, or some slide to the bottom in his past most likely it will be fleeting for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. A ditch digger can indeed be dominant, but he'll probably be happy in his work (with matching biceps, to boot!). Though he may not be the millionaire, look for the man who is content in his chosen endeavor.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle (if interested, that is). The dominant guy above all loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek the challenges a submissive brings to a relationship, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity, not to mention the burden of 'taking charge' of you. The dominant desires this burden because he knows you bring many gifts in return. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to the dominant man. He will be very curious about you, so much so that it will seem quite flattering. If a man drones on and on about himself ad nausea, most likely he is trying to figure out his own puzzle and will have little capacity to decipher yours.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy is probably going to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex; performance issues abound (as they do with women). It would seem impossible to control a woman if she is constantly bemoaning her lover's skill in passion. The dominant man has either mastered, became bored with, or has no interest in elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times may have left him bereft of sport in a past vanilla life, and so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind to bring you to ecstasy. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; not exactly a womanizer per se, but certainly sexually advanced.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon (though it may impressive). Those who tout their toys alone might well be lacking in other departments.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He like any other man may sometimes choose unwisely when searching for a mate, but his intentions for the most part will be genuine. The fake dom simply wishes to "get it on" with little regard to whether the union will be successful for either partner.
-IT IS CERTAIN a dominant guy will make many mistakes and have no fear admitting them (though sometimes it may take him awhile to fess up, or even discover he has made a mistake). He understands he is not all knowing because he knows he's human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit them with good cheer CANNOT be dominant.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will rarely send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely to have one on his profile. Photographic exhibitionism is more a submissive exercise. Dominants prefer to show off what they DO to someone rather than expose their own bodies for public viewing.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will not introduce himself or demand you call him "Sir, Master, Daddy, or Lordwhosieface," right off the bat. Instead, he will wait till YOU wish to refer to him as such. The day you do is a red letter day for any Dom; very flattering.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will not beg you for naked photographs, in fact he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him unsolicited naughty pictures and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will not lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. Dominants enjoy living life their own way, and sneaking round on the sly doesn't particularly fit the mold. He would rather be in an open relationship, or be involved in some poly-union or swinging situation than cheat. The dominant guy is straight forward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached somehow most probably will be forthcoming with that information. Even if he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, more than likely he will say so; he won’t care enough to lie. If you don’t want his cheatin’ heart, he'll find someone who does.
-In fact, IT IS LIKELY the dominant won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying “dom” will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. He will tell the sensualist he is not sadistic when he is, and tell the masochist he is sadist when he is not. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. Again, he’s got this ego and the blow of failure comes hard. A man who attempts to mate a woman he cannot handle or cannot handle him is desperate. He will vie for ANY WOMAN caring little for true success other than “I got her.”
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant man will at least make his best attempt to use correct spelling and grammar when writing (But we all make typos and grammatical mistakes when writing quickly). Appearing ignorant will be repugnant to him even if he is no wordsmith.
-IT IS LIKELY the dominant man will rarely become angry or enraged when initially communicating online or in person. He is easy going; live and let live. We all get angry at times in relationships, but if some guy is badgering you or yelling at you during initial contact, or is constantly cornering you in mind games where you cannot win, most probably he is a fraud.
-The dominant man MIGHT be a laugh riot, and MIGHT bring both intensity and humor to his D/s world. The man who feigns only a visage of seriousness may indeed be a man to avoid. With wit comes intelligence and proof that a dom does not take himself or D/s too seriously. All these are good qualities in a dom. Why can't D/s be fun as well as intense? There are many who find this combination mandatory.
-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will not be ham-handed in his approach during initial contact. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once fuzzy. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominant gets off by watching you soar not fall. He longs to make you blossom under his care.
-IT IS LIKELY after a period of communication, the dominant man may become protective of you, even if he does not feel he is right for you. He will still hope that he can help in some way (if he has the time).
-Even if he is new to D/s, IT IS LIKELY the new dominant will have no problem admitting his novice state and not carry on like some Lord from the seventh century. He ventures here for knowledge and opportunity for quest, NOT for conquest. He may indeed thirst for a partner, yet hungers more for knowledge. (Some say that two newbies exploring such a venture together can be the most beautiful union of all; they may have a point, but the new dom faces the greatest of challenges: those initial steps. He is not right for many, and hopefully he knows this.).
-IT IS HIGHLY LIKELY IF NOT MANDATORY that a dom will have no qualms with you getting advice from sources other than him. Most likely he will point you toward many places where you can gain more knowledge of the lifestyle. He may even introduce you to other dominants and/or submissives (always good to have submissive friends both new and experienced to bounce ideas around). The dom who wishes to isolate you from others, from knowledge, and particularly from family and friends is to be given a wide berth. The only way he can remain dominant over you is if you remain ignorant and totally dependent on him for all information and communication. Knowledge is his enemy, for those knowledgeable know he is a fraud. Ignorance is your enemy. Beware the isolationist!
No doubt there are many more attributes and red flags to beware of, these are but a few. It seems to me that in general dominants are more focused on subs and what makes them tick then vice-versa. There is far more information about submissives on the Net and in books (women write about their feelings more than men). Yet understanding the dominant mind not only will make it easier for a woman to please her man and empower her to understand her opposite but equal place in the union, it will also provide the best protection from those who wish to harm her (or bore her).
