"Comming out"

"Comming out" (Full Version)

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hazenut -> "Comming out" (5/13/2007 12:08:07 AM)
Last night I went out with my closest friend. She knows pretty much everything about me. We had some drinks and I ended up telling her that I'm into bdsm. I knew this was going to happen at some point, but not now. It's just been on my mind so much lately and have no one besides a few people to talk to about it. I guess I'm just in shock that she now knows this very deep secret of mine. I absolutely trust her with this, but I have no idea how she is viewing what I told her. It seems that many people have a negative view of this lifestyle. Until you look into it, you can't even begin to understand it. So really who knows what she's thinking. Do you think I should talk to her more about it so she has a better understanding? When have you told people in your life about your choice in this, or have you told anyone outside of your partner? Thanks in advance for the words of advice. Take care.

haysup -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 12:23:38 AM)
Most of my friends know about my predilections, but I live in college and have very adventurous friends at a highly liberal school. So I don't know how relevant my experience is to yours. I don't bring it up all the time simply because people do not need to know about my sex life or what's going on behind my closed doors unless I feel like telling them :) Good for you that you found someone you could tell!

daniL -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 12:26:42 AM)
For me, it was interesting. Even back in high school, apparently my friends knew before I said anything upfront--I think I told them about a crush of mine, and their reply was 'I don't think X is going to let you tie her up. Ever.' I'm not sure when I had let that interest be known, seeing as I wasn't entitrely aware of it yet... When I came out [in bdsm] to my girl, she had been my ex [obviously not the case anymore]...that was fun and exciting and opened all new sorts of doors. A few of my friends know, and fortunately, I've been extremely lucky with the people around me being supportive. I'm not sure how I would deal in your situation...maybe ask her later on if she has a problem with what you've told her. Don't force understanding down her throat-- sometimes, in well meaning moments, people try to explain themselves/their actions when they either don't need to, or it'll make the situation worse. Let her tell you if/what she wants to know more about. Just let her know that if she has any questions, you are open to talking to her about it. If she's such a good friend that you're not really concerned, then she'll let you know what she feels, I would think.

Einzelganger -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 1:29:47 AM)
As a typically shy, introverted person, I really only have two friends I tell very much about myself; one is already a lifestyler, but the other is not. The one who is not is the only vanilla person I've ever told, partly because I trust him implicitly, and partly because I knew he wouldn't think of me as a weirdo or anything. He actually thought it was rather interesting, apparently, and he frequently asks me questions about it. Would I tell anyone else? Not likely. Would I tell my vanilla friend (or anyone else) about anything going on within my relationship? Absolutely not. But if I hang out with him more than anyone else, it helps not to have to remain quite so tight-lipped around him. But again, my friend, like myself, is very liberal, so like Heysup, my experience may not relate well to yours. Just my $0.02... -Einzelgänger

HutchGarahl -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 5:15:24 AM)
Don't have many friends as i'm a loner, but what friends I do have, lnow of my lifestyle. Family on the other hand....no. They don't know. Most of my family are deep southern baptists. It was hard enough when they found out I was bi. Mother and sister who are wiccan. And a wanna be brother. But they don't know. Although my sister may have an ide now as I was using her computer last week to talk with the slave I am to meet this week and he called me mistress. She simply said..."Mistress?", and it was left at that. Still waiting for her to question me on it. My 3 kids know. It's good you feel you trust her enough to divulge, but if your feeling so uncomfortable about it now, maybe you shouldn't have. But since the plate has already been set...wait a while, see if she brings it up. I wouldn't just start in on it as she may need time to think this new found news through.

agirl -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 5:31:08 AM)
Yes, my children, my mother, friends from college and anyone that spends more than a passing amount of time around me and my family. The thing is, I don't tell them, as such, they notice things just as they notice the way I do other things. I certainly don't confess it, as if it's something that has to be admitted to. I find that people tend to take their lead from me and the family. It's not treated or talked about as if it's a special secret or something unusual. It's no big deal to us and so others tend to react to it in the same way. I also don't know what people take away with them, when aspects of it are noticed or mentioned but I don't explain unless they ask. I simply feel no need to, whatsoever. If they ask, I don't explain any further than their query either, any more than I would if I was explaining why I planted my tomatoes where I did. If someone already likes me, likes being around me then they'll have a fairly decent grasp of what KIND of person I am. Why should anything about me bother them or change their minds about me........the problem of acceptance lay in their lap, not mine. agirl

MasterFireMaam -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 9:52:43 AM)
1) Have you tried simply asking her how she feels about you being into BDSM? She might not want to know more...but if she does, that would give her an opening to ask more questions. 2) Why do you feel the need to have to explain and justify? If you are true to yourself, her approval or disapproval is immaterial. Yes, it'd be nice if she did approve, but would it change who you are if she didn't? Master Fire

charismagirrl -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 10:07:18 AM)
In my experience it's been a really good thing to come out, for the most part. The only one who seems squicked by it at all is my brother and it comes from a place of ignorance and wanting to maintain that ignorance. So although he knows, we just avoid or tip toe around the topic. my mother and my vanilla girlfriends all know and are really accepting. To my mother's credit, she really has tried to understand the deeper meanings of it all and when i say something about having to adjust to be a slave she is generally accepting and supportive. (Go MOM!) my gfs are curious to a point and realize that i have always been the one to do things outside of the box, so it doesn't surprise them in the least. i tell them some of the stuff and some stuff i leave out for their sake more than my own. i also have one very close guy friend (my oldest and dearest) he is kind of like an older brother to me and he has tried better than anyone to really totally get it all. He understands when i would tell him that he had to leave because it was my bed time or something of that sort. He also really tries to understand the deeper meanings. i won't say that everyone would get this lucky but that is always the hope. Unfortunately it isn't the reality and there are some closed minded muthers out there in the world that just don't want to understand.

velvetears -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 10:21:27 AM)
i have a very dear friend - been friends since childhood and i have no inclination to tell her anything about my desires/activities in bdsm/D/s etc. We share together activites tht have nothing to do with anything related to bdsm. i just don't feel the need to tell others, who i know do not know anything about the lifestyle, and may become upset/disturbed/scared/etc. i think people who have this need to let everyone know needs to look inside and figure out why they have to share such intimate details of their lives with others who more then likely will not take it very well. Personally, i would think i was burdening someone unecessarily. If they are never going to become part of what i do, why do i need to tell them? i would be just as perplexed if a friend came to me to "confess" she loved anal sex or only screwing in a hot tub... i mean, why do i have to know those things? i would have to wonder the real reason she let me know.

LightHeartedMaam -> RE: "Comming out" (5/13/2007 10:50:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hazenut Last night I went out with my closest friend. She knows pretty much everything about me. We had some drinks and I ended up telling her that I'm into bdsm. I knew this was going to happen at some point, but not now. It's just been on my mind so much lately and have no one besides a few people to talk to about it. I guess I'm just in shock that she now knows this very deep secret of mine. I absolutely trust her with this, but I have no idea how she is viewing what I told her. It seems that many people have a negative view of this lifestyle. Until you look into it, you can't even begin to understand it. So really who knows what she's thinking. Do you think I should talk to her more about it so she has a better understanding? When have you told people in your life about your choice in this, or have you told anyone outside of your partner? Thanks in advance for the words of advice. Take care. If she is interested, she'll ask for more information. Otherwise, I'd leave the topic alone. When I came out to my siblings, two shrugged and one asked if I was a top or a bottom :)

LadyPact -> RE: "Comming out" (5/14/2007 7:57:54 AM)
That waiting period after you've first "come out" can be a bit uncertain for a while, depending on who you came out to. I've had differing levels of coming out in the past few months, and I would have to say that it's been positive. It was a little weird at first. My (at the time) pet would remember to tell mutual friends 'hello from his Mistress' and then people would put two and two together. I remember in the beginning, I would be a bit concerned about what some people would think, but that didn't last long. Since then, I've outed Myself at work to some and that was a very positive experience. So far, there hasn't been anyone that I've regretted telling. As far as how much I discuss, that goes on a case by case basis. The good part is when people ask Me what I did on My days off, I can tell the truth instead of just saying "nothing".

Lordskitten -> RE: "Comming out" (5/14/2007 8:14:31 AM)
I've known i was submissive since i was in highschool..about 16 years old. After i got out of school and moved i lost contact with my best friend who i had never told about my D/s interests. Years later i found her again through myspace, and we exchanged yahoo account information to keep in touch. Low and behold, her nick had "Mistress" in it, so i asked her about it, and she said she was into BDSM.. We have a good laugh now and then about those wasted years if only we had told each other back in school. Sometimes 'comming' out can be a great thing, and you find that you and your friends actually share the same interests, or it can be the total oposite and hurt your relationship. Hopefully your friend is as awsome and open minded as you make her seem, and she'll be understanding.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: "Comming out" (5/14/2007 8:50:18 AM)
Ditto what MasterFireMaam said. You spilled, it's out, let them decide if they want to know more, otherwise go on as normal. And next time, try and choose the time and place of coming out more about everyone's comfort and not your own need to spill. http://www.collarchat.com/m_966469/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#966514 How do you explain bdsm to vanillas around you? http://www.collarchat.com/m_673932/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#673940 questions about coming out http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237 Coming Out http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704 Telling Family http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726 real world acceptance http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695 So I came out... http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641 family http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743 Talking to vanilla people

hazenut -> RE: "Comming out" (5/14/2007 10:24:54 AM)
Well it's been a few days now, and she has yet to bring it up. She hasn't acted any different around me and I'm very happy about that. Thankfully she really is a great friend. Thank you so much everyone for sharing your experiences in this.

thetammyjo -> RE: "Comming out" (5/14/2007 10:43:10 AM)
In my opinion, hazenut, once you have told me, you need to do two things around them. First, be yourself, the entire you, now that you are out, just be yourself. Second, don't offer them information unless/until they ask. Then ground it in your own experiences and watch for subtle signals that you are starting to give them too much information -- they look around, they shift in their seats, they blush or cough. Just because someone asks a question does not mean they are ready for all the details. If they want more details they can ask.

TigressFL -> RE: "Comming out" (5/14/2007 11:05:31 AM)
Keep in mind that more than likely it took some time for you to "come to terms" with your BDSM interests. Your friend will need time to process this new information about you. Give your friend space. Allow he or she to come to you to ask questions rather than your bringing it up. Be open and provide he or she with the specific information requested rather than spill it all out at one time. Be patient! Good luck to you!

HutchGarahl -> RE: "Comming out" (5/14/2007 9:06:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: charismagirrl In my experience it's been a really good thing to come out, for the most part. The only one who seems squicked by it at all is my brother and it comes from a place of ignorance and wanting to maintain that ignorance. So although he knows, we just avoid or tip toe around the topic. my mother and my vanilla girlfriends all know and are really accepting. To my mother's credit, she really has tried to understand the deeper meanings of it all and when i say something about having to adjust to be a slave she is generally accepting and supportive. (Go MOM!) I envy you here. I wish my mother was as understanding. She still won't accept the fact that i'm bi, much less her finding out about my lifestyle. my gfs are curious to a point and realize that i have always been the one to do things outside of the box, so it doesn't surprise them in the least. i tell them some of the stuff and some stuff i leave out for their sake more than my own. i also have one very close guy friend (my oldest and dearest) he is kind of like an older brother to me and he has tried better than anyone to really totally get it all. He understands when i would tell him that he had to leave because it was my bed time or something of that sort. He also really tries to understand the deeper meanings. i won't say that everyone would get this lucky but that is always the hope. Unfortunately it isn't the reality and there are some closed minded muthers out there in the world that just don't want to understand.

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