Many dominant men need and thrive on challenge and this may be why some enjoy jumping from one woman to the next so quickly; it is the easier challenge. The dominant man may well have many short-term lovers, but eventually that challenge will grow dull and he will long for more. The dominant has a healthy ego yet will at times come across as humble. Challenge equals risk and bring mistakes; you cannot have one with out the other. Taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling endeavor. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though he longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s.
A submissive is truckload of challenge (just ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant needs you like he needs air. He wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because he has ventured beyond the norm into a realm of risk, and passing across the abyss where anxiety lurks and footing treacherous, he breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because in risking he has earned and deserves such devotion. If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life or with his woman, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, it is a fair bet to say he has no business taking on someone as gifted, precious, and courageous as you.
LAST but perhaps MOST IMPORTANT:
Unless a submissive finds her kink early in life, many submissives spend years (if not decades) in secret fantasy. Venturing to kink sites is often more calling than adventure; a calling a submissive can no longer deny. Once exposed to the kink world, seeing the sites, hearing the stories, a woman becomes empowered knowing she is not alone. The initial onslaught of suitors makes the improbability of actually experiencing fantasy in some near future suddenly very possible (hooray!), and sometimes this euphoria causes a new submissive’s fervor to double or even quadruple...
…And all too often, this enhanced fever makes a new submissive forget all the dating rules that took a lifetime to learn.
Compared to the vanilla world, dating kink often takes a back-assward approach. Unlike vanilla, D/s practitioners often (if not always) expose sexual and sensual needs before even meeting; the lists of fetish in profiles are used as calling cards to match up like-minded suitors.
“Hello, I’m a sadist leather, Daddy Dom.”
“Pleased to meet you, I’m a latex-loving cum-slut, how do you do?”
Just because the kink world often eschews the mores of vanilla daters, doesn’t mean we must throw the baby out with the bath water (more metaphor). Vanilla dating has many wonderful rituals that have taken decades if not centuries to develop, and many of these are well worth the exploring before "playtime" comes a callin'. New submissives often overlook these customs, and after meeting and chatting over the Net, it might be best to go back to square one.
For instance, you might wish to try:
-Actually MEETING the man socially before showing up at his door, stripping then falling to your knees. Though some may find this kind of anonymity to their liking (particularly wayward doms on the prowl), the written word, or telephone call still falls far short of an old fashioned face-to-face encounter. Nothing can replace physical chemistry, so why not meet for a drink, some coffee, take in a movie, hold hands, walk on the beach, spend a day in the park, have a first kiss, or any other “boring” activity to see if you both have that elusive and most important kink quality: True Compatibility.
-Speak of topics other than sex, whips, and chains. Find if you enjoy the same things, have the same tastes, like the same music, or movies, or art, or gardening, bowling, Parcheesi, or water sports (no, the other kind!).
-Find out about his other life: Does he enjoy his work and do co-workers enjoy him? Where does he work (is he Googleable?)? Does he have passions other than kink? Does he have many friends? Does he get along with his family? Even if your possible mate is an orphaned lone wolf who works at alone at home, see how he treats others out in public: is he kind to waiters, bartenders, children, dogs, rodents, or any other living thing? Is he charming, affable, or at least tolerant of others, or is there a reason he lives in a secret world, a reason not so very nice?
-Find out if he is as funny and brilliant in person as he was over email; you won’t regret it. Funny is big on everyone’s list of “good” dom attributes.
-There is theory that if the dom has spent a decent amount of time in the kink world that you may get references from others about his character. Yet like vanilla counterparts in passion, many doms practice their kink in private and do not attend munches, fet-parties, or socialize in any D/s group. This does not mean they are fakes it just makes them...private. Yet both the ‘out’ dom and the private dom should be met in public; some place where little things like clothes are mandatory. It is entirely reasonable to request a dom to meet and get to know you before you are naked, bound, and he holds a flogger in his hand, don’t you think?
And if a dom rejects or suggests doing away with such old fashioned courtship, perhaps another might be better suited to your tastes…and safety.
-Yet most of all, try and calm the fervor that builds inside (we all know it’s difficult), and instead be guided by your common sense; your innate ability to judge men long before you take that next step where you will be so deliciously and dangerously vulnerable. If you are a horrible judge of character, perhaps an accompanying friend might make a valued third at a first meeting offering you a second opinion.
Even if you prescribe to all suggestions and find a dom that embodies many of the qualities described above, you may still have a bad or abusive experience (it happens, and not only in the kink world). Yet if you take certain precautions described here and elsewhere, you will cut down the odds of having such an experience considerably. You don't want a bad experience; just read some of the horror stories on kink sites by unfortunate submissives to understand why.
Take a cold shower, calm down, be smart, remain sane, read, learn, listen, and be patient. It is your best defense against being abused, or having a lesser experience than desired.
-Take your time. Know your dom.
Happy hunting!
(Comments to this posting have pointed me toward a previous written article called "The Acid Test" found here: http://www.askdollie.com/acid_test.htm that offers excellent advice often mirroring what is written here).
|
For new(ish) girls: A Guide to Finding That Ideal Dom - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